Am I wasting my time?

[MajesticUnicorn]

I need some honest advice. I don't know if I have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overreacting and being clingy. It's been around a year since I've been in a serious relationship, so I am still trying to figure this whole thing out.

 

A brief background...we started out as friends with benefits, out of my choosing.

 

I recently graduated from college and I thought I would be moving soon for a new job, so I have not wanted to get into anything serious. As it turns out, I was offered a pretty great job in the city I currently live, and where I met him. He is finishing up his senior year of college, which I think may be where part of the problem (in my mind) lies.

 

Things were pretty good while we were friends with benefits, we would see each other a few times a week, everything was casual and fun. He always wanted to initiate dates and hanging out more frequently, but I kept my distance. After my plans for my future became more clear, and I realized I was keeping myself from getting serious with him out of fear, not because of lack of feelings, we decided to make things more serious between us, and enter a monogamous relationship.

 

This all happened before he left for winter break, in which he studied abroad for a few weeks. Even though we were thousands of miles, the communication was at an all time high and he had never made me feel so special or so appreciated. We were counting down the days till he came back so we could finally go on a real date.

 

When we finally met up again, things were great. We went on a date and it exceeded my expectations. This was all before classes started back up for him. Since then, things have kind of been on the downward spiral. He is taking 20 credit hours, and working part time on top of that. I have a full time job, so I understand being busy during the day.

 

It seems like he never has time for me anymore. I understand he is busy with school and I want to support and encourage him, it's just hard because last semester we saw each other multiple times throughout the week, no problem. Now it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to give me a compliment or ask me about me and my life. It's always one sided conversations now, me asking him about his day, classes, work, trying to encourage him, and receiving nothing in return. The only time he tells me how he cares for me is when I am upset and voice my issues to him. And he will never see me during the week.

 

I've told him, I don't care if hanging out means you studying while I do something else. It's just the quality time spent together that is lacking and I feel like I am missing. We will see each other Friday night and Saturday night, and that's about it for us because he works during the day on Saturday and Sunday.

 

When he's not in class or working, he's studying so he doesn't have time to call me or text me. And believe me, I get that. But then he'll say he's going to bed by 9pm and that's where I get frustrated. He can't even work in a phone call at the end of the night if he's going to be going to sleep that early? I mean I get that, I work 8-5 everyday so I am normally in bed, asleep by 10 or 11. But 8 or 9pm regularly seems a bit odd to me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I struggle because I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad, because I know he has enough stress going on as it is. I know that a big part of this problem is that he's in college and I'm not, but if we could just make it through these last few months, I feel like things will be fine.

 

Am I being too clingy or obsessive? I don't know. I don't know how often you are supposed to see your significant other during the week or how often you should talk during the day.

[smackie9]

It was like one or two times a week when you were casual.....go back to casual, keep your options open.

[MajesticUnicorn]

It was like one or two times a week when you were casual.....go back to casual, keep your options open.

 

That's kind of what I was thinking too...

 

I have communicated with him that I feel like I need more attention than what he is giving me, and he said he is going to work on it. I think if it doesn't improve this week I will tell him I think we need to go back to being casual again.

[Lorenza]

I don't understand. What is the point in going back to "casual" and not just dumping a guy who's not invested anymore? Do you really believe that he will give you more attention? He won't. I've tried that. Go back to fwb and he'll only realize how little he has to do to keep you around. What you have right now IS casual, but probably just for him.

[preraph]

He may never have terminated any other casual relationships he has and now be having to make excuses. Or he is taking you for granted now.

[Jj66]

I need some honest advice. I don't know if I have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overreacting and being clingy. It's been around a year since I've been in a serious relationship, so I am still trying to figure this whole thing out.

 

A brief background...we started out as friends with benefits, out of my choosing.

 

I recently graduated from college and I thought I would be moving soon for a new job, so I have not wanted to get into anything serious. As it turns out, I was offered a pretty great job in the city I currently live, and where I met him. He is finishing up his senior year of college, which I think may be where part of the problem (in my mind) lies.

