Extremely quiet man?

[JennaDT]

Hi guys,

 

 

I've been going out with a man for about 3 months now and we have incredible chemistry. He's very affectionate when we're together and showers me with hugs and kisses, but his communication skills are (or seem to be) terrible :/. When we go out to dinner for instance, he barely says anything so in order to avoid awkward silences, I try to keep the conversation going. He, on the other hand, seems to be just fine staring at me with loving eyes, holding my hand between courses or kissing me.

 

Two weeks ago, he was on vacation for a week to visit relatives and I barely heard from him. When I texted him (three days after he left) to ask how things were going, he replied that the vacation was great and that he missed me etc. So, when I initiate the conversation, he replies, but it doesn't seem to occur to him to text me.

 

On one of our first dates, he did tell me that he wasn't a very talkative person, but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't be this bad :/. Based on his actions, it's clear that he's very into me, but I'm really starting to get the idea that I'll never be able to really get to know him on a deeper level. Maybe he just needs more time to open up to me, but the lack of communication starts to look like a lack of interest in me as a person...

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences or words of advice? I'd like to talk to him about this, but I'm afraid he might feel cornered and withdraw from me completely :/. We don't have the same native language so that also complicates communication greatly, unfortunately.

 

TIA, Jen

[Cookiesandough]

I did date a guy like this. He was cute,nice, but soooo boring. Lacked social skills, I think. He told me was an awkward introvert. Unfortunately, when the initial attraction wears off, you're left with personality and I wanted someone who could make me laugh or at least could carry a conversation. ,

 

 

But you've been dating 3 months... and he still hasn't let you in???? something really fishy there. Even with an introvert, you should see some opening up. .

Edited October 24, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[mikeylo]

You might have to be the one to initiate for a long time. You either like the quiet people or you don't. He could be more observant and speaks only when necessary. Over time you will decide yourself.

[scooby-philly]

Hi guys,

 

 

I've been going out with a man for about 3 months now and we have incredible chemistry. He's very affectionate when we're together and showers me with hugs and kisses, but his communication skills are (or seem to be) terrible :/.

So....first thing first - are his communication skills terrible or does he simply not talk as much as you like? A lot of my advice - and any other decent advice you could receive her - depends on how you answer that. Believe it or not - even in today's world there are people out there who don't talk a lot. So the first question is when he does talk - is it bad? Does he miss obvious social cues/times when he should talk and doesn't - like does he avoid talking when talking would make it easier to accomplish something - like when entering a restaurant and trying to get a table - or if he's in a store and can't find what he's looking for? There's a big difference between being quiet and being socially awkward. Yes, some people can also be quiet and be unsociable - but they're not "awkward".

 

When we go out to dinner for instance, he barely says anything so in order to avoid awkward silences, I try to keep the conversation going. He, on the other hand, seems to be just fine staring at me with loving eyes, holding my hand between courses or kissing me.And this is a problem how? I'm serious. Now, not to scare you - you do need to figure out if he's crazy to a certain extant but there's nothing wrong with enjoying each other's company. One poster already responded about how personality is all that there is left after the initial attraction wears out - I know several couples with 20, 30, 50 years of marriage under their belt - and they don't talk a ton all the time. So the real question to ask yourself is....1. Why are you bothered by it? 2. If you're still bothered by it what do you tell him and how? I mean, men aren't mind readers. Particularly with something like this - it's 3 months so by now if you're still seeing him, he's not going to assume that you have a problem with his personality unless you tell hime.

 

Two weeks ago, he was on vacation for a week to visit relatives and I barely heard from him. When I texted him (three days after he left) to ask how things were going, he replied that the vacation was great and that he missed me etc. So, when I initiate the conversation, he replies, but it doesn't seem to occur to him to text me. Some people, both men and women, aren't into texting, some aren't into calling, etc. Again, if you find something bothering you, you have to tell him. He may have never realized that most people would communicate at that point.

