Something that happenened 12 years ago

[Snotty]

I have been dating a girl for approximately three months now. We have a lot in common and have had great conversations about a lot of topics. I thought everything was great until this evening. We were discussing things and she asked me a question about my past. I told her I didn't want to answer it and her reply was why you told me everything else. So I told her. It was in reference to a woman I was with that was 20 years younger than me. She was 19, and I was 39. now she thinks it was disgusting what I did. When I left to give her a kiss she backed up and wouldn't let me touch her. We've always talked about things but tonight was different. She truly look at me with disgust. This was an incident that happened in over 12 years ago.

For the life of me I'm not sure what to do now. I didnt even know her then. Do i wait for her to reach out to me?

[Toodaloo]

Nothing you can do.

 

Leave her be and wait for her to come back to you.

 

If she doesn't I am afraid that is that and if she does then she will just have to accept it.

[salparadise]

Yes. If she insists on being this judgmental it does not bode well. You can't undo the past, and you can't change her interpretation. You didn't do anything immoral, and you didn't do anything to hurt her. She is over the line. Don't accept the shaming crap, don't apologize, and don't chase. It's likely that someone who is predisposed to reacting this way will always find excuses to judge and be unhappy. Let her drop it and come back to you with an apology, or let her go. This is her problem.

[elaine567]

She thought you chasing girls 20 years younger than you disgusting, so I doubt she will change her opinion of you.

It doesn't really matter the timescale, you are no longer the man she thought you were, so she has backed off from you.

 

Women who are the same age as you will not really like that sort of thing, as

a) She may have a daughter(s) Can she trust you around them or will you be lusting after her kids or their friends?

b) She will be insecure being around a man whose "preference" is for very much younger women.

 

Women all know older men hanker after young women, but you actually went there, so I guess a huge red flag for her.

[salparadise]

Women who are the same age as you will not really like that sort of thing, as

a) She may have a daughter(s) Can she trust you around them or will you be lusting after her kids or their friends?

b) She will be insecure being around a man whose "preference" is for very much younger women.

 

c) She will be insecure that you are a sexual being, and other women have vaginas.

[elaine567]

c) She will be insecure that you are a sexual being, and other women have vaginas.

 

NO that is unfair to her.

She seemed to be happy enough dating him before she found out he had dated a 19yo at the age of 39.

[xxoo]

I don't see why you wouldn't contact her. You had a conflict; talk it out. Ask her what made her upset about that experience in your past.

 

As a parent, it would give me pause. I really would not feel safe bringing a man around the teens in my life if I knew that he had dated a teenager as an adult.

[Gaeta]

I am also a mother of a young woman and if my 49 year BF old told me 12 years ago he was bangning a 19 year old that would change my opinion of him instantly. I would view him as a dirty old man with no boundaries and ready to put his d8ck in a teen girl. Like above poster said that would make me feel unaesy to bring him around my daughter and nieces.

[Snotty]

She has no daughters, and it was a one time thing. Yes, poor judgement on my part, regardless of the reason why, so you all feel free to judge me.

Im not some dirty old man that chased young women.

 

 

The part that bothers me the most is i went to give her a kiss and a hug, and she backed off. I walked out of her house, she followed me. I tried again, and she backed off again, like i had the plague or something.

[Toodaloo]

She has no daughters, and it was a one time thing. Yes, poor judgement on my part, regardless of the reason why, so you all feel free to judge me.

Im not some dirty old man that chased young women.

 

 

The part that bothers me the most is i went to give her a kiss and a hug, and she backed off. I walked out of her house, she followed me. I tried again, and she backed off again, like i had the plague or something.

 

I think you need to let her go. I have an ex that is much older than me. Same age as my parents in fact...

 

Some can accept these things some can't.

[Gaeta]

She has no daughters, and it was a one time thing. Yes, poor judgement on my part, regardless of the reason why, so you all feel free to judge me.

Im not some dirty old man that chased young women.

 

 

The part that bothers me the most is i went to give her a kiss and a hug, and she backed off. I walked out of her house, she followed me. I tried again, and she backed off again, like i had the plague or something.

 

I know you disagree on being a dirt old man and all but it does not change the fact if some women on here viewed you that way chances are she viewed you that way as well, right? If not how would you explain her cold behavior?

 

She got turned off, we all agree to that. You'd like to know why she got turned off and some of us have explained a possible reason.

[Gaeta]

She has no daughters, and it was a one time thing. Yes, poor judgement on my part, regardless of the reason why, so you all feel free to judge me.

Im not some dirty old man that chased young women.

 

Out of curiosity why did you need to tell her that story? I have had sex with a man 20 years younger before meeting my BF and I will NEVER bring that up to my almost 50 yo boyfriend. Those are excess details that never need to be brought up.

[elaine567]

In another thread a UK 30 something yo woman is having an affair with a 16 yo, to the general consensus of "Ugh!"

Even though 16 is perfectly legal in the UK.

 

The age gap here is approximately the same, so is it any wonder that this woman similarly went "Ugh!".

 

How would you honestly feel if she was the one doing the confessing?

A 39 yo woman with a 19 yo boy?

Ok, you can have a laugh about her being a "cougar" but if she actually went there...What would your perception be of her then?

[Satu]

Everybody has a right to privacy.

 

It's an important and fundamental human right.

 

We are free to choose what we wish to share with others, and what we don't wish to share.

 

Just to make a distinction between private things and toxic secrets:

 

A toxic secret is the withholding of information that somebody needs to know, because it effects them directly, and has consequences for them.

