How to get rid of his buddy?

[Hopeful30]

A few weeks ago, a friend of my boyfriend needed a place to stay. His wife kicked him out, and of course we wouldn't let him sleep hungry and cold in his car, so my boyfriend welcomed him into his home. I took a spare mattress, made him a comfy bed, cooked a warm meal with whatever we had left in the fridge, and since then he has been living in this apartment like his own -- doing laundry, cooking our food. Just like he's at home.

 

This friend is not only an incredibly difficult person, but he has been making both of our lives a living hell. Since he is struggling financially (as are we), he has been using up our resources without repleneshing them, and this is causing problems.

 

He drives my boyfriends car like a lunatic, and rarely fils up on gas. This leaves me and my boyfriend unable to attend important appointments (and sometimes me to school) because we don't even have scrap change for gas (let alone public transport). When we ask him to help out, he says he would love to, but literally doesn't have the cash (he isn't lying, this is true).

 

We scrape the bottom of the barrel to feed ourselves, and I don't see him trying to find a job or even working on the issues with his wife so he can go home. He knew we were already struggling financially before, but now it's like we have a third person on our backs.

 

My boyfriend has asked him several times if he has found a new place to stay, and his friend's response is "I'm working on it". I don't know what he does during the day, so I can't say whether or not this statement is true. On purpose or not, this friend of his has done nothing but make our lives difficult.

 

Can you suggest anything to send him on his way? I've missed numerous classes because he was 'late' to pick me up in my boyfriends car because he had 'things to do'. I'm sorry, but when people open their home to you, the least you can do is try not to be a burden. Am I wrong?

[MrBojangles]

It sounds like you've both been very nice to this guy, and he has been taking full advantage of your kindness, to the detriment of your finances / home life quality. People like this guy just don't get it, so you and your boyfriend are going to have to ask him to leave.

 

Were I in your position, I would point out all of his abuses of your kindness you've detailed here, then then tell him to GTFO! If he doesn't have money to replace the gas in the car, then he should not be driving it. If he doesn't have the money to replace the food he eats, then he should not be eating it.

 

As long as you and your boyfriend are subsidizing this guy, he's not going to put forth the effort to improve his situation in a timely manner. I've dealt with these types before, and I've had to evict them from my home before.

 

My mother used to tell us, "You just can't help some people", and this guy sounds like one of those types of people.

 

This free-loader may cause a strain between you and your boyfriend if he's allowed to stay. He would be gone today, if it were me.

[M_D90]

You need to check your local laws. It's very possible that he's been living there long enough to establish "residency", whether or not you let him stay there as a guest or a renter. If this is the case and he knows the law, he can civilly sue you for an illegal eviction if you force him out.

 

Check your local laws and depending on what they say, my guess is if he won't leave, you'll have to legally evict him.

[Hopeful30]

It sounds like you've both been very nice to this guy, and he has been taking full advantage of your kindness, to the detriment of your finances / home life quality. People like this guy just don't get it, so you and your boyfriend are going to have to ask him to leave.

 

Were I in your position, I would point out all of his abuses of your kindness you've detailed here, then then tell him to GTFO! If he doesn't have money to replace the gas in the car, then he should not be driving it. If he doesn't have the money to replace the food he eats, then he should not be eating it.

 

As long as you and your boyfriend are subsidizing this guy, he's not going to put forth the effort to improve his situation in a timely manner. I've dealt with these types before, and I've had to evict them from my home before.

 

My mother used to tell us, "You just can't help some people", and this guy sounds like one of those types of people.

 

This free-loader may cause a strain between you and your boyfriend if he's allowed to stay. He would be gone today, if it were me.

 

Let's say for instance my boyfriend tells him, "You need to go." His friend would probably respond with "Where?"

 

My boyfriend is a very kind person, to the point where he has been used in the past. I understand him, because if we evict him, we are basically putting him on the streets, and my boyfriend won't feel good about himself if he were to do that.

