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dating a man with aspergers


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hey, so the title of this post is pretty self explanatory, but i was just wanting some advice from those who have either dated someone with aspergers, or have it themselves.

 

so I have recently started dating this guy with aspergers, and literally, i feel like I have died and gone to heaven, because he appears to be the most genuine, kind, and sweet man, and he's very easy on the eye too- I cant quite believe I have him all to myself!

 

The thing is, I have never dated a man with aspergers before, and I would like some advice in a few areas:

 

1. he always feels as if he is being 'awkward', he isn't that confident a person, and I honestly don't think he is as awkward as he perceives himself to be. I am always trying to find him good things to tell him about himself, because I get the impression he has a very low self esteem. There are often times i'm happy sitting in silence, and then he'll just apologise for being awkward. I do explain that I don't feel awkward around him at all, and something it's nice just to do nothing.

 

2. I can be quite an affectionate person, and he has had girlfriends before, but I don't know how to read his body language. I don't know if he is just being 'nice' sometimes, or if he actually wants to cuddle up together- i literally have no idea! any time I ask him if he is comfortable- he responds 'I don't mind', but I know he is an extremely nice person, and may just be going along with it.

 

3. things are moving quite slowly between us, I'm trying to go at his pace with things, but from what I gather people with AS can hold back from physical interaction. or maybe because he's so nice, he's waiting for me- i can be quite shy, so I have no idea.

 

4. I don't really know how to approach the subject, if I even need to, and if I did, i'm not sure what questions I would ask. Is there anything that may make him feel more comfortable?

 

5. We laugh together. A lot. he makes me laugh until I cry sometimes, and that's a lot of fun, and sometimes I would want to go in for a kiss, but I get really shy. If i want any kind of physical interaction, I have to ask for it- i'm not sure if that's a normal thing, or that's a confidence thing?

 

I like this guy so much, and just want it to work out!

 

thanks

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Just read up on the disorder. The one thing that sticks out is they can't read social cues. He won't know if you are flirting, he won't understand what your smile means, he won't know if you are happy or upset....it's very difficult for them to detect mood, read body language, or even show how they are feeling because they just can't relate.

 

So if you don't make a move or hesitate, he may take it as rejection not shyness, so you better work on your confidence because obviously he struggles with his own.

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My best advice is pretty simple. Be yourself. If you feel like cuddling, cuddle up and let him deal with encouraging it or not. Relax a little. That will make him relax more. No, I have not dealt with it, so I hope others on here have. But you have to be who you are and let him deal with it in his own way and maybe you both have to learn some new cues.

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so you better work on your confidence because obviously he struggles with his own.

 

I'm very confident- if I know someone want's to do the same thing- it's more about not overwhelming him with interaction to be honest! he was very upfront about his AS, which I really appreciate, because on one aspect, I can totally chill out, he's so logical! but on the other hand, I guess I do just need to suck it up and go for it! x

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I have a few friends with varying levels of AS. A few things:

 

1. You have to be really straightforward with him. He won't pick up on "vibes" and it is totally unfair to expect him to.

 

2. When he's being sociable and charming - you have to understand that is an act. That's a well honed persona that he puts on. That's not the real him. He's not being fake or anything - he's just putting on that persona because it works better.

 

3. When you get into an argument or turn to him for emotional support - don't expect him to "get it". He won't. It doesn't mean that he won't be concerned for you or care about you, he just won't "get it" because he can't empathize with you.

 

4. Speak his language because he's trying to speak yours. Like I said above, he'll be sociable and charming because he's trying to speak your language. His language is logic and reason. If you spend time speaking his language he will be forever grateful because it is native to him. It makes sense to him. That's where he'll feel a connection. That's where you'll make sense. Think about it from an argument perspective. You can feel both empathy and understand logic. He can show empathy but lives in logic and reason. So when things get difficult, resort to his native tongue and I think you'll find the sledding easier.

 

5. When you're ready you can always ask him to feel comfortable sharing more of the "real him". People with AS learn at a very young age to wear masks and keep their inner persona private so he might be very cautious to share that with you fully. And when you do see it, it might be very different from the guy you know. That's just how it is.

