on GF's "ex-boyfriend"

[Melty]

Hey there, I'm bound to be posting all sorts of stuff on here as this relationship unfolds, but this is something that I wanted some advice on. There might be a bit of reading, so bare with me, I need help

 

So, I've been dating this girl for 3 months, and I am very serious about her. We're not sexually involved, but we probably are going to be once this college quarter ends. I'm 22 and male, and she is 20 and obviously female. About 3 weeks into our relationship(which had been going great), she felt that she should tell me some deeper things about herself. The big one, which I had feared to have happened, was that she was very "close" with a guy a year prior to our meeting. She mentioned something about him being just a friend but him breaking up with his girlfriend led the two to become "closer", and I guess my girlfriend at the time was very lonesome too at the time, so she fell into it. According to her, she said that it never went to the point of intercourse and that she is currently a virgin(which I honestly believe her, really, its not an arguing point). At the time she was very nervous telling me and she knew that it could easily push me away(which it didn't). So I told her that we all make mistakes, and I'm willing to move on from that since she is such a great person and I definitely wanted to continue dating her. One part that was tough to move past(for me) was that she made the request that I couldn't bar her from still being friends with this guy(Nick). She considered him to be like a "no ****" kind of friend, the kind that doesn't hold anything back, tells you straight to the face. I guess he also has a very "college guy" sense of humor, so he'll say some sex joke without blinking. I guess she appreciates his advice and council on this or that. She even said she would have him as a "Man of honor" at her wedding someday, which I didn't know that was actually a thing. I complied(which wasn't easy) and told her that I trusted her and that I shouldn't control who she is friends with. She was happy with that, and we moved on.

 

At the 1.5 month mark, she wanted me to meet him for lunch(3 of us). She said that I should try to gain his approval since they've been friends for a long time, and that I could learn more about her through him. I didn't like the sound of that, it honestly felt so wrong gaining the approval of a guy who got intimate with my girlfriend. I agreed to do it anyways, especially since I wanted to get a read on this guy and see how he was around her. I was going to be friendly at least. Around that time, I guess you could say our relationship was a little rocky(another story) and while I did agree at first, I actually opened up to her about my concerns and feeling. She then told me that she wanted this lunch because this friend of hers could give her a reading on how her's and my relationship was going(which honestly really kinda hurt to hear). So lunch was cancelled and we actually put the relationship on hold and became "friends".

 

Fast forward a couple weeks and we were doing much better than we were prior to the "regression". So I think it was actually beneficial to step back at that one point. Three weeks ago, I met the "friend" at the college campus by surprise. She invited me to come and hang out with her in the student commons and she sent me a text minutes to my arrival that "nick was here too!". I prepared myself and went into the commons to go meet up with my GF. The student commons is relatively quiet, and very wide open, almost like a library in a way. She was sitting near the "games" area where people sit on these couches and play card games and such. I felt very comfortable sitting closely with my GF and holding her close to me. The guy said some stupid things about my height and dick length(seriously, he's that type) and that he's going to be judging me heavily. I gave him proper greetings and such, but I put most of my attention on my gf and talking to her(not even really on purpose, more that it just felt natural to be close with her in that moment).

 

We had a second encounter just like this one and he went on about how he pictured me differently, and he would have thought that my GF would've preferred a different, taller guy. It didn't hurt, but it was annoying. My GF apologized later for his comments, but she still threw up her arms in a shrug like "but hey, these are my friends, they're just funny like that".

 

So this brings me to the current time now(Thank you so much for reading this far). I still think the world about her, she makes me so happy. But every once in a great while she brings up that my dick is bigger than his(Yes, she has seen mine, it was a funny accident), which while that might be endearing, I still don't like hearing it. Its a reminder of what happened, and I don't want to dwell there. We drove by this one area yesterday and she made the passing mention that this "friend" lives up there and how she got to know his house. I don't give much of a response to this out of discomfort. Which after saying this, she says that her thing with him is done and over with and that she is thankful that I dont restrict her from being friends with him. Maybe its just me wanting to end that conversation, but I just said that I didn't want to be petty and get emotional about things in the past.

 

I really just see future interactions with this guy being bad news. If I marry her, I seriously don't want to have to deal with him being a part of the equation. I really don't like him tbh.

 

So I gotta ask, why the heck is she doing this? Why does she dwell? Is this a test that I still haven't completed in a way satisfactory to her? Should I bring this up, or am I being to sensitive? Maybe this is a perfectly normal thing, and that's why I need advice. Thanks for anything!

[C.JunioR]

Stop being a doormat. Both your gf and her ex doesn't respect you, and you are not helping yourself by not setting any boundaries.

 

This story should have ended right when she told you not to restrict her friendship with her ex. Yes, you can't control who she wants to be friends with, but you can control what you will or will not accept in a girlfriend, and you clearly can't accept her ex's participation in your relationship.

 

Break up and move on.

[doyathinkso]

"she says that her thing with him is done and over with" ......NOT!!!!!

 

Please google the word polyandry.

 

Please don't be such a fool as to go any further into this bizarre and manipulative 'relationship'. In other words " RUN Forrest, RUN!!!!".

