Rko28 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Long story short I'm about to get involved with someone that I'm really not sure if I should. I have a friend, whilst I wouldn't call him a best friend we have known each other for about 7 years, he's in the loop with my close friends and we have all gone on holiday. He's a great lad and we get on really well, we speak most days albeit through group messages and are both involved with our friends activities. He had a gf for 2 years and they split up last summer, from day one I met his gf I thought she was lovely but obviously stopped short of anything. They broke up last summer in a friendly manner, I don't think they wish bad on each other. Just before Christmas we got talking on a night out and spent most the evening chatting, we got on really well, the next day she messaged on Facebook asking how my head was etc, we swapped a few messages but that's it. Later on that week we were both at a party and again talked lots, I walked her home as she missed her taxi and we ended up kissing. I felt bad on my friend but at the same time happy with her. She gave me her number to text when I got in safe as it was a 3 mile walk home for me. Since that day we've text everyday, recently she's made it clear she has feelings for me and would like to maybe meet up for a drink/walk just to see how we get on. I explained how torn I feel and she understands but thinks it's not that big of a deal. We continue to talk everyday. I guess me asking this question shows that my friends feelings mean a lot to me, I confided in one mutual friend who said not to do anything with her. I'd like a neutrals opinion, obviously none of you wil know the make up of my friends group, whilst it wouldn't tear us apart I think things could be awkward for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Long story short I'm about to get involved with someone that I'm really not sure if I should. I have a friend, whilst I wouldn't call him a best friend we have known each other for about 7 years, he's in the loop with my close friends and we have all gone on holiday. He's a great lad and we get on really well, we speak most days albeit through group messages and are both involved with our friends activities. He had a gf for 2 years and they split up last summer, from day one I met his gf I thought she was lovely but obviously stopped short of anything. They broke up last summer in a friendly manner, I don't think they wish bad on each other. Just before Christmas we got talking on a night out and spent most the evening chatting, we got on really well, the next day she messaged on Facebook asking how my head was etc, we swapped a few messages but that's it. Later on that week we were both at a party and again talked lots, I walked her home as she missed her taxi and we ended up kissing. I felt bad on my friend but at the same time happy with her. She gave me her number to text when I got in safe as it was a 3 mile walk home for me. Since that day we've text everyday, recently she's made it clear she has feelings for me and would like to maybe meet up for a drink/walk just to see how we get on. I explained how torn I feel and she understands but thinks it's not that big of a deal. We continue to talk everyday. I guess me asking this question shows that my friends feelings mean a lot to me, I confided in one mutual friend who said not to do anything with her. I'd like a neutrals opinion, obviously none of you wil know the make up of my friends group, whilst it wouldn't tear us apart I think things could be awkward for a while. If you really like her go for it. I'd let your friend know first though. The issue that comes up in these situations is usually a falling out because of deceit I.e hiding your new found interest or relationship with his ex from him. Best to be up front about it. Just drop him a message and say to him you've been bumping into his ex (her name) a lot and are planning on asking her out but wanted to let him know first as you consider him a good friend. Don't ask for his permission. She isn't his property just because he dated her once just let him know. Just be clear and direct. I'm sure he'll appreciate your honesty and might surprise you by not being bothered by it at all. You say they ended on good terms so he might surprise you. Edited February 9, 2016 by 266696687 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 The absolute worst thing you can do is go behind your friend's back. That is betrayal. Talk to your friend first before you go any further. Explain that you have strong feelings for her. Find out how he feels and proceed from there. Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 She's single. You're single. It's no one else's business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 But what if I tell him all this, he's kinda angry about it but I proceed, the. We date and find out there's nothing there? Would have caused a lot of friction for no reason at all? Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Possibly, but then that's his problem not yours. If she's single then she is free to date whoever she likes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 still in a state of flux with this. Met her at a party at the weekend and ended the night together again. No sex or anything. She told me she really likes me and if I want shes happy to keep it quiet for a bit until I tell him. I should also say hes currently with a new girl at the minute Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 He is not your best friend so what's the problem? Date her. And do as someone else said: just inform your friend. It's none of his business anyway. Besides he already has a new gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Talk to your friend and just tell him you fancy her. You can drop hints or do it directly. Personally I would go directly and ask if he would have a problem with it as you don't really want to step on any toes but you like her. See how it goes. Oh and OP always best to have these conversations face to face. That way if he says fine but you can see his body language says its not you can back off. