Should I tell my friend she needs to lower her expectations?

[Revan32]

My friend has been on tinder a lot lately and I think its impacting her dating life negatively. She is not ugly by any means, but she's short, a little thick, and hispanic. Lately she's been going on tinder and getting dates with nothing but tall, very good looking white guys. I don't think she's sleeping with them, but she gets sad every time they don't call her back after the first date. I haven't said anything because I figured it would be good for her to figure it out for herself.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her. So far she's turned them all down. I'm worried this is going to come back later when she realizes tinder matches are not an accurate measurement for who a girl can land in a relationship.

 

Do I explain this to her, or let her figure things out for herself, even if it damages her reputation/emotionally.

[JewelD]

I don't understand what her being short thick and hispanic has to do with anything?? Obviously she wouldn't be getting dates from tall good looking white men if they weren't at least interested in her physically.

 

Tinder is a hookup site, that's probably why she and countless others are not getting long term relationships out of it. If it was about her appearance, she wouldn't be getting a first date at all.

 

From what you've described, there's no reason to tell her to 'aim lower'. She just needs to use a site other than Tinder and realize that dating is a numbers game and most dates will not pan out into anything serious.

[Gaeta]

Do your best to get her off of that site and have her register to a dating website (maybe 2). I don't know why people looking for something serious are on Tinder. Don't they know what it's for? I have never heard a happy ending story from Tinder, have you?

 

And yes, unfortunately she will have to go through the whole process of figuring herself out by hitting her nose repeatedly. Been there, got the t-shirt and a bruised nose.

[TXGuy]

I don't understand what her being short thick and hispanic has to do with anything?? Obviously she wouldn't be getting dates from tall good looking white men if they weren't at least interested in her physically.

 

Tinder is a hookup site, that's probably why she and countless others are not getting long term relationships out of it. If it was about her appearance, she wouldn't be getting a first date at all.

 

From what you've described, there's no reason to tell her to 'aim lower'. She just needs to use a site other than Tinder and realize that dating is a numbers game and most dates will not pan out into anything serious.

 

I think what OP is suggesting is that hot tinder guys generally only go out with short, thick girls for easy sex. If they don't get that on the first date, they do not call the girl again (they probably wouldn't call her again anyway). Thick girls can often get tinder dates that are looking for sex that are more attractive than the guys that would be more likely to give her a relationship.

 

I'd let your friend figure it out on her own. Even if you could convince her of what is going on, she would likely get mad at the messenger (you).

[JewelD]

I think what OP is suggesting is that hot tinder guys generally only go out with short, thick girls for easy sex. If they don't get that on the first date, they do not call the girl again (they probably wouldn't call her again anyway). Thick girls can often get tinder dates that are looking for sex that are more attractive than the guys that would be more likely to give her a relationship.

 

I'd let your friend figure it out on her own. Even if you could convince her of what is going on, she would likely get mad at the messenger (you).

 

That's pretty much everyone on tinder though. They are looking to hookup and if it doesn't happen, no call back. I imagine the same thing happens to tall thin white women on there as well. Sounds like the OP was insinuating that tall good looking white men would not be interested in a short thick latina woman as a rule.

[Erik30]

Why mention race? So you basically think she's dating guys out of her league, and you found some "ugly"/average ones who would be more appropriate for someone like her Just leave her alone. Maybe your friend is actually more attractive than you think. (In the eyes of men)

[smackie9]

IMO you are attracted to what you are attracted to. Telling her to lower expectations is ridiculous. You can't force someone to date what they don't find attractive.

 

There are all kinds of people, even attractive ones that don't get a second date. There's a lot of garbage, players, wieners, predators, con artist, and users that use these sites to take advantage even the most experienced of daters.

 

No one, and I mean no one can expect success that quickly or that often.

 

Your friend is just going through the process....leave her alone. If she gets frustrated enough, and nothing works for her, obviously she will try something different.

[Arieswoman]

Revan32,

As a "Brit" I'm not sure what you mean by " a bit thick" - do you mean stocky build or lacking a few brain cells?

