Dilemma [terrified of ever having to tell someone this about me again]

[Cali1978]

Hi, looking for some insight! I'm a 37 year old woman who somehow has remained a virgin until now. I didn't have a lot of confidence growing up and didnt believe a man would be interested in having a relationship with me. I always thought when I met the right man a relationship would come naturally to me. In the last year I've done some internet dating and met quite a few guys. Some I knew straight away weren't for me and one or two I probably gave more time to than I should have. I'm attractive and have a good personality so I'm the surface I come across well. But I always knew the virgin thing would raise its head. I just never met a guy I felt I could disclose that to. A few months ago I met a guy and he was very into me and having a relationship which seems rare nowadays for a man of 39. He has been away travellling for a long time but is back in his hometown now. He is back in college and working also. I on the other hand have worked my way up my job, own my own house and generally have a good life. He's the first guy I've told I'm a virgin as things were moving on-he consistently took me on dates that I enjoyed so it got to the point I had to disclose. He took it generally pretty well and is going for sti tests etc (my anxiety around stis didn't help me having a relationship all along). But sometimes I'm unsure how compatible we are. I love seeing him and we get on well but I don't have this crazy butterfly feeling I might have had before when I fancied someone-more a calm feeling. He treats me well, is a gentleman and we have quite a lot in common. He makes a big effort to see me and I'm always happy to see him. I like being intimate with him and we can talk about everything. I just don't have these crazy in love feelings. I was starting to feel them before I told him I was a virgin but our relationship kinda took a turn then for a while where we broke up but he realise don't he had more feelings for me than he thought. A few of my friends without even meeting him think I'm too good for him and that maybe he's latched onto me due to my owning my own place They question his prospects. He's extremely intelligent and is a hard worker so I'm sure will do well when he finishes his course. He returned to his hometown to better himself. Because of my lack of experience I am worried about going along with something that isn't right because I don't know better. But no one is perfect surely and who gets to 39 without some baggage and we can't have everything.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Cali1978
Spelling

[preraph]

Since you've made it to 37 still a virgin, I'm going to speculate that you may not have that big desire thing going because that's who you are, not because he's not good enough. It's at least something to consider.

 

You didn't ask, but I'm going to offer this piece of advice. First of all, they say that many women have "lost their cherry" by a certain age regardless of whether they had intercourse. It can sometimes just happen.

 

But I wouldn't want the anxiety of worrying about that first time, and you don't have to. Go see a gynecologist of your choice, and ask them to tell you if you your hymen is intact or not anymore. And if you are, consider having them take care of that so first time sex is not painful. If they do it, you probably will barely know it (difference of sharp instrument clean cut versus blunt instrument). Just a thought.

 

You also might benefit from a hormone panel to see whether your hormones are at normal levels or not, just in case.

 

Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is perfect.

 

 

Does he seem like a gold digger to you? To me it seems like he's trying to better himself.

 

 

I met DH when I was 39. He was still in school but working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I was a successful licensed professional with a graduate degree & my own business. I suppose some would say I was "too good" for him. We fell in love & married anyway. After he graduated he landed an amazing steady job & in the lean years out earns me.

 

 

If he's showing himself to be a quality individual you make up your own mind about him. Don't listen to your friends (unless every single person you know is saying he's bad news)

[smackie9]

The more you question/analyze things, the more you will never experience being a woman. Stop putting the brakes on and live life by throwing caution into the wind. If it doesn't work out oh well that's life, you walk away with the experience, and ready for the next one. It's just a relationship. There is no obligation to see it through to marriage. Take the pressure off and enjoy yourself.