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Its nice of you to care about your friends feelings Its not a nice thing to be dating your friends exes. But i think this is maybe a little different. If you really like her you can go for it. But for sure let your friend know that you like her and that you and her are seeing each other or what ever it is before you go out in the open with it. It would be "heartless" for him to just hear it true other people or on facebook pictures and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 yes 100% I dont want him to find out off anyone else, not that theres anything of note to tell at the minute anyway. We both like each other admittedly we havent dated as such but there is something there. She wants to go away next weekend, im tempted but I need to sort it out with my friend. I appreciate all comments here, ive posted on a simialt forum and got advised with the opposite. Ive also told a few friends and its kinda mixed. Im still in a mess Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 He's been your friend for 7 years. I suggest you at least give him the heads up. If his response is bad, I think it would be worse if he heard it from someone else. Once that is off your shoulders, his feelings about it aren't your responsibility anymore. If things progress with this girl, you can't keep hiding. One way or another he is going to find out. Best if it comes from you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 First the right woman is worth any friend. The exbf is in a new relationship. Whoever she wants to date is none of his business. There is no reason to even tell him. He gets pissed, you tell him when did you ask me permission to date his new GF, sorry but up can't keep ex's from dating people that you don't want them to. Damn the torpedoes full steam ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 Ive decided to end it with the girl. Was a very hard choice and im not sure ive made the right one but I just couldnt risk upsetting my friend. Ive confided in a couple of close friends about it and they both told me I couldnt pursue her anymore. I told her last night and she understood completely but said she was upset about it all and that she never realised we would like each other as much as we do. Its a typical situation I find myself in, girls that are attracted to me or im attracted to them, there always seems to be something holding it back. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Not sure I'd have made that call to be honest, not without talking to the friend and knowing for definite. As he's moved on, he could've been fine with it. You say they broke up by choice, not as if he's still pining for her every day and night. I think you may have been more worried about the unknown therefore help back rather than simply having that conversation with your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I think you made a mistake OP. You should have spoken to your friend first and take it from there. This 'bros before hos' mentality that some suggest here is immature and belongs to school. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Ive decided to end it with the girl. Was a very hard choice and im not sure ive made the right one but I just couldnt risk upsetting my friend. Ive confided in a couple of close friends about it and they both told me I couldnt pursue her anymore. I told her last night and she understood completely but said she was upset about it all and that she never realised we would like each other as much as we do. Its a typical situation I find myself in, girls that are attracted to me or im attracted to them, there always seems to be something holding it back. You have it backwards for it is Hoe's before Bro's I have seen many close friends fall off the radar when they found a woman and got married. He lost her so finders keepers. Friend ships rarely last forever. Conflict with their spouse/GF caused by mutual dislike. Jobs cause: people to move for them, hours making it hard to see them. Sometimes families move for other reasons. Values can change as one matures change enough to cause the friendship to end. Hanging out with friends does not compare with having a woman having diner ready for you when you come home. Being in bed to keep you warm at night. I think you should tell this woman to forgive you for having temporary insanity and take you back. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I think it was a mistake to break it off over this. I've never really gotten the can't go out with a friends ex thing. Perhaps because I was in a small town; every available girl/woman was the ex of at least one of my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 Oh jeez I too live in a small town, its not out of the norm at all for all this to happen with other groups of friends, i see quite often them dating friends exes etc. Maybe I have messed up here but its genuinely feeling torn about it all. How would you all feel if the boot was on the other foot? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Oh jeez I too live in a small town, its not out of the norm at all for all this to happen with other groups of friends, i see quite often them dating friends exes etc. Maybe I have messed up here but its genuinely feeling torn about it all. How would you all feel if the boot was on the other foot? Small towns are tricky, I never lived in one. It would very much depend on whether I still had feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 she reached out today and said that shes finding it hard to stop thinking about me and its the same for me. I said maybe I should tell him now and see what happens but shes worried that we might fall out and she doesnt want that to happen. Talk about unwanted drama Link to post Share on other sites
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