Best female friend: how to disappear without hurting her?

[Guitarisgood]

My best female friend recently became single (her ex is a good friend of mine). As I'd just come out of a similar situation, it made us both become closer as we sought comfort in each other's company. Slowly we started spending more time together and texting at very free moment. Essentially we became a couple without the sex.

 

It's funny over recent weeks that I have noticed that the more we hang out the more she has started pointing out other guys subtly to me as if to make me jealous. Yet on the other hand, when girls become interested in me, she purposely leaves her hand on my thigh or things like that.

 

It came to a point the other night where we were all out and she decided to sit on my lap as a group of girls came to say hi to me yet proceeded to talk to our group regarding guys she's currently chasing her or who'd she be interested.

 

First things first, was I right to feel awkward to have a girl sitting on my lap start talking about all these guys? For some reason I felt annoyed so I left. My pride got the better of me regardless that we are just friends and I just found it disrespectful.

 

Thing is that moment made me realise that we both had not moved on. That we'd turned to each other. Hence I want to start to distance myself from her; at the very least for me so I do not grow too attached to her which I feel I already have.

 

But she is delicate; she has needed psychology to pick herself out of the rut she finds herself in and I feel guilt because I'm the one who pulled her out of her darkest place and she has always been there for me. But I cannot tell her any of this in case she misconstrues it.

 

What do I do? It's funny, I have always believed that for you to really have a good relationship, your lover has to be your bestfriend, the one you confide your secrets etc. I guess guys and girls just cannot get that close otherwise.

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no way to just disappear without hurting her. So please don't just drop off the face of the Earth. She is going to notice that something is wrong and she will question you about it.

 

You are not responsible for her feelings. I understand that you don't wish to hurt her and thus want to respect her sensitivity but you have needs too. You have to draw a boundary somewhere.

 

I would sit her down and explain to her what you told us. Make it clear that you value your friendship with her a lot and thus don't want to jeopardize it by crossing a line and becoming too involved. Yes, she might misconstrue it and feel offended. But you are both adults and if you're as close as you say you are, you should be able to communicate accordingly.

 

Beyond that, don't initiate as much contact. Don't make plans to hang out for a while. It doesn't mean you need to cut her off altogether but the frequency at which you communicate and see each needs to cool off.

Edited February 6, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Maggie4]

You were wrong to allow her to put her hand on your thigh. That sent the wrong message to her. After the thigh, the natural progression is to the lap. At every step, you needed to gently push her away, and protect your boundaries. By not doing so, you send her the wrong message. Now you cannot jist disappear. If she tries touching you again, reject that, and she'll get it (I hope).

[phineas]

Women talking about other guys to make a man jealous hardly ever works with healthy men.

It's a major turn off to me and most of my friends and has the opposite affect.

 

maybe women do it because another woman in the picture makes them crazy jealous?

[smackie9]

Her actions speak volumes....she is still in a dark place and needs constant approval. By no means is her intention sexual, or to make you jealous....she is doing it to make herself look and feel better. It's her way of getting self worth, by putting on a display in front of other women, that she is all that. She is using you as her emotional tampon.....

 

I agree with the other poster, you need to set boundaries before it really gets out of hand. She is being selfish of her own needs, blind to the fact she is messing with your feelings.

[kendahke]

If you and she are friends, then you need to tell her that you don't appreciate her behavior and using you as her emotional tampon. Then tell her you think it's best to put distance between you two until she's done processing her failed relationship.

 

There is no reason on earth for her to try to make you jealous of other men when you aren't her man and you aren't trying to be with her--and you need to let her know that. She's not so emotionally fragile that when she engages in disrespectful behavior, she doesn't need to be called out on it. She's more manipulative than fragile, sounds to me.

[elaine567]

Her actions speak volumes....she is still in a dark place and needs constant approval. By no means is her intention sexual, or to make you jealous....she is doing it to make herself look and feel better. It's her way of getting self worth, by putting on a display in front of other women, that she is all that. She is using you as her emotional tampon.....

 

I agree with the other poster, you need to set boundaries before it really gets out of hand. She is being selfish of her own needs, blind to the fact she is messing with your feelings.

 

...and she is messing with her own feelings too. By using the OP as a substitute boyfriend and getting more and more attached to him, she is not allowing herself time to grieve properly for her lost relationship.