 

On one of our first dates, he did tell me that he wasn't a very talkative person, but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't be this bad :/. Based on his actions, it's clear that he's very into me, but I'm really starting to get the idea that I'll never be able to really get to know him on a deeper level. Maybe he just needs more time to open up to me, but the lack of communication starts to look like a lack of interest in me as a person...Separate those thoughts into three distinct questions to resolve. 1 Yes, he likes you. Done. 2. You'll never get to know him on a deeper level. Trust me, actions speak louder than words. If you want an autobiography or a philosophical rant - maybe you should ask him. 3. That's the one area I agree with on. Not that silence means he's not interested, but he may not have been raised to realize that or there may be something else going on. However, again, some people are quiet and just are that way.

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences or words of advice? I'd like to talk to him about this, but I'm afraid he might feel cornered and withdraw from me completely :/. We don't have the same native language so that also complicates communication greatly, unfortunately. Again - no one knows there's a problem unless someone states there's a problem. It's not like you're both standing on the shore watching the tsunami roll in where it's obvious to everyone. You can take the initiative to inquire, to ask, and to let your feelings out yourself or perhaps YOU'RE not that interested in him.

 

TIA, Jen

 

Lastly - I'll say - no matter what happens from this experience - it sounds like an opportunity to learn about yourself and to learn how to communicate your needs effectively as much as anything.

[mortensorchid]

I am wary of a man like this. He may be a silent person in general, but if he does not communicate things with you in general he is a bad bf. He may have all that you are looking for as well, but communication is key to anything. Best of luck.

[Els]

IME even the most 'quiet' people will open up if the two of you are compatible. My guy is the kind of person who could sit around with a group and be the quietest person present - but we can and have talked for hours.

 

I don't think you guys are compatible, OP.

[elaine567]

We don't have the same native language so that also complicates communication greatly, unfortunately.

 

I am guessing that his command of your language isn't that great and so he gets away with "loving" gestures and a superficial understanding of the language. I am sure he functions pretty well. I guess he is able to order steak and do the basics, but conversing with you about other more advanced topics may be a step too far for him.

He covers up his lack of language skills by staring at you meaningfully, holding your hand and kissing you.

Fine if you are happy with a "puppy", but not so great if you want a real relationship.

[smackie9]

I'm gonna go with not compatible because of the language barrier. Myself, I love stimulating conversation, and if a guy I was dating was of a few words I would next him. I need a man to be a man and initiate, not hold his hand through every social situation.

 

But it's just my take on it......you don't have to listen to any of us lol.

 

You want to work at it let him know what you are doing, ...make a request to work with you on it.

[Zapbasket]

There's "quiet," meaning the volume of one's words is less than most people.

 

Then there's "quiet," meaning, "socially awkward," as another poster pointed out.

 

And then there's "quiet," meaning, "poor communication skills."

 

And lastly, there's "quiet," meaning one has learned that holding back makes people want them more, i.e., it puts them in control. Here, "quiet" is a manipulation tactic.

 

The latter two are untenable for a healthy relationship. Social awkwardness can be okay so long as you don't feel you have to turn into his mother, helping smooth his way through social interactions (I'd have no patience for this).

 

The first type of "quiet" mentioned here can be quite lovely when it only means the person chooses his words carefully and is comfortable in his skin and with you and others. But sometimes, people are quiet because they don't have much interesting to say.

 

You have to suss out what kind of "quiet" this guy exhibits. It's also highly possible, as Elaine567 suggests, that he's quiet because he doesn't know your language well enough to effectively express himself in it. If so, obviously he'll improve leaps and bounds if he's in a relationship with you, but that might take more patience and overlooking of other incompatibilities to really be worthwhile.

[hestheone66]

I must say a lot of the worries you expressed are those I held. My guy was so shy and quiet and in social situations I felt awkward with him.. however, I realized they were my feelings.

