Not sure if I should continue dating her...

[avoforastig]

I've been dating a really pleasant and beautiful woman over the past month. We have been on 7 dates at this point. On our last date, she asked if I was dating anyone else. I tried to be honest but I was a bit flustered when she asked. I initially said not really, which is true as I've had a few one and done dates recently. I also said that I wasn't feeling sure about things quite yet either and I didn't want to mislead her. She responded saying she was also not sure, but didn't want to have sex until we were sure about things. I agreed this would be the mature thing to do.

 

Sometimes, I'm really not sure when to continue dating someone. When they don't present any red flags, they are physically attractive, and we seem to get along pretty well,what is the right thing to do? I don't necessarily feel head over heels but I enjoy her company. She seems to get my sense of humor, but I'm not sure we have a ton in common interest wise.

 

I definitely like her but I do have some concerns over long-term compatibility. My main concern with her is that she has a similar personality to the women of two of my previous long term relationships. The personality is the quiet in groups, introverted, nerdy, sweet, responsible type. They make for a great relationship partner in many ways, but can fall short in the excitement department. Personally, I'm a bit of an introvert during the week but more of an extrovert on the weekends so its caused some conflict with my previous girlfriends.

 

I told myself I didn't want to fall for that type of girl again so this situation is scary to me. I've only been dating around for a few months, but I really want to get things right this time as I'm getting older and want to get married and have a family at some point. One barometer I was trying to use was this: If I had no romantic/sexual interest in this person, would we still be friends?

 

What do you guys think? How do you know when to continue dating someone when things don't seem clear? Should your mate have the same qualities as your friends or is it possible you need something different from a romantic partner?

 

I'd like to keep seeing her but I can't help but want to explore other options still.

[Cookiesandough]

This seems like kind of a theme for you. You sure you want a relationship? If you're not sure how you feel, just keep dating her but you'll both keep your options open.

 

I think when you really like someone you just know it. Its not the same as being friends that you'll have sex with, there's another element. I think it's this respect/admiration that makes you want to claim that person as yours and vice versa but idk.. I'd say if you're thinking about it this much this is just not the person for you or you're not in the place for a relationship.

[salparadise]

I told myself I didn't want to fall for that type of girl again so this situation is scary to me. I've only been dating around for a few months, but I really want to get things right this time as I'm getting older and want to get married and have a family at some point. One barometer I was trying to use was this: If I had no romantic/sexual interest in this person, would we still be friends?

 

What do you guys think? How do you know when to continue dating someone when things don't seem clear? Should your mate have the same qualities as your friends or is it possible you need something different from a romantic partner?

 

I'd like to keep seeing her but I can't help but want to explore other options still.

 

 

 

I think it's mostly different. If you don't like a person, that's one thing, but trying to select by ignoring the romance and attraction and asking if they have a certain personality type or common interests as would a platonic friend... I don't think so. I'd go more by general feelings including romance and attraction. And if there are no red flags, plus you like her and are attracted, I'd keep going and see how it develops. At one month, all else is good and no red flags, I'd keep dating her.

 

But that's me. You may know something intuitively. I'd rely more on intuition than analysis.

[Bejangled]

Hi avoforastig

 

I don't know your age or cultural background, so I don't know how much of what you're describing is 'normal' for you. But, I think if there's really nothing there after 7 dates, you should probably move on. You both may be lovely people, but sometimes, things just don't click and that's ok.

 

I reckon you probably already know the answer yourself. You know in your heart that it's going nowhere. Time to end the pretense.

 

I am curious about one thing though...are your dates usually so 'formal'? You describe how you've felt no real attraction and yet in a cold way (sorry, that's not meant to be insulting) you have both discussed scheduling sex in the future when you felt 'more sure' about things. It sounds completely flat and passionless.

 

Perhaps it's time to take a step back and ask yourself how you find yourself in these situations with passionless women? Could it be something you might need to look into? Is it possible you are playing some part in attracting 'sweet' yet boring partners? Are you comfortable in your own passion and expression of your own sexuality? It might be something worth exploring because if you want an exciting partner, you must show some of those traits in your own personality.

 

Perhaps it's time to unleash the inner tiger Go a little wilder, let your hair down and seek passion first. It might take a while to find Mrs. Right, but at least you'll be having fun If that idea seems uncouth or repulsive to you, then again, go back to square one and ask yourself why. Good luck.

[preraph]

I think you just need to keep dating for awhile until it either becomes better or fizzles.

