Ghosted? Again?

[lillian39530]

Hey guys,

 

I've been dating this great guy since two months now. It's been incredible since the beginning - great connection, same tastes in many things, always lots of things to say to each other, same kind of humor, etc.

 

He's working on night shifts 4 days of week and I have a regular 9 to 5 schedule, but we've always managed to see each other about one or two times a week, and kept in touch by texts messages everyday (not excessively though, which I prefer, maybe 2 or 3 max texts everyday).

 

Since the beginning, we could not stop telling ourselves how we felt like we've known each other since many years, how this was weird but nice, he couldn't stop saying how he found me pretty and nice and etc.

 

He went home for the holidays (he's originally from a small town 150 KM from the big city where we live), and we only managed to see each other on December 30 late at night. We had an amazing time, and next morning was great too, he was cuddly and flattering the whole time as usual.

 

I however had a weird feeling when I left. But I had bad experiences in the past so I must not rely on this, because I'm a bit paranoid.

 

I was a bit crushed when he didn't text me Happy New Year on January 1st at midnight, but he texted on the January 2nd, and asked me how went my NYE and etc. He was then away to a cottage for quality-time with his mother. We kept in touch but the length of time between his answers started growing. I decided not to worry.

 

He came back to the city, but with his night shifts again. We continued to exchange text messages (not long and very sporadically, but he still asks me questions everytime).

 

As I assumed he had off Sunday, Monday and Tuesday this week, I asked him if we could see each other on Sunday. He reply not long after that he had to work on Sunday, and that he had a busy week ahead but that he would keep me posted. He added an inside joke at the end of this so I was comforted, even though a little crushed. I replied : "Ok! Well let me know if ever you get free sometimes in January 2017" with a cute smiley face. This was Saturday and we're MONDAY and I have NO ANSWER.

 

I stalked him on Tinder and it says he's at the exact same distance that where his parents live since yesterday. Why would he lie to me ?? Why isn't he answering my message? I have this feeling I'm being ghosted / or he had a family urgency that he doesn't feel comfortable telling me about. But I hate making excuses for guys... I'm SO worried, I can't even eat properly. I realize that I am now super attached to him and I really miss him. It's the first time we spend 48 hours without giving each other news...I thought it was going so well!!! What do you guys think of his behavior? Is it too early to worry? Then when should I start?

[olivetree]

I'd put money on him having reunited with an ex or someone he has history with in his hometown.

Or an altogether new person in his hometown.

Now he is spending his time with her.

 

Trust your gut.

He is doing the slow fade on you.

[dumbass2]

Could there be an ex that lives nearby where his parents do?

[stillafool]

He has ghosted, I'm sorry.

[lillian39530]

Could there be an ex that lives nearby where his parents do?

 

I really don't think so! And he's been single for a really long time.

He's at his parents's place because with google map I can see it's the same numbers of KM than with a picture he sent me on Christmas Day.

[BlueRidgeMT]

You know..I think the gist of all these : 'Has he ghosted' 'does he like me' threads..etc..etc...is if you have to ask, then that means the person is not into you. I just had to deal with that reality finally.

 

People who are truly into you, you will know it. And their behavior wont leave you questioning anything, and you wont have to ask.

[Pill]

You know..I think the gist of all these : 'Has he ghosted' 'does he like me' threads..etc..etc...is if you have to ask, then that means the person is not into you. I just had to deal with that reality finally.

 

People who are truly into you, you will know it. And their behavior wont leave you questioning anything, and you wont have to ask.

I don't think it's this simple. There are levels to dating, sometimes you don't immediately go into the infatuation stage where the man feels the need to reach out daily. It's okay to be casual until both people decide they want to start hassling each other.

 

Most of the women on this forum focus so much on the man's actions they're not thinking about how their own actions are coming across.

[Grey40]

Once again, everyone on here always just says "move on" "it's over" "not interested" "you have been ghosted". And I think most do say that way too quickly without even giving thought.

 

I think every scenario is quite different. Yes, on the surface it looks like he is moving on and yes usually your gut is right. But, nothing is 100% accurate. If you can't just move on and forget him or wait a few more days for him to reach out then there's nothing wrong with just being upfront with him about it. Why waste valuable time of your life worrying and crying wondering? I would just call him up or text him and ask him what the deal is. Worst case scenario is he lies to you to keep you around or he tells you the truth. And you'll have closure. When people are put on the spot, they will show their true colors.