 

6. Lastly, people with AS (they're usually men by the way) LOVE to problem solve. So if you're looking for things to do together consider stuff like board games, puzzles, crosswords, geo-caching, putting something together, building something etc... Those are intensely satisfying for him.

 

EDIT: One last thing about people with AS keeping their inner nesting doll private and wearing masks - don't mistake it for shame. It is nothing like that. It is just that they see wearing the "masks" as a more efficient way to be part of the system. It just works better. Also, they're not emotionless Vulcans or anything. They can feel emotions just as intensely as the next person. Sometimes intensely so. It is just that they lack the empathetic context when it comes to expressing those emotions.

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thankyou so much!

 

I don't think he's really been charming, I think I just really enjoy his honesty, its refreshing, and I just like how interesting he is, and I love the way he thinks about different aspects of things. I haven't really seen him be sociable either, as he doesn't appear to have many friends. I'm literally the opposite of autistic, I love social interaction, but i do like my own space, I just want to understand him more!

 

can you elaborate when you say speak their language? do you mean, mirror the way they speak, or speak about their interests? I try to do that, he could talk about certain topics all day, and I could listen to it!

 

I think the last time we hung out, I was trying to hint to him that I wanted a bit more physical interaction. eventually I just asked for it, so I have learned that when I want something, I ask for it. He does seem to go with what I want to do, and I'm not sure if that's him just being nice, or him just doing what I want because he's not sure how to ask for what he wants?

 

also, maybe a strange question- are your friends with AS sexual beings? x

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Oh, Asperger's! I first thought you said, "Dating a man with asparagus!"

 

I'm just kidding. Others have already given excellent advice.

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Stop trying figure him out without asking. He's probably trying to do the same with you because that's what he's always done with everyone and the two of you will get nowhere.

 

Instead of guesswork, start communicating. "Hey, how much do you enjoy snuggling on the sofa?" "We haven't really talked about sex. I'm keen if you are"

 

If you don't know if he's doing something to be nice or it's because he wants to do it, just ask. But only do so if he's far more agreeable than the average guy you've dated. Remember, ll of us do stuff because our partner wants it from time to time because it's part of a good relationship. Don't overthink what is normal.

 

Some AS people are highly sexual and some aren't. Just like the rest of us.

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yeah, i'm definitely going to sit down and speak with him about it- it doesn't need to be a big deal- you've put that in a good way so it doesn't need to be a high pressure chat or anything.

 

I think he enjoys physical contact- he literally held me all night when we were asleep, and he literally squeezed me and nuzzled into me a few times whilst asleep, so i'm sure he's not so uncomfortable with it, more initiating it. I have told him i'm an affectionate person, he has old me he isn't. I guess we will have a small chat about what we do and don't like!

 

figuring people out when dating is the whole point though, and it's part of the fun, I just wanted to get a little more insight to dating a guy with AS seeing as i really like him and all!

 

thanks for your advice- will definitely take it on board! x

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OP: Sure thing. By speaking his native tongue I mean logic and reason. Here, let me give you an example Let's say he shares a story with you about an ex-girlfriend - that is a totally normal this for an Asperian to do by the way. Instead of getting your feelings hurt and showing you displeasure or even going so far as to say, "that hurt my feelings". Say this instead. "I hurts my feelings when you talk about your ex-girlfriend because it makes me think of you with another woman and that's an ikcy thought". The "because" is your friend and without it, it is just another societal "rule" that doesn't make sense but somehow must be obeyed. The more you have "because" in your sentences the more you make sense to him.

 

Some other suggestions. If you two are attending a party, tell him what your expectations are of him but also of the two of you. Where simply saying, "lets mingle and have fun!" might be fine for a non-AS person, you'll find much easier sledding if you say, "I'd like to stay for 2 hours and mingle as a couple." He totally will appreciate that. He might not agree with your parameters but at least you'll be speaking the same language about expressed expectations.