[Gaeta]

He's the first guy I've told I'm a virgin as things were moving on-he consistently took me on dates that I enjoyed so it got to the point I had to disclose. He took it generally pretty well and is going for sti tests etc (my anxiety around stis didn't help me having a relationship all along). But sometimes I'm unsure how compatible we are. I love seeing him and we get on well but I don't have this crazy butterfly feeling I might have had before when I fancied someone-more a calm feeling. He treats me well, is a gentleman and we have quite a lot in common. He makes a big effort to see me and I'm always happy to see him. I like being intimate with him and we can talk about everything. I just don't have these crazy in love feelings. I was starting to feel them before I told him I was a virgin but our relationship kinda took a turn then for a while where we broke up but he realise don't he had more feelings for me than he thought. A few of my friends without even meeting him think I'm too good for him and that maybe he's latched onto me due to my owning my own place They question his prospects. He's extremely intelligent and is a hard worker so I'm sure will do well when he finishes his course. He returned to his hometown to better himself. Because of my lack of experience I am worried about going along with something that isn't right because I don't know better. But no one is perfect surely and who gets to 39 without some baggage and we can't have everything.

 

What you have together is much better than a crazy-love-feeling that won't last anyway. Love is something you need to grow and nurture, it's not something that will hit you on the head like you seem to be expecting.

 

He is a good man to be intimate with. He has feelings for you, he treats you well, you get along well. That is the type of man you should lose your virginity to. If it doesn't last than it's life, you'll be fine and you'll be rid of this burden of being a virgin at 37.

[Cali1978]

Thank you everyone for your comments. There was some good advice! I was feeling quite confused when I wrote all that last night. A friend had just told me she thought I was making a mistake with him even though she hasn't met him yet. She feels I've a lot going for me and he has no savings due to being out of the country for years. He is definitely a good guy, a bit immature maybe but that was somewhat attractive to me too. Sometimes I wonder if both of us are settling a little bit which I don't think either of us want to do. He has been in plenty relationships so maybe knows what he wants. He did want to meet some close to his own age and with her stuff together which is me I guess!

[Gaeta]

Thank you everyone for your comments. There was some good advice! I was feeling quite confused when I wrote all that last night. A friend had just told me she thought I was making a mistake with him even though she hasn't met him yet. She feels I've a lot going for me and he has no savings due to being out of the country for years. He is definitely a good guy, a bit immature maybe but that was somewhat attractive to me too. Sometimes I wonder if both of us are settling a little bit which I don't think either of us want to do. He has been in plenty relationships so maybe knows what he wants. He did want to meet some close to his own age and with her stuff together which is me I guess!

 

He treats you well, he's working, he's taking concrete actions to better his future by being back in college. He has the rest of his life to build savings. People reach financial security not until their 40s. Your friend may just be jealous of your new guy and the attention he gives you. After all you never had a boyfriend before so it's an adaptation for your friends as well.

[introverted1]

What caused the break-up? How long did it last and what made you decide to reconcile?

[d0nnivain]

. A friend had just told me she thought I was making a mistake with him even though she hasn't met him yet.

 

Then her opinion isn't very valuable, is it? Granted neither are the opinions of a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

 

I will also share with you that my husband's two biggest detractors are no longer in my life. One was a former business partner of mine. The other my older cousin. They both kept telling me I should do what they were doing -- holding out for a millionaire who could support them. 10 years later, they are both broke, one lost her business, the other can't hold a job. Neither can maintain a healthy relationship while I've been happily married for 8 years.

[Cali1978]

He started to get a bit freaked out about being my first. He thought it was kinda sweet when I first told him but a few weeks later one night, he let it all out that he was a bit freaked about it and didn't know how to handle it. The following day he messaged saying he didn't mean for things to end and could we try again. When I met him he said he'd had felt really crap the following day and made him realise he had more feelings for me than he thought. He's been fine about the virgin thing since.

[chix]

I don't understand why things ended? Can you explain that a bit more? It's fine to express apprehension about something, but why wouldn't that just lead to a conversation about going 1 step at a time as both feel comfortable, and figuring out ways to focus on fun and release the pressure he was feeling?

[d0nnivain]

He started to get a bit freaked out about being my first. He thought it was kinda sweet when I first told him but a few weeks later one night, he let it all out that he was a bit freaked about it and didn't know how to handle it. The following day he messaged saying he didn't mean for things to end and could we try again. When I met him he said he'd had felt really crap the following day and made him realise he had more feelings for me than he thought. He's been fine about the virgin thing since.

 

 

It's a understandable. You have your reasons for still being a virgin at this age. If part of that previously included waiting for marriage he may be a bit overwhelmed by the implications & what he perceives to be your expectations should your relationship be consummated.

