New guy - great in person, terrible in between dates!

[Sar112]

Three months ago I met this guy through a mutual friend. I was a little wary at first, as I had suffered a horrible break up 12 months previous and was still feeling the affects - hence didn't want to jump into anything I wasn't sure about.

 

He seemed different to most guys I have dated previously. Namely, he had a good job, own home, great prospects - but above all seemed like a real gentleman and someone who was looking for the same things as I am from a relationship.

 

It took me nearly two months to agree to go out on a date and he was persistent (but not overly so) throughout this time. When we did eventually go - we had a great evening - really clicked even more than I was expecting us to and there was great chemistry.

 

Fast forward a month and we have been out another three times. Each time great. Last time I stayed over at his and when I'm with him everything is wonderful. The trouble is, as soon as I leave, and in between dates, he turns into this 'useless' person that before I started seeing him, he hadn't come across as being.

 

We both work relatively high pressure jobs and live an hours drive away from each other so there isn't much chance to see one another during the week. During this time though, he has barely contacted me and it is always me that initiates the next date. It started getting to me last week and so I was up front and asked him if he wasn't interested anymore, just to say and that I wouldn't be offended, not at this stage.

 

He insisted that he was and since then when we have been together, has talked about us going away over the summer if we're still dating, he has even mentioned the 'b' word (boyfriend). Yet again though this week, he has been quiet, and when I asked him what he wanted to do this weekend - his response was 'What do you have in mind?'.

 

I just feel like he should be making some of the decisions and initiating things as well as me. It's as though in person he is the keen one but when we're not together it's me doing all the work.

 

I had enough of it today and responded to the 'what do you have in mind?' with 'let's just leave it shall we', and now I've had no response which has made me feel pretty crappy all day.

 

He seems like such a decent, kind person and we seem to be a really good fit. He's been very open with me from the start and from what I can gather, has had limited experience in terms of relationships/dating, and so I've no suspicions that there is anyone else involved in this case. Just feeling pretty low right now that I don't know where I stand and that despite talk of 'future' etc... at such an early stage he is making little to no effort.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I would really appreciate some advice

[chix]

I posted this elsewhere, and wonder if there might be something in it of value for you:

 

"Not sure if I can help to explain this, but maybe! I hate text messages. I don't have long conversations over text messages. I don't discuss anything important over text messages. I'm never enthusiastic about text messages. I send the odd news story. I send the odd silly or flirty message. I send the odd picture.

 

I can imagine myself having that exact comversation in the original post, and me being the one to stop replying.

 

I don't really think text messaging works as a back and forth method of communication. It has been the downfall of many a friendship and relationship. Suggest a phonecall, and see how communicative the person is over the phone. Assuming a phonecall goes well, make that the default way to chat when you aren't together.

 

Communication is a key part of assessing compatibility. I would never be a good match with someone who says very little, because I'm a chatty, lively person, and don't like when I am the person carrying the conversation all the time. It wouldn't be that such a person has done anything wrong or is bad etc; just that we're not compatible.

 

Best of luck, and enjoy the Springtime."

 

How often have you spoken on the phone?

 

My apologies if you think this is not relevant.

[Ieris]

@Sar112 ~ I know there are some people who are not a fan of talking on the phone or texting but if they aren't arranging to meet up either then just write them off. Just low interest, not even worth pursuing.

[chix]

Ieris you've just reminded me of an important question I forgot to ask. Thank you!

 

Who plans the dates?

 

Sar what is it you think should be different 1 month in? What do you think is lacking?

[Popsicle]

The distance is a contributor to this problem and would bother me, but you don't seem to mind that, so my recommendation is to in your own mind consider the relationship over and do not text with him unless he texts first, to which you can respond with the same level of chatter and pleasantries that he has given you in his preceding text. Do not initiate talk of seeing him or weekend plans either and just see what his real level of interest is in seeing you without your leading it. If he doesn't make plans, then start seeing other people.

[Sar112]

We don't really speak on the phone - it's s bit of a strange one as we met because we commute home on the same train as each other from work every day.

 

Before we started dating properly, his messages were lengthier and more frequent, so I don't know if now he just thinks he's done the ground work so doesn't need to put the same effort in (annoying if that is the case).

 

Re who suggests the specifics re dates - it's relatively equal although it's always me that asks if he wants to do something, then sometimes he will suggest what.