 

I got a chuckle out of what you said about getting physical. You need to take all of the "dance" and throw it in the trash with him. Seduction to an Asperian is very confusing, frustrating and annoying. If you want to have sex - say it. When you do have sex don't rely on all of the non-verbal cues about telling him what you like and what you don't. He's not going to pick up on any of them. Tell him. "That drives me crazy" or "i love it when you..." Even criticisms are easier to convey, "i'm not a fan of..." He won't take it personally and will be grateful you communicating with him. Like I said - Asperians aren't devoid of emotion. It is just that they lack the ability to "feel" them from others - what we normally call empathy. He'll want to please you and that will in turn please him. He just needs some more direct communication on how to do that. It works vice versa too - encourage him to be direct with you. And don't be taken aback when he is. It is a relief to an Asperian when they can be direct rather than trying to play by rules they don't "get".

 

As for being sexual beings - interesting question. They're just like everyone else in the sex drive aspect - all over the board. I have two friends with diagnosed AS. One is married and seemingly happily so. Two kids, the whole nine yards. I am not all that close to him to know about his sex life.

 

My other friend with AS is kind of mixed up right now. He's 33 - never been married. He's very good looking but used to be pretty socially awkward. Came across as introverted. He struggled with relationships as he often came on very intense. By the way, that's another thing you need to know - most Asperians have a hyperfocus that is way beyond what most people would consider "normal".

 

Ok back to my friend. About a year and a half ago he stumbled upon the whole Pick Up Artist thing and got really focused on it. He's now quite the player and is constantly talking about his system and what improvements he's made to it. It is sort of destructive behavior because he views women as interesting problems to solve or locks to pick. The whole seduction/dating dance was impossible for him. Now with his "system" he pretty much seduces or tries to seduce anything that walks. He's pretty good at it too.

 

But it only goes as far as the initial hook up or maybe repeated hook ups. Again, the systematic approach to seducing women is what he finds so pleasing rather than the actual women themselves. I am probably unfairly characterizing him but that's just my two cents.

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hey, so the title of this post is pretty self explanatory, but i was just wanting some advice from those who have either dated someone with aspergers, or have it themselves.

 

so I have recently started dating this guy with aspergers, and literally, i feel like I have died and gone to heaven, because he appears to be the most genuine, kind, and sweet man, and he's very easy on the eye too- I cant quite believe I have him all to myself!

 

The thing is, I have never dated a man with aspergers before, and I would like some advice in a few areas:

 

1. he always feels as if he is being 'awkward', he isn't that confident a person, and I honestly don't think he is as awkward as he perceives himself to be. I am always trying to find him good things to tell him about himself, because I get the impression he has a very low self esteem. There are often times i'm happy sitting in silence, and then he'll just apologise for being awkward. I do explain that I don't feel awkward around him at all, and something it's nice just to do nothing.

One thing to keep firmly in mind is that being in a social situation takes effort.

 

It's like they can't learn social skills on an intuitive level so that it comes naturally. So they have to learn their social skills. Think of it like programming all of the rules of social conduct into a calculator. Think of the calculator as a mental software program he has to expend mental effort keep open and running the entire time he is in a social situation. Then he plugs what he is seeing into the calculator and gets the answer back about what to do.

 

The more complicated the situation, the more there is going on the more he has to concentrate on the calculator feeding all this information into it and spending time looking at the answers.

 

This takes effort, causes stress, and makes him feel awkward. That's what he's telling you when he says that.

 

How well he's learned his social skills and how much he trusts the answers his calculator is giving him could also be a factor.

 

The less you care about etiquette or social conduct, and the more verbally reassuring you can be that it doesn't bother you when he does something socially inappropriate, the less effort he'll have to put into this.

 

When he says he feels awkward, if you can tell him not to worry about doing something wrong or inappropriate, and mean it, that might help.

 

Make the point that you don't care about superficial behavior. If he cares about you and consistently shows it over time, that's what you care about. You care about the big picture, not superficial social conduct.

 

2. I can be quite an affectionate person, and he has had girlfriends before, but I don't know how to read his body language. I don't know if he is just being 'nice' sometimes, or if he actually wants to cuddle up together- i literally have no idea! any time I ask him if he is comfortable- he responds 'I don't mind', but I know he is an extremely nice person, and may just be going along with it.

 

He can't read you either.

 

He doesn't know how to send or receive non-verbal messages.

 

Communication is going to have to be verbal.

 

The problem is he doesn't know what is appropriate to ask for or when it's appropriate to ask. On top of this, you are shy.

 

Somehow you're going to have to tell him the types of things you're comfortable doing and encourage him to ask for those things when he's interested. Or something like that anyway.