 

Things were pretty good while we were friends with benefits, we would see each other a few times a week, everything was casual and fun. He always wanted to initiate dates and hanging out more frequently, but I kept my distance. After my plans for my future became more clear, and I realized I was keeping myself from getting serious with him out of fear, not because of lack of feelings, we decided to make things more serious between us, and enter a monogamous relationship.

 

This all happened before he left for winter break, in which he studied abroad for a few weeks. Even though we were thousands of miles, the communication was at an all time high and he had never made me feel so special or so appreciated. We were counting down the days till he came back so we could finally go on a real date.

 

When we finally met up again, things were great. We went on a date and it exceeded my expectations. This was all before classes started back up for him. Since then, things have kind of been on the downward spiral. He is taking 20 credit hours, and working part time on top of that. I have a full time job, so I understand being busy during the day.

 

It seems like he never has time for me anymore. I understand he is busy with school and I want to support and encourage him, it's just hard because last semester we saw each other multiple times throughout the week, no problem. Now it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to give me a compliment or ask me about me and my life. It's always one sided conversations now, me asking him about his day, classes, work, trying to encourage him, and receiving nothing in return. The only time he tells me how he cares for me is when I am upset and voice my issues to him. And he will never see me during the week.

 

I've told him, I don't care if hanging out means you studying while I do something else. It's just the quality time spent together that is lacking and I feel like I am missing. We will see each other Friday night and Saturday night, and that's about it for us because he works during the day on Saturday and Sunday.

 

When he's not in class or working, he's studying so he doesn't have time to call me or text me. And believe me, I get that. But then he'll say he's going to bed by 9pm and that's where I get frustrated. He can't even work in a phone call at the end of the night if he's going to be going to sleep that early? I mean I get that, I work 8-5 everyday so I am normally in bed, asleep by 10 or 11. But 8 or 9pm regularly seems a bit odd to me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I struggle because I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad, because I know he has enough stress going on as it is. I know that a big part of this problem is that he's in college and I'm not, but if we could just make it through these last few months, I feel like things will be fine.

 

Am I being too clingy or obsessive? I don't know. I don't know how often you are supposed to see your significant other during the week or how often you should talk during the day.

 

My gf and I have regular (monthly) relationship talks that we started somewhere around month 4. We talk about where we are, how we are feeling about things, and if there are any course corrections that need to be made. This provides a forum to talk about our wants and needs without seeming or feeling needy.

 

My gf is almost always working, especially at the beginning and end of the academic year: doing research, conferencing with her peers, writing papers to submit to for journals, lecturing at university, grading papers and exams, etc. It's a morning until night type of job. She doesn't text me before she goes to bed. She's usually in bed by 9-9:30 and asleep by 10 or 10:30 at the latest. It used to hurt my feelings that she didn't text goodnight or good morning and I'd have felt needy bringing it up. I now know that she falls asleep while working on her laptop in bed. She gets up a lot earlier than I do and wouldn't text me good morning because she was afraid of waking me up.

 

As a course correction form one of our relationship talks we agreed to a compromise. I text her goodnight when I go to bed. She is probably already asleep. She texts me good morning before I am usually awake. In this way we are both waking up to a sweet text from the other.

 

We haven't had many course corrections. They have all been in the area of communication and frequency of seeing each other. In one talk we agreed to switch to whatsapp for our texting since occasionally text messages would not be delivered or double delivered. Text is hard enough even when all the messages are going through. In another talk we agreed how to handle the good morning/goodnight issue. And in the third course correction we have come up with a workable plan to see each other more despit our busy schedules.