 

I think you should have put this 12 year old event into the private category, because it doesn't directly effect anyone, other than yourself and the girl concerned.

 

Some will disagree with my position on this.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

In another thread a UK 30 something yo woman is having an affair with a 16 yo, to the general consensus of "Ugh!"

Even though 16 is perfectly legal in the UK.

 

The age gap here is approximately the same, so is it any wonder that this woman similarly went "Ugh!".

 

How would you honestly feel if she was the one doing the confessing?

A 39 yo woman with a 19 yo boy?

Ok, you can have a laugh about her being a "cougar" but if she actually went there...What would your perception be of her then?

 

I accept what you're saying.

 

The difference between this situation and the affair with the 16 year old, is that the affair with the 16 year old is happening now, and causing pain to the husband, whilst what the OP did happened 12 years ago.

 

I do think thats significant.

[elaine567]

I think you should have put this 12 year old event into the private category, because it doesn't directly effect anyone, other than yourself and the girl concerned.

 

Yes.

The only reason for sharing would be if this young woman is still in your circle of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues... and that your dalliance was not something that you could keep hidden indefinitely.

[xxoo]

 

 

The part that bothers me the most is i went to give her a kiss and a hug, and she backed off. I walked out of her house, she followed me. I tried again, and she backed off again, like i had the plague or something.

 

Ok, that hurt. One interpretation is that she needed some space to process this. If that is a short time, and she is open to conversation the next day, is that unacceptable to you?

[salparadise]

She has no daughters, and it was a one time thing. Yes, poor judgement on my part, regardless of the reason why, so you all feel free to judge me. Im not some dirty old man that chased young women.

 

Don't acquiesce the righteous and judgmental who posture as arbiters of your morality. That's just nuts. If they don't like it fine––opinions are like ass-holes, everybody has one. Twenty year age gap relationships (or hookups) aren't uncommon, and you didn't break any laws.

[xxoo]

Twenty year age gap relationships (or hookups) aren't uncommon, and you didn't break any laws.

 

While this is true, how the OP's girlfriend feels about it is also significant.

 

I think two people could get past this sort of revelation with the right attitude of openness and empathy. Not getting past it with defensiveness, that's for certain.

[Satu]

There's nothing wrong in the way the woman you're dating has reacted.

 

Her reaction is neither right nor wrong; it's just that what you did goes against her values and moral sense.

 

Sorry to say it, but I don't think you'll be seeing anything more of her.

 

 

Take care.

[Snotty]

The reason for discloure.....

 

A little background. Our "relationship" started out onthe right track. Honesty, respect, and lots of communication. Through our conversations of getting to know each other, questions asked, questions answered.

 

I wanted to be honest with her. I wanted to do this one right. I wanted to be honest, respectful, and understanding.

 

So... Last night sitting on the couch, she pulls up her shirt. I make a positive comment, then she asks what the youngest girl i have been with. I told her i was not going to tell her. She wanted to know why. So at this point, i want to uphold my honesty, so i tell her.

 

I didnt rob a bank, i didnt rape anyone, i didnt abuse anyone. I just wanted to be honest with her. I didnt want her to think i was hiding anything, nor did i want to plant a seed of dishonesty in her when she asked.

 

This was 12 years ago. I can write a book on things i wish i hadnt done. I am not the same person i was 12 years ago. I have worked hard to change things about myself i didnt like. I am VERY happy with who i am today. And.... As someobe once told me, there should never be a "." On the end of a personal growth sentence.

 

I just wanted to do this one right. I thought we were onthe same page. Alot of our conversations were on contantly growing as individuals.

 

I didnt think i would be judged on my past, and quite honestly, i have no clue what to do.

[xxoo]

Sounds like a silly conversation that could have been hedged if you mentioned your first makeout session in jr high or something.

 

That 19 year old is now 31, right? That sounds a bit different.

 

I'm all for honesty, but not for spewing every thought in my head. That was a poor moment to spell out that you hooked up with a 19 year old when you were 39. She was in a vulnerable spot, and I can understand completely why she took at hit and wanted to pull away in the moment.

[Satu]

snip

I didnt rob a bank, i didnt rape anyone, i didnt abuse anyone. I just wanted to be honest with her. I didnt want her to think i was hiding anything, nor did i want to plant a seed of dishonesty in her when she asked.

 

The decision to keep something private, that has zero impact on anyone, isn't dishonest.

 

Its just the exercise of your right to privacy.

[Toodaloo]

Snotty you just have to let this one ride.

 

"Truth hurts" and "Ignorance is bliss"... Both of those sayings are there for a reason.

 

Some people just can't handle is regardless of what they say. You just have to leave her be. Let her come to terms with it if she is going to.

 

If you are ever in a situation like that again, deflect... Pay her all the attention and say you will think about it later but right now you are in awe of the sight before you and can't think straight! Then let the subject drop. Or "I don't want to think about any exes right now because the best of the bunch is right here in front of me and I want to concentrate on you".

[xxoo]

 

If you are ever in a situation like that again, deflect... Pay her all the attention and say you will think about it later but right now you are in awe of the sight before you and can't think straight! Then let the subject drop. Or "I don't want to think about any exes right now because the best of the bunch is right here in front of me and I want to concentrate on you".

 

Perfect advice!

 

If there is something you really, truly feel you need to share, and it is something that might be difficult to hear, share those things at another time--not in an intimate moment with your lover.

 

As it happened, she may connect that you were thinking of this 19 year old while with her. Ewwww.....