 

Maybe there would be an indirect way of having this conversation by asking him how fast he was comfortable doing which kinds of things how soon in other relationships.

 

3. things are moving quite slowly between us, I'm trying to go at his pace with things, but from what I gather people with AS can hold back from physical interaction. or maybe because he's so nice, he's waiting for me- i can be quite shy, so I have no idea.

 

Verbal communication is going to be the only way to get answers.

 

Tell him what you're comfortable with. Encourage him to tell you what he's comfortable with. Verbally ask him when you want something. Encourage him to verbally ask you.

 

At some point, if you're communicating enough about this stuff you may get to the point where you can just ask about whether there is some limit comfort with physical interaction. Or maybe you can get a sense from discussing past relationships with him. Eventually, you'll find out with time.

 

4. I don't really know how to approach the subject, if I even need to, and if I did, i'm not sure what questions I would ask. Is there anything that may make him feel more comfortable?

 

There may be no one conversation that would do it anyway. That's because it's not just the content that needs to be communicated. The two of you also need to both be comfortable with feeling you can directly verbally talk about anything.

 

Even after he knows you're comfortable with cuddling, he may not ask for it because he doesn't know whether now is an appropriate time to ask. You need to encourage him to ask and tell him he can ask any time and if he asks sometime when it wont work for you, you'll let him know and not hold it against him for having asked. Over time he will learn that any time he wants it, he can ask. That way he doesn't need to figure out when it's appropriate to ask, because he's got no way of doing that.

 

Just, over time start telling him what you're comfortable with and what you want. Encourage him to do the same.

 

Over time encourage him to ask for stuff when he wants. Tell him that there's never a bad time to ask and that if you end up saying no, nothing will count against him for having asked. Otherwise, he may never ask you for what he wants because he can never tell if now is an appropriate time to ask.

 

Over time show him that it's not going to bother you when he does something socially inappropriate. Show him that stuff is superficial and unimportant to you and what matters is how he feels and that he treats you consistently with how he feels over time in the big picture.

 

5. We laugh together. A lot. he makes me laugh until I cry sometimes, and that's a lot of fun, and sometimes I would want to go in for a kiss, but I get really shy. If i want any kind of physical interaction, I have to ask for it- i'm not sure if that's a normal thing, or that's a confidence thing?

 

If you want something, you're probably going to have to ask for it.

 

I saw one of the other posters talk about empathy. It's not that he can't care about what you're feeling. He may be fully capable of caring what you're feeling, he just has no way to tell what you're feeling. He just can't read you. So, that's another part of the non-verbal world that you're going to have to use explicit verbal communication for.

 

Tell him how your feeling and encourage him to tell you.

 

That's also the only way you get around things like him going along with something because he's just being nice. That's a very real risk until you guys get comfortable communicating about everything verbally.

 

Another risk you have before you get enough communication going is that he may try to read you and reach a wrong conclusion. Encourage him to ask you if he's ever worried about anything. If he ever does draw a wrong conclusion from your behavior, encourage him to always ask about that type of thing in the future.

 

Once you guys are further down the road and you're both comfortable with each other physically, there may be some things you can drop the communication about. Like not having to ask about every kiss. But there may be other things that you're always going to have to do. For example, you may always have to telling him how you're feeling if you're in a bad mood so that he knows because otherwise, he's going to be oblivious to it.

 

 

.

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One thing to keep firmly in mind is that being in a social situation takes effort.

 

It's like they can't learn social skills on an intuitive level so that it comes naturally. So they have to learn their social skills. Think of it like programming all of the rules of social conduct into a calculator. Think of the calculator as a mental software program he has to expend mental effort keep open and running the entire time he is in a social situation. Then he plugs what he is seeing into the calculator and gets the answer back about what to do.

 

The more complicated the situation, the more there is going on the more he has to concentrate on the calculator feeding all this information into it and spending time looking at the answers.

 

This takes effort, causes stress, and makes him feel awkward. That's what he's telling you when he says that.

 

How well he's learned his social skills and how much he trusts the answers his calculator is giving him could also be a factor.

 

The less you care about etiquette or social conduct, and the more verbally reassuring you can be that it doesn't bother you when he does something socially inappropriate, the less effort he'll have to put into this.