 

I agree though, people should be able to pull their own weight. I suppose it's up to my boyfriend to draw the line and say "look, you need to get going as soon as possible because you are making our lives difficult." Not sure he can go through with that though, but I will talk to him.

 

Thank you for this advice. You're right, some people just can't be helped. I hate being taken advantage of just because we are good people. I've noticed that this is my boyfriend's weak spot though. He feels obligated to help others even though he complains it's detrimental to his own well being. I guess it's a personal life lesson he's going to have learn.

[LookAtThisPOst]

A few weeks ago, a friend of my boyfriend needed a place to stay. His wife kicked him out, and of course we wouldn't let him sleep hungry and cold in his car, so my boyfriend welcomed him into his home. I took a spare mattress, made him a comfy bed, cooked a warm meal with whatever we had left in the fridge, and since then he has been living in this apartment like his own -- doing laundry, cooking our food. Just like he's at home.

 

This friend is not only an incredibly difficult person, but he has been making both of our lives a living hell. Since he is struggling financially (as are we), he has been using up our resources without repleneshing them, and this is causing problems.

 

He drives my boyfriends car like a lunatic, and rarely fils up on gas. This leaves me and my boyfriend unable to attend important appointments (and sometimes me to school) because we don't even have scrap change for gas (let alone public transport). When we ask him to help out, he says he would love to, but literally doesn't have the cash (he isn't lying, this is true).

 

We scrape the bottom of the barrel to feed ourselves, and I don't see him trying to find a job or even working on the issues with his wife so he can go home. He knew we were already struggling financially before, but now it's like we have a third person on our backs.

 

My boyfriend has asked him several times if he has found a new place to stay, and his friend's response is "I'm working on it". I don't know what he does during the day, so I can't say whether or not this statement is true. On purpose or not, this friend of his has done nothing but make our lives difficult.

 

Can you suggest anything to send him on his way? I've missed numerous classes because he was 'late' to pick me up in my boyfriends car because he had 'things to do'. I'm sorry, but when people open their home to you, the least you can do is try not to be a burden. Am I wrong?

 

I was wondering, why is it that it's always "the wife" that does the kicking out...if she wants him him gone, why can't she find a hotel or something?

 

Is the guy whipped or something?

[Hopeful30]

I was wondering, why is it that it's always "the wife" that does the kicking out...if she wants him him gone, why can't she find a hotel or something?

 

Is the guy whipped or something?

 

Well for starters, we are Eastern European, and in our culture, what the woman says, goes. As well, they have a child together, so it makes sense that he would leave and the child would continue her stable home life. It would be far more disruptive to their family if the mother and child had to leave. They would struggle far more not being at home than a guy who has it easier to crash on a buddies couch.

 

Just my two cents. Also, since he is the breadwinner, he would have to pay for the hotel. And since he doesn't have money, that's not exactly an option lol

[Redhead14]

A few weeks ago, a friend of my boyfriend needed a place to stay. His wife kicked him out, and of course we wouldn't let him sleep hungry and cold in his car, so my boyfriend welcomed him into his home. I took a spare mattress, made him a comfy bed, cooked a warm meal with whatever we had left in the fridge, and since then he has been living in this apartment like his own -- doing laundry, cooking our food. Just like he's at home.

 

This friend is not only an incredibly difficult person, but he has been making both of our lives a living hell. Since he is struggling financially (as are we), he has been using up our resources without repleneshing them, and this is causing problems.

 

He drives my boyfriends car like a lunatic, and rarely fils up on gas. This leaves me and my boyfriend unable to attend important appointments (and sometimes me to school) because we don't even have scrap change for gas (let alone public transport). When we ask him to help out, he says he would love to, but literally doesn't have the cash (he isn't lying, this is true).

 

We scrape the bottom of the barrel to feed ourselves, and I don't see him trying to find a job or even working on the issues with his wife so he can go home. He knew we were already struggling financially before, but now it's like we have a third person on our backs.

 

My boyfriend has asked him several times if he has found a new place to stay, and his friend's response is "I'm working on it". I don't know what he does during the day, so I can't say whether or not this statement is true. On purpose or not, this friend of his has done nothing but make our lives difficult.

