I don't know if my relationship is healthy for me anymore?

[amkxoxo]

I feel stuck in my relationship. I feel like I am suffocating. He is black and I a white. We met a year ago through a mutual friend. About six months later we started getting to be really close friends. We started hanging out a lot and we had such fun times. One night we ended up kissing. I wasn’t sure how interested in him I was, so I told him I did not want anything serious. We secretly got together for a few months. I am 23 and he is 24. I did not want to have sex. I am a virgin and want to have sex with someone I am in a deep meaningful relationship with. I am not waiting forever. I am not waiting until marriage.

 

I actually wouldn’t mind having sex with him, but we have been having issues lately. We have been in a relationship for over 2 months now. It has not been easy. Going from casually hooking up to relationship has its ups and downs. We broke up, he came back for me, we got together, we fought, we got back together etc..

 

We both really love each other, but the fighting recently has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. One night we were supposed to go on a double date with one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend. I told him I was waiting on my friend to get back to me about the plans. I was working all day and I didn’t have time to plan anything, let alone be texting all day about it. After work I ran to get groceries, because I did not have any at my house. Then he texted me at 5pm asking what the plan was. I told him I didn’t hear back from my friend, so I was guessing they got busy and plans were off. I also told him I was super busy running errands that I needed to catch up. I got my groceries home, called my family for a while to catch up, and finally around 9pm, I texted him to ask if he wanted to come over. He was all mad, saying I left him hanging all day and he cleared his night for the plans and I never got back to him and I blew him off.

 

I let him know that wasn’t my intention and I apologize if he felt that way. I clearly made it known that I did not mean it. He was so mad. I decided to give him time to cool off. I did not text him for two days. I was shocked when he didn’t text me at all. I even saw that he went to a friend’s party without me. I was heartbroken. I did not understand how he could be so mad. In the middle of the night, while I was asleep my doorbell is ringing and ringing consistently. He was texting me to let him in. I told him to go home, but he kept ringing the doorbell. I finally let him in to shut him up, and because I did not want to anger my neighbors.

 

We fought, yelled, and argued all night into the morning. He was so mad that I did not contact him for two days, and since I was the one to hurt his feelings, I should have been the one to reach out to apologize. I let him know that he also had a phone and could have called me and that I was giving him time to cool off. He blamed me for everything. Saying that I disregarded his feelings and I am incapable of saying sorry for hurting his feelings. I didn’t see it as a big deal. It was a misunderstanding and I did not mean to leave him hanging. He got mad at how lax I was with hurting his feelings. I truly did not understand what the big deal was. We yelled at each other. He kept threatening to break up and saying that I should break up with him.

 

He brought up the sex thing and how we should be having sex and he wants sex, but I keep holding him off. He tells me how he loves me and he wants to have sex so badly. He has had sex with many many women, some on the first date, some casually, and he usually doesn't have to wait very long for it. He loves sex. He says he usually avoids virgins altogether. He doesn't want to "deal with it". I don't see what the big deal about me being a virgin is. And its not some issue you have to deal with.

 

He was telling me how he has to teach me, because he thinks I am immature and have no experience relationships. I have dated plenty of men, I just haven't been in a serious long term relationship. I do not need to know how to be taught. I try to be a good person, the best person I can be to people, and I try to be a good friend. He doesn't need to "teach me" anything. I found that comment offensive and controlling, that he was superior to me. I am not immature. I manage a really good full time job, trying to stay healthy, paying all my own bills, maintaining a car that I bought on my own, and a nice apartment that I pay for, as well as tons of student debt. I'm doing pretty well for myself. My family is proud and impressed by me. That to me is far from immature.

 

To me immature if pushing a women for sex with you. For pressuring them to have sex and not being able to wait or respect how someone else feels about it.

 

We talked and fought almost all weekend. Until we finally made up. I still wasn’t sorry, but I let it go because I love him. We were cuddling hours after we were fighting, and he asks me “so can we have sex soon.”