 

When he says he feels awkward, if you can tell him not to worry about doing something wrong or inappropriate, and mean it, that might help.

 

Make the point that you don't care about superficial behavior. If he cares about you and consistently shows it over time, that's what you care about. You care about the big picture, not superficial social conduct.

 

 

 

He can't read you either.

 

He doesn't know how to send or receive non-verbal messages.

 

Communication is going to have to be verbal.

 

The problem is he doesn't know what is appropriate to ask for or when it's appropriate to ask. On top of this, you are shy.

 

Somehow you're going to have to tell him the types of things you're comfortable doing and encourage him to ask for those things when he's interested. Or something like that anyway.

 

Maybe there would be an indirect way of having this conversation by asking him how fast he was comfortable doing which kinds of things how soon in other relationships.

 

 

 

Verbal communication is going to be the only way to get answers.

 

Tell him what you're comfortable with. Encourage him to tell you what he's comfortable with. Verbally ask him when you want something. Encourage him to verbally ask you.

 

At some point, if you're communicating enough about this stuff you may get to the point where you can just ask about whether there is some limit comfort with physical interaction. Or maybe you can get a sense from discussing past relationships with him. Eventually, you'll find out with time.

 

 

 

There may be no one conversation that would do it anyway. That's because it's not just the content that needs to be communicated. The two of you also need to both be comfortable with feeling you can directly verbally talk about anything.

 

Even after he knows you're comfortable with cuddling, he may not ask for it because he doesn't know whether now is an appropriate time to ask. You need to encourage him to ask and tell him he can ask any time and if he asks sometime when it wont work for you, you'll let him know and not hold it against him for having asked. Over time he will learn that any time he wants it, he can ask. That way he doesn't need to figure out when it's appropriate to ask, because he's got no way of doing that.

 

Just, over time start telling him what you're comfortable with and what you want. Encourage him to do the same.

 

Over time encourage him to ask for stuff when he wants. Tell him that there's never a bad time to ask and that if you end up saying no, nothing will count against him for having asked. Otherwise, he may never ask you for what he wants because he can never tell if now is an appropriate time to ask.

 

Over time show him that it's not going to bother you when he does something socially inappropriate. Show him that stuff is superficial and unimportant to you and what matters is how he feels and that he treats you consistently with how he feels over time in the big picture.

 

 

 

If you want something, you're probably going to have to ask for it.

 

I saw one of the other posters talk about empathy. It's not that he can't care about what you're feeling. He may be fully capable of caring what you're feeling, he just has no way to tell what you're feeling. He just can't read you. So, that's another part of the non-verbal world that you're going to have to use explicit verbal communication for.

 

Tell him how your feeling and encourage him to tell you.

 

That's also the only way you get around things like him going along with something because he's just being nice. That's a very real risk until you guys get comfortable communicating about everything verbally.

 

Another risk you have before you get enough communication going is that he may try to read you and reach a wrong conclusion. Encourage him to ask you if he's ever worried about anything. If he ever does draw a wrong conclusion from your behavior, encourage him to always ask about that type of thing in the future.

 

Once you guys are further down the road and you're both comfortable with each other physically, there may be some things you can drop the communication about. Like not having to ask about every kiss. But there may be other things that you're always going to have to do. For example, you may always have to telling him how you're feeling if you're in a bad mood so that he knows because otherwise, he's going to be oblivious to it.

 

 

.

 

Do you know him? Don't speak for all Autistics. You know the saying: if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism.

 

OP, don't sweat this. Sounds like you guys are doing great! You're communicating and appreciating each other. Just keep talking like you have been and you'll be fine. So happy to hear how happy you two are together :)

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Do you know him? Don't speak for all Autistics. You know the saying: if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism.

 

OP, don't sweat this. Sounds like you guys are doing great! You're communicating and appreciating each other. Just keep talking like you have been and you'll be fine. So happy to hear how happy you two are together :)

 

Sorry. I was just trying to share what I found helpful. Of course it's personal opinion from my own experience. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Maybe I should have stated that.

 

I agree that it sounds like she is doing great. At the same time she asked for suggestions. I only meant to offer my own thoughts. Maybe I worded it too strongly. Sorry.

