JenniC Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Hi guys. A little advice is needed on a slightly sensitive topic! I've met and been dating a really lovely guy for about 7 months now. We began as friends and slowly evolved to dating/courting, before things took a more steady route. For background; he's Japanese and from a traditional style family. I'm not! He's 33 and I'm 27. I mention his background because dating is very different there, at least where he's from away from the major cities. It's not uncommon to have sex before marriage, but dating usually leads to marriage. Plus, people don't begin dating until much, much later because study/work takes first place. Anyway, when we first kissed I realised a few things: he's either very inexperienced and it's been a while, or never done it before. It sounds a bit mean but I can't say that the skies parted for me; to be brutal, he was really quite bad. Too much tongue and no technique...however, that does not mean that I'm getting disinterested! He's the same guy and I still really care for him. I just need a few tips. How on earth can I aid his kissing technique without being direct? I can't be direct; it would genuinely hurt him and probably scare him off. He's already in disbelief that I actually showed interest to begin with. Following this - I'm staying with him in a few nights (his idea), and sex is likely on the cards. Is it likely he's a virgin? I'm DEFINITELY not, haha! If he is then it's no problem at all, but again; I need tips! When we kissed he was surprisingly active with his hands; he didn't touch me under my clothes but did go for my breasts and bum once he relaxed! In many ways his behaviour reminded me of teenage dating again. Very shy and clumsy, but enthusiastic. It doesn't put me off at all, because he's really a lovely man and I've had a really beautiful time with him...if you glimpse my previous posts then you'll maybe see the shocking difference between him and the people I've encountered in the past! Anyway. Tips please?! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 If the fact he is or isn't experienced is not a problem (in your own words) then what are you worried about? Say he is a virgin, then be nice and take the lead in a gentle easy going way. If he's just shy, then same answer really. He could've also been burnt in the past and so may be unsure or just insecure in that area. Basically there's any number of reasons, but if it doesn't bother you, then just enjoy the journey. You're two people feeling each other out (pardon the pun) and like with everything else, these are the times when you discover all about the other person, good and bad. So get exploring. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 What to look for... is he keen to learn how you like to be kissed and touched? In fact that is the only key question... If he isn't and remains on doing it his way or the highway get rid now. If he is keen to learn then game on! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 If he's bad in bed, don't fake enjoying it. If he has ANY concern for you he will ask how you liked it and that is when you should tell him that you want to show him how you like it. Take the time to teach him everything. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 There's no way to fix the kissing but to be direct, sorry. If he can't handle some directness, well ....anyway he won't just magically become good w/out some instruction. (I assume you've been kissing these 7 months and it still sucks.) So you have to sit him down and tell him to just relax and let you show him. Then he can slowly start reciprocating. Virgin sex - don't pressure him and don't make any assumptions about routine or positions or anything like that bc he prob doesn't know any of it except what he's seen in porn. Best to let it be more spontaneous, even if it's kinda awkward. So no "come on, get around back and jump on, what are you doing, why aren't you doing this right???" and all that. Just kiss and grope and get intense and let him react instinctively rather than feel like he should be following a script. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 There's no way to fix the kissing but to be direct, sorry. If he can't handle some directness, well ....anyway he won't just magically become good w/out some instruction. (I assume you've been kissing these 7 months and it still sucks.) So you have to sit him down and tell him to just relax and let you show him. Then he can slowly start reciprocating. Virgin sex - don't pressure him and don't make any assumptions about routine or positions or anything like that bc he prob doesn't know any of it except what he's seen in porn. Best to let it be more spontaneous, even if it's kinda awkward. So no "come on, get around back and jump on, what are you doing, why aren't you doing this right???" and all that. Just kiss and grope and get intense and let him react instinctively rather than feel like he should be following a script. I totally agree. One of my first serious boyfriends was a bad kisser and a virgin when we started dating (granted, we were only 18) I tried in different ways to hint that his kissing style left me...unenthusiastic and not exactly wanting more make-out sessions. Given that I was very young and not mature about communication, I couldn't bring myself to be direct and he eventually noticed I didn't like kissing him anymore. We stayed together 5 years. It never got better. Do yourself a favour, and really show him how you like to be kissed. You don't need to be abrasive, just explain what drives you wild and how you'd love it if he did XYZ. And then demonstrate. He sounds like he'll be an eager student. