kurt315 Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 I have been dating this girl for over 4 years now and are both virgins waiting to be married, but have done everything except sex. Well, we have been dating long distance for almost 2 yrs (4hrs apart) but will be back in the same city in 4 months. She has recently stated that she wants to leave all physical activity besides just kissing until we are married. I believe that she has been influenced by some religious people where she currently lives, into feeling that this is what God wants for us, which is fine because I am religious also. However, I feel sexually frustrated which I never imagined could happen, but more importantly I feel like I can't express how I feel about her by just telling her, I want to express my feelings of love for her physically as well. When we just kiss, I like it but then it ends there and I feel even more sexually frustrated. We love eachother but having a long distance relationship and now not being able to do anything physically, I feel like my relationship is a joke, if you can even call it a relationship. Also, I feel a little rejected by the fact that she doesn't want to do anything more than just kiss me. I have never EVER been driven by hooking up with her, but I just don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
jp79 Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 To me, it sounds like there are deeper problems than sex (or lack thereof). Maybe the long distance has just eaten through the relationship, and the lack of sex is just a convenient thing to blame it on. How often do you see her now? Do you still feel close to her? Do you trust her? Confide in her? Or is that gone? As far as sex is concerned, you're position is a bit odd to me. Have you always wanted it, or is this just a very recent development? I mean, you make it sound at the beginning of your post like you're glad you are still a virgin, and you mention that you're religious and you therefore respect and understand her position on this issue.... but still you want sex. There just seems to be a conflict within you now. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 My advice depends on your ages. If you are 21+, and both mature, and positive that you want to get married to each other, AND that you are both willing and able to sustain a marital relationship by meeting each other's needs (please google "marriage builders"), then, the clear answer is to...GET MARRIED! As the Bible tells you, better to marry than burn. You are a young adult male and your sex drive is powerful. It affects your emotions, and that is why you feel so alone and alienated. Your whole body and mind is craving the physical closeness you can't have. That physical closeness, in the right circumstances, also builds powerful emotional connections that are very satisfying. The alternative is to be a man and just tough it out, or possibly talk your gf into a different policy (don't hold your breath - she'll feel pressured and it may cause some arguments). Link to post Share on other sites
Author kurt315 Posted April 23, 2005 Author Share Posted April 23, 2005 We have never had sex and I still do not want to. BUT, now she does not want to do anything but kiss, which causes the sexual frustration, I don't want to have sex at all, just want to do other things that we used to do. I am 24 and she is 25. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
jp79 Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 I think I'm starting to understand what your problem is... I just had to let my imagination roam a bit because I had difficulty understanding what there could be between kissing and sex... we probably just have a different definition of sex. Anyway, there are a couple of possibilities I see. First, maybe she's just moved onto a different stage in her life. I have a friend who fooled around a bit when he was younger, but at some point decided that he didn't want to do that anymore. Basically, he was tired of bachelourhood, and wanted to settle down. Obviously, this doesn't apply directly to your situation because you have been together with your girlfriend for a long time. But maybe there are some parallels here for her. I would be really interested to know if your girlfriend is thinking more and more about marriage than she used to. A second possibility might be that she simply does not have the same feelings for you that she used to, and doesn't want to pursue the relationship. I hope this is not the case, and honestly, I don't think it is (at least, from the little I know of your relationship ). The thing that really bothers me is that you see the relationship as a "joke" now. Is it a joke because of the physical stuff only? If that's it, then I would suggest to you that you have to seriously reappraise everything. I mean, after 4 years, are you telling me the relationship is meaningless because you can't mess around with her like you used to? This is why I wrote that maybe there are other deeper issues you need to deal with, like whether you actually have feelings for her anymore. Sometimes this is hard to do when you have been together so long. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hi Kurt, I understood your original post. I know that you are not asking for intercourse, but other things only - like touching, oral sex????? Whatever. The point is, she does not want to do that now with you. I think you should ask her exactly what is going on. The "joke" feeling is definitely a big problem. Frustration is one thing, but saying that the r/s is a "joke" implies a deep level of alienation and pointlessness. Well, you have a LDR with minimal physical affection. So what DO the two of you do that builds connection between you and allows you to meet each other's most important emotional needs? Do you both know what the needs of the other person are? And why can't you marry? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kurt315 Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 She says that God doesn't want her to do things like this anymore, and I can respect that but I don't understand it. The fact that I don't understand it makes me think that there is something wrong with me, and that coupled with the long distance relationship possibly leaves me with the feeling of no connection whatsoever. Can't marry because we have had a long distance relationship for so long and haven't lived together in such a long time. I am also currently in dental school. Hope this helps and thanks for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
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