 

Can you suggest anything to send him on his way? I've missed numerous classes because he was 'late' to pick me up in my boyfriends car because he had 'things to do'. I'm sorry, but when people open their home to you, the least you can do is try not to be a burden. Am I wrong?

 

Yes, your boyfriend tells his friend that while he is sympathetic and supportive of his plight, the situation is very disruptive to your lives. He then tells him that he must find another place to live by Xdate and as the date approaches, his friend must be packing and making plans to support himself more effectively. If there is no evidence of this effort, ask him to leave sooner.

 

the least you can do is try not to be a burden. -- It is clear that this guy doesn't understand/respect your boundaries/support. So, you two need to enforce your own boundaries. Being nice and being a doormat and compromising your life/lifestyle/relationship are different things. A hand up that is being treated as a handout isn't helping anyone.

 

Your boyfriend/you are not this guys parents and even parents shouldn't be treated this way.

[ExpatInItaly]

Send him back home to his wife.

 

Their marital problems are not your problem to bear the brunt of.

 

You are your boyfriend both need to stop enabling him. I realize you're trying to be kind, but it's no longer helping him. Tell him he has until *insert date* to find alternate accommodations. Yes, you both need to put your foot down.

 

Don't ask him to leave. Tell him to leave.

[enddeck]

Rather than just throw him out,give him two or three days notice to leave.Tell him today he has to be out by Sunday at the latest and do not accept any excuses.He is a freeloader and the longer he stays the harder it will be to get rid of him.

[clia]

Your boyfriend needs to tell him he has to be out by X date and to put it in writing. End of story. I have no idea of landlord/tenant laws where you live, but you should look into that to see how much notice he needs to provide, since the guy has been staying there several weeks. If the friend refuses to leave on that date, you call the cops, and you have your proof in writing that he was to move out.

 

Regarding the car, take the keys away from him. Why is your boyfriend letting him drive his car like a lunatic? Stop enabling the behavior. Put all non-perishable food you buy in your bedroom, where he can't get to it. Keep the laundry detergent where he can't get it. Etc.... As long as you keep enabling his behavior, he will have no reason to leave.

 

Anyone who acts like this is not a friend. This guy is a leech.

[Hopeful30]

This is actually great advice! I can't believe I never thought of it.

 

You guys are absolutely right. We need to give him a heads up and hold to our word. That way we aren't just kicking him out rudely, but are giving him prewarning and some time to get his act together. That sounds noble and also very mature.

 

I've never been in this situation so this simple solution never came to mind. Thank you guys!

[Gaeta]

How he got your bf's car keys! I'd take those away from him and I'd stop buying groceries and empty my fridge. If you make it not welcoming he will leave.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

You owe this guy nothing. He has overstayed his welcome it is time for him to go. I am in AZ and we have a law out here that allows a Landlord to kick out a squatter. He is a squatter and at this point I would not care about doing anything legally. He needs to go.

 

 

I would tell him he has 2 weeks to find another place to live. In fact I would make sure he does not have a key or anything if he does take it from him so he cannot make copies.

 

 

It is nothing short of ridiculous your BF lets him use his car. Take the keys and tell this guy he has 2 weeks to go. By day 14 is he is not gone the police will be called to escort him and all of his stuff is going outside. The friendship is probably over but who cares. This guy is a bum.

[GunslingerRoland]

If him and his wife can't afford for them to live in two separate places, then they will have to deal with being separated in the same house.

 

If he doesn't work, how exactly is this situation going to change?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well for starters, we are Eastern European, and in our culture, what the woman says, goes. As well, they have a child together, so it makes sense that he would leave and the child would continue her stable home life. It would be far more disruptive to their family if the mother and child had to leave. They would struggle far more not being at home than a guy who has it easier to crash on a buddies couch.

 

Just my two cents. Also, since he is the breadwinner, he would have to pay for the hotel. And since he doesn't have money, that's not exactly an option lol

 

Why couldn't he keep the kid at home, and have the wife leave?