[act00]

She's young and inexperienced and she overshares. There is no point or purpose to tell you things like comparing penises or what he said about you. The only thing you needed to know is they had a fling. The rest only just makes you feel bad and she is definitely not leaving the past in the past. I would probably part ways because I just don't think I could deal with the other woman and getting that much detail. It seems she's really not over him. But, if you want to give this a shot a little longer, you need to tell her not to overshare. He's a "friend" now, so she needs to leave her past in the past. You don't need to know the details, and you don't need her telling you what her friend said about you unless it was something nice. Frankly, this friend of hers is worthy of breakup right there. He doesn't really like you, he trash talks you and is insulting towards you, and she doesn't tell him to knock it off. I would not want to keep that in my life.

[ExpatInItaly]

She has a soft spot for this Nick, and she is immature and inexperienced in relationships. She probably thinks talking about others guys and making you "gain Nick's approval" (and seriously, eff that) makes her look desirable and it boosts her ego. But it only speaks to a juvenile mentality.

 

My guess is that you are going to putting up with a lot of grief from this guy and her if you remain together. Don't even worry about marrying her; you two are nowhere near the stage to even be considering that yet. She will probably continue to be close to this guy and claim they're "just friends!" and he's going to continue to try to cut you down and stake his claim on her. They are not just friends. Even if they're not currently fooling around, they're crossing boundaries.

 

Advice? Forget her. She's not ready for the type of relationship you want. And if you've already had to have a break at only 3 months of dating, it's likely only a predictor of trouble to come.

[smackie9]

Nick isn't the problem...she IS the problem. Your better judgement is being swept away because of your emotional investment in her.....you are investing poorly and you will get very little in return.

 

She says she respects Nick's opinion...well we all can see how Nick is going to keep manipulating her, making your life miserable. It's a no win situation if she isn't willing to kick Nick out of her life......and you know this.

 

My solution, you either tell her what Nick is actually doing to her and your relationship (haha see how that goes) OR you dump her. I say move on, this will not get any better.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm sorry there is so much wrong with this. You aren't even intimate with this girl and yet she's making you jump through hoops to impress her friend that she was intimate with?

 

This whole thing is fishy, I think she's into him and trying to make him jealous. It sounds like you are being strung along big time.

 

Move on and raise your expectations about how you are treated.

[kendahke]

Get marriage out of your head. You've only known her for 3 months and you've already encountered problems. Trust me, there will be more if what has transpired has caused you already to scale things back to friendship.

 

You have to be OK with this girl running your relationship past this dude's committee for approval if you choose to remain with her. She's put you on notice about that.

 

You're at the 3 month mark now--which is the time that the representatives have been sent home and the real you has come to the fore. It's also the time where weak foundational relationships fail spectacularly.

 

She's already engaging in behavior that you aren't cool with. You need someone who can make up their own mind about who they date and don't require ANYONE to weigh in on matters that aren't fit for them to weigh in on. It's none of this dude's business what goes on in your relationship with her---and for her to run to him to discuss you should be a dumping matter. Do you honestly think she hasn't told him that you have a larger member than him? That's probably why he's all up in your kool-aid and talking isht to you. Of course she has.

 

She sounds extremely immature and naive... and I, for one, don't believe she's sexually inexperienced. She may not have had sexual intercourse with him (and I doubt that, but that's another thread), but I'll bet dollars to donuts that his fingers have been up in her and that she's put her mouth on his junk. Considering the crass type of guy he is, I seriously doubt he sent her dick pictures--he's whipped it out and shown it to her.

[todreaminblue]

I dont know what to classify a normal situation as......someone elses normal may not be mine....or yours....i pretty much live with chaos

 

all i can say is .....he meaning Nick shouldnt have input into the relationship...and that theres humor and then theres disrespect and put downs what he did to you and what she did to you wasnt right...doesnt matter whose i normal it is doesnt make it right

 

he has no right as her friend to decide on whther you are good enough ....or judge your relationship she does sound young...it is quite normal to want friends to like boyfriends but ultimately it istn friends or exes or anyone else who has to be int eh relationship that si between the two of you....i think you shoyld be honest with her in all respects and if she loves you she will want you and her to be happy together.....

 

i have introduced my boyfriend or dates to my ex....i have had my boyfriends converse with my exes.....i am friends with both..kids involved.......and no conversation of disrespect or low brow humor would i ever agree withor allow to continue on any front....i wouldnt diss my guy like that and i expect in full my exes wouldnt either nto fi they wanted to continue to talk to me...let alone my friends....or even my family.....not that they would....

 

my ex whom i havent seen for over a decade flirts with me he is someone i trust he has been there .....as has my other ex...both have literally saved my life.....and im not being dramatic.....they have also at times made my life a living hell......but i am loyal and i am single so it isnt an issue fro me at the moment..... and i am also respectful if was with someone my ex i talk to on the phone wouldnt disrespect the guy i was with..nor would my other ex.......both exes are often low brow humorously.....but thats doesnt mean disrespectful of people i care for....or would i let them be.....i would pull them up

 

you need to state your boundaries make them crystal clear as far as a future goes with your gf to your gf...i know she makes you happy ...she also has the capacity to make you really unhappy so make your boundaries clear..dont let anyone cross them...if she loves you then she needs to want to keep those boundaries solid too to ensure your happiness........if you dont want to hang out with this friend...then make that clear too...she needs boundaries with this friend...so he can be aware of when he oversteps his mark...which really should be zero with influence in your relationship with her....good luck..i apologise if my post is full of dyslexia i cant even read it properly at the moment..i ddi my edit as good as i could.....i wish you well.....deb......