The disappearing act.

[red.velvet]

Met a new guy, I just moved for work.

We have been dating, for 3 weeks. Hanging out, talking daily...the works.

 

For the last about 8 days I had some health issues, I was a bit preoccupied with that. He tried calling about thrice, on different days, I didn't answer, not on purpose, I always was at the hospital, but I would follow up with a text apology.

 

Well 2 days ago I called him, to apologize for how elusive I've been, I also wanted to explain why... But when he picked up he was on the road with friends, so he suggested he'd call when he got home.

 

I waited.... & waited.... Nothing! Next morning (yesterday) I text him, saying it wasn't cool that he said he'd call and didn't. No answer. Havent heard from him since.

 

Makes me sad, thought we had connected. It was just 3 weeks.. But I liked him. Also asking myself why.

 

He has ghosted? Let him be? What do you all think?

 

This ghosting hasn't happened to me before... It can make someone think there's something wrong with them.

 

Is there anything I can do in this situation?

[salparadise]

Probably not. It doesn't always work out. It has to be mutual.

[smudge21]

It happens a lot. You can search around here and the advice given out is often to ghost someone if they appear to be doing the same. Yes, you had fully legitimate reasons to respond like you did... but from his position, he may see it differently or just have other options.

 

 

You've made it clear you're available and interested and been honest, now you have to leave it up to him (as hard as that can be to do). If he doesn't come back to you or plays games, then you have to think do you really want him in your life any way.

[red.velvet]

I'm so confused though... Because he came across as not the type of guy who would be so mean... Because ghosting is mean. Although 3 weeks is not enough to know him well.

 

He seemed to have some anger issues (I guess I can call it that)

When he's upset with someone he gives them the silent treatment. Saw him do it with some of his family members.

 

I'm thinking he might be upset that I missed his calls and was kind of elusive, because when I called and said I was sorry he said 'but you'll probably do it again'.. He did sound upset about it. Understandably, but he should have waited to hear an explanation.

[smudge21]

People can be perfect right up until the moment they're not. I've gone from months of contact to virtual ghosting and no idea why, but people do just change. Yes, maybe he felt that if you weren't available now, then you would never be. Those initial moments can sometimes dictate how everything else is going to go. Then there are some who instant reward and don't like to go slow.

 

 

You can't and shouldn't over think this as you have no way of knowing what he's thinking. You can only reach out a few times before you have to cut your losses and move on, as sad as that can be at times.

[Zippy2000]

Plase your bets he`ll come back. Maybe not now or the near future but maybe 6 months or a year down the line.

 

They always come back.

 

Curious to see if you are still available.

 

You dont want this type of man and youre better off without him.

 

In my opinion he gave up after his 3rd call and wanted to make sure how you would feel if he didnt call!!

 

To me that sends a message of playing games.

 

I certainly dont play games with anyone.

[Toodaloo]

I think you should try calling him again.

 

After all from his perspective he did try on several occasions to get hold of you and just got a text back.

 

Try again and if he doesn't call back move on.

[candie13]

Well... He doesn't owe you anything so you shouldn't have sent him that text where you were telling him about your disappointment. He's not your bf, is he?

 

Think mirroring. He calls, you texted. You called - he was busy. He didn't return the call. Well, mirror back & give him space. Definitely don't call again, you've already spooked him with the text message.

 

silence is a powerful ally, it helps you see people's true intentions and actual investment level. If he ghosts, then he was never really invested, was he ? Let him be, really.

[Gaeta]

You handled it poorly. Why did you need to be elusive? If a man was posting on here about a girl he's been dating 3 weeks that never picks up his call but text an apology back, he'd be told to drop her.

 

Next time just be open and honest about what is going on and when someone calls return their call by calling back. Why didn't you call him back on those days he called or even the following day? I am not reading a good reasons why not.