 

It may be nothing to do with it, but I do get the feeling that he may have had some bad experiences in the past and is a bit shy/scared of getting hurt. For instance - after the first date (which went great) he messaged straight away saying what a great time he had had. Then nothing for three days. Then he gets on the train and sits next to me - chats all the way home - still doesn't suggest doing anything!

 

In the end I just said (jokingly) 'do I have to wait another month before a second date?' - then he just laughed and said he wasn't sure if I'd want to go out again and that he was being a 'modern' man waiting for me to ask. So frustrating!

[carhill]

In the end I just said (jokingly) 'do I have to wait another month before a second date?' - then he just laughed and said he wasn't sure if I'd want to go out again and that he was being a 'modern' man waiting for me to ask. So frustrating!

 

My question would be do you find this style of interaction to be compatible? Leave aside the good guy part and focus on the dating style part. No one is right or wrong here. You each have your own styles of dating and communication. If they fit, they fit. If not, not.

 

As an older guy, my guy opinion is that he's not sufficiently interested to be flirtatious and proactive about asking you out on dates. I'm decidedly not 'modern' YMMV!

[smackie9]

Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....this is why we date....to see if they are a good fit in every way. This guy doesn't cut it....cut him loose because IMO you shouldn't have to tell people how to date you. That is damn silly....go find a suitable man.

[chix]

Do you think you're compatible? It sounds to me like you're not - not that anyone's a bad person, or that anyone did anything wrong, but that you're not suited. How much have you ascertained about what he's looking for? Are you physically intimate? Have both of you said that you find each other attractive etc?

[Sar112]

That's my worry - that although he seems really interested when we're together, that interest seems to dwindle when we're not. It probably is a little old fashioned but I do like the man to do the majority of the running when things are starting out...

 

We actually seem really compatible - again, when we are together. We've been physically intimate, both find each other attractive. From the way he talks he wants a girlfriend - which I'm open to I just don't want to rush into anything - again because of what has happened with guys in the past. Difference being that in those cases it was me that was keen to make it 'official' - I think this time maybe it's the other way around.

 

I think maybe it is time to just knock it on the head. It's a shame but like you are all saying - if he isn't going to put the effort in, there's no point me trying to force it.

[Popsicle]

Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....this is why we date....to see if they are a good fit in every way. This guy doesn't cut it....cut him loose because IMO you shouldn't have to tell people how to date you. That is damn silly....go find a suitable man.

 

This and this.

 

Now that I've read your other posts in this thread, he's probably just not for you.

 

It's only been a month so let him go.

[Sar112]

Thanks everyone I think maybe you're right...

 

I did eventually get my response in case anyone is interested...

 

'Don't say that. I want to see you I'd say if I didn't '... clearly doesn't want to see me that much though right.

 

Oh well, looks like another one bites the dust!

[preraph]

If you don't stop taking the lead and always being the one initiating, you are never going to know if he's man enough that you want to be with him. It's fine to reciprocate, of course, but when the woman is the one having to always initiate (and this is true even in friendships), something is all wrong. And how you start off is how you end up, so if you want him to ask you out, stop asking him out first, because he will get lazy and take you for granted, for sure.

[carhill]

OP, I saw a lot of this style dichotomy in my father's generation of men - they'd pursue a woman, get her, then fall into their routine and when she'd go 'wha??!', they'd go 'hey, I come home every night and give you my paycheck. Of course I love you. What do you want?'

 

This guy, the guy you're interacting with, reminds me of friends who dated numerous women at the same time. They enjoyed the company of each when with them but seemed distant otherwise, mainly because their time and attention was occupied with other women they were also dating and, yup, having 'intimate relations' with. This was very common when I was young for both men and women. The main difference is we didn't have instant communication and social media, rather corded home and pay phones and feet and cars. About all we did between dates was call a lady once or twice, mostly to set up the next date. They, and we, did everything else pretty much opaque to anyone since there was none of this electronic tracking and tethering like now.

 

Beware of guys, or people in general, who 'let' you date them, love them, marry them. Hopefully this experience was helpful.

[coolheadal]

Three months ago I met this guy through a mutual friend. I was a little wary at first, as I had suffered a horrible break up 12 months previous and was still feeling the affects - hence didn't want to jump into anything I wasn't sure about.

 

He seemed different to most guys I have dated previously. Namely, he had a good job, own home, great prospects - but above all seemed like a real gentleman and someone who was looking for the same things as I am from a relationship.

 

It took me nearly two months to agree to go out on a date and he was persistent (but not overly so) throughout this time. When we did eventually go - we had a great evening - really clicked even more than I was expecting us to and there was great chemistry.

