Complicated guy or just not interested?

[AnnaN88]

Hi guys,

 

Last month I met a guy online. He decided to met up after a few days of chatting and the first day was absolutely amazing. We spent the whole day together going to museums, walking in the park, dinner. I felt that there was a connection between us, however nothing physical happened between us, just a hug and a shy kiss ( he later said I rejected him)

After the first date he said I was a bit reserved, but he liked me so we organised a second date. Everything went well, at the end of the dinner he kissed me and hold my hand. The next day I received a text from him saying that " we should be friends, as he feels that there is no real spark"

I was a bit upset as I really liked the guy, but well, rejection is part of the game.

 

Strangely enough, after this ending message he decided to add me on Facebook ( as friends) and kept texting me. Nothing flirty just casual things, but he kept in touch every day.

He used to send me pictures with his pets and also like all my pictures and posts on Facebook.

He said that the reason why he decided to sent me that text saying there was no spark was due to my attitude, very cold towards him. I am not a cold person by any means, I am just a bit reserved when I meet new people, but I find it normal.

He even said that sometimes is thinking what If I would have gone to his place instead of just getting off the cab after the second date and well, sometimes he is very flirty in his messages.

The problem is that every time he tried to organised something, he asked me out a few times, he would always vanish or would postpone. He texts me to invite me out and then goes silent for days.

He is not constant in what he does or says.

I even cancelled his number, but for some reason he is always coming back. He blame it on his sensitive nature and on the fact that he tends to over-analyse things. I am very confused. I am 27 and he is 41.

Any advice on this? Should I cut him off completely?

 

Thank you very much!

[mikeylo]

Not interested. Interested people act interested and you don't have to question.

[katiegrl]

,>>"He even said sometimes is thinking what would have happened if I had gone back to his place after second date instead of getting out of the cab....."

 

"He is also very flirty in his messages."

 

^^He wants sex, and is hoping by telling you that you are too cold, too reserved, that it's all YOUR fault there was no spark, he will make you feel so bad, or guilty that you will have sex with him.

 

He is attempting to manipulate you.

 

A guy who is truly [interested] in YOU and not just getting sex would understand that you may be just be a little reserved on these early dates, and continue wanting to date you.

 

NOT attempt to manipulate you by suggesting if only you had gone back to his place, things would be different.

 

What a load of crap. If he truly felt there was no *spark* he would not still be engaging you, and flirting you.

 

Block, delete, next.

Edited April 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member requested edit

[carhill]

Hmm, 14 years older, good dates, some odd communication, 'let's be friends'.

 

1. Plate-spinner/commitment-phobe

2. Formula dater

3. Married or LTR

 

IMO, I think your instincts to block him are sound and consider this interaction concluded and move on to dating men closer to your age group.

[authenticity]

I vote "complicated guy" but that usually just means "emotionally damaged"

 

It sounds like he's participating in a constant battle of power (or control) in the relationships, while you are just being real. All of these tactics are a way to intentionally give him the power. On the first date, he felt that he liked you more than you liked him. This scared him, he felt vulnerable and decided to take control of the relationship by pretending there was no chemistry and that that HE wanted to just be friends.

 

Obviously, this charade didn't last long as he made it quite clear that he's interested some time later. But without the constant approval and recognition from the people he's dating, he'll continue to play for the power.

 

I can't offer advice as to how you should proceed. Whether you should continue dating this guy or not. But reading your post there's two things I keep thinking.

 

1. He's 41 years old. These types of games at this age is a red flag.

2. The reasons behind wanting control (abandonment issues, low self esteem, whatever it may be) are innocent in nature. Meaning it's the highly empathetic, emotional and sensitive people who act this way. Which are all GOOD qualities to find in people. But the fact that he's pairing this with ghosting you, ignoring you, bailing on dates etc. .. makes me wonder if he's manipulating you maliciously as part of a PUA (i can't think of a better word. If someone can help me out) mindset and that is on the opposite side on the scale of good nature.