 

As for giving you the silent treatment, well he's doing exactly what people would advice him on here. *mirror her* she doesn't pick up so you don't pick up.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to clarify, did you generally mention why you couldn't call him back? (in your texts when he called, I mean) Was it like "Really sorry, dealing with a personal health situation and will call when I can" or "Hey, sorry I missed your call..."? While I don't think you owed him a detailed explanation of what was going on, cluing him in a little would have been helpful. Otherwise, he was probably sitting there wondering what he did wrong and why you were unavailable. By the time you actually called, he may have already assumed the worst and written you off. This may be his attempt at "returning the favour", so to speak.

 

Also, you say he doesn't seem like the type to be mean but in almost the same breath you claim he appears to have anger issues and is known to give the silent treatment. Which is it? The truth is that you still don't know him very well yet. You don't know what he's like in a relationship context.

 

I would just give him space now. he knows you want to hear from him and he might be a bit peeved about your last message to him. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel disappointed that he didn't call, but he might not have taken that very well.

[red.velvet]

OP, to clarify, did you generally mention why you couldn't call him back? (in your texts when he called, I mean) Was it like "Really sorry, dealing with a personal health situation and will call when I can" or "Hey, sorry I missed your call..."? While I don't think you owed him a detailed explanation of what was going on, cluing him in a little would have been helpful. Otherwise, he was probably sitting there wondering what he did wrong and why you were unavailable. By the time you actually called, he may have already assumed the worst and written you off. This may be his attempt at "returning the favour", so to speak.

 

Also, you say he doesn't seem like the type to be mean but in almost the same breath you claim he appears to have anger issues and is known to give the silent treatment. Which is it? The truth is that you still don't know him very well yet. You don't know what he's like in a relationship context.

 

I would just give him space now. he knows you want to hear from him and he might be a bit peeved about your last message to him. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel disappointed that he didn't call, but he might not have taken that very well.

 

Gosh! Yes, I was wrong, I see that now...

No, I didn't go into detail as to why I wasn't picking up. I apologized and told him I'd call him back soon to explain. I said, the last time he called 'I'm so sorry I've missed your call, I've been so bad on phone lately but I'll call back so we can chat'

If he'd called back, I was going to explain.

 

I'm curious as to why he would be peeved by my text stating my disappointment? Shouldn't I communicate when I'm disappointed?

 

I wish we'd have talked through his disappointment in me, coz it was not coz of lack of interest, I just had a lot I was dealing with. I should have handled it better.

[Gaeta]

By the time you said you were disappointed it was too late for him.

 

When people are important you make an effort to call them. I don't feel you made any in his case. Is it possible you are not that interested in him after all?

[ExpatInItaly]

Gosh! Yes, I was wrong, I see that now...

No, I didn't go into detail as to why I wasn't picking up. I apologized and told him I'd call him back soon to explain. I said, the last time he called 'I'm so sorry I've missed your call, I've been so bad on phone lately but I'll call back so we can chat'

If he'd called back, I was going to explain.

 

I'm curious as to why he would be peeved by my text stating my disappointment? Shouldn't I communicate when I'm disappointed?

 

I wish we'd have talked through his disappointment in me, coz it was not coz of lack of interest, I just had a lot I was dealing with. I should have handled it better.

 

Try to see this from his angle: You've been evasive for the last week, not answering his calls and then only texting back. He has no idea what was going on, only that you were apparently too busy to talk to him. And you get ticked when he doesn't call you back when you're ready to talk. That could easily explain his point of view and why he might not be so eager to talk to you now. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black, in his mind (I imagine)

 

You, of course, had a legitimate reason to be out of touch. But you also knew all the facts and that you were going to explain. He knew none of that and probably felt like you were blowing him off. And then getting upset when he mirrored you.

 

You needed to communicate with him better. It's not a bad thing to express your disappointment but a text message isn't the way to go. For all you know, he could have had a good reason for not calling you back.

[red.velvet]

By the time you said you were disappointed it was too late for him.

 

When people are important you make an effort to call them. I don't feel you made any in his case. Is it possible you are not that interested in him after all?

 

I actually quite like him.

 

I feel so bad that I made him think otherwise... It's just my health took a bad turn, quite bad, I just was a bit disoriented, and couldn't pay much attention to him at the time. But I still tried to text.

 

There's no way to savage this?

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually quite like him.