 

Just trying to understand the question...

[preraph]

The tall white ones are contacting her, so she can get them. BUT I would tell her if she wants a relationship, she should get off Tinder because it's always been mainly a hookup site.

[Revan32]

The tall white ones are contacting her, so she can get them. BUT I would tell her if she wants a relationship, she should get off Tinder because it's always been mainly a hookup site.

 

Actually I'm pretty sure she said she contacts most guys first. And getting a date with a guy who thinks he's going to get an easy hook up isn't getting them. Most guys have no problem with hooking up with someone they wouldn't consider a relationship with. I understand as a women it's not something that may make sense in your mind but take my word for it. None of the guys who's pics she's showed me would have a serious long term relationship with her. I get opposites attract in some cases, but a guy who takes really good care of his body isn't very likely to date a girl who puts in minimal effort. Nothing against her, it's just reality.

 

The funny thing is she agrees with my sentiments. Last week one of our mutual male friends was trying to ask out a very attractive girl. She turned around and muttered to me "he really tends to go after the pretty ones doesn't he! He should ask out (other less attractive girls name)". It's only because shes my really good friend that I didn't bring it up right then.

[Revan32]

There are all kinds of people, even attractive ones that don't get a second date. There's a lot of garbage, players, wieners, predators, con artist, and users that use these sites to take advantage even the most experienced of daters.

 

Your friend is just going through the process....leave her alone. If she gets frustrated enough, and nothing works for her, obviously she will try something different.

I feel like that's exactly why I should warn her about the players and garbage on tinder. But not everyone on tinder is bad. If she went out with some of the guys who weren't getting hundreds of matches and are clearly getting tons of sexual attention, then I think she would do fine with online dating.

 

The problem with the process is what if it leaves her hurt and damaged? I don't know if she's sleeping with these guys or not, but putting herself in that position isn't good. A lot of you may think nothing of a girl having a few hook ups, but both me and her are part of a very strict religion. And girls who have a history of sleeping around do not tend to get married easily to the guys who that concept is foreign to.

 

I'm around 7 years older than her, so it's hard for me to not advise her like an older brother.

[spiderowl]

You could ask her what kind of guy she is attracted to and what kind of guy she needs and then maybe try some matchmaking. It has to come from her though. When friends try to matchmake, they rarely have a good idea of who a person would find attractive and can be amazingly wrong in their choices.

 

I remember a friend trying to matchmake me with a guy she thought suitable. I found him shallow, transient (in terms of jobs and therefore probably commitment) and didn't like his manners. I think she thought he was adventurous, interesting and literary. Just shows how differently two people can see the same person!

[Revan32]

You could ask her what kind of guy she is attracted to and what kind of guy she needs and then maybe try some matchmaking. It has to come from her though. When friends try to matchmake, they rarely have a good idea of who a person would find attractive and can be amazingly wrong in their choices.

I know fairly well what her type of guy is. We've had extensive conversations on what we both like. The problem is we both have the same group of friends. And her favorite trait in a guy is height. She excitedly told me herr last two tinder dates were with guys who were taller than me. I'm 6'3". I'm already in the top 3% height bracket, I don't even know anyone who's that tall to set her up with! Lol

[kendahke]

My friend has been on tinder a lot lately and I think its impacting her dating life negatively. She is not ugly by any means, but she's short, a little thick, and hispanic. Lately she's been going on tinder and getting dates with nothing but tall, very good looking white guys. I don't think she's sleeping with them, but she gets sad every time they don't call her back after the first date. I haven't said anything because I figured it would be good for her to figure it out for herself.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her. So far she's turned them all down. I'm worried this is going to come back later when she realizes tinder matches are not an accurate measurement for who a girl can land in a relationship.

 

Do I explain this to her, or let her figure things out for herself, even if it damages her reputation/emotionally.

 

Has she even asked you for your opinion or intervention?