[AnnaN88]

Thank you very much for the insightful comments. I think that the best thing to do would be to move on and forget about him.

Yesterday he sent me some pictures with his pets, knowing that I love dogs, and said " I am sure my dog would love you too".Maybe he sees me like a friend, I don't know:(

[Lois_Griffin]

He sounds socially and emotionally stunted. I was amazed to find out this guy is 41 years old, texting you to ask you out like a dumb ass teenager instead of a grown man.

 

Because you weren't all over him and didn't go to his place after your second date (wouldn't be surprised if this fool lived with a bunch of guys or roommates) he's manipulating you with this 'let's be friends' nonsense. Like you missed your big 'chance' with him so now you've been 'demoted' to friends.

 

Don't waste your time on this guy. There's a reason he's 41 and still single, chasing 20-somethings.

[elaine567]

Should I cut him off completely?

 

Yes, he is a manipulator.

Like authenticcity, PUA was the first thing I thought about too.

Run, and don't look back.

[AnnaN88]

Why I do not understand is why is making promises that he cannot keep. He said we are just friends, no chemistry, things should be clear. He should move on to a " next victim".

 

For example, he said that he would invite to dinner this weekend , every day would text me saying " I am sorry I've been busy, but next weekend I will take you to dinner, I promise". He kept reassuring me, he asked me everyday what my plans were and then nothing happened.

I am not even sure if he wants sex. He is probably a player who has no intention to finalise anything.

 

The weird thing was that during our first date he seemed extremely interested, he even made plans for weekends away. I was a bit surprised as I have never met a person so excited during a first date. I've never felt so irresistible

He planned everything, from a photo exhibition to a nice restaurant. His messages afterwords were extremely promising. Second date the same, all great.

 

After the second date I was a bit unlucky and my wallet got stolen, so he came back from home to make sure I was ok, he even offered to lend me money.

I was flattered, I have never had so much attention from a stranger.

Then he became cold all of a sudden, but he stil kept in touch.

 

All in all, I decided to cut him off completely as I do not need all this drama.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Weirdo.

 

 

Why are you even bothering with this weird, weird man?

[AnnaN88]

Why I do not understand is why is making promises that he cannot keep. He said we are just friends, no chemistry, things should be clear. He should move on to a " next victim".

 

For example, he said that he would invite to dinner this weekend , every day would text me saying " I am sorry I've been busy, but next weekend I will take you to dinner, I promise". He kept reassuring me, he asked me everyday what my plans were and then nothing happened.

I am not even sure if he wants sex. He is probably a player who has no intention to finalise anything.

 

The weird thing was that during our first date he seemed extremely interested, he even made plans for weekends away. I was a bit surprised as I have never met a person so excited during a first date. I've never felt so irresistible

He planned everything, from a photo exhibition to a nice restaurant. His messages afterwords were extremely promising. Second date the same, all great.

 

After the second date I was a bit unlucky and my wallet got stolen, so he came back from home to make sure I was ok, he even offered to lend me money.

I was flattered, I have never had so much attention from a stranger.

Then he became cold all of a sudden, but he stil kept in touch.

 

All in all, I decided to cut him off completely as I do not need all this drama.

[smudge21]

He's treating you like an option. Stop treating him like a priority.

[preraph]

Sounds to me he's a little too used to not having to put forth much effort. Just keep your boundaries in place. Don't let him keep you waiting and be flaking on you. He's trying to push your buttons. REAL nice he's trying to blame it on you when he's the one been flaking. I would just say it's only one more way he's being irresponsible and unreliable, and so, not a great catch.

[AnnaN88]

A quick update of the story: I had a long but rather useful chat with the guy, so I told him that we should stay " just friends".