 

The relationship discussions have also brought to light occasional differences in where we perceive the relationship going. In the beginning, I was more serious about us than she was. She'd pull away a little bit. And then come back toward us. And then pull away a little bit again. It didn't go unnoticed but I resisted the urge to chase and also resisted the urge to mirror her and back away. I was steady as she goes. I wanted a life with her. But if she just wanted to have fun while it lasted because she feared commitment then that was ok too. I didn't chase her and make her feel oppressed or try to circumscribe her life in a box of my design. I wanted a life with her not on my terms and not on hers but on mutually agreeable terms. If we couldn't agree, then so be it. Not every love, even deep love, has to be permanent. It doesn't make it without value.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Jj66

[MajesticUnicorn]

Thank you all for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

 

We had another conversation about it last night, and I think things are moving in the right direction again.

 

I've told him I need more quality time with him during the week, even if that means me reading a book next to him while he does his homework. He's agreed that he will make more effort to prioritize me and our time together.

 

He's been really stressed with classes and having a part time job on top of it all. But he just told me that he will be putting in his two week's notice at his job which should clear up a lot more of his time and allow him to focus more on his studies and give us more time to spend together.

 

As far as the trust thing goes...he does a pretty good job of reassuring me when I have my doubts about his loyalty. He says that I can look through his phone at any time because he doesn't have anything to hide, and he struggles to find time for just me let alone another girl on the side. I don't want to go down that road of checking his phone, but should it come to that I am glad that he offered.

 

Overall, I feel a lot better now that we had a good conversation about it and he better listened to my needs as well as communicated his. Now I am just going to see if he is all talk or if he follows through with his word.

[sarahhparker1]

There are always period like this when other stuff will stress him a lot. Get used to it, its something normal.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Yeah I think you are right. Part of the issue I think for me is that with my last serious relationship, we never communicated, so we would just pretend like everything was fine and dandy all the time. We never argued. So I think it's just different for me to be in a relationship where things do get stressful at times and we will argue and bicker.

[kendahke]

It sounds like he's demoted you back down to FWB.

 

Stop chasing him and see if he's arsed to contact you... you will know soon enough by how much time he allows to go by if you're at least in the top 5 on his priority list.

I've told him I need more quality time with him during the week, even if that means me reading a book next to him while he does his homework. He's agreed that he will make more effort to prioritize me and our time together.

 

He's been really stressed with classes and having a part time job on top of it all. But he just told me that he will be putting in his two week's notice at his job which should clear up a lot more of his time and allow him to focus more on his studies and give us more time to spend together.

 

Keep your eye on this ball. If he has offered a solution, that's fine, but follow through and consistency are going to be what sinks or floats this. Pretty words and promises are one thing: actually doing it and making this the first thing he reaches for is another.

Edited January 25, 2017 by kendahke

[MajesticUnicorn]

A little update...things got better for a bit, but have pretty much returned to the way they were. Limited contact, conversations we do have lacking any content other than small talk, not seeing each other very often.

 

I've become very disconnected and apathetic towards it, because I'm realizing I don't think that it is worth the trouble. In this relationship I have found myself getting upset easier than I normally do, and the constant arguing and me asking for him to see me is tiring.

 

I think he's noticed too....he still contacts me everyday, and will double text me when I take longer to reply. I know the conversation about "us" will probably be coming soon.

[preraph]

Just tell him you're not a good match, that it doesn't make you happy.

[Larryville]

Am I wasting my time?

 

Almost always when a thread starts with this subject line, yes… yes you are wasting your time.

 

Do what you gotta do to be happy! NEVER waste time!

[CaliforniaGirl]

It sounds like you wanted more than the FWB more than he wanted it, and he tried anyway (probably to continue the sex...sorry...or I'm assuming?) but he fizzled back to what he really wanted: just occasionally doing it.

 

I have yet to hear of a "FWB" (or a FB) situation where one person didn't end up wanting more, in some way. I have heard people claim they had, from their side, a just-fine FWB situation but then when it's described it always sounds like while THEY were fine, the other person wasn't...or whatever the case may be.

 

I think the whole FWB thing (and definitely the whole FB thing) are "ideas" that sound great but just aren't realistic for most people.

 

I wouldn't start out as a FWB next time. I just wouldn't. It's relationship potential...or forget it. Because somebody's going to get hurt.

 

I would move on entirely from this guy. Keep looking.