 

He many not admit to you he's seeing someone else or that he's no longer interested, but you'll know based on his answer whether he is or not. If he doesn't have a legitimate excuse or reason for dropping off contact or being busy, then you have your answer. But don't wait on this, nip it in the bud.

[winny]

Statistically, most people dump others just before or during holidays so no wonder we see so many ghosting threads these days.

 

OP - Keep your interest level below his. If his text has 5 words yours should have 2. If he replies have 1 hr you reply after 2.

Ghost him before he ghosts u! The work BS once again. People need to get bit more creative

[winny]

Once again, everyone on here always just says "move on" "it's over" "not interested" "you have been ghosted". And I think most do say that way too quickly without even giving thought.

 

I think every scenario is quite different. Yes, on the surface it looks like he is moving on and yes usually your gut is right. But, nothing is 100% accurate. If you can't just move on and forget him or wait a few more days for him to reach out then there's nothing wrong with just being upfront with him about it. Why waste valuable time of your life worrying and crying wondering? I would just call him up or text him and ask him what the deal is. Worst case scenario is he lies to you to keep you around or he tells you the truth. And you'll have closure. When people are put on the spot, they will show their true colors.

 

He many not admit to you he's seeing someone else or that he's no longer interested, but you'll know based on his answer whether he is or not. If he doesn't have a legitimate excuse or reason for dropping off contact or being busy, then you have your answer. But don't wait on this, nip it in the bud.

 

We know this because we have been thru it and seen too many threads and walked thru them day n night with the posters trying to help them.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I get why you're freaking out. Silence paired with lack of explanation will have that psychological effect on just about anyone.

 

But really the only choice you have is to give it some time before the picture becomes more clear. Either something weird or serious is going on with him that's affected his responsiveness, or you're correct that he's ghosting.

 

If it's the former, he will explain himself eventually. It's not necessarily fair that he hasn't already, but maybe he has some valid reasons or his priorities are elsewhere right now. And if he is indeed ghosting, that will become obvious after a few more days of sustained silence.

 

I know that it's torture to wait, but try your best to reign in your emotions. Keep the online stalking at bay and don't leap to assumptions. Also hold yourself back from hitting him with any follow-up texts. You've already made it clear that you're still interested and hoping for a response.

[Tressugar]

Wow! Another ghosting thread! This is truly sad.

[winny]

Wow! Another ghosting thread! This is truly sad.

 

Yeah just too many... Unfortunate..

[Redhead14]

There are more "he ended things"/broke up threads, although, maybe ghosting is getting more common. But, the results are the same in both scenarios -- the dumpee starts m'fing themselves, spinning, wondering, getting into the dumper's head, etc. The bottom line is the same -- they just aren't interested. Everything else is a waste of emotional energy/time especially if it was early in the scenario. My point is, it doesn't matter how "it" happens, it still sucks. Poison is poison. People want to choose the poison they think is the least painful or the quickest . . . in the end, they still die from the poison. People may think that a talk or "closure" is a quicker death. But, it isn't, they suffer just as long in either scenario. Even when they have a talk, they get answers/explanations, and leave the scenario with more questions, wondering, don't accept the explanations, spinning it, etc. -- "he's afraid to love me . . . ", "she was lying when she said . . . I know she loves me but . . . "

 

Break up talk -- ghosting = same outcome.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Redhead14

[VeveCakes]

I think Tinder only updates when you used it last, so maybe he used it when he was at home and not since he has been back.

 

2 months is still pretty new. I think you should just leave it be and see if comes around.

 

I think all these ghosting threads are just avoidant types....they cycle in and out of short term relationships constantly because they can't get close. They come on super strong and then either fade or ghost when things get real.

[smackie9]

Never concern yourself as to "why" they ghost...just be concerned why you keep wasting your time hoping they will come around. When you stay available to them, you are rewarding their behavior. Stop it, don't tolerate it. Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

[Gaeta]

Once again, everyone on here always just says "move on" "it's over" "not interested" "you have been ghosted". And I think most do say that way too quickly without even giving thought.

 

And 99% of the time we are right.

 

I have been on here since Feb 2014, that's a big 3 years. We have stories like that almost on daily basis. Except for the occasional 'phone broke - out of range - mom at hospital' none of those stories have a happy ending.

 

Under 2 months dating it's extremely common for someone to ghost unfortunately. I'd say it's less common for 3 + month dating but there is no guarantee, I was ghosted on at 6 months dating.

[Redhead14]

It doesn't matter if they are avoidant types, etc. If there was an emotional connection, they would care about "how" they left a dating scenario. If they ghost, they simply don't care -- avoidant or not.