 

At the end I asked him how was the dating going. He then replied " do you want to have a full picture of it?" I thought he would give an evasive answer. Hell no! He sent me pictures of 5 women he is dating at the moment. I was shocked! He started to point out the pros and cons for every girl, intimate pictures that those girls sent, he mentioned the ones who were performing well in bed or not. Apparently all of them are head over heels for him. He had a folder where he kept track of the dates!

 

Some women would even sent poems to him, but he said he was not sure what to do. All these ladies ( some are his friends on Facebook so his story was not invented) are all good looking. He even planned a week abroad to visit one of the girls( who works in the same company and wants a serious relationship with him).

He said " I am a good catch, I have a good job, a nice house, I am well educated etc" He works in investment banking, but he is the average guy, not extremely good looking. Is this the norm for online dating ? At least 5 women per man? If this is the truth, I might as well stay single.

 

Maybe I am naive and I don't know how the online dating goes, but I felt disgusted. I am thinking to get a break from dating at the moment.

[MidwestUSA]

You don't need to take a break from dating, you're not the problem. I'm sorry you came across such a creep. You're disgusted because he's disgusting!

 

Get him away from your Facebook, block numbers, delete. And be thankful you didn't go back to his place, you'd be in his folder too. Ugh.

[AnnaN88]

You don't need to take a break from dating, you're not the problem. I'm sorry you came across such a creep. You're disgusted because he's disgusting!

 

Get him away from your Facebook, block numbers, delete. And be thankful you didn't go back to his place, you'd be in his folder too. Ugh.

 

Thank you!! All done, weirdo deleted

 

But I was thinking about the whole situation. Dating is a numbers game and maybe I am not ready for all this. Folders, spreadsheets, pictures, that's too much.. ?

[Zapbasket]

A quick update of the story: I had a long but rather useful chat with the guy, so I told him that we should stay " just friends".

 

At the end I asked him how was the dating going. He then replied " do you want to have a full picture of it?" I thought he would give an evasive answer. Hell no! He sent me pictures of 5 women he is dating at the moment. I was shocked! He started to point out the pros and cons for every girl, intimate pictures that those girls sent, he mentioned the ones who were performing well in bed or not. Apparently all of them are head over heels for him. He had a folder where he kept track of the dates!

 

Some women would even sent poems to him, but he said he was not sure what to do. All these ladies ( some are his friends on Facebook so his story was not invented) are all good looking. He even planned a week abroad to visit one of the girls( who works in the same company and wants a serious relationship with him).

He said " I am a good catch, I have a good job, a nice house, I am well educated etc" He works in investment banking, but he is the average guy, not extremely good looking. Is this the norm for online dating ? At least 5 women per man? If this is the truth, I might as well stay single.

 

Maybe I am naive and I don't know how the online dating goes, but I felt disgusted. I am thinking to get a break from dating at the moment.

 

Good Lord. I have a VERY STRONG FEELING that this arse-biscuit greatly exaggerated the enthusiasm of these other women towards him. In fact, I seriously doubt he's even dating any of them, or certainly not all of them...or maybe he went on one date but then saved the women's pictures precisely to show off to other women to "prove" he's some hot catch. Come on...that wasn't your experience--ya really think these other women got any different treatment than you got? I have reasons from my own, [similar] experience to believe this.

 

Let's see who agrees with me.

 

Oh, and, FWIW, I don't think you have to keep a spreadsheet or folder or any such thing of guys you're dating / chatting with online. You don't have to be a collector, just a seeker

[katiegrl]

Good Lord. I have a VERY STRONG FEELING that this arse-biscuit greatly exaggerated the enthusiasm of these other women towards him. In fact, I seriously doubt he's even dating any of them, or certainly not all of them...or maybe he went on one date but then saved the women's pictures precisely to show off to other women to "prove" he's some hot catch. Come on...that wasn't your experience--ya really think these other women got any different treatment than you got? I have reasons from my own, [similar] experience to believe this.

 

Let's see who agrees with me.