 

Fast forward a month and we have been out another three times. Each time great. Last time I stayed over at his and when I'm with him everything is wonderful. The trouble is, as soon as I leave, and in between dates, he turns into this 'useless' person that before I started seeing him, he hadn't come across as being.

 

We both work relatively high pressure jobs and live an hours drive away from each other so there isn't much chance to see one another during the week. During this time though, he has barely contacted me and it is always me that initiates the next date. It started getting to me last week and so I was up front and asked him if he wasn't interested anymore, just to say and that I wouldn't be offended, not at this stage.

 

He insisted that he was and since then when we have been together, has talked about us going away over the summer if we're still dating, he has even mentioned the 'b' word (boyfriend). Yet again though this week, he has been quiet, and when I asked him what he wanted to do this weekend - his response was 'What do you have in mind?'.

 

I just feel like he should be making some of the decisions and initiating things as well as me. It's as though in person he is the keen one but when we're not together it's me doing all the work.

 

I had enough of it today and responded to the 'what do you have in mind?' with 'let's just leave it shall we', and now I've had no response which has made me feel pretty crappy all day.

 

He seems like such a decent, kind person and we seem to be a really good fit. He's been very open with me from the start and from what I can gather, has had limited experience in terms of relationships/dating, and so I've no suspicions that there is anyone else involved in this case. Just feeling pretty low right now that I don't know where I stand and that despite talk of 'future' etc... at such an early stage he is making little to no effort.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I would really appreciate some advice

 

Sounds like to me he's very depressed and not motivated enough to be with because of the present situation you both are in. You want more out of him and you can't change this guy to what you want out of relationship. Then you don't know him enough to really see what's happening in his inner self to come to a real conclusion about things. Now you have to instigate things otherwise nothing happens. You have to find out what's happening with him. Be investigator and see where you stand first? You would have to go and follow him when he's not around to know what the heck he's really doing in his life. When he's away from you. That's the real issue I see with you two. If you want him so much and feel that you two click, then you should pursue this than to just cut him loose!

[Sar112]

Thanks guys

 

I don't think the possibility of him dating other women is really an issue here. I could be wrong, but it is more our jobs (he's a lawyer) and the fact that both of us have very little time in between for dating. 5am starts and 8pm finishes (if we're lucky) don't leave much time for socialising unfortunately! The first time we went out he even apologised if he seemed nervous as he couldn't remember the last time he'd been on a first date...

 

I am inclined to think that maybe being constantly tired like this does have a negative effect on people's mental health, but again, I don't know if that's something I should be worrying about at this early stage.

 

Best thing to do I think, is to cool off and see if he starts making an effort. If not, then obviously not worth pursuing!

[Cookiesandough]

I think we have a half-hearted, lazy dater going on here. Doesn't care all that much .

Edited February 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

A lot of great stuff. I personally do not see any evidence of depression on his part. But if he's a busy lawyer, lawyering whatever he lawyers, he could be unsatisfied with his job and as mentioned, too exhausted and pre-occupied to think about the next date.

 

He could be the lazy type where as soon as he's done the chasing with EXTRA-ordinary effort, he feels that he's done his job and becomes his true self.

 

The OP mentions that he messaged more frequently early on and now he's slacking in that area. This is where I wonder if his true nature is showing up. He clearly texts and this form of communication is not an inconvenience as long as he founds it fruitful. So, texting is not the issue here. I suspect that, at this time and moment, you are dealing with someone who is very busy or being himself. Hopefully not the latter.

 

Continue coming up with suggestions for dates and let him select. It may be helpful in this case. I know you like the man to do the leg work, but if he's too busy and you like him, it may be worth taking over for a bit.

 

I dated a very busy professional woman who didn't like texting. I did so sparingly and did all the planning. She was like you. Traditional, but she soon realized that I was busy too and before TOO long, started to plan when she could. I appreciated that and helped to FURTHER motivate me in the relationship and certainly respect her for her efforts, though sporadic.

[elaine567]

YOU are already making up excuses for him, based on pure speculation.

Oh he is soo shy... Oh he is so inexperienced... Oh he has been hurt... Oh he has to work a lot... Oh he doesn't show his emotions much... oh he is soo tired/stressed...

Only to find he is married, has another woman/women, is dating multiple women, is not that into you, or dumps you forthwith as he was never really that interested...

Too many women make up excuses for "unavailable" men.

Men who are really interested act interested. They do not want to lose you to someone else.

 

Who cares how keen he is on dates?

In between dates he is essentially MIA and that is a huge red flag.