 

 

On another realistic note, because despite the myth of the virgin, he could be worried that since you don't know what you are doing & have gone this long without sex, you may be bad in bed.

 

 

For your sake I'm going to optimistically hope that you take an adult approach & once you make a decision you learn & go with gusto.

 

 

Since he came back around chalk it up as a hiccup & move forward.

[Cali1978]

Hi this follows on a little from another thread here.

I am just out of a four month relationship with a guy. He ended things as things just seemed to be too much hard work. He was so keen at the beginning, wanted a relationship quite badly. I was keen for a relationship too so I think both of us really wanted it to work. The problem was he had tonnes of experience and I had pretty much zero. I've dated guys and kissed loads but due to self esteem issues I'm only now at 37 getting around to having a bit more confidence in dating. He was ok with me not having had sex at first but I was slow to get things going between us. I just didn't feel comfortable. I knew if I didn't soon things would end. I was ready after a few drinks one night but after a couple of seconds of trying he freaked out, jumped up, started shouting he was too old for this and it wasn't his job to teach me. I was really hurt but we struggled on until after more arguments things came to an end.

 

I'm confused that I'm either 1) just mentally and emotionally unable to have sexual or 2) that I just didn't feel enough chemistry between us to WANT to do it (much sooner than we tried).

I'm terrified of ever having to tell someone this about me again and think I'll never be able to have a proper relationship. Am I emotionally damaged or is there a chance of ever meeting a man who I feels enough for me and me him, to work through this? Like, I did try but I felt like I was this innocent, wide eyed idiot to him.

Edited April 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[Jj66]

I am guessing he hadn't had sex with a virgin before. It is different.

 

I have had sex with a couple of virgins before. The first time I was also a virgin and didn't have a clue what I was doing. It actually hurt me physically. It was so hard to push in that my frenulum ripped.

 

I really would consider going to a gynecologist and having a hymenectomy. That way you don't have to disclose your "secret" and potentially scare these inconsiderate wimps away.

[BaileyB]

Hi, looking for some insight! I'm a 37 year old woman who somehow has remained a virgin until now. I didn't have a lot of confidence growing up and didnt believe a man would be interested in having a relationship with me. I always thought when I met the right man a relationship would come naturally to me. In the last year I've done some internet dating and met quite a few guys. Some I knew straight away weren't for me and one or two I probably gave more time to than I should have. I'm attractive and have a good personality so I'm the surface I come across well. But I always knew the virgin thing would raise its head. I just never met a guy I felt I could disclose that to. A few months ago I met a guy and he was very into me and having a relationship which seems rare nowadays for a man of 39. He has been away travellling for a long time but is back in his hometown now. He is back in college and working also. I on the other hand have worked my way up my job, own my own house and generally have a good life. He's the first guy I've told I'm a virgin as things were moving on-he consistently took me on dates that I enjoyed so it got to the point I had to disclose. He took it generally pretty well and is going for sti tests etc (my anxiety around stis didn't help me having a relationship all along). But sometimes I'm unsure how compatible we are. I love seeing him and we get on well but I don't have this crazy butterfly feeling I might have had before when I fancied someone-more a calm feeling. He treats me well, is a gentleman and we have quite a lot in common. He makes a big effort to see me and I'm always happy to see him. I like being intimate with him and we can talk about everything. I just don't have these crazy in love feelings. I was starting to feel them before I told him I was a virgin but our relationship kinda took a turn then for a while where we broke up but he realise don't he had more feelings for me than he thought. A few of my friends without even meeting him think I'm too good for him and that maybe he's latched onto me due to my owning my own place They question his prospects. He's extremely intelligent and is a hard worker so I'm sure will do well when he finishes his course. He returned to his hometown to better himself. Because of my lack of experience I am worried about going along with something that isn't right because I don't know better. But no one is perfect surely and who gets to 39 without some baggage and we can't have everything.

 

You just have to trust your instinct, and watch his actions to see if he likes you or likes the financial assets you bring to a relationship.

