Did my boyfriend just say he wants me to lose weight?

[curvylady12]

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department. He is extremely fit and I'm average. I'm the same weight I was when we started dating, but I've been trying to lose weight with no success. I used to also be pretty fit but now I have a stressful job (social worker), I'm in grad school, and I'm broke, so it's very difficult to keep a healthy lifestyle.

 

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

 

=| Oh.

 

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

[bolase]

If you keep making problems out of nothing, he's going to wonder if you'll ever be happy and secure with him, and get frustrated...because there is no problem. It sounds like he loves you; obviously he wouldn't date you if he wasn't attracted to you, and his response was clearly aiming to communicate that his love is deeper than just attraction. Geez girl.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, you are going through PMS, so I would imagine that some of your reaction is due to that, but you have brought up quite a delicate and treacherous subject for men.

 

THE WOMAN'S WEIGHT.

 

So, what if he was suggesting that you lose some weight? You would agree, no? This is one of those topics of compatibility and attraction that hurts relationships much more often than needed. If we were honest about our physical expectations and what attracts us in a relationship, we could all feel more honest about talking about one another's physical appearance and not become passive aggressively dissatisfied in the long run.

 

For men to mention anything about weight is considered taboo, but far too many women know that their physical appearance is important to men.

 

You're dating a guy who is fit and you were at one time. Or more fit, at least.

 

First of all, I admire you for your profession. Social workers should be among our top 5 most important professions and paid MUCH more than they do. I take it you eat when you are stressed? It sounds like you need to find other outlets to relieve this stress. Here's an idea....work out with your bf.

 

I had an ex who would eat when stressed, but she was never a person to maintain a fitness regimen of any kind in the first place. It sounds like you know how or did once. Go back to it. Make regular trips to the gym. Work out with your bf. Run. Power walk. All to help relieve stress and lose weight.

 

AND eat right.

[curvylady12]

So, what if he was suggesting that you lose some weight? You would agree, no?

 

Ok from the start I need to redirect you. The issue is not my weight. The issue is, I am feeling unattractive. To break it down:

 

- I expressed insecurity to boyfriend.

- I did not get reassurance from said boyfriend.

- My feelings of insecurity intensified.

- It is hurtful to myself and above relationship.

- Basically I want someone to tell me it's not a big deal and to calm tf down.

 

This is one of those topics of compatibility and attraction that hurts relationships much more often than needed. If we were honest about our physical expectations and what attracts us in a relationship, we could all feel more honest about talking about one another's physical appearance and not become passive aggressively dissatisfied in the long run.

 

For men to mention anything about weight is considered taboo, but far too many women know that their physical appearance is important to men.

 

Yes, it is taboo BECAUSE women already know. You need not tell a woman how she is failing your expectations physically. We know we are supposed to be thin and put-together. In fact it is in our face 24/7. We know when we are not those things. Actually we often think we are not those things even when we are.

 

I take it you eat when you are stressed? It sounds like you need to find other outlets to relieve this stress. Here's an idea....work out with your bf.

 

Everything from here on out is unsolicited fitness advice. You took a post about my feelings in my relationship and made it mostly about how I should change my appearance.

[xxoo]

He said only positive, loving thing about you. He didn't say what you wanted him to say. Did he even know that's what you were asking? Probably not.

 

If you want to know if he finds you sexy and pretty, ask him that. Or, better, judge by his actions. Does he act like he's attracted to you?

 

If you want him to say that he doesn't think you should lose weight, and actually thinks it's a bad idea, do you agree with that, yourself?

[Toodaloo]

You are tired stressed and PMSing...

 

Its not about your weight. Your boyfriend was trying to give you a compliment and tell you about all the things he admires about you that have nothing to do with looks so you would realise its not all about them!

 

My suggestion. Quit stressing. Go do something fun, that you enjoy, that you can keep up rather than worry about going to the gym etc. If you like cycling or running or yoga then do that, its fun so will relieve your work stress while getting you fitter with out even thinking about it. Put some time aside to think about you and never neglect yourself

 

Sounds to me as though you over think your weight too much. Just concentrate on being healthy and instead of worrying about what he or anyone else for that matter thinks about the size of your thighs worry about what you think and how you feel about it.

 

But yes - I think you are making mountains out of mile hills because the hormone got ya...

 

They are mean little critters those hormones aren't they!

 

Oh and lastly go get yourself a new lipstick or nail varnish so you feel better and more confident in yourself.

