AverageA Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hey, 23 year old guy here. I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and it started out great. We went out doing stuff the first dates, but i've started to notice a pattern the last couple of months. We hang out about two times a week on average, and it almost always involves laying in bed (we're students, so both of us lives in shared flats) watching a series late in the evening, having sex and sleeping over. In the morning, she leaves early. We rarely have morning sex, and we never eat anything together. I've tried a couple of times to plan things, but she'll usually come up with some excuse and we will end up with just another sleepover. I know i should just outright ask her, but i'm starting to fall for her, and i don't want to look desperate. She also has a busy schedule, but i think she should make some time for me in the morning if she's really as into me as i hoped. Am i overreacting here, or should things have looked a bit different if she was actually was looking for a serious relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Telemachus Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Each of you have different ideas about what your relationship is, and what it should should be. Neither is wrong, just incompatible. She may not be "the one" for you, nor you for her, but in the meantime, either enjoy your time together, or stop getting together with her. As to the question in the header to your posting, she's not using you for sex. That's because, in your overnight hours, there's no advantage to her and no disadvantage to you. If it isn't what you want, and you say that it isn't, just stop inviting her over, and inviting her in. There isn't a breakup, because you've never been a couple. Never having had a meal together is a good indication that you haven't had even one date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 She's not USING you, you both have a mutual interest in hanging out together and having sex. Since she has a busy schedule, and doesn't expect anything more than what you are doing, as it stands now it's FWB situation, which the majority of people do when they are in college. There is no real time to emotionally invest in a serious relationship when studying/going to classes is a priority. Sometime things change and one person will catch feelings....you have a few choices...tell her you wish to take things to the next level, she dumps you or she accepts, or you keep things the way they are knowing this is only casual/temporary. IMO she probably just assumes it's just for sex and nothing more....that's why she keeps turning down your invitation to go out on a date. The only thing you can do now is talk to her about it, and see where it takes you. Don't get selfish because you fear of losing her....you are only messing yourself up, and causing unnecessary heartache. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldSparkz Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 It's interesting how the dynamic changes when the girl isn't the one chasing the guy after sex. Instead she's getting up in the morning, leaving and then getting on with her life. I admire her for focussing on her other interests and not spending he time trying to pin you down into a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hey, 23 year old guy here. I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and it started out great. We went out doing stuff the first dates, but i've started to notice a pattern the last couple of months. We hang out about two times a week on average, and it almost always involves laying in bed (we're students, so both of us lives in shared flats) watching a series late in the evening, having sex and sleeping over. In the morning, she leaves early. We rarely have morning sex, and we never eat anything together. I've tried a couple of times to plan things, but she'll usually come up with some excuse and we will end up with just another sleepover. I know i should just outright ask her, but i'm starting to fall for her, and i don't want to look desperate. She also has a busy schedule, but i think she should make some time for me in the morning if she's really as into me as i hoped. Am i overreacting here, or should things have looked a bit different if she was actually was looking for a serious relationship? She could be just wanting something casual. If you don't 3 months is enough time to Have a lil discussion about this. Think you should have the talk, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Doesn't sound like she's using you, but it doesn't sound like the kind of emotional connection you're hoping for either. You could try to talk with her about it, but I would be very casual and just say something like: "Hey, where are you at with us? How do you feel about how things are going?" Just really open-ended like that and neutral, see how she responds, and calibrate your reply accordingly. Assuming she doesn't say she's wanting to go deeper with you, you can just be cool about it and keep doing what you're doing and keep your options open to other women, or stop seeing her. I guess it depends how much you think you can tolerate being in an ambiguous relationship arrangement like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Ask her in advance, meaning before you even meet up with her, to do something specific with you. Keep doing that until she says yes. Make it something fun or interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 It's funny how many in this thread says no she's no using you. If the genders were reversed it would almost certainly be unanimous that he was using you for sex. Not that I disagree with everyone but it's silly how people assume that men are so emotionless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Men don't typically have as much respect for women as vice versa. It's the culture we're raised in, therefore people are more suspicious of men's behaviour and motives in regards to women than the reverse. Men aren't typically seen as sex objects the way women still are, so there's that power imbalance influencing people's opinions. It's never quite the same thing when roles between the two are reversed. That said, it doesn't mean she's NOT using him, but people aren't going to rush to that conclusion the way they might if the shoe had been on the other foot, popsicle. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Men don't typically have as much respect for women as vice versa. I don't feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I think the whole idea of "using me for sex" is just silly. Are you not getting something from it? I would be concerned when someone starts using me for laundry or cleaning or paying her bills but if she wants to "use me for sex" then I say go right ahead, honey! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I think the whole idea of "using me for sex" is just silly. Are you not getting something from it? I would be concerned when someone starts using me for laundry or cleaning or paying her bills but if she wants to "use me for sex" then I say go right ahead, honey! Be careful what u wish for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AverageA Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) After reviewing your answers, i understand that the title was misleading, the question not well written and overall missing a lot of key information. However, i decided by the answers i got to not be a pussy anymore and just straight up ask what direction our "relationship" was headed, and seems like i've been overthinking. She said she thought we were heading into a serious relationship all this time, and didn't really think to ask me if i thought the same. I guess this is just a result of two shy people in their early, inexperienced twenties. Thanks a bunch for the replies anyway, they helped me out in the end! Edited March 14, 2017 by AverageA 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 First don't fall for her OMG... And what is wrong with a woman using you for sex? Has something changed since I was in collage? Come on man!!! Keep you feelings in check and enjoy getting laid. If she wants more she will let you know. Until then have fun and enjoy yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 After reviewing your answers, i understand that the title was misleading, the question not well written and overall missing a lot of key information. However, i decided by the answers i got to not be a pussy anymore and just straight up ask what direction our "relationship" was headed, and seems like i've been overthinking. She said she thought we were heading into a serious relationship all this time, and didn't really think to ask me if i thought the same. I guess this is just a result of two shy people in their early, inexperienced twenties. Thanks a bunch for the replies anyway, they helped me out in the end! Glad things worked out for you. So why did she reject all the times you wanted to go out together? Link to post Share on other sites
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