[Standard-Fare]

It doesn't matter if they are avoidant types, etc. If there was an emotional connection, they would care about "how" they left a dating scenario. If they ghost, they simply don't care -- avoidant or not.

 

I agree that two months of dating warrants some kind of communication, even a short text, to end things. Ghosting there is a sign of cowardice and weak character.

 

Unless those two months were super casual, with 2-3 sporadic dates and no guise of monogamy.

 

Ghosting is only acceptable when it's actually the more sensible way of ending things. For example, two people who aren't all that into each other who fade out as the texting dwindles. Or after one bad date, ghosting can sometimes be a softer rejection than "I don't think we're a match."

[VeveCakes]

It doesn't matter if they are avoidant types, etc. If there was an emotional connection, they would care about "how" they left a dating scenario. If they ghost, they simply don't care -- avoidant or not.

 

Yes it does matter....because you can learn to avoid these types in the future. Also, avoidant types do care, it's not that they don't. They do want to be in a relationship, but it is basically engrained in them to push people away and keep them at a distance. They have a pattern of coming on strong, and then walking away or dragging things on for a long time. Some avoidants even get married, but the relationship is always one sided and the partner is left feeling unfulfilled. It is not that they don't care. Some people ghost because they are just chicken ****. Simple as that.

[Saracena]

Most of the women on this forum focus so much on the man's actions they're not thinking about how their own actions are coming across.

 

I actually agree with you to some extent here on LS. I believe we need to ask a few more questions before making judgements, jumping to conclusions etc etc Perhaps more input from the male posters then?

 

Of course, we rarely ever hear from ghosters themselves and those threads I recall were ones where someone either felt used, taken for granted or someone was messing them around. Whether true or not at least that was their perception.I believe (from personal experience and that of others I've known) that ppl ghost from all sorts of reasons-it's not strictly limited to losing interest/attraction per se! I agree in most cases it's because the ghoster invariably dislikes confrontation, whatever the underlying reason.

[Gaeta]

Most of the women on this forum focus so much on the man's actions they're not thinking about how their own actions are coming across.

 

Pill dear, I met almost 200 men over the years and I have never once ghosted on any of them. No matter their behavior toward me, no matter their issues, no matter how arrogant or cligny they had been with me I ALWAYS send them a message that I didn't wish to pursue any further and wished them luck.

 

Unless this man had to take a restraining order again OP there is nothing justifying ghosting. It's an act of cowardliness.

[Sara1989]

Pill dear, I met almost 200 men over the years and I have never once ghosted on any of them. No matter their behavior toward me, no matter their issues, no matter how arrogant or cligny they had been with me I ALWAYS send them a message that I didn't wish to pursue any further and wished them luck.

 

Unless this man had to take a restraining order again OP there is nothing justifying ghosting. It's an act of cowardliness.

 

I agree, I think it is disgusting the amount of guys who think it is ok to ghost.

 

I been ghosted on after a 6 week 'relationship' I tried phoning/texting and even contacted him on his dating profile:eek: but nothing, he was such a coward he could not even send a text saying it was over.

 

They think they are being kind by doing the fade, but all it does it carry on the misery for much longer.

[VeveCakes]

Pill dear, I met almost 200 men over the years and I have never once ghosted on any of them. No matter their behavior toward me, no matter their issues, no matter how arrogant or cligny they had been with me I ALWAYS send them a message that I didn't wish to pursue any further and wished them luck.

 

Unless this man had to take a restraining order again OP there is nothing justifying ghosting. It's an act of cowardliness.

 

Agreed %100

[lillian39530]

I think Tinder only updates when you used it last, so maybe he used it when he was at home and not since he has been back.

 

2 months is still pretty new. I think you should just leave it be and see if comes around.

 

I think all these ghosting threads are just avoidant types....they cycle in and out of short term relationships constantly because they can't get close. They come on super strong and then either fade or ghost when things get real.

 

Yes you are right about Tinder - I guess he must have logged in during Christmas Time when he was there - which isn't it a super good sign, that we agree.

 

I'm so disappointed because it's the second time it happens to me in very short amount of time. And this guy was completely different from the guy who ghosted me this summer. My new guys was older, had a condo, a car, a stable job, had no intention to leave the country for extended period of time, was a bit nerdy, was in love with his nieces and nephews and was making dad's jokes all the time, I wasn't even fond of him at the beginning because he looked too mature. Jeez was I wrong.