My date suggested we "take a step back" as friends.

[Retr0spect]

Hey there.

 

It's my first time posting here but I'm a long time lurker.

 

A short sketch of the situation: about two and a half months ago, I met an amazing girl online on Tinder. We started chatting for hours on end in the days following, we went on several dates before we kissed. Some dates after we first had sex.

 

Context: Both her and I came out of relationships around the same time. Mine lasted 2,5 years while hers was 6 year long with her first boyfriend. They broke up amicable and said they are still friends but she was over him.

 

Most of the weeks after the initial phase, we'd visit each other (we live quite some distance apart), go to the movies. We cooked for eachother and always had a good and intimate time. She met my friends, I met some of hers and we did a small city trip together. Around that time I confessed I didn't mind being boyfriend/girlfriend to which she said she wouldn't mind either. What I noticed about it all is that it all went rather organically, and nothing ever felt forced. Though some things could be considered "accelerated" (she met my parents), even though they did not feel that way. Not to me or her, as far as I know, in that moment.

 

However, very recently, we started chatting less, my internship started and her school break ended so I didn't really make a thing out of it at first. However, a little later I did notice a change in "mood", not being brought on by school or anything. When I brought it up, the converstion eventually flowed to her saying she's having a hard time to open up emotionally and that she did not expect it to be this way. A matter of 'wanting to but I can't.'. She mentioned her long ex-relationship might also be a reason. She suggested we'd take a 'step back and get to know each other better, but as friends".

 

Now, I find myself unexpectedly emotional over this situation and her. I rarely develop such a fondness for someone as I did for her and she admitted to me that she always has such a blast with me, finds me very attractive and nice and that she did not regret doing this for one bit. She said 'she'd do it again in a heartbeat'.

 

However, I feel like I'm not interested in something platonic with her. Firstly, it'd be too confusing for me. Secondly, it's practically not optimal. Driving the distance to see her really wasn't too much of a bother for me given our previous romantic situation but I don't know if I want to do it now.

 

When we talked about it I told her I wouldn't be in touch for a while but that she shouldn't keep herself from contacting me if she wanted to. She regretted this, saying that she really does not want to break contact and that she'd be super bummed out if I did.

 

However, today she texted me out of nowhere during her lunch break, with our split only having happened earlier this week. It was a rather casual conversation but I quickly told her it was confusing me. I suggested we might meet up in the future to discuss how we'd further approach this. She said it might be a good idea. That was about it for this last specific conversation.

 

I'm confused. I'd like to let her go for now but I also do have these tender, sweet feelings towards her. Feelings I rarely have, because I'm usually a little more shallow than this. Permanently letting her go will be really hard, and I find it hard to convince myself that I might just have to do it. For now, I guess.

 

I guess my question is really just wanting to see if anyone here has some pointers on courses of action for this situation.

 

As far as I know, I get a very genuine feeling about this person. I'm not suspecting a cop-out here but obviously it might just be a way to let me down easily. Which'd suck since I told her I only do no-bull**** communicative cultures in relationships.

Edited February 25, 2017 by Retr0spect

[olivetree]

How long ago did she and her ex break up?

 

It sounds like she has unresolved feelings for her ex or the relationship.

She needs to heal from that before she is ready to be fully with someone new.

 

Since you want her romantically and may still at a later date, you're doing the right thing by letting her go and not trying to be friends but still leaving the door open.

Give her some time and she may very well return, ready to be open and focus on you.

[Ieris]

@Retr0spect ~ When I find myself in that situation, I tell myself that just because I like someone/something that doesn't mean I have to have it. If someone stayed with me but deep down I know that they don't want to be here then there is just no point. Let them go and just better yourself, maybe they'll realize what they lost or maybe they won't but with 7 Billion+ people in the world, I'm sure you'll find someone who sees the value in you

[Retr0spect]

How long ago did she and her ex break up?

 

It sounds like she has unresolved feelings for her ex or the relationship.

She needs to heal from that before she is ready to be fully with someone new.

 

Since you want her romantically and may still at a later date, you're doing the right thing by letting her go and not trying to be friends but still leaving the door open.

Give her some time and she may very well return, ready to be open and focus on you.

 

This was around October last year, same as my relationship ended.

[SevenCity]

Hey there.

 

As far as I know, I get a very genuine feeling about this person. I'm not suspecting a cop-out here but obviously it might just be a way to let me down easily. Which'd suck since I told her I only do no-bull**** communicative cultures in relationships.

 

She's not letting you down easy, she is letting herself down easy.

 

If you search the threads on this board (or talk to any guy) you'll see women do this all the time.

 

They want to friendzone you for a couple reasons:

 

1) It allows them to pursue other relationships and have you as a fallback

2) It's used to ween themselves off of you so they can transition to a new guy

 

Don't fall for it - you did absolutely the right thing.

 

If she calls again just tell her you are not interested in being friends (you aren't) but are open to something romantic if she changes her mind.

[smackie9]

Also it just could be she realized she's not that into you, but enjoys the companionship because she is lonely....she was with someone for 6 1/2 years...that is quite an adjustment to get used to. It's also possible she just wants to date others and not jump right into a relationship because she didn't want to be just filling a void...meaning if she stayed she would be with you for the wrong reasons. It was for the best she came to terms with what was happening.

 

I think it's very fair that you are not wanting to be friends....tell her no contact and move on.

[fireflywy]

You know own what you want and what you don't want. You want something more than she. She doesn't.

 

Time to say goodbye, end the heartache of purgatory, go no contact, and move on. There are other fish in the sea my friend and if you can catch one you can catch bigger.

[kendahke]

Last thing you want is someone who hasn't processed the demise of their relationship properly. Everyone will end up confused and confusion always happens when you have feelings for someone else but you aren't sure if they're interested in you in the same way. She's told you she doesn't have those feelings for you... that's fair. What isn't fair is for her to know this about you, but still be selfish enough to want to keep you around as her sop rag.

[Cookiesandough]

I've concluded "Take a step back/let's go slow " has only 2 possible meanings..."I'm not feeling you that much/you haven't impressed me enough, but Im willing to give you a shot and maybe that will change" OR "I'm not feeling you that much/you haven't impressed me enough, but stay there so I can use you until something I really want comes along."

 

You did the right thing.