[Gr8fuln2020]

YOU are already making up excuses for him, based on pure speculation.

Oh he is soo shy... Oh he is so inexperienced... Oh he has been hurt... Oh he has to work a lot... Oh he doesn't show his emotions much... oh he is soo tired/stressed...

Only to find he is married, has another woman/women, is dating multiple women, is not that into you, or dumps you forthwith as he was never really that interested...

Too many women make up excuses for "unavailable" men.

Men who are really interested act interested. They do not want to lose you to someone else.

 

Who cares how keen he is on dates?

In between dates he is essentially MIA and that is a huge red flag.

 

Oh, forgot to mention the hurt-thing. Yeah, don't know how you came to the conclusion that he may have been hurt in the past to explain his behavior, but don't go there. Whether he has or not, it shouldn't explain his lack of enthusiasm between dates.

 

BTW, sorry if I missed this, but do you see him or have you seen him every weekend since you started dating him?

[Sar112]

I've seen him every weekend bar one - which was down to me as it was my birthday and had pre-arranged a trip with my friends.

 

I am almost certainly making excuses for him with some things it's true - and I do think he's lazy. I think we can count out the other women thing - at least when it comes to be being married anyway! :') I've been round to his place and spent quite a chunk of time there - no sign of any SO! We've both discussed previous relationships and been pretty open with each other.

 

Re dates, I love to plan things and if it was a little further along the line I'd be up for organising it all... it's just the lack of effort at this early stage like I say. But then again, I've been in situations where someone has put in all the effort to start out with, said all the rights things, charmed me good and proper - and then in the end they actually turned out to be the ones that I couldn't trust.

 

This just isn't what I'm used to and I'm left feeling a bit exposed as a result.

[SevenCity]

YOU are already making up excuses for him, based on pure speculation.

Oh he is soo shy... Oh he is so inexperienced... Oh he has been hurt... Oh he has to work a lot... Oh he doesn't show his emotions much... oh he is soo tired/stressed...

Only to find he is married, has another woman/women, is dating multiple women, is not that into you, or dumps you forthwith as he was never really that interested...

Too many women make up excuses for "unavailable" men.

Men who are really interested act interested. They do not want to lose you to someone else.

 

Who cares how keen he is on dates?

In between dates he is essentially MIA and that is a huge red flag.

 

Perhaps I'm a bit old fashioned, but aren't relationships supposed to be built in person? Or has technology made it so texting and phone calls are the primary vehicles for a good foundation?

 

OP - instead of voicing your complaints here, why not speak to him about it? Why not tell him your expectations and needs before tossing him?

 

Perhaps it's not the same for you, but for most people it's not easy to find a compatible partner.

[elaine567]

Perhaps I'm a bit old fashioned, but aren't relationships supposed to be built in person? .

 

Of course, but the person he is between dates also needs taken into consideration.

He only sees the OP on weekends, despite only living 1 hour apart and is mostly uncommunicative unless SHE makes the effort.

 

OP - instead of voicing your complaints here, why not speak to him about it?

 

She did. Last week, all to no avail.

[Popsicle]

Thanks everyone I think maybe you're right...

 

I did eventually get my response in case anyone is interested...

 

'Don't say that. I want to see you I'd say if I didn't '... clearly doesn't want to see me that much though right.

 

Oh well, looks like another one bites the dust!

 

He's thick.

With thick people you have to say EXACTLY what you want.

 

What you should have said is: "I need you to ask me out for a date before the weekend and to text/phone me everyday in between dates."

 

I'm not kidding.

 

Anything less you say to him or any hinting you do (like you did) will not be clear to him.

 

If it makes you sick that you have to do this (it would me) then dump him and move on to someone who is sharper or who won't play with you.

[Sar112]

Perhaps I haven't addressed things as well as I could've done in that all I asked was whether he was actually still interested. I didn't address the lack of communication issue or the lack of effort re arranging dates, as last week (despite me suggesting we do something), it was in fact him for once that came up with the 'plan' of what to do.

 

The not seeing one another during the week is by no means his choice, in fact it's more mine if anything. In fact come to think of it, he did suggest a cinema date in the week last week but it was me that mentioned postponing as I was just exhausted!

 

Again, it sounds like excuses but that's just how it is at the moment - if things were to progress then staying over during the week would be an option but I don't feel like we're there yet - just still getting to know one another.

 

Having been hurt in the past a couple of times when thing had just been starting out, it would just be nice if things could just go smoothly for once. Nothing is ever simple eh!