 

Your man isn't hinting or saying anything other than he cares about you here. Appreciate that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok from the start I need to redirect you. The issue is not my weight. The issue is, I am feeling unattractive. To break it down:

 

- I expressed insecurity to boyfriend.

- I did not get reassurance from said boyfriend.

- My feelings of insecurity intensified.

- It is hurtful to myself and above relationship.

- Basically I want someone to tell me it's not a big deal and to calm tf down.

 

 

 

Yes, it is taboo BECAUSE women already know. You need not tell a woman how she is failing your expectations physically. We know we are supposed to be thin and put-together. In fact it is in our face 24/7. We know when we are not those things. Actually we often think we are not those things even when we are.

 

 

 

Everything from here on out is unsolicited fitness advice. You took a post about my feelings in my relationship and made it mostly about how I should change my appearance.

 

Thanks for your "break down." It ONLY reinforces my point. Your reaction to my reasonable post is exactly why honesty is rare in the subject matter of THE WOMAN'S WEIGHT.

 

He gave you verbal assurances that he supports, loves you. By his omission of anything involving your weight, you chose to FOCUS on that.

 

I have to say, this notion that men should only be reassuring and not judgmental regarding a comatiblity issue is simply WRONG. It is b/c we don't communicate well enough our expectations, etc. that most relationships do not work out.

 

Good luck to you.

[curvylady12]

I have to say, this notion that men should only be reassuring and not judgmental regarding a comatiblity issue is simply WRONG. It is b/c we don't communicate well enough our expectations, etc. that most relationships do not work out.

 

You seem like a reasonable person. But you need to listen to more women about what our experiences in the world are like instead of assuming everything is the same across the board. So good luck to you as well.

[BikerAccnt]

 

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

 

=| Oh.

 

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

 

So, because he didn't answer in the way you wanted, you are upset? I think you're over analyzing things.

 

This is the thing that gets relationships into trouble. Listen to what someone says, not what they don't say. We can't possibly know what someone doesn't say, and by putting out own insecurities, worries, and expectations onto what they don't say, just creates unneeded anxiety in ourselves.

 

 

How is he supposed to know how to answer a question where you say to him, "I think your out of my league"? He tried to re-assure you that yeah, you are in his league.

 

OK, so maybe your not as fit as him. My GF isn't as fit as I am either. I'll be honest, could she lose weight. Yeah. If she doesn't will I like her any less, no. If she does, will I like her any more, also no. My GF attracts me and turns me on like no woman I've known. BUT, she is not the most physically attractive woman I've ever dated. BUT (again with the buts) that doesn't matter. The way she looks at me, the way she talks to me, the way she cares for me, the way she touches me, all of that, all of it, matters a great deal more than a few extra pounds. I've actually come to find those few extra pounds pretty damn sexy.

 

So it's quite possible your BF feels the same way. He finds you attractive as you are, for all of your qualities.

 

Listen to what he says, not what he doesn't say.

[BaileyB]

I think this is your issue, not his.

 

He didn't say what you wanted him to say. To be fair, he didn't actually know what the question was... It sounds based in what you have said that you don't feel good about yourself. Try to change that, and all will be well.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, he wasn't telling you to lose weight.

 

He was telling you he admires and appreciates so many other parts of you, that he loves you at any weight.

 

He was trying to complement you.

 

If you want to know specifically if he thinks you need to drop a few pounds, ask him that.

[elaine567]

Why are you feeling so insecure?

Do you feel his attraction for you has dropped off?

[Popsicle]

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department. He is extremely fit and I'm average. I'm the same weight I was when we started dating, but I've been trying to lose weight with no success. I used to also be pretty fit but now I have a stressful job (social worker), I'm in grad school, and I'm broke, so it's very difficult to keep a healthy lifestyle.

 

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

 

=| Oh.

 

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

 

A lot of guys have been conditioned by women/society to be afraid to say anything about a woman's looks for fear of being seen as shallow, so when prompted to give a compliment to a woman, in order to make it seem most meaningful, he'll avoid saying anything at all about her looks and say she's intelligent, funny, kind, interesting, sweet, etc. but not a word about her looks, else he'll get yelled at.

 

Plus, many many super fit guys PREFER women who are chubby or fat. He is probably one of those, if he got with you at the same size.

[stillafool]

When you say you are trying to lose weight but with no success; can I ask what method are you using? Maybe it isn't the best method for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you feeling so insecure?

Do you feel his attraction for you has dropped off?

 

I also meant to ask these questions.

