I made that horrible mistake

[nutcracker]

That I never wanted to. A guy I had been talking to messaged me at 2 am Friday night and was wondering why I had stopped talking to him (he had been talking about himself for so long every time we chatted that I got quite bored), then asked me out. Initially I was happy he did, as he was quite interesting to talk to, but then I suspected he may have been drunk (which turned out to be true).

 

I had a great first date with him the next night, and later he asked if I wanted to crash at his apartment, but I declined. The next day he invited me to watch a movie at his place in the night, and being the idiot I was, went over. Naturally, there was no movie, he just wanted to make out. Which we did, but the next day I felt terrible. Now he sees me as the "easy girl", who has no inhibitions. Which is pretty much the picture I gave him, so it is my fault, and now I hate myself. I have just been beating myself up everyday over this. How do I get my self respect back?

 

Let me just throw in this disclaimer that I am very new to dating, so if I sound naive beyond belief, this maybe a contributing factor.

[S2B]

Don't do actions that make you feel inferior about yourself.

 

If you go to his house - he's going to expect some things physical... So if you're not comfortable with that only go if he asks you OUT in a date.

 

Take your own car or plan transportation for yourself and leave when you want to.

 

Do not do things you're uncomfortable doing - for any man!

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok. Instead of looking at this in a negative light, think of it this way:

You were sucker-punched - but you were lucky.

 

You're alive, and you've learnt from your experience.

Now you know two things about yourself.

One is that, whatever you think he might believe, you are not "that kind of girl".

 

And that's ok; but let me add - there's absolutely nothing wrong with 'being that kind of girl', if that's what you'd like. It takes all sorts to make a world. You did it. Now, it's over.

 

Two: You now have a better idea of how to recognise the signs of a guy who just wants sex. (hint: sadly, a lot of guys really do just want that - asap. It's not a negative fault, it's just the way some guys are wired. Guys more often than not, like sex and want it. Often.)

 

He didn't hurt you. Hopefully, you weren't forced.

 

If he was a pleasing lover, then just try to enjoy the situation. (I know that's hard, but really, 99% of sex is having fun!)

 

If he wasn't, then it's worth noting what you liked and what you didn't like.

 

But please: Try to NOT beat yourself over the head.

Life can be tough; you will probably encounter some hurdles, setbacks and problems which will be more than enough to do that to you, without you adding to the mix.

 

Don't carry this as a burden.

Look for the positives in it.

But next time, when you think 'no', stick to your guns.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

He may well come back for more.

Just tell him you're now dating someone else, and are not available, but thanks for the call!

 

And move on.

[nutcracker]

Ok. Instead of looking at this in a negative light, think of it this way:

You were sucker-punched - but you were lucky.

 

You're alive, and you've learnt from your experience.

Now you know two things about yourself.

One is that, whatever you think he might believe, you are not "that kind of girl".

 

And that's ok; but let me add - there's absolutely nothing wrong with 'being that kind of girl', if that's what you'd like. It takes all sorts to make a world. You did it. Now, it's over.

 

Two: You now have a better idea of how to recognise the signs of a guy who just wants sex. (hint: sadly, a lot of guys really do just want that - asap. It's not a negative fault, it's just the way some guys are wired. Guys more often than not, like sex and want it. Often.)

 

He didn't hurt you. Hopefully, you weren't forced.

 

If he was a pleasing lover, then just try to enjoy the situation. (I know that's hard, but really, 99% of sex is having fun!)

 

If he wasn't, then it's worth noting what you liked and what you didn't like.

 

But please: Try to NOT beat yourself over the head.

Life can be tough; you will probably encounter some hurdles, setbacks and problems which will be more than enough to do that to you, without you adding to the mix.

 

Don't carry this as a burden.

Look for the positives in it.

But next time, when you think 'no', stick to your guns.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

He may well come back for more.

Just tell him you're now dating someone else, and are not available, but thanks for the call!

 

And move on.

 

Thank you both, for understanding me.

 

I know that there is nothing wrong with being "that kind of girl", but its not who I am. I didn't have sex with him, I only ever want to have sex with the man I really love, but even without the sex, it was quite a lot. He wasn't into me either I guess, and he had some bad breakups in the past because of which he just wanted a no-strings attached relationship. Which is fine, but although I wasn't looking for anything serious either, I did not want to get sexual with a guy I just met.

 

He did not force me into anything, luckily, or hurt me. But I guess I should stick to not seeing him again....

[fawnlawn]

There's nothing wrong with making out - or even having sex - different people have different preferences. If he seems like an interesting guy maybe you can salvage things and just tell him you might have rushed into things a little too fast. If he seemed on the creepier side and like he just wanted sex, **** it, cut him off because people who want completely different things when it comes to relationships aren't necessary to have around in my opinion.