 

I feel so bad that I made him think otherwise... It's just my health took a bad turn, quite bad, I just was a bit disoriented, and couldn't pay much attention to him at the time. But I still tried to text.

 

There's no way to savage this?

 

And that's where you should have taken the opportunity to let him know you'd call soon, once your health improved. I doubt he'd have pressed you for details. If you had the ability to text, you had the ability to acknowledge you were looking forward to talking to him but feeling quite ill at the moment. What did you say in your texts to him?

 

I'm not sure it's salvageable. You could try to call him but I'm not sure he'll answer. You could apologize and let him know you'd like to explain what happened. That's about it.

[smudge21]

Maybe you're now more interested due to the fact he's moved on - the ol' wanting what we can't have scenario. Often we don't realise what we have until it's gone... so with that said, if you feel like contacting him then do it. Despite whatever advice we all get from this great place, we still often do what we feel is best for us at that moment in time.

 

 

You have to weigh up which you'll regret more, the knock back he may give you if you call... or the feeling that you wish you had have called. We generally regret the things we don't do rather than the things we do. It's your choice to make.

[red.velvet]

Try to see this from his angle: You've been evasive for the last week, not answering his calls and then only texting back. He has no idea what was going on, only that you were apparently too busy to talk to him. And you get ticked when he doesn't call you back when you're ready to talk. That could easily explain his point of view and why he might not be so eager to talk to you now. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black, in his mind (I imagine)

 

You, of course, had a legitimate reason to be out of touch. But you also knew all the facts and that you were going to explain. He knew none of that and probably felt like you were blowing him off. And then getting upset when he mirrored you.

 

You needed to communicate with him better. It's not a bad thing to express your disappointment but a text message isn't the way to go. For all you know, he could have had a good reason for not calling you back.

 

I know that now, I should have communicated better. I've definitely learnt my lesson.

Is there really anything I can do to savage the situation or just let him be & hope he'll be back.

[Gaeta]

I know that now, I should have communicated better. I've definitely learnt my lesson.

Is there really anything I can do to savage the situation or just let him be & hope he'll be back.

 

Call him, if he doesn't pick up leave a message. You don't need to get into the details just tell him you had serious worries about your health, you should have let him know instead shutting down. You hope you will hear from him again soon, if not you understand.

[red.velvet]

Thank you all for the advice.

 

So I called him, he didn't answer. Left a message, never heard back.

 

That was my last straw. Letting him go.

[KiwiGuy1985]

I hate ghosting, I swear to god. People need to grow up, seriously.

[katiegrl]

He was with his friends last time you called?

 

If I had to take a wild guess, it would be after he hung up, his friends might have convinced him you were bs'ing him, maybe even about your illness, and that he should pull back and let you come to/chase him.

 

Just a guess.....

[red.velvet]

He was with his friends last time you called?

 

If I had to take a wild guess, it would be after he hung up, his friends might have convinced him you were bs'ing him, maybe even about your illness, and that he should pull back and let you come to/chase him.

 

Just a guess.....

 

Maybe... But it doesn't matter now.

 

I think his actions are quite mean actually.

 

Lessons learnt for me : communicate more, never treat anyone like this guy has treated me even if I'm upset.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe... But it doesn't matter now.

 

I think his actions are quite mean actually.

 

Lessons learnt for me : communicate more, never treat anyone like this guy has treated me even if I'm upset.

 

Indeed, on both counts.

 

He's apparently lost interest, so better to delete his number and move along.

[red.velvet]

Indeed, on both counts.

 

He's apparently lost interest, so better to delete his number and move along.

 

Not sure if he lost interest or is just upset.

I mean, do people all of a sudden lose interest? I think he's upset.

 

Number deleted.

 

Back to square 1 on this dating game.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not sure if he lost interest or is just upset.

I mean, do people all of a sudden lose interest? I think he's upset.

 

Number deleted.

 

Back to square 1 on this dating game.

 

If they're not very invested and it hasn't been long, then yeah, it can happen.

 

But what I meant was that he was upset and consequently lost interest. Keep in mind he didn't know why you were being evasive so he probably already started detaching before you called.