[avoforastig]

Hi avoforastig

 

I am curious about one thing though...are your dates usually so 'formal'? You describe how you've felt no real attraction and yet in a cold way (sorry, that's not meant to be insulting) you have both discussed scheduling sex in the future when you felt 'more sure' about things. It sounds completely flat and passionless.

 

Perhaps it's time to take a step back and ask yourself how you find yourself in these situations with passionless women? Could it be something you might need to look into? Is it possible you are playing some part in attracting 'sweet' yet boring partners? Are you comfortable in your own passion and expression of your own sexuality? It might be something worth exploring because if you want an exciting partner, you must show some of those traits in your own personality.

 

Perhaps it's time to unleash the inner tiger Go a little wilder, let your hair down and seek passion first. It might take a while to find Mrs. Right, but at least you'll be having fun If that idea seems uncouth or repulsive to you, then again, go back to square one and ask yourself why. Good luck.

 

I honestly feel kind of bad about the situation now. Her asking me if I was dating anyone else was a pre-cursor that she wants exclusivity with me. I think she has a personal boundary that she doesn't want a sexual relationship without exclusivity. I understand and respect that.

 

I feel bad but I'm just not sure that I want to be exclusive with her. I want to have a relationship, but a relationship that I feel confident about. She just hasn't done anything to get me excited about her.

 

I have dated some other women recently where I liked their personalities a lot more, but things didn't work out. In fact, one of the ladies I went out with last week wants to see me again, but now I feel conflicted about it. Maybe I just need to keep dating?

[avoforastig]

Would it be wrong to continue dating others or am I out of time and need to decide to stay or go?

[Cookiesandough]

I honestly feel kind of bad about the situation now. Her asking me if I was dating anyone else was a pre-cursor that she wants exclusivity with me. I think she has a personal boundary that she doesn't want a sexual relationship without exclusivity. I understand and respect that.

 

I feel bad but I'm just not sure that I want to be exclusive with her. I want to have a relationship, but a relationship that I feel confident about. She just hasn't done anything to get me excited about her.

 

I have dated some other women recently where I liked their personalities a lot more, but things didn't work out. In fact, one of the ladies I went out with last week wants to see me again, but now I feel conflicted about it. Maybe I just need to keep dating?

 

I think it's time to call it quits then!! Don't waste any more of her time. I think your intuition is telling you she is good but not a match !

[Cookiesandough]

Would it be wrong to continue dating others or am I out of time and need to decide to stay or go?

 

You're wasting time, I think. You have gotten a feel for her personality and the 'chemistry' is not there. If she knows you're dating others and you're unsure, I guess you can, but it's probably better to bow out now

[avoforastig]

I think you just need to keep dating for awhile until it either becomes better or fizzles.

 

You're wasting time, I think. You have gotten a feel for her personality and the 'chemistry' is not there. If she knows you're dating others and you're unsure, I guess you can, but it's probably better to bow out now

 

I think it's time to call it quits then!! Don't waste any more of her time. I think your intuition is telling you she is good but not a match !

 

This is conflicting advice. I think my intuition is telling me its not a good match, but I don't have any evidence to support my concerns. My intuition about her has been wrong up to this point. I made some assumptions about her that were actually incorrect.

[avoforastig]

How can I clear my head here? My gut feeling is this is probably not going to work but I'm very attracted to her still. I don't know what to do. Its been so long since I fell in love I can't remember what it feels like.

Edited April 23, 2017 by avoforastig

[mischalove]

Hi there. I just came out of a two and a half year relationship in which I realized after he ended it that we tried so hard to force something that wasn't there. And looking back I questioned it the whole time. I had never been in a long term relationship so I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. I love him dearly but we would have ended up miserable trying to push too hard. We had little interests in common and didn't like to spend our days the same way. The chemistry waned in and out as well. Shortly after we broke up I met someone else and had an immediate attraction to him in every way, his mind, his heart and his body! ha! It felt so natural and easy. I don't know what will happen with him, but I can tell you I have no doubts in my mind that I want to spend more time with and be touching him in anyway I can. It just feels so DIFFERENT. Nothing I have ever felt before. I feel like from what you said, it just isn't there and you will be doing both of you a disservice to continue. It might feel like a 'safe' relationship, as opposed to making you feel crazy and out of control and excited and terrified. Which is how this guy makes me feel.

[mischalove]

How can I clear my head here? My gut feeling is this is probably not going to work but I'm very attracted to her still. I don't know what to do. Its been so long since I fell in love I can't remember what it feels like.

