Is my boyfriend losing interest in me?

[SamiSing]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for just about 7 months now. He's 29 and I'm 28. I've known him since I was 15. We both are very mutual in or feelings in that we love one another very much and have a really great friendship.

 

However, this last week he has been a little different. My boyfriend is the type of guy that would do anything for me if he can emotionally and has been there for me through a lot, vise versa. Last week, him and I spent 3 nights in a row together becuase it was Valentine's Day and then I stayed over becuase my work is closer to his place. He was happy with my company and we had a great time as usual. I left Friday at 6am and he told me he loved me and texted me throughout the day. We texted enough for me to know he was doing his thing with his buddy that night and I went and hung out with my friends. Saturday morning, I told him I was feeling bloated becuase I ate too much with my girlfriends and that I had to study all day. He suggested we go for a long walk or skating that evening and I told him that was a good idea. I texted him later on and said "umm so I was think we should hang out and do that soon!" And he texted back saying "I already made plans with Justin. I'm sorry our plans weren't confirmed" so I said ok that's fine I love you and have fun. I ended up seeing my friends instead. He still messaged me little messages like goodnight I love you so much etc and it was nice.

So then Sunday came he messaged me saying "hey baby sorry I felll asleep early last night, what's up?" I just responded normally and he told me the baby shower we were going to was just a diaper party and he made the mistake of thinking he could bring me but it's just for men. He said he was on his way there. I said that it was fine but he should have told me before ten minutes before he was leaving. It wasn't a big deal that I wasn't going but I was kind of getting this gut feeling that something was wrong.

So later on I said "I'm surprised we aren't seeing each other this weekend, I feel like I'm the one making the effort to see you lately" (I know but we usually do a least something together!)

And he messaged me saying "I need space. Respect that. And maybe let me come to you"

This messages shocked me! I was surprised that he just blatantly said this. I hadn't seen him for 3 days so I felt it was ok for me to say it. His response made me see that he must have not been making the effort because he just wanted space. I totally understand everyone needs their alone time and have space from people as I need it as well but I felt he was a little harsh. I let him know how he said it was harsh and that I felt hurt but understood his need for space. He said "you know that I need time to myself" and I responded by saying "of course, but I figured you had a couple days and the way you said it was hurtful"

He said "It's pretty simple. Sorry I'm not the "be with you every day" type". I was just surprised at what he was saying because it was unlike him, and it came off rude to me.

I then said "ok well it's kind of crappy that you seem to be bothered by me right now.. and I wait for you to come to me..? Ok.. am I not exciting to you anymore...?"

He replied "You excite me all the time. Every day. When I'm alone and I think about you"

Him saying that made me feel a little better at least and made me think ok he just wants to be alone right now I guess I'll just not say much more. I said "ok good to know" and that was it.

I haven't spoken to him since noon Sunday.

It's now Tuesday. I figured I would just wait until he texts or calls me first since he wanted the space and suggested to wait Til he comes to me. Well, I understand the need for space but it would be nice to get a "good morning I love you" or "thinking my about you hope you had a good day" or something but I got nothing since we last spoke. I'm not sure what's happening in his head right now but it's unusual that he doesn't seem to really care about how I'm doing or wanting to let me know he's thinking of me.

I'm feeling a little confused and it's really hard not to overthink before I'm going to sleep. I miss him! Even the little cute messages he sends me to let me know he thinks of me and tells me how he's doing. I'm sure he will message or call soon but is this normal behaviour? I don't really feel that I'm being respected. I don't think it's really nice of him to not message me at all and potentially worry about this. It's making me think he is losing interest.

I'm open to hearing what you think or maybe any advice you can give me! Thanks

Edited February 21, 2017 by SamiSing

[d0nnivain]

You spent 3 days together. Was that the longest you ever spent together? If so he probably did need a break.

 

 

He handled it badly & was rude but I don't think he's losing interest. Unfortunately, when you chose to address it then & there over text no less, you made a bad situation worse. He was overwhelmed by all the togetherness so in his mind you came across as clingy & needy which sent him farther away.

 

 

Do back off. See if he comes to you. I'd give it 'til Friday. Yes, that long.

 

 

If he doesn't plan a date, then you know that this relationship has problems. If he does come around, after you get a good date under your belt, do gently speak to him the next day about how his abruptness was hurtful but work past it.

[SamiSing]

Thank you for your reply,

 

It isn't the longest we have spent together but I found myself needing a day after that as well.

I agree that he was rude and that my text made the situation worse. I appreciate your insight and advice very much. I can certainly continue giving the space and waiting until Friday.

If he does come around, I'll speak with him gently the next day. Crossing fingers this will turn out alright.

Thank you!

[newheart]

I agree with D, but want to add - when/if you do speak about it - don't do it via text! Sit down and have a face to face if possible, but if not, at least pick up the phone. Text can leave too much to the imagination (tone, etc.) ... trust me, btdt! Good luck!

[SamiSing]

I agree! I actually dislike texting. It's so impersonal.