 

A lot of "I"'s in that post--none of this is about her: it's about you telling her to proceed in her life in a fashion you approve. That's not your place. She's grown--she is allowed her preferences and she's not going to damage her reputation or emotions. You esteem her very slenderly if you think that.

 

I think that you're making this more about what you're comfortable with and not giving an iota of respect to her right to make her own choices. It's not your job to save her from her learning experiences. She will learn them faster if she's allowed to make her own mistakes without interference especially when it wasn't asked for in the first place.

[kendahke]

Revan32,

As a "Brit" I'm not sure what you mean by " a bit thick" - do you mean stocky build or lacking a few brain cells?

 

Just trying to understand the question...

 

"Thick" in this context means stocky and not lean.

[Dork Vader]

All you're going to do is offend her. This is something she is going to have to figure out on her own.

 

Tinder and similar websites have absolutely ruined dating IMO. They are filled with guys who are super attractive that just want flings. This has lead too a lot of women over estimating what they can really get. It's made a lot of men under estimate what they can get as well.

 

Thus we have a world crammed full of bad internet dating experiences. Average guys can't get average women. And average women don't understand why above average men keep hurting or disappointing them.

 

My only advice for you is too possibly tell your friend to make a list of what SHE wants in a relationship and what her expectations are. Then have her take an honest look and what she CAN provide. If she can't bring it, she can't expect it in return.

[Revan32]

Has she even asked you for your opinion or intervention?

 

A lot of "I"'s in that post--none of this is about her: it's about you telling her to proceed in her life in a fashion you approve. That's not your place. She's grown--she is allowed her preferences and she's not going to damage her reputation or emotions. You esteem her very slenderly if you think that.

 

I think that you're making this more about what you're comfortable with and not giving an iota of respect to her right to make her own choices. It's not your job to save her from her learning experiences. She will learn them faster if she's allowed to make her own mistakes without interference especially when it wasn't asked for in the first place.

We talk about guys and girls all the time. And yes I always give her my opinion, and she always gives me hers. This one is just potentially too hurtful, which is why I've never said anything. But now she's asking me for advice on how to turn down one of our mutual friends because she isn't attracted enough to him. I'm not going to help her with that. The guy isnt a super tinder hunk, but he is a decent looking, very nice guy.

 

And yes, she may damage her reputation. If she intends to marry a man from church (she does), then turning down all the ones asking her out right now in favor of tinder dates will give her a bad rep. I've already heard other people talking about it.

 

And yes, as her friend I do consider it my job to save her from some learning experiences. Would you let your friends get into drugs? Go to parties to get blacked out drunk? Have tons of indiscriminate unprotected sex? I hope not! Not a good friend if you let someone do that to themselves without at least trying to save them from it. She helps me out too. I've made some bad decisions that she talked me out of or helped me realize.

[angel.eyes]

I know fairly well what her type of guy is. We've had extensive conversations on what we both like. The problem is we both have the same group of friends. And her favorite trait in a guy is height. She excitedly told me herr last two tinder dates were with guys who were taller than me. I'm 6'3". I'm already in the top 3% height bracket, I don't even know anyone who's that tall to set her up with! Lol

 

Honestly, it sounds as if you're upset she's overlooking you as an option and is instead searching elsewhere for a relationship.

 

As another poster pointed out, it's all "I...I...I..." in your posts. Then you throw out that you're both from the same small, highly conservative religion and her choices will make her less attractive to adherents of said religion. Huh? Is she limiting herself to relationships with only men of said religion??? From what you've posted, it sounds like quite the opposite.

[h0000]

Don't tell her to lower expectations. That's essentially telling her she's not pretty enough and she wouldn't like it. But do tell her to hit the gym and get a better body. That will increase her chance with the hot guys

[Revan32]

Honestly, it sounds as if you're upset she's overlooking you as an option and is instead searching elsewhere for a relationship.

 

As another poster pointed out, it's all "I...I...I..." in your posts. Then you throw out that you're both from the same small, highly conservative religion and her choices will make her less attractive to adherents of said religion. Huh? Is she limiting herself to relationships with only men of said religion??? From what you've posted, it sounds like quite the opposite.