 

He was accustomed to silent observation in social settings. This has made him wise and a great counter to my restlessness. I enjoy his quiet ways as calming and solid. He is a great listener and never forgets anything. However I did address the fact after about 10 months if he didn't open up more I'd leave as I knew he was capable if great depth. I'm glad he tried. As we've progressed (nearly 5 years), he has become quite relaxed in the company of my friends and through me has become more socially confident.

 

In turn he has taught me that silence need not feel awkward, and real intimacy can be gained through deep longing looks. We don't live together and I still get a lot of my needs for conversation met with other friends. He's not possessive nor sulky, just quiet and grounded.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is if there is attraction and he's a good person, just allow him time to feel safe. If you think you're not compatible, you will focus on negatives...

[GunslingerRoland]

As a quiet guy, I will stand up for my kind and say we can make very good relationship partners. In general women are the more talkative ones in relationships in the first place. But that being said, even as a quiet guy, I can still make people laugh and have a personality that shows through, even if I don't say a whole lot.

 

You'll have to decide for yourself if it's something you can deal with or not...

[JennaDT]

Thanks for your input :-).

 

He's not socially awkward; he actually comes across as quite confident. He also talks about his job from time to time, but he seems to want to avoid meaningful or personal conversations :/. Whenever I ask him questions, his replies are usually quite short and he also doesn't seem very interested in what I have to say. He does tell me often that he's crazy about me and he's also very affectionate towards me (also when we're out in public, so he's not hiding me or anything). We went on five dates before we had our first kiss because we both didn't want to rush into anything. And he pretty much always pays for everything (cultural difference that I was certainly not used to), so I guess that means that he's willing to invest in the relationship.

 

When I saw him again for the first time after he came back from vacation, he told me the vacation was nice but would have been nicer if I had been there, and that maybe next time I could join him. So meeting the family seems to indicate that he's quite serious about this relationship. But then again, most of the time when I hear from him or when we talk it's either about factual stuff (like 'what time are we meeting up?') or it has some kind of sexual connotation to it.

 

I wanted to bring up that last part yesterday when I was at his place, but it never seemed the right time. Now I'm thinking about sending him a text message telling him how some of his actions/words make me feel. I know it's not very personal, but it does give both of us time to process things and to formulate things the way we intend them to come across (due to the language issues). I'm quite sure it's not just about sex for him, but his awkward communication skills sometimes do make me feel like it is.

[elaine567]

I think it may be language, he doesn't appear to listen as he is not sure what you actually said. His replies are short as his command of the language is poor.

He communicates in a factual way as that is what people do when they do not know the language, he can communicate sexually as that is less about what he says and more about what he does, his body language.

I guess texting apart from factual stuff, is a step too far as he could quite easily say the wrong thing. Even native speakers can get it all wrong in a text.

In order to communicate effectively relationship-wise in a foreign language, a person needs to know that language inside out.

He would need to know the nuances, the right things to say, the right words in the right contexts, otherwise he could muck it up, so I guess he chooses to skim over all that, and now he comes across as quiet and a bit shallow.

 

Observe him with other people that speak his language, if he is quiet and shy then he may just be a quiet and shy guy but if he is the life and soul I guess language is the problem, or it may just be a cultural thing.

Some cultures do not rate women that highly, so he may deliberately keep all communication with women on a superficial/sexual level, he doesn't listen to you, as your opinion he feels is not needed or relevant.

Something to think about maybe?

[strawberryshortstack]

Hi guys,

 

 

I've been going out with a man for about 3 months now and we have incredible chemistry. He's very affectionate when we're together and showers me with hugs and kisses, but his communication skills are (or seem to be) terrible :/. When we go out to dinner for instance, he barely says anything so in order to avoid awkward silences, I try to keep the conversation going. He, on the other hand, seems to be just fine staring at me with loving eyes, holding my hand between courses or kissing me.

 

Two weeks ago, he was on vacation for a week to visit relatives and I barely heard from him. When I texted him (three days after he left) to ask how things were going, he replied that the vacation was great and that he missed me etc. So, when I initiate the conversation, he replies, but it doesn't seem to occur to him to text me.