This will be discussed in person/on the phone.

THANKYOU!

[coolheadal]

Too much text is no shape, no form of any sort of relationship. Got to talk in person. If this guy doesn't want to talk in person then you tell him "I HAVE ENOUGH THIS CRAP WITH YOU" YOU WANT SPACE FINE! I AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU! GOODBYE

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with the above. I loathe texting! But love message boards

Edited February 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SamiSing]

Okay everyone,

 

So he finally messaged me today after two days of nothing and said "hey Sam, how are you?" (...... seriously that's it? Ok....well at least it's something)

And I replied an hour later. "I'm fine. Just with Danielle getting my grad pic done"

 

......

............

Nothing after that. No message back. He's been on Facebook but no message. He uses his phone for that, he has no computer.

 

Not sure why text me that then? I eventually called because I need to talk in person or on the phone and got his machine so I nicely and neutrally said" hey brad just calling to see if everything is okay and maybe we can talk about what's going on. Ok bye..."

 

Nothing. And he has been on Facebook all night.

 

Anyways, So I've been talking to my best friend who is also friends with him and knows a lot about our relationship and offers a lot of support and advice. Her and I think he must be depressed and in somewhat of a bad place and he can't really express that as much as I would. There's clearly something going on and I don't think it's me. I didn't deserve his abruptedness and I'm sure he knows it was rude but isn't just doing this for no reason. There is definitely something up and I can guess that becuase he has talked to me about him having some depressive months in the past and he's the type to just want to become a recluse when he's in that mood. So I'm thinking that's what going on and it sucks that I can't really support him or be here for him when he won't let me. This is jut a guess but I'm really thinking that's what it is. Let me know what you think! ... I am planning on just waiting and not pushing him because if he's depressed he may not be willing to talk and keep to himself.. what da you think about thIs?

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with you 100% something is up. Does your bf have a history of depression that you know of? Is he the kind that sort of isolates from you when something is stressing him unrelated to you? A lot of men are like this. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the concept of the "man cave" or put any weight in it what they recommend is similar to no contact. He told you he needs space. Who knows why? But the worst thing you can do in this case would be to come towards him when he's pulling away (texting, calling) As tempting as it is, it will feelsmothring to him and he'll want to be away even more. Please just wait this out and he will come to you if and when it is resolved.

[d0nnivain]

Alas I'm not sure he even understands that he's in the dog house.

 

 

I wouldn't wait all that long to talk to him but if he won't talk to you, then he's not leaving you with many choices.

[SamiSing]

My boyfriend has mentioned that he has had experiences of depression in the past and he even said he felt depressed the past few months. He says it's fine though and brushes it off every time. I told him he should try and see his doctor and keeps saying he will.

 

I do find he kind of isolates himself when he's stressed. Not a really good way to handle it but we're all different, right?

 

I definitely think he's in this little man cave situation now that I really think about it. I also tried to wait it out but his message made me think it would be okay to call him to find a time when we could sit down and talk but he didn't even reply to anything. I'll give that time.

 

I'm just going to wait it out until he says soemthing. Hopefully he will come around and will talk. This is unlike him and I really think he loves me very much. I hope he is okay at least. He is gernally such a well rounded, great guy who usually treats me like a princess. This is not him.

 

In the meantime, I will continue doing my thing. I am very busy with the end of my Nursing Degree and have a heavy courseload and dealing with that stress. I can't let this bring me down ..

Edited February 22, 2017 by SamiSing

[Cookiesandough]

In a few days it may be ok to reach out again with something lightI know it's so hard to be left in the dark like this with someone you love. This is completely unfair. But I think when in doubt, giving space to someone pulling away is best option. Stay strong.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SamiSing]

I appreciate your support and you sympathizing with me.

It's hard but I will stay strong!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, something is definitely wrong.

 

Even when a person needs space, there is an appropriate and respectful way to handle it. He isn't doing so. Give it a couple more days. You two need to talk, in person. If he won't do that, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

[GoldSparkz]

It's scary and annoying when guys do this. One minute they're all over you like a rash the next, it seems like you've woken up in the twilight zone and the loving boyfriend starts retreating into his cave!

 

In my experience, when guys retreat to their man cave, its because they don't understand their feelings and need space to comprehend what's going on in their brains. However, you mention this guy has issues with depression which is a big deal...and difficult to manage if he hasn't sought professional help.

 

My plan of action would be to pull away, give him the space he needs while letting him know that you're there if he needs anything. Then when he's ready to speak to you, encourage him to get help for his depression and then tread carefully. This guy may not be ready for a relationship. He needs to sort out his issues first otherwise, this won't be the first time he pulls away.

[d0nnivain]

If he's depressed he has no interest in anything. Confronting him will make things worse.

 

 

Invite yourself over & talk to him. Ask a lot of Qs about what he's feeling.

 

 

At this point he has no idea you are still upset about his rudeness the other day. Don't bash him over the head with it. But talk. Gently.

 

 

If you don't make the 1st move here, your resentment will build & you will end up killing the relationship while he will be left wondering what the heck happened.