 

Otherwise, be wary of the "crazy in love" feelings. They are not real, but what you describe is very real. If he treats you well and you enjoy his company, then take a chance. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out... Nothing is perfect and we can't control everything. It might just actually work out...

[BaileyB]

 

I really would consider going to a gynecologist and having a hymenectomy. That way you don't have to disclose your "secret" and potentially scare these inconsiderate wimps away.

 

Most women don't have to worry about a hymen. Especially, if she has played sports, worn a tampon, etc... The most important thing when you have sex for the first time is to breathe and relax... because any pain is more likely to be felt if you are anxious and not relaxed.

 

Some reading on myths about the hymen.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cristen-conger/sex-myth_b_1154683.html

Edited April 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[todreaminblue]

inconsiderate wimp is right from jj66 posters words..........im sorry cal.......that you found one.....heshould have felt special......and instead he wimped out.....you have guts girl ..you have guts to be honest and the right guy for you will see that..be proud you are you...no one else like you in this whole world.....

 

if he wimped out at learning about you intimately just because you havent experience...what else would he wimp out at.......part of teaching someone anything is to be really ready to humble yourself to learn abotu who you are teaching.........and this guy thinks he has learnt it all and he hasnt...he missed out on learning about you...which is another guys gain.....sex between anyone vigrin or non virgin alike is a learning curve for both....he wanted to feel his experience made him more learned than you.....its actually untrue.....

 

 

sexual union between a couple is a bonding..its meant to be like spiritual glue.......doesnt matter if you have experience or not, its a bond that forms from knowing each other intimately ...he had no experience in that regard as you didnt...he didnt want to put in the effort to learn about you..he could have, should have learned about you....

but

in a way im glad he didnt..im not glad he damaged you...or hurt you...he sucks big time....but i am glad because now you can find the guy who does really want to learn about you exerienced or not....what matters is knowing you who you are as a person and intimately knowing you, not how many others have intimately known you or not known you that has no bearing on the bond formation from a sexual union between two unique individuals

 

we arent all lemmings who like the same things or do the same things sexually....every sexual bond is unique............

 

 

a good teacher learns more every time,more than he teaches.....a teacher listens more than he speaks...to know who his stuedents are and how they learn............bets are he would be a selfish and inconsiderate lover..a bad teacher...good teachers ...dont wimp out.......as he was a selfish and inconsiderate gutless.man..he woudl have damaged you more sexually than what you feel now......please dont feel bad...you dodged a bullet.....and i wish you much love in your future with the guy who truly cares for you who has good guts..........deb

Edited April 28, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BaileyB]

Sorry, just saw the update...

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you find someone special to share this experience. You should never do anything if you are not comfortable!

 

With the right person, it will not be an issue. Best you learn sooner than later that this guy was not the one. Best wishes.

[OnlyHonesty]

Part of what is causing you more problems is that you are listening to your friends. ''My friend said this'' ''my friend said that'' it's very unlikely that your friends are coming from a place of objectivity and could well be projecting. Listen to your own intuition, not your friends.

[healing light]

Girl, older virgin here as well (31). I explained that in response to another person's thread, but long story short, I've been chronically ill so I haven't been dating and want to be in love. You would never know because I don't fit any of the stereotypes--at all--and am generally perceived as attractive, intelligent, sociable.

 

That being said, you're not alone and what this guy said was awful. He's not representative of all men, I think it's just harder living here in CA where it can be seen as more normal to have a series of one night stands than to wait for someone meaningful. My sister was a virgin until around 21 or so, and she actually had an experienced guy attempt to have sex with her for around 8 months (she was having some kind of vaginal spasm that is rare--but she's now a mother of 2 and has no problems in that department). She ended up losing her virginity to a different man. My point being that even though she was younger than us, that one guy stuck through a process that must have been pretty traumatic for both of them on some level. So good men are out there and willing to work with you, even though I totally understand your anxiety around it.

 

That same sister has actually suggested to me that I don't say anything about it and get a good toy to get comfortable with penetration. Now, I don't exactly want a man that I didn't feel I could be open with about that, but that's always an option, right? Perhaps if you have fears around being physically capable of sex you should try the process on your own in this way. They do have graduated toy sets that are used in sex therapy in order to help some women acclimate to different sizes when there has been an issue. So, since you have your own place it's something you may want to consider just to get over the hump of your fear.