[kendahke]

so my boyfriend welcomed him into his home.

 

He has abused your hospitality because your boyfriend is letting him abuse it.

 

The moment dude speaks up and says something messed up to you is going to be the test of whether or not your boyfriend has a spine. He's letting another man take charge of his home and that's not good.

[kendahke]

You guys are absolutely right. We need to give him a heads up and hold to our word. That way we aren't just kicking him out rudely, but are giving him prewarning and some time to get his act together. That sounds noble and also very mature.

 

Stop being nice!!!!!!!! You are being insulted in your own home and you're worried about remaining friends with the guy who is insulting you two?

 

You can be noble, mature and still be firm and unyielding. He needs to be out by the end of the month, which is tuesday. No ifs, ands or buts about it. No. Gone. Locks will be changed and he doesn't get a key. He needs to go work out his problems with his wife instead of running to others and freeloading off of them.

[preraph]

I don't understand why your boyfriend hasn't had a talk with him or just addressed all these problems as they arose. For example, "Hey, man, you made us late to an appointment and didn't put gas in the car! WTF?" Then you stop lending him the car if he doesn't straighten up. This is on your bf and instead of waiting until it's a huge blowup , he should be calling him out on everything as it happens. He should tell him, "Hey, that sandwich stuff is all she and I have to eat, so don't eat it."

[basil67]

Why couldn't he keep the kid at home, and have the wife leave?

 

You think a guy who can't look after himself could look after a child? I wouldn't trust him to look after a dog.

Edited January 26, 2017 by basil67

[preraph]

To those who would throw the guy out and not care, although I do believe he should be living by house rules and actively looking for work or a place to live, I wouldn't kick someone out right away who may still be reeling from being kicked out by the mother of his child. This guy may not even be thinking right or able to make decisions right now. Depression can do that. But that's why you make suggestions and give him a timeline and draw boundaries and not let him mess up your own life. In case he's not able to think straight.

 

Also, like most people, he's probably not doing anything because he is hoping she lets him come home.

 

So maybe a sly phone call to her to see where her head's at would give you some more info and it also might be a way to find out from her IF he has some other friend or relative he could live with until he's on his feet. Most people's mothers won't turn them away, just sayin.

[RecentChange]

You know, people like this end up with "no place to go" because often they have burned every bridge. He sounds like a totally inconsiderate user, I would be BEYOND livid.

 

Does he not have any other family? No other friends? Oh right - he probably pissed them off to the point that they no better than to help him. You said he is a very difficult person - well - he chooses to be difficult, and now he has to live with those consequences.

 

Its times like this, that I have NO problem being the assertive B***. There have been times that my husband, like you BF didn't want to "turn" on a friend, but knew it had to be done - and thats when I don't mind doing it - not MY friend after all.

 

Me? This situation (well first, I wouldn't have let it go this far), I would use my "big voice" and tell dirt bag:

 

Dirt Bag, we have let you stay here for x weeks, and I can't have my home and finances in upheaval any longer. You have until tomorrow afternoon to GET OUT. If you are not gone by then, I will call the authorities. I have enough of this crap, you are not eating our food, or using our car for another moment.

 

Jesus - I am pissed off just reading about this. Helping people is one thing, being a doormat for a user is TOTALLY different.

[Hopeful30]

It's true, my bf can be spineless. I've had some talks with him though and he's realizing more and more that I'm being reasonable (not surprising of course). This man no longer uses our car, and we have been eating separately and not in front of him (you can't deliberately eat in front of someone who is hungry, that's just mean).

 

So maybe a sly phone call to her to see where her head's at would give you some more info and it also might be a way to find out from her IF he has some other friend or relative he could live with until he's on his feet. Most people's mothers won't turn them away, just sayin.

 

Oohhh no. The last thing we want is to get more involved in this guy's life, plus it's not our place to meddle in his relationship. I'm not responsible for this guy and won't be putting any energy or effort into sorting his sh*t out for him. We've been more than helpful.