[The_Dork_Lard]

One thing really jumped out at me in your post:

 

 

I don't really feel that I'm being respected.

Yet earlier in your post you shared this text: "I need space. Respect that. And maybe let me come to you"

 

Firstly, he implies he is potentially feeling disrespected. Concentrate on that message.

 

Secondly, I know his manner was blunt, but he did not beat around the bush. He told you in very certain terms. That is respect, and I only wish more people did this. That was the crux of all this, and that text right there needs to be respected if no others are.

 

My advice is to 100% back off and give him all the space he needs. Let him miss you. Let him come to you. He will, I promise. Then you will know he desires you. Presently, he may be feeling smothered, and may feel a latent obligation to be present everyday, and thus slightly resentful. That's a passion killer for sure. That could be regarded as dependency, and thinking of all our other types of relationships, we don't need good morning, or how's your day? from our parents, friends, or work colleagues. So I'm wondering why we feel a need for them from our partners.

 

I think Shakespeare hits the nail on the head in these first four lines of one of his sonnets.

 

So am I as the rich, whose blessed key

Can bring him to his sweet up-locked treasure,

The which he will not every hour survey,

For blunting the fine point of seldom pleasure.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend has mentioned that he has had experiences of depression in the past and he even said he felt depressed the past few months. He says it's fine though and brushes it off every time. I told him he should try and see his doctor and keeps saying he will.

 

I do find he kind of isolates himself when he's stressed. Not a really good way to handle it but we're all different, right?

 

I definitely think he's in this little man cave situation now that I really think about it. I also tried to wait it out but his message made me think it would be okay to call him to find a time when we could sit down and talk but he didn't even reply to anything. I'll give that time.

 

I'm just going to wait it out until he says soemthing. Hopefully he will come around and will talk. This is unlike him and I really think he loves me very much. I hope he is okay at least. He is gernally such a well rounded, great guy who usually treats me like a princess. This is not him.

 

In the meantime, I will continue doing my thing. I am very busy with the end of my Nursing Degree and have a heavy courseload and dealing with that stress. I can't let this bring me down ..

 

I do find he kind of isolates himself when he's stressed. Not a really good way to handle it but we're all different, right? -- Yes, we are all different, however, you want someone who doesn't do that. You don't adjust your needs to accommodate someone else. Yes, we all need a little space once in a while, but in a relationship that is strong, a partner does not cut out his or her SO altogether. They may need a day or so to regroup, think, etc., but they will maintain contact and share what's going on at least.

 

And, when someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. And, if they do this for an extended period of time (not more than a couple days) or often, they may find that they do not have a place to land their aircraft. If/when he reaches out, you can and should let him know how this makes you feel, in a calm, yet supportive way. He needs to understand that this kind of behavior negatively affects the relationship.

 

This is unlike him -- It is not unlike someone who suffers or claims to suffer from depression . . .

 

I am very busy with the end of my Nursing Degree and have a heavy courseload and dealing with that stress. I can't let this bring me down -- Perfect attitude. And, please not, that you have quite a load on your shoulders too and, yet, you are/have been keeping him in your 'loop' . . .

[VeveCakes]

Sounds to me like he met someone else. He's not breaking up in case t doesn't work out.

 

7 months together is long enough to not pussy foot around him. Space is one thing but ignoring you for days is another.

 

I suspect he's found someone else.

[hippychick3]

I have a strong suspicion that he was either with another woman over the weekend or he met another woman over the weekend, and he is now figuring out how to do a slow fade on you.

 

He didn't seem that depressed over the weekend. There is no acceptable reason for him to not talk to you at all for this many days. I would prepare to move on, OP.

[olivetree]

He was on FB all weekend.

 

I also think that something is up and it's not that he is depressed.

[Ieris]

So later on I said "I'm surprised we aren't seeing each other this weekend, I feel like I'm the one making the effort to see you lately" (I know but we usually do a least something together!)

 

Personally I don't think it has anything to do with his depression and think you wound him up with the message right here. He saw you 3 days in a row, last on Friday morning and he asked to go for a walk with you on Saturday but you didn't confirm. Then for you to send that message on Sunday? What do you mean he's not making any effort lately? He spent a lot of time with you during the week...

 

To be frank I'm not surprised he shot you down like that and I know others have advised you to talk about how you felt hurt with the way he spoke to you but I would advise against it as he may shoot you down again if he feels like you're having another moan. I would wait to see if he brings it up himself, he might apologize for the way he behaved so don't try to guilt trip him as it might backfire.

 

I hope you manage to work things out x

[vanhalenfan]

Sounds to me like he met someone else. He's not breaking up in case t doesn't work out.

 

7 months together is long enough to not pussy foot around him. Space is one thing but ignoring you for days is another.

 

I suspect he's found someone else.

 

This is my suspicion, too. I wasn't going to call it out just yet as no one else had until I saw Veve did already, so I'm jumping on this bandwagon. I'd put a bet on it that he met someone last weekend. I'm sorry