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JustGettingBy
hey, so the title of this post is pretty self explanatory, but i was just wanting some advice from those who have either dated someone with aspergers, or have it themselves.

 

so I have recently started dating this guy with aspergers, and literally, i feel like I have died and gone to heaven, because he appears to be the most genuine, kind, and sweet man, and he's very easy on the eye too- I cant quite believe I have him all to myself!

 

The thing is, I have never dated a man with aspergers before, and I would like some advice in a few areas:

 

1. he always feels as if he is being 'awkward', he isn't that confident a person, and I honestly don't think he is as awkward as he perceives himself to be. I am always trying to find him good things to tell him about himself, because I get the impression he has a very low self esteem. There are often times i'm happy sitting in silence, and then he'll just apologise for being awkward. I do explain that I don't feel awkward around him at all, and something it's nice just to do nothing.

 

2. I can be quite an affectionate person, and he has had girlfriends before, but I don't know how to read his body language. I don't know if he is just being 'nice' sometimes, or if he actually wants to cuddle up together- i literally have no idea! any time I ask him if he is comfortable- he responds 'I don't mind', but I know he is an extremely nice person, and may just be going along with it.

 

3. things are moving quite slowly between us, I'm trying to go at his pace with things, but from what I gather people with AS can hold back from physical interaction. or maybe because he's so nice, he's waiting for me- i can be quite shy, so I have no idea.

 

4. I don't really know how to approach the subject, if I even need to, and if I did, i'm not sure what questions I would ask. Is there anything that may make him feel more comfortable?

 

5. We laugh together. A lot. he makes me laugh until I cry sometimes, and that's a lot of fun, and sometimes I would want to go in for a kiss, but I get really shy. If i want any kind of physical interaction, I have to ask for it- i'm not sure if that's a normal thing, or that's a confidence thing?

 

I like this guy so much, and just want it to work out!

 

thanks

 

As someone with aspergers myself, I feel I should weigh in with some responses. Firstly, its nice to see you, and other posters, be positive and give genuine advice instead of bashing and saying it won't work. Self-esteem boost for the day. Wooot!

 

Now, on to part 2:

 

Many of the social rules for us aspies sound totally arbitrary or confusing. For example the 'lie to spare someone's feelings' thing up util recently to me felt like a form of sabotage. "If she's asking if she look good, anyone who lies is trying to make her look bad." I only recently picked up on it being a way to get gratification. There's no telling how many of the 'social rules' he knows.

 

The silent treatment will be the death of your relationship if you use it. I was going to be more in depth about this, but Mrin pretty much hit the nail on the head with the ex-gf example. You also may have to be direct

 

You may have to initiate contact yourself, but not too much at once. Sensory overload is a thing. He may not even know if you're comfortable with physical stuff, or it may be a comfort thing as well. Lots of potential issues here.

 

The body language thing is for me, almost global. The way you can't read him is similar to how I feel about almost everybody. He likely knows the basics, but you may have to exaggerate your body movements as first, or be direct. Contrary to popular belief, people with AS can learn body language, but are usually super-late bloomers, and may have to re-learn each individual's patterns.

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OP: Sure thing. By speaking his native tongue I mean logic and reason. Here, let me give you an example Let's say he shares a story with you about an ex-girlfriend - that is a totally normal this for an Asperian to do by the way. Instead of getting your feelings hurt and showing you displeasure or even going so far as to say, "that hurt my feelings". Say this instead. "I hurts my feelings when you talk about your ex-girlfriend because it makes me think of you with another woman and that's an ikcy thought". The "because" is your friend and without it, it is just another societal "rule" that doesn't make sense but somehow must be obeyed. The more you have "because" in your sentences the more you make sense to him.

 

Some other suggestions. If you two are attending a party, tell him what your expectations are of him but also of the two of you. Where simply saying, "lets mingle and have fun!" might be fine for a non-AS person, you'll find much easier sledding if you say, "I'd like to stay for 2 hours and mingle as a couple." He totally will appreciate that. He might not agree with your parameters but at least you'll be speaking the same language about expressed expectations.