 

Oh, and, FWIW, I don't think you have to keep a spreadsheet or folder or any such thing of guys you're dating / chatting with online. You don't have to be a collector, just a seeker

 

I agree with you GC, except I will go one step further and say there ARE NO OTHER WOMEN.

 

The guy is completely full of crap.

 

And as I said earlier, I have no idea what his game is, but one thing I am confident of.... he still likes the OP and is bent because she refused to go back to his place on second date.

 

No guy would be going to all this effort if he wasn't into her.

Edited May 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[trippi1432]

I think the OP did the right thing in deleting him, even if he is (though doubtful) dating five women at the same time, she certainly shouldn't entertain any sort of relationship or friendship with this guy.

 

He may have revealed this to her since she "friend-zoned" him as either a manipulative way to make her jealous or as a way to snub her because she got tired of the drama and FZ'd him.

 

At any rate, he's shown his true colors with broken promises/dates/dinners....etc. He sounds totally unstable.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with you GC, except I will go one step further and say there ARE NO OTHER WOMEN.

 

The guy is completely full of crap.

 

And as I said earlier, I have no idea what his game is, but one thing I am confident of.... he still likes the OP and is bent because she refused to go back to his place on second date.

 

No guy would be going to all this effort if he wasn't into her.

 

I suspect there are NO other women, as well; I was just trying to play devil's advocate and give him *some* benefit of doubt.

 

And definitely, however little truth there was in it, the whole charade was his way of bolstering up his denial in the face of OP's rejection.

 

Glad you decided to next him, OP.

[AnnaN88]

I suspect there are NO other women, as well; I was just trying to play devil's advocate and give him *some* benefit of doubt.

 

And definitely, however little truth there was in it, the whole charade was his way of bolstering up his denial in the face of OP's rejection.

 

Glad you decided to next him, OP.

 

I think that deep inside the guy has some issues. Probably lack of self esteem.

 

I am disappointed because I had a great vibe on our first date. Same on the second. I even told him that I had a great time with him, not sure how he jumped at the conclusion that I was not interested. On our last talked he mentioned " I honestly didn't get any sense that you even thought I was even vaguely attractive". What was I supposed to do? Jump on him directly? ?Like the other 5 ladies?

[preraph]

A quick update of the story: I had a long but rather useful chat with the guy, so I told him that we should stay " just friends".

 

At the end I asked him how was the dating going. He then replied " do you want to have a full picture of it?" I thought he would give an evasive answer. Hell no! He sent me pictures of 5 women he is dating at the moment. I was shocked! He started to point out the pros and cons for every girl, intimate pictures that those girls sent, he mentioned the ones who were performing well in bed or not. Apparently all of them are head over heels for him. He had a folder where he kept track of the dates!

 

Some women would even sent poems to him, but he said he was not sure what to do. All these ladies ( some are his friends on Facebook so his story was not invented) are all good looking. He even planned a week abroad to visit one of the girls( who works in the same company and wants a serious relationship with him).

He said " I am a good catch, I have a good job, a nice house, I am well educated etc" He works in investment banking, but he is the average guy, not extremely good looking. Is this the norm for online dating ? At least 5 women per man? If this is the truth, I might as well stay single.

 

Maybe I am naive and I don't know how the online dating goes, but I felt disgusted. I am thinking to get a break from dating at the moment.

 

This is not a typical guy. This guy is propping himself up by flaunting how many women he can get. He probably actually has some crap self-esteem to be overcompensating this much. Anyway, it doesn't get much more "thinks of women as objects" as that, and you should just run.

[Versacehottie]

I think that deep inside the guy has some issues. Probably lack of self esteem.

 

I am disappointed because I had a great vibe on our first date. Same on the second. I even told him that I had a great time with him, not sure how he jumped at the conclusion that I was not interested. On our last talked he mentioned " I honestly didn't get any sense that you even thought I was even vaguely attractive". What was I supposed to do? Jump on him directly? ?Like the other 5 ladies?

 

I was gonna say: ego issues. Black pit, especially at his age. Abort, abort. lol