 

Also, some men freak at the idea of an inexperienced woman because they have this notion that she will become clingy or expect marriage or they may waste months for nothing. Sometimes it has a lot more to do with the level of expectation they think you will have afterward, forever being remembered, and less with the actual act. That's not the kind of man you're looking for anyway. In the grand scheme of things, this is something that hopefully would be cherished or not considered a huge problem by the right man and mocked or misunderstood by a man who was either immature or didn't want to put the effort in/wasn't looking for the same things as you.

 

Keep your chin up!

[Mkn1010]

Todreaminblue said it so wonderfully!!

 

 

I also wanted to chime in and say that I lost my virginity at an age that was considered 'late' by society/my peers, however the man was very very kind about the process. And it just worked because we connected with mind, body and soul.. you will KNOW when you find this type of connection and only then will you fill comfortable and, in fact, want to badly go all the way

[preraph]

You earlier said you have had butterflies before, so you have the attraction when things are right. It sounds to me like (and I don't know why -- strict parents, shame associated with sex, or some trauma) like you have anxiety.

 

Have you considered seeing a doctor and letting them see if that could be it. Maybe some anti-anxiety med would make you more relaxed.

 

I mean, it's normal to not feel sexy just because a guy asks you out. You have to have attraction and connection. So don't punish yourself about that.

 

He was mean for saying that to you, so do NOT worry someone else will react that same way. But I would just have a conversation about this with a psychologist or a doctor, maybe a gyn. There might be something that would help. As you said, you're more willing to try when drunk. Well, anti-anxiety med wouldn't impair you but would calm you down overall. It wouldn't make you messed up or anything.

[Chilli]

Whether he's good enough well , yknow, if he had his own place and you just come back form os and were in school , would that mean you weren't good enough for him.?

Don't women want equality these days well , there's equality.

So forget that bit.

 

Somebody was saying love or feelings grow for women and l think that's def' true from a guys point of view from what l've seen. So maybe they might , maybe they might not.

But he sounds like a good bloke , so why not just enjoy , have some sex , grinning, and see what happens.

lf it doesn't work out at least you've had a relationship and some fun.

[Cali1978]

Thanks so much for the encouraging replies! To add a few things, my human is well gone I think! I have started using a toy and that's going well. I also am seeing a counsellor as I knew I could get low if I didn't watch my mind. She pretty much depressed me though saying I might be inrealistic to expect a man to be ok with this, that I could just say nothing until after the fact. However I just can't imagine doing it with someone and not telling them as I'm pretty sure it's going to be uncomfortable for me and also I'd like to be in a relationship that I can talk to my partner about anything. In some ways I wish I had gotten it over with with this guy. I think a lot of things have been demystified for me sexually and it doesn't seem the big deal I maybe made it in my head.

It's so difficult nowadays it feels to meet the right person. I'm not looking for perfection, just someone to have fun with, respects me and cares for me and has their life together some bit. This guy didn't have his stuff together and I think subconsciously I knew we weren't a fit so wasn't really feeling it. I think we both thought some chemistry was missing and thought sex would make our relationship work. But I don't know if that's really how it works?

[BaileyB]

As someone who found the love of my life later in life, I will tell you not to give up hope. When you find the right guy, it will not matter as much as you may think.

 

I also had sex later than many of my friends and I will say... I didn't tell him that I'd never had sex before but I did tell him that I didn't have much experience. He was fine with that and quite willing to take the lead. It also wasn't anything like what I thought it would be - not particularly painful or uncomfortable. So, don't be worried about that too much - as long as you are relaxed and ready, it will be fine.

 

You are not wrong to want to wait for someone special. I waited much longer than my friends and I'm sure that they (and sometimes myself) thought I was looking for perfection. I didn't find perfection, but I found someone that I adore who feels the same way about me. We do have fun together and I want to spend every moment I can with him... So, it is possible. Don't give up! Consider this, one more step closer to your goal...

Edited April 28, 2017 by BaileyB