 

I think when it is love, you won't be questioning whether it is or not. I also think it's odd that you are okay with her dating other people? The guy I just met about a month ago, I would absolutely lock down asap if he would got for it now, but he is going slow since I just got out of a breakup.

[smackie9]

The chemistry just isn't there, cut her loose and keep dating. I dated for a couple years before I met my husband. A lot of one and dones, and a couple of 3 weekers. It was worth it me being picky. I met plenty that had potential, but I wasn't feeling it.

[Leigh 87]

You should be head over heels.

 

You should be thinking that it feels like magic whenever you are with her.

 

There will be many experts (as in relationship therapists and MANY posters on love shack) who ALL caution people against only dating people they have instant, amazing chemistry with.

 

MANY people who are well versed on love and relationships and are successful at dating -- will ALL swear by NOT chasing the fireworks.

 

I call bullsh*t however, when it comes to MEN; women on the other hand, CAN go from lukewarm to red hot. Unfortunately for men, they either fall head over heels early on or they NEVER feel that spark.

 

Just trust me. It is not about looks, as you can also attest to; the girl is beautiful by your accounts yet you are not wanting to rip her clothes off and you are not day dreaming about her.

 

I am an average girl and I know many average girls who met men who were BESOTTED by them and SUPER excited about these plain Janes from the get go! It is called chemistry!

 

DO NOT keep dating her! One day you will meet a girl who will ignite a spark of interest and you will break this poor girls heart when you either cheat or leave the "safe option" and " good on paper" girl for the "love of your life".

 

Please do the right thing; this girl is attractive so she can easily find a guy who is CRAZY about her! Do not deprive her of that, ALL women innately yearn to meet a man who is simply head over heels, madly in love with them (and for men that starts off with a bang and NEVER with a lukewarm interest level).

 

Sure, I see loads of men who date women who they were never infatuated with. And they are really happy, some of them. It does work for some men but make no mistake: they have 10/10 compatibility and 6 to 7/10 chemistry, so they all admit that they have been more into and more in love with other women that are not their wives.

 

Are you the type who could be happy with good sex and great compatibility without the special spark? Are you happy to have a pretty great life with a woman while you occasionally feel sparks, real sparks, with others?

 

Some truly mature men I speak to are truly happy with their 7 chemistry, without the instant attraction and excitement. They did not feel happy with women they fell head over heels for as these women all happened to be unstable or unsuitable. So these men were mature enough to accept the trade off of 10 compatibility with lesser chemistry than they had otherwise known. They are resigned to that choice; they have managed to feel the true spark with other women during their marriages and easily ignore it, as they really thrive off family life/stability/and they have good sex with their wives so do not yearn for the magic that some women make them feel.

 

So pick: natural chemistry where you are just super into a girl, or settle down with this girl and enjoy a comfortable life with perhaps good sex. Cos you aint gunna go from lukewarm to crazy about her. Only women can do this....I have gone from lukewarm to crazy about a guy or 2.

[elaine567]

I definitely like her but I do have some concerns over long-term compatibility. My main concern with her is that she has a similar personality to the women of two of my previous long term relationships. The personality is the quiet in groups, introverted, nerdy, sweet, responsible type. They make for a great relationship partner in many ways, but can fall short in the excitement department. Personally, I'm a bit of an introvert during the week but more of an extrovert on the weekends so its caused some conflict with my previous girlfriends.

 

Show her your wild weekend side and if she goes screaming for the hills you have your answer.

She may of course also have a wild week end side...

[avoforastig]

I think when it is love, you won't be questioning whether it is or not. I also think it's odd that you are okay with her dating other people? The guy I just met about a month ago, I would absolutely lock down asap if he would got for it now, but he is going slow since I just got out of a breakup.

 

She actually never elaborated on whether she was dating anyone else or not, eek!

 

Do you all think that uncertainty is a telling sign? While she seems like she has a similar personality to my exes, there is no way to know for sure without seeing her more. She definitely is not quite as much of an introvert. I hate having this uncertainty, argh!!

 

There have been other women in my life where I felt no doubt. Honestly, I'm having trouble listening to my gut here. How can I channel my gut, instead of ignoring it?

Edited April 24, 2017 by avoforastig

[lawgirl79]

In my opinion I dont think the uncertainty is a telling sign. It could be that you just dont know her well enough yet to make an informed decision.

 

 

If I were in your situation, I would go out with her several more times and see if your feelings grow for her or if you have more of a positive feeling that it will not work out.