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Personally, I would find it a real ego boost in teaching someone! No comparisons to anyone else, just you and him and teaching him how you liked to be pleased and helping him discover things he may never have even dreamed of before. Just think, if he is a virgin, he would only learn how to please you, and that's it. There is something special about that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 I think you can teach kissing...... I don't know how fragile his ego is, but what I have done.... Pull away, place a hand on his face or neck, give him a sincere smile and say - let me kiss you. Then kiss him the way you want to be kissed. I think kissing is often like a dance, and just like dancing one partner takes the lead. If he has no clue on how to dance, he should not be aggressively leading it! So you need to take charge. When he does something you like, compliment - I love it when you suck on my lower lip. If it's something you don't like - redirect or pull away and "reset" by coming back in with what you do like. As for taking a V card, just be patient, understanding, and willing to show him the way. I find a smile and "that's okay, don't worry!" can go pretty far. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Wow, this takes me back ... I actually took a man's V card once. He told me as such when we met. And he was actually quite good once he had "the hang of it". But I digress ... A bad kisser? Well, I have had some experience with that. Those who are bad kissers tend to be not so great in the sack. I am thinking of one in particular, but I hope this guy will be a good time for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JenniC Posted August 25, 2016 Author Share Posted August 25, 2016 Thanks everyone, this really helps! I should probably have said earlier - we've only had two occasions when we've spent time kissing. Not two kisses, but two dates. We took things really slowly to begin with. So, I'm hoping that after some time and gentle re-direction/showing him what I like, that will make a difference. If not, then I'll definitely gently tell him in words how I prefer to be kissed and then follow up with a 'lesson'! It doesn't bother me at all if he is a virgin, of course. Like Daisy said - it is actually an ego-boost and quite special! I love how gentle he is even if he is a bit clumsy. I'd rather sleep with someone like that even if he's not incredible to begin with, than someone with tonnes of experience who thinks he's God's gift and really isn't! Toodaloo - I think he's keen to learn. He's extremely tactile so I think that this will be a situation where he'll be happy to follow my lead. I also think that the initial 'leading' done by him was him trying to cover up the fact that he's so inexperienced; when he got out of his comfort zone he stopped and just started hugging me. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Hahaha, it's interesting when we say words like 'inexperience' and even 'virgin' and expect them to be a minus rather than plus. Bad things referring to being a sexual novice to sex rather than it being a good thing. It's all modern society stuff anyway, the idea that if your sort of a virgin by this age, that's a bad thing?? Virgin-shaming is just as bad as slut-shaming in my estimate. Some might say in some sectors of society that virgin-shaming is more prevalent and more accepted and expected. I'm not saying YOUR thinking less of him because of him because of these things because not once did you hint that you did, but just in generally making an observation about societal expectations, perspectives and attitudes. I think it's nothing but a good thing, and I am excited for you. You get to show him, teach him and allow him to explore his sexuality. I think once he gets going he may even show you stuff and surprise you! who knows? He'll let his basic instincts come out eventually. And besides, inexperience at sex? who cares, I'm considered inexperienced in a lot of ways, BUT when I am with someone I trust, I am no longer inexperienced and I am more than ready to be taught, learn and to engage in sexual exploration. Learning about positions I haven't done before. I remember I had never done doggy style until I was 27/28 and the guy I was with at the time was shocked! and judged me HARSHLY for it, even saying it was a turn off. But what's there to be shocked about? I just hadn't done it before? What's the big deal? Can't judge someone for what they haven't done before, then yay! you get to teach! SOOOOOO exciting and you're right, so gosh darn cute! Plus no previous ex- girlfriend baggage ( which can be a drag) No STD's, just sort of this lovely, lovely clean slate. Beautiful! Plus his only teacher and sex coach is someone who he may fall in love with. Nothing says " sexy" like loyalty! ( I think anyways) And you're so right, I have met guys before that have done it with 50 or more woman, it's not the number of woman that they have done it with, Its their attitude as if they are better than those who haven't and therefore made it in life. Weird. It just means that they have had more sex, doesn't actually mean they're better at it at all. Some people are natural performers and will end up rocking your world. What he lacks in so-called " experience" I'm sure he will make up in enthusiasm, which is really what you want anyway. Can I get an Amen up in here? Hope you end up with a really loyal guy who totally adores you and only you. And if you're his first, how BEAUTIFUL!. My friend's husband was a virgin before he met her, she said hearing " you were worth the wait" was the most beautiful, special and loving thing anyone had ever said to her. It was so, so meaningful. I hope you end up having the most meaningful love, sex and experience sof your life Best of luck my darling xxxo Link to post Share on other sites
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