 

On one of our first dates, he did tell me that he wasn't a very talkative person, but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't be this bad :/. Based on his actions, it's clear that he's very into me, but I'm really starting to get the idea that I'll never be able to really get to know him on a deeper level. Maybe he just needs more time to open up to me, but the lack of communication starts to look like a lack of interest in me as a person...

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences or words of advice? I'd like to talk to him about this, but I'm afraid he might feel cornered and withdraw from me completely :/. We don't have the same native language so that also complicates communication greatly, unfortunately.

 

TIA, Jen

 

I don't have a similar experience, exactly, but I am on the other side of this situation. I'm the quiet one, he's the talkative one. It's pretty much always been this way for me, and most guys don't stick around long enough for me to truly open up. The best advice I can give is this: if you see something behind the quiet demeanor, give him time. Not infinite amounts, but give him a bit longer. Make him feel comfortable with you, make him feel appreciated.

[GravityMan]

Most quiet people tend to become pretty conversational...if they're around the RIGHT person/people and in the right environment(s). I.E. their comfort zone. And furthermore, their desire to talk and interact will come naturally when in proper situations. Some of them may even have an awesome and funny personality under the surface. Humans are social creatures by default...so if a person is very quiet, there's a reason why and there's a good chance that the reason is problematic. When in the wrong situation (outside of their comfort zone), quiet people are quiet, often because they're uncomfortable and keep their guard up.

 

Even laconic people (i.e. not shy or socially uncomfortable...just a "man of few words") tend to open up more in certain situations.

 

Talkative people tend to be comfortable socially whether they're in their comfort zone or not.

 

I don't get the impression that your boyfriend is a bad person, OP. But, you two do seem incompatible...not just because of his lack of conversation, but also because of your cultural differences. Maybe he grew up in a "detached" or "aloof" environment where distance, infrequent contact, cynicism and limited socializing (and overly literal conversations) are the norm from his POV.

[Moves Like Jagger]

The guy that OP is dating reminds me of a lot of guys who struggle with dating. You encounter them pretty frequently. They don't have much to say. They don't offer any opinions. There is no variation in facial expressions and vocal tonality. They're really robotic.

 

I was thinking of Greencove's reply. Here is my own classification.

 

There is 1) The strong, silent type. These guys are pretty quiet. They talk when necessary. However, they have good social skills. They know how to be fun and supportive around their close friends. These guys know how to charm women. For them, they can switch back and forth between quiet guy to Mr. Charm. I know this quiet guy who is married to this beautiful, outgoing wife.

 

2) You then have the average guy. They have good social skills. They tell jokes and take care of their looks. However, you never see them with a date or a girlfriend. These guys don't have much luck in dating because they're really passive.

 

3) You have the shy guy. He is a good guy, but he is too quiet. He doesn't offer any opinions. The guy just has this stoic-looking face as he never shows any emotion through his face or voice. This guy is socially awkward. Having conversation with him is like watching paint dry. "What did you do last weekend?" "Nothing."

 

4) Lower than the shy guy is the living in his mother's basement guy because he has major social deficits. He still lives with his parents because he can't take care of himself. The guy can't hold a real job. In order to avoid the stigma of being an unemployed loser, he has some "sham" job of doing errands for family and friends. Mommy still prepares his meals and washes his clothes.

 

I'm afraid OP's guy is 3) and possible 4).

 

OP, I also don't think you're really compatible with the guy. If you decide to break it off, please let him know why so that he can correct his mistakes the next time he dates a woman. There are a lot of guys who spend a lot of time and money on therapists and dating coaches because they realize that their "quiet" behavior is building a wall that prevents them from connecting with other people. It's kind of sad when you see a lot of smart but shy guys not able to experience the joys of marriage and children because they're too quiet. If your guy doesn't fix his personality flaws, he might become one of those bitter, whiny guys who blames women for his dating problems.

 

I also have to say that if guys started modeling themselves after OP's guy, they will become perpetually involuntary celibate.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Moves Like Jagger
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