 

OP, what prompted this conversation?

[Popsicle]

I think it's a plus and shows that he has compassion and care for you, that he attempted to reassure you (many people are naturally jackasses and will do everything but). It's just that he didn't say the exact right thing you wanted.

[joseb]

A lot of guys have been conditioned by women/society to be afraid to say anything about a woman's looks for fear of being seen as shallow, so when prompted to give a compliment to a woman, in order to make it seem most meaningful, he'll avoid saying anything at all about her looks and say she's intelligent, funny, kind, interesting, sweet, etc. but not a word about her looks, else he'll get yelled at.

 

Yeah that is a point. I always try to avoid giving compliments based on physical appearance, as they sound a bit shallow and often used by b.s. guys.

[Popsicle]

Yeah that is a point. I always try to avoid giving compliments based on physical appearance, as they sound a bit shallow and often used by b.s. guys.

 

It's a shame because most women like them.

 

Oh well, feminism...

[Gaeta]

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department.

 

Whether you gained a bit of weight or not since you met is not the problem here. The problem is you, after only 4 months dating, shedding on him all this mambo jumbo I don't feel attractive. Too early in the relationship - that is a huge turn off especially for men.

 

You put your guy on the spot and he got out of it the way he thought was the best. You don't like yourself at that weight so he was not gonna suggest you stay there. Frankly any answer from him would have been a wrong answer for you. If he told you to change what you don't like you would have accused him of not liking you at this weight and if had said he finds you sexy you would have accused him of lying just to make you feel good.

 

A man wants to be with a woman that is confident at any weight. I am far from being skinny and I have always dated men that are fit. I have never asked myself if they'd like me to be fit like them. If they wanted to date me with my curves that's because they were attracted to by body. Same with your boyfriend.

[kendahke]

Ok from the start I need to redirect you. The issue is not my weight. The issue is, I am feeling unattractive. To break it down:

 

- I expressed insecurity to boyfriend.

- I did not get reassurance from said boyfriend.

- My feelings of insecurity intensified.

- It is hurtful to myself and above relationship.

- Basically I want someone to tell me it's not a big deal and to calm tf down..

 

You expected him to read your mind as if it was an effective road map through this minefield. Well, he still stepped on a mine.

 

If this is what you need for him to tell you when you are going through PMS, then you need to tell him that this is what you need for him to tell you.

[No_Go]

Ok and if he did actually suggest you to lose weight, so what?? Isn't that exactly what YOU want as well?

 

I don't understand this mentality - they know their own flaws but want validations that others are enable to see them? I think it is that simple: what you see is what your BF sees as well. Maybe that's why he tried to make a more insightful comment but it wasn't understood...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

a post about my feelings in my relationship

 

 

OK, but would you mind explaining why you titled a "post about your feelings" as such:

 

 

Did my boyfriend just say he wants me to lose weight?

 

 

That title is indicative of your wanting help decoding (whatever is to follow) and only later is it revealed that you yourself are talking in code.

 

 

The brief answer is: more honesty (with the boyfriend), less code.

[smackie9]

Who cares about what he thinks or is saying....This is on you. If you think you would feel better if you lost weight, then do it for you. Go to weight watchers (I'm not promoting) they offer counseling to help you emotionally as well as physically.

[joseb]

Whether you gained a bit of weight or not since you met is not the problem here. The problem is you, after only 4 months dating, shedding on him all this mambo jumbo I don't feel attractive. Too early in the relationship - that is a huge turn off especially for men.

 

You put your guy on the spot and he got out of it the way he thought was the best. You don't like yourself at that weight so he was not gonna suggest you stay there. Frankly any answer from him would have been a wrong answer for you. If he told you to change what you don't like you would have accused him of not liking you at this weight and if had said he finds you sexy you would have accused him of lying just to make you feel good.

 

A man wants to be with a woman that is confident at any weight. I am far from being skinny and I have always dated men that are fit. I have never asked myself if they'd like me to be fit like them. If they wanted to date me with my curves that's because they were attracted to by body. Same with your boyfriend.

 

I want to super like this!

 

It's really really annoying to have your gf seeking validation like this.

 

And yes, this guy was on a hiding to nothing, regardless of how he answered it.

[GunslingerRoland]

You know you are overweight and need to lose weight. Why are you putting him in the awkward position of pressuring him to say otherwise when you already know this. Judge by his actions if he still finds you attractive or not, but what is the point of trying to get him to tell you that the sky is orange, when you know it's blue.