 

My other friend with AS is kind of mixed up right now. He's 33 - never been married. He's very good looking but used to be pretty socially awkward. Came across as introverted. He struggled with relationships as he often came on very intense. By the way, that's another thing you need to know - most Asperians have a hyperfocus that is way beyond what most people would consider "normal".

 

Yes, he has asked me to explain things in more depth I have said, I like that he does ask me why sometimes, as That has made things clearer for myself- so i'm going to explain what I am hoping for out of certain situations, so then that way he can get used to my ways, and why I am maybe doing things.

 

I know what you mean about the hyperfocus, sometimes he can get so fixated on things, which is great to hear him getting excited about- he's literally a creative genius, and I come from a creative background myself, and really appreciate his work! he has told me he enjoys talking about the things he has worked on before, (beforehand he explained he was worried he sounded like a nerd), and I have explained I enjoy listening to him, so when I go to his, he shows me something new he has drawn or worked on, and can talk about it for ages, its great!

 

thankyou for this amazing advice!

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One thing to keep firmly in mind is that being in a social situation takes effort.

 

It's like they can't learn social skills on an intuitive level so that it comes naturally. So they have to learn their social skills. Think of it like programming all of the rules of social conduct into a calculator. Think of the calculator as a mental software program he has to expend mental effort keep open and running the entire time he is in a social situation. Then he plugs what he is seeing into the calculator and gets the answer back about what to do.

 

The more complicated the situation, the more there is going on the more he has to concentrate on the calculator feeding all this information into it and spending time looking at the answers.

 

This takes effort, causes stress, and makes him feel awkward. That's what he's telling you when he says that.

 

How well he's learned his social skills and how much he trusts the answers his calculator is giving him could also be a factor.

 

The less you care about etiquette or social conduct, and the more verbally reassuring you can be that it doesn't bother you when he does something socially inappropriate, the less effort he'll have to put into this.

 

When he says he feels awkward, if you can tell him not to worry about doing something wrong or inappropriate, and mean it, that might help.

 

Make the point that you don't care about superficial behavior. If he cares about you and consistently shows it over time, that's what you care about. You care about the big picture, not superficial social conduct.

 

 

 

He can't read you either.

 

He doesn't know how to send or receive non-verbal messages.

 

Communication is going to have to be verbal.

 

The problem is he doesn't know what is appropriate to ask for or when it's appropriate to ask. On top of this, you are shy.

 

Somehow you're going to have to tell him the types of things you're comfortable doing and encourage him to ask for those things when he's interested. Or something like that anyway.

 

Maybe there would be an indirect way of having this conversation by asking him how fast he was comfortable doing which kinds of things how soon in other relationships.

 

 

 

Verbal communication is going to be the only way to get answers.

 

Tell him what you're comfortable with. Encourage him to tell you what he's comfortable with. Verbally ask him when you want something. Encourage him to verbally ask you.

 

At some point, if you're communicating enough about this stuff you may get to the point where you can just ask about whether there is some limit comfort with physical interaction. Or maybe you can get a sense from discussing past relationships with him. Eventually, you'll find out with time.

 

 

 

There may be no one conversation that would do it anyway. That's because it's not just the content that needs to be communicated. The two of you also need to both be comfortable with feeling you can directly verbally talk about anything.

 

Even after he knows you're comfortable with cuddling, he may not ask for it because he doesn't know whether now is an appropriate time to ask. You need to encourage him to ask and tell him he can ask any time and if he asks sometime when it wont work for you, you'll let him know and not hold it against him for having asked. Over time he will learn that any time he wants it, he can ask. That way he doesn't need to figure out when it's appropriate to ask, because he's got no way of doing that.

 

Just, over time start telling him what you're comfortable with and what you want. Encourage him to do the same.

 

Over time encourage him to ask for stuff when he wants. Tell him that there's never a bad time to ask and that if you end up saying no, nothing will count against him for having asked. Otherwise, he may never ask you for what he wants because he can never tell if now is an appropriate time to ask.

 

Over time show him that it's not going to bother you when he does something socially inappropriate. Show him that stuff is superficial and unimportant to you and what matters is how he feels and that he treats you consistently with how he feels over time in the big picture.

 

 

 

If you want something, you're probably going to have to ask for it.

