vandinha Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm looking for some advice. So, there's this guy (33) from work I (26) have been dating since June, we liked each other for a year before we started dating but I was in a relationship, so nothing happened. After a bad break up with my ex a year ago, we started seeing each other, when he thought I had moved on. We've been seeing each other every weekend ever since, sometimes I stay over during the week too. I got very close to him I told him a lot of personal stuff, actually quite before we started dating. Among this stuff, I spoke about my ex and how badly my heart was broken (big mistake in my opinion, because it made him a bit distant). Also, I've been including him in very personal situations, like changing jobs and moving away from my parents', and even coming with me to medical appointments. He's been very supportive. But the thing is, I don't know where we stand and I am too afraid to ask. We haven't said the L word yet and we haven't even had the exclusivity talk. I've reached the point in which I must know where we are (long ago, to be honest), but I've been bottling it up. I don't know how to bring it up without making him run away or looking clingy. I really like him and I have feelings for him, I want to make this serious. Is this still possible after almost 9 months of not-serious dating? I don't know what to expect or what the right approach is in these situations Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 9 months? you have waiting 9 months for the talk? Good lord.......... Just ask because it's long over due. If he runs, that just means he never had any intention of being in a committed relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Is this still possible after almost 9 months of not-serious dating? Are you sure you're dating? sounds like you two are just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I'm looking for some advice. So, there's this guy (33) from work I (26) have been dating since June, we liked each other for a year before we started dating but I was in a relationship, so nothing happened. After a bad break up with my ex a year ago, we started seeing each other, when he thought I had moved on. We've been seeing each other every weekend ever since, sometimes I stay over during the week too. I got very close to him I told him a lot of personal stuff, actually quite before we started dating. Among this stuff, I spoke about my ex and how badly my heart was broken (big mistake in my opinion, because it made him a bit distant). Also, I've been including him in very personal situations, like changing jobs and moving away from my parents', and even coming with me to medical appointments. He's been very supportive. But the thing is, I don't know where we stand and I am too afraid to ask. We haven't said the L word yet and we haven't even had the exclusivity talk. I've reached the point in which I must know where we are (long ago, to be honest), but I've been bottling it up. I don't know how to bring it up without making him run away or looking clingy. I really like him and I have feelings for him, I want to make this serious. Is this still possible after almost 9 months of not-serious dating? I don't know what to expect or what the right approach is in these situations 9 months?!?!????! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 nine months is a long time to not know the status of your relationship.I feel you should have the talk you don't have to make it deep .....just bite the bullet and say you would like to know how he feels the relationship is going and you feel it is going well and would like to make it official ...if the guy balks after nine months....its better you know now than later.....you need to know..so you can decide what you want to do to stay or to go...and have room in your life for the guy who wants to be serious with you.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
GoldSparkz Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 You need to find out where you stand a lot earlier than that, otherwise you run the risk of ending up in a FWB situation. If you have the 'talk' now, the guy will just run a mile because he is happy with the way things are now and never wanted anything serious otherwise HE would have been the one to question the status of the relationship. As you have been with him for 9 months, I would definitely sit down and have the talk to see if he's on the same page as you. But don't expect wedding bells any time soon (or ever with him). In future, don't be scared to check the status after at least 3 months. If he runs away, then fine as his feelings most likely won't change in 6 months. Your time is precious... don't waste it with the wrong people. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Something happen with you two and never thought about things after 9 months. Where you stand and what's going on? But you never said to us that you love him just like him. So that tells me you are not really in love with him. Just keep him around as comfort-zone. This is not a relationship it's just a matter of conference. Works out well for you both to keep talking and just hanging out with each other. You turned him into a wet blanket (clean to say it that word) there is another meaning but not clean. So that is why your asking these questions now because it just darn on you now what your having with him. Nothing happening.. He'e there in your life but as a friend close but that's about it. I've been in this situation as well trust me. So you gone from sort of relationship to another family friend who knows all your business been supportive and that's about it. Sure you can ask him what you have but if your not getting it now your not going to get anything else. Takes 2 also be affectionate and I am not reading that in the way your talking. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Oh Dear. I'm not going to give you grief about the 9 months. In the beginning this guy was more of a rebound that you admit or understand. There wasn't enough time between your interest in him, the end of your other relationship & starting up with him. The amount of time you have known somebody is only 1 factor in the depth of your relationship. In the beginning when you were crying on his shoulder about your EX you two certainly weren't serious. You now relying on him to go to medical appointments and change careers, that shows deepening. Is he reciprocating? Do you know about his medical things and his career aspirations? If you can't bring yourself to start the "what are we?" conversation at least deepen your understanding of him. Then you can have the conversation but at that point its coming from a place of strength because you have done all these things together -- you have been there for each other -- so it's less clingy. It's not only him being there for you because you needed him but you stepping up & being there for him. The reciprocity is important. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I'm looking for some advice. So, there's this guy (33) from work I (26) have been dating since June, we liked each other for a year before we started dating but I was in a relationship, so nothing happened. After a bad break up with my ex a year ago, we started seeing each other, when he thought I had moved on. We've been seeing each other every weekend ever since, sometimes I stay over during the week too. I got very close to him I told him a lot of personal stuff, actually quite before we started dating. Among this stuff, I spoke about my ex and how badly my heart was broken (big mistake in my opinion, because it made him a bit distant). Also, I've been including him in very personal situations, like changing jobs and moving away from my parents', and even coming with me to medical appointments. He's been very supportive. But the thing is, I don't know where we stand and I am too afraid to ask. We haven't said the L word yet and we haven't even had the exclusivity talk. I've reached the point in which I must know where we are (long ago, to be honest), but I've been bottling it up. I don't know how to bring it up without making him run away or looking clingy. I really like him and I have feelings for him, I want to make this serious. Is this still possible after almost 9 months of not-serious dating? I don't know what to expect or what the right approach is in these situations we haven't even had the exclusivity talk -- This conversation should have happened very shortly after you started being intimate with him. It wouldn't be about being boyfriend/girlfriend. It would be about a mutual decision to only see/be intimate with each other and adding another element for evaluating the potential for a committed relationship by focusing on each other. If you are sleeping with a man, you have the right and responsibility to yourself to get clarity at least about overall dating goals very early on in a dating scenario. Make sure you are both dating with the same goal in mind. You may not know at that point that you want a relationship with each other, but that you do have the same plan for yourselves. And, then you observe whether you are being dated that way. At this point it appears to be so, but don't assume. but I've been bottling it up -- If you don't get clarity, you will end up sabotaging the relationship anyway. Pent up anxiety and resentment come across in ways you don't even realize. I don't know how to bring it up without making him run away or looking clingy -- Seeking clarity does not cause a man to run away or make him change his attitude/response toward the situation. His response is what it is. Clingy? There is nothing clingy about getting clarity especially after 9 months. And, you don't ask a question. You make a statement for yourself about what your dating/life goals are and then let him talk. "You know, Xname, I have been enjoying the time we've spending together over the last 9 months. One of my goals in life is to have a long-term, committed relationship leading to marriage. I am not/have not been dating anyone else and have no intention/desire to do so." Talk to him . . . if you don't, you may be stringing yourself along for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
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