[strawberryshortstack]

That I never wanted to. A guy I had been talking to messaged me at 2 am Friday night and was wondering why I had stopped talking to him (he had been talking about himself for so long every time we chatted that I got quite bored), then asked me out. Initially I was happy he did, as he was quite interesting to talk to, but then I suspected he may have been drunk (which turned out to be true).

 

I had a great first date with him the next night, and later he asked if I wanted to crash at his apartment, but I declined. The next day he invited me to watch a movie at his place in the night, and being the idiot I was, went over. Naturally, there was no movie, he just wanted to make out. Which we did, but the next day I felt terrible. Now he sees me as the "easy girl", who has no inhibitions. Which is pretty much the picture I gave him, so it is my fault, and now I hate myself. I have just been beating myself up everyday over this. How do I get my self respect back?

 

Let me just throw in this disclaimer that I am very new to dating, so if I sound naive beyond belief, this maybe a contributing factor.

 

You can't change the past, obviously, but to regain your self-respect, you have to set some boundaries and stick to them. In other words - don't let this happen again.

[nutcracker]

There's nothing wrong with making out - or even having sex - different people have different preferences. If he seems like an interesting guy maybe you can salvage things and just tell him you might have rushed into things a little too fast. If he seemed on the creepier side and like he just wanted sex, **** it, cut him off because people who want completely different things when it comes to relationships aren't necessary to have around in my opinion.

 

Well I'm glad you have been empathetic. I told my friend who said I let him think I was too easy, and I should not have spent too much time with him on the first date, or replied to a 2 am text. I didn't like the way it made me feel. It didn't help that per se, I was pretty unhappy.

 

I really appreciate your support.

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[nutcracker]

You can't change the past, obviously, but to regain your self-respect, you have to set some boundaries and stick to them. In other words - don't let this happen again.

 

I understand. I have decided to be a little more firm with boundaries, and understand signals too.

[TaraMaiden2]

Young guys like sex.

They think of it as a status symbol (Just look at all the threads from guys who post "Eek! I'm XX years old and still a virgin!" type threads...)

So for young guys (and I'm talking anything up to the age of 28 - 30) having sex is not only part of the deal, it's of paramount significance.

 

GENERALLY SPEAKING - young guys also feel the 'need' for sex.

 

I think, to begin with, we're wired differently; Girls love to flirt, be admired and desired but don't necessary see the sexual act as being part of the package deal - they're quite happy, truth be known, to tease, flirt, be sexy and get guys going - without going all the way themselves.

Girls can go without sex. Guys feel they have to have it, both for physical release and to be able to at least know they can get it.

 

Don't get me wrong. There is a secondary camp, for both genders -

 

Some girls are passionate about sex, and enjoy it frequently and with variety.

And that's ok.

Some guys are more reserved, particular and not so highly-charged. And that's ok too.

 

But when you - as "nutcracker" meet a young guy, chances are that he will fall into the former camp, rather than the latter.

A Young guy will more often than not be chatting you up with a particular objective.

 

There's nothing wrong with that.

Just be aware of it.

[smudge21]

Take some of that power away that you feel you've now given him by playing at his game should he ever get back in touch. Just tell him no thanks, although it was good and what you wanted right then (make out it was you calling the shots) it's not something you'd want to repeat with him... but it would be nice to still be friends (then of course, never contact him again). Nothing worse to a player to be friend zoned after making his moves!

 

 

As others have said, you can't change the past, so over thinking it and living in regret will get you nowhere. Learn from it and realise that you did what you felt like doing at the time. No harm in that and you did get out alive. Next time just ask about the film, bring popcorn and drop the hint that it's the wrong time of the month so you may be a bit cranky.

[Toodaloo]

Do not be ashamed of yourself.

 

Do not fret about this.

 

Do not bother to see him again.

 

Do hold your head up and smile.

 

Do go out and feel proud of yourself and who you are.

 

Do move on and date other guys.

 

You can easily switch your thinking here. This guy was just a practice make out session. He wants more so you know for sure you are good at it. Thats one box ticked! Now find a guy worthy of those sublime make out sessions!

[Lovelorn00]

We’re in the same boat, nutcracker, and I actually posted about it recently. I’m not usually the kind of girl who will even make out with someone on the first date, but I ended up kissing this guy who ran some pretty impressive game on me all of last weekend. We didn’t have sex, but I know now that’s all he wanted. As others have responded to my post (in particular, Katiegrl), you have to see it as a victory – a dodged bullet. Take away some lessons from it and learn what to look out for going forward. Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.

[elaine567]

I made that horrible mistake - ONCE.

Just don't make it again.

[smackie9]

Did you not enjoy it? Had a good time anyways? If you did then there is nothing to be ashamed of.

BTW it wouldn't have mattered if you waited or not, he already had it in his mind that it was only about sex so stop beating yourself up over it. You are not lesser of a person than from before. It was one night of release, you are an adult, it's ok.