 

She didn't overlook me. But she isn't my type so we just became friends.

 

This post is about what I should do. Not what she should do. Of course I'm using the word I a lot. I know what my opinion is on her tinder dating. Its not going to change. What I don't know is whether, or how I should bring it up to her.

Listening to the general tone of the thread, i'm probably going to drop it for now. But if I feel its leading her somewhere bad, I will speak to her about my feelings for tinder and online in general.

 

And yes, I did use a lot more "I".

[MissBee]

I don't understand what her being short thick and hispanic has to do with anything?? Obviously she wouldn't be getting dates from tall good looking white men if they weren't at least interested in her physically.

 

Tinder is a hookup site, that's probably why she and countless others are not getting long term relationships out of it. If it was about her appearance, she wouldn't be getting a first date at all.

 

From what you've described, there's no reason to tell her to 'aim lower'. She just needs to use a site other than Tinder and realize that dating is a numbers game and most dates will not pan out into anything serious.

 

Ditto to all of this.

[TXGuy]

She didn't overlook me. But she isn't my type so we just became friends.

 

This post is about what I should do. Not what she should do. Of course I'm using the word I a lot. I know what my opinion is on her tinder dating. Its not going to change. What I don't know is whether, or how I should bring it up to her.

Listening to the general tone of the thread, i'm probably going to drop it for now. But if I feel its leading her somewhere bad, I will speak to her about my feelings for tinder and online in general.

 

And yes, I did use a lot more "I".

 

I think this thread gave you an indication of how she might take your suggestions. Some of the ladies on this thread are offended by your assessment, disagree with it despite the fact that it is factually accurate, and are attacking you and your motives for suggesting it.

 

It is very possible that your female friend would react in a similar manner.

 

You know (and I agree with and believe you) that you are looking out for her best interests. However, some lessons must be learned through experience, even if it has negative long term effects on that person.

 

I don't think you are the right person to advise her on this. It would be more effective if it came from her grandmother, aunt, or mother. I know it's hard to watch a friend go down the wrong path, but sometimes you have to bite your tongue and let them discover things for themselves.

[Revan32]

I think this thread gave you an indication of how she might take your suggestions. Some of the ladies on this thread are offended by your assessment, disagree with it despite the fact that it is factually accurate, and are attacking you and your motives for suggesting it.

 

It is very possible that your female friend would react in a similar manner.

 

You know (and I agree with and believe you) that you are looking out for her best interests. However, some lessons must be learned through experience, even if it has negative long term effects on that person.

 

I don't think you are the right person to advise her on this. It would be more effective if it came from her grandmother, aunt, or mother. I know it's hard to watch a friend go down the wrong path, but sometimes you have to bite your tongue and let them discover things for themselves.

 

Yep I've definitely realized that. I suppose I should have known already.

 

If her mom knew what she was doing she'd set her straight in a heart beat. I've only met her once, but (and this is truly ironic) she did not like me one bit. My friend said her mom told her after I left, to watch out for me because she thinks i'm going to try and sleep with her, and that she shouldn't hang out with guys like me. I can't say I disagree with the lady.

[Revolver]

More than likely she is getting pumped and dumped by those guys

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I much prefer it if my friends can tell me what I cannot see. So long as a guy is not treating me like a disposable diaper, then if my standards are far too up in the sky-high then I think my friends have every right out of their concern and care to tell me where I could be going wrong.

 

Most of the men I have dated have been way below any reasonable standards of good. But then I think I couldn't see what is right and rational judging from my lack of experience.

Now that I have grown and developed into my identity as well as dated a bit more, I can assess who is good enough and who isn't.

 

My friends can tell me what I should expect. Three years ago my best friend got married to a man that most women had rejected, she could see promising qualities in the guy that no other woman had ever seen before, including his ex-wife.

 

 

I am more inclined to listen to her, knowing that she managed to get married to someone super. If she can see from her experience where she went wrong, and how in the end, she got it right then I am inclined to take a leaf out of her book.