 

I saw one of the other posters talk about empathy. It's not that he can't care about what you're feeling. He may be fully capable of caring what you're feeling, he just has no way to tell what you're feeling. He just can't read you. So, that's another part of the non-verbal world that you're going to have to use explicit verbal communication for.

 

Tell him how your feeling and encourage him to tell you.

 

That's also the only way you get around things like him going along with something because he's just being nice. That's a very real risk until you guys get comfortable communicating about everything verbally.

 

Another risk you have before you get enough communication going is that he may try to read you and reach a wrong conclusion. Encourage him to ask you if he's ever worried about anything. If he ever does draw a wrong conclusion from your behavior, encourage him to always ask about that type of thing in the future.

 

Once you guys are further down the road and you're both comfortable with each other physically, there may be some things you can drop the communication about. Like not having to ask about every kiss. But there may be other things that you're always going to have to do. For example, you may always have to telling him how you're feeling if you're in a bad mood so that he knows because otherwise, he's going to be oblivious to it.

 

 

.

 

I've always reassured him that he's not at all awkward, and I'm not even lying to spare his feelings or anything, I genuinely don't feel awkward at all. I'm very confident in most social situations, and don't really get an awkward feeling, so i'm telling him the truth, and each time we hang out, I do ask him if he's comfortable. he will tell me if he's feeling awkward, or not, so I always tell him I dont feel awkward around him, and get him talking about something he likes to make him feel more comfortable.

 

I will explain myself going forward when feeling certain emotions maybe, so he can learn to pic up on my individual reactions to things, and that may make him feel more comfortable around me too!

 

and yes, now I will ask for what I want, I will tell him to say no if he's not comfortable with it. I feel like this could be a great thing, i've never communicated with someone so openly and honestly before!

 

=]=]=]

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Do you know him? Don't speak for all Autistics. You know the saying: if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism.

 

OP, don't sweat this. Sounds like you guys are doing great! You're communicating and appreciating each other. Just keep talking like you have been and you'll be fine. So happy to hear how happy you two are together :)

 

thankyou! I have never really had to think about this kind of thing before, so i probably am overthinking it a little, but thanks so much! I literally am so happy! xxx

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As someone with aspergers myself, I feel I should weigh in with some responses. Firstly, its nice to see you, and other posters, be positive and give genuine advice instead of bashing and saying it won't work. Self-esteem boost for the day. Wooot!

 

Now, on to part 2:

 

Many of the social rules for us aspies sound totally arbitrary or confusing. For example the 'lie to spare someone's feelings' thing up util recently to me felt like a form of sabotage. "If she's asking if she look good, anyone who lies is trying to make her look bad." I only recently picked up on it being a way to get gratification. There's no telling how many of the 'social rules' he knows.

 

The silent treatment will be the death of your relationship if you use it. I was going to be more in depth about this, but Mrin pretty much hit the nail on the head with the ex-gf example. You also may have to be direct

 

You may have to initiate contact yourself, but not too much at once. Sensory overload is a thing. He may not even know if you're comfortable with physical stuff, or it may be a comfort thing as well. Lots of potential issues here.

 

The body language thing is for me, almost global. The way you can't read him is similar to how I feel about almost everybody. He likely knows the basics, but you may have to exaggerate your body movements as first, or be direct. Contrary to popular belief, people with AS can learn body language, but are usually super-late bloomers, and may have to re-learn each individual's patterns.

 

 

I'm quite bad at picking up aspergers, i've never, ever noticed it! i used to know someone with it, and I thought his eccentricity was amazing, like the coolest kid in school! i'm quite eccentric sometimes myself, and I like individuality. I also am a very honest person, and have always appreciated honesty, whether blunt or not, and I think that's what draws me to this guy so much: his eccentricity, individuality, and honesty.

 

I will ask him about his sensory feeling- but I now, looking back, am realising that I think he really enjoys feeling things. This is going by what he has explained to me before about touching things before.

 

I wouldn't use the silent treatment, in fact he said he finds it kind of incredible how much I can talk sometimes, (another example of his honesty =]) and I know I'm a chatterbox, but going forward maybe I should explain my feeling toward something more!

 

great to hear from someone with AS, as its great insight, I just want him to feel as comfortable as possible around me to be himself!

 

thanks!

 

xxx

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