Is he in to me or am I imagining this stuff?

[crazythoughts]

At the outset before I share my story, let me confess I know for a fact nothing good is going to come off it and I don't want to get involved with a married man / put my very valuable career at any jeopardy. Having said that, my monkey mind cant stop thinking about it so I'm sharing and would like some unbiased opinions.

 

I have been working at company X for over 2 years and I've been working for the same man. He is married and has kids. He is also a super friendly man, super social and is very nice with all of his team members (not just his direct team) even if they are 4 levels from him. I have always had a crush on him, but for the first year or so I was in a relationship and never gave this crush much thought, but since then I have been single and he has been on my mind a lot more.

 

In my head, I think it is two sided but I really cant be sure. He certainly thinks of me as one of the strongest performers on his team. He talks to me a lot (even about things outside of work), we hang out as a team pretty often and for most part we always end up sitting next to each other in these social gatherings.

 

He goes out of his way to help whenever I am working on projects - not something I have seen him do for anyone else...even to the point that he doesn't mind doing the menial stuff or owning slides on my deck (that are to be owned by me) and he is happy to have me present them in the end.

 

We also share adjacent work spaces - which provides a lot more overlap of time. He initiates most of the conversations and many times we are discussing things outside of work - he shares a lot of stories from his life from years back, political views and much more. He also ends up telling me stuff about work that he probably would not share with anyone else on the team...even things like his own performance reviews etc. If there are times I am stressed about a deadline, he will tell me not to worry and that he is available even later in the day and that I should just text him and he would be happy to review work.

 

There are also times I have been stressed / hassled and its not even been work related, he always picks up on it and asks if everything is alright.

 

Even all of this, I had for the longest time attributed to him being an incredibly nice person, but a few months back on one of the socialising evenings, there was a lot of alcohol involved and we were in a fairly small group where everyone was pretty drunk and pre-occupied. On this said day, he hung out only with me and we talked about a lot of things, my relationship going bust, how he has been married for a very long time, how there are a lot of ppl at work who think I do a great job and other things. This also led to some hand holding / locking on our way back. He quickly said he wanted to make sure I dont trip, but I certainly sensed some chemistry there. The following day we just pretended like we didnt remember much from the previous evening and that everything was okay. I was feeling quite sick the following day and left work early, but he texted me later asking if I got dinner.

 

Since then, there are also days when I sense that he realises this may be getting a bit out of hand (or maybe he thinks he doesnt want ppl to think there is any favoritism), so he goes out of his way to ignore me and then I back off completely as well - but in a couple of days, he will go back to being overtly nice and friendly - to the point that we really feel more like friends now than work colleagues (With all the hierarchy there). Do you think he is emotionally cheating with me in any way or is this my overactive imagination?

 

While he does mention his wife in stories, its nothing overtly nice or flattering just matter of fact or some rare times slightly negative.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would refer you to your first paragraph.

 

The remainder is utterly pointless and completely irrelevant, as you have absolutely no intention of responding or acting in kind, or reciprocating the attitude.

 

Control your monkey Mind.

It's yours to put on a leash.

I recommend it.

 

End of.

[Dis]

Why do you want to know if hes into you??? It should be irrelevant because...Hes married. Down the road when you are married with kids would you like your husband having this type of "relationship" with another woman???

[crazythoughts]

I get it, I dont inend to jeopardise his marriage in any way, but I want to know if I am over-reacting to everything thats happening. Should I start to maintain a distance or just let things be as is? Is it okay to have a close friendship or not? Hence, I asked if any of this could be labeled as more than being colleagues. If his wife knew, would she think he was chetaing emoitionally or is he just being friendly?

[TaraMaiden2]

Read the No Contact Guide. I think it's the second paragraph from the bottom that supports people who have no choice but to be in Contact with those who strive to hold their affection, or for whom they have (had) affection, when it is unwise to do so.

 

See the NC Guide in my signature in my first post.

 

The paragraph begins with this title:

Q: What do I do if I have obligations with my ex- which make Complete No Contact impossible?

 

I know he's not your ex. But the same rule applies.

[whyno]

I am in the exact situation. My colleague is married but no kids. We work together in the same department and I developed feelings for her after getting to know her more and more everyday. I'm torn because she's what I want but I've accepted that we are just colleagues that have a good working professional relationship. Nothing more nothing less. I'm actually transferring to another job position bc I'm too weak to move on. My only way to get over this is to stop seeing her.

[Dis]

I get it, I dont inend to jeopardise his marriage in any way, but I want to know if I am over-reacting to everything thats happening. Should I start to maintain a distance or just let things be as is? Is it okay to have a close friendship or not? Hence, I asked if any of this could be labeled as more than being colleagues. If his wife knew, would she think he was chetaing emoitionally or is he just being friendly?

 

Both you and him are already jeopardising his marriage. I'm not blaming you for the whole thing, its his marriage. From what you told us, yes I do believe he has feelings for you and may want to begin an affair, perhaps an emotional affair, perhaps physical. But his intentions dont matter. Read the no contact guide and do not encourage any more of his behavior. Think of his poor wife...sitting at home, having no idea her husband has held hands with another woman, has felt desire for another woman. You dont deserve his half hearted love, neither does his wife. End things right there.

[crazythoughts]

Thanks. To be honest, I dont think he intends to start anything either. I can see him holding back or trying to ignore me from time to time. He probably senses this is wrong as well, but has little control over the happenings I guess. He is also a great boss. I couldnt complain about a thing career wise..but I guess what Im hearing is "the wise thing to do would be to keep this strictly professional". I have no idea how, but I'm gonna make an effort in that direction

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks. To be honest, I dont think he intends to start anything either. I can see him holding back or trying to ignore me from time to time. He probably senses this is wrong as well, but has little control over the happenings I guess. He is also a great boss. I couldnt complain about a thing career wise..but I guess what Im hearing is "the wise thing to do would be to keep this strictly professional". I have no idea how, but I'm gonna make an effort in that direction

 

 

In all things business-like, keep it business-like.

 

If anything occurs which puts you on an unprofessional spot, depending on the circumstance and mood, either keep it jovial - "Puh-leeze we're at work here!"

 

Or - "I'm sorry, I don't think that's very professional. We work together, it's best to keep to that boundary".

 

Be polite, non-confrontational, but state your case.

You're both adults.

And nothing is written anywhere, that you have to take any type of inappropriate behaviour on the chin, without comment.

[crazythoughts]

Thanks. Tht helps