 

I guess it just shocks me that he is so persistent about it. I have been with other guys who respect me and don’t care if they wait. They just really like me. He and I don’t see each other as much as we should. Our summer was staying up all night talking and then going to work in the morning. Texting every single day. And seeing each other almost every day. But now, it’s a few times a week. I work 40 hours a week, full time. I can’t text at work anymore. I’m tired a lot, so when he comes over at night, I sometimes fall asleep with him. By the time I get home from work. Cook, eat , clean, workout, talk to parents, there’s little time for him. I am not doing this on purpose. He brings it up all the time. We fought again last week.

 

He was planning his birthday, and I invited my best girlfriend and her boyfriend. My boyfriend got mad I invited them, because he wanted it to be a close group of his personal friends. I did not know this. I did not see it as a big deal, because he often invited my friend and her boyfriend over his house for parties, and we got on double dates. I told him I did not mean it and I wouldn’t have done it, if I had known. She is my best friend so I wasn’t sorry. He was so mad. He was so mad again at how lax I was about his feelings. I just couldn’t believe he could be so mad over something so stupid. My friend couldn’t even attend anyways. Then I told him again that I would give him time to cool off. He then gets even more mad and starts saying how that’s me not talking to him and expecting him to reach out. He tells me how he won’t chase me and it’s my choice not to talk to him, and that I should be reaching out to apologize.

 

Things got even worse, when one night we went out to a bar with a few friends to celebrate his birthday. He was being a brat about his birthday and wanting all attention on him. I humored him and stuck with him the whole night. I ended up seeing my ex, now friend of mine, out at the bar. We bumped into each other at the crowded bar a few times, when my boyfriend was elsewhere. We talked and it was not big deal. At one point my boyfriend and I went to the bar to get drinks. My ex got up next to us trying to get drinks for his friends. My boyfriend was behind me and my ex next to me. My ex and I chatted at the bar. It was busy to we had to wait long for drinks. We made small talk and nothing fishy went on. I said see you around to my ex and went back to my boyfriend with the drink I bought him. No big deal.

 

He was so angry and mad that I did not introduce him to my ex. I didn’t see it as a big deal. My ex and I talk once in a blue moon as friends. He’s not someone my boyfriend needs to know. He got super mad and angry. We fought all night long about my ex, about me inviting my friend, and again apparently my inability to say sorry, which is not true. I have apologized to him a million times. It was no big deal. He got all crazy about who I was texting in between our fighting. That’s crazy. He said nasty things to me, such as, his friend will never talk to me or see me again if we break up. I love his friends and they have become my friends, so that’s just nasty and he did it to hurt me. He complained that I talked to my mom too much. I love my mom and we live far away. Phone calls is all I have. I yelled at him to get out of my house a ton of times and he would not leave. I felt held hostage in my own apartment.

 

We fought and fought. He was making me sick. At one point he threw down the wallet I bought him on the floor. Then pointed at it and told me to pick it up off the floor. I was stunned. That was so degrading. I couldn’t believe he did that. Who would do that. I wasn’t insulting him. I wasn’t saying hurtful things. He was purposefully hurting me. He even told me that he was mad and hurt and he wanted me to feel hurt too, so he was saying things to hurt me. No one who loves you would do that. We fought and fought. I was sick of it. Before he left he was yelling at me “good luck with my next boyfriend”

 

Then he tries to kiss me goodbye. I tried to pull away, but he insisted. I figured at that point we were over. I started telling my friend that we broke up. Then that night he comes to my door with a balloon and some pastry to try and reconcile. It was nice and appreciated, but I was so hurt and depressed over the mean and nasty things he said. He tells me the sex thing bothers him so much and he just wants to have sex. He tells me he never has to wait this long and his friends think I must be pretty special for him to not be getting any, and he is still with me.

 

I don’t get why he can’t just respect me. I’m not waiting forever, but after all the fighting, I do not want to jump in bed with him. He tells me this is why he never tries to get with virgins. My good girl friend thinks his words are manipulative. She is worried about me, but supports me whether I stay with him or not. I love him very much. He treats me very well most of the time. But when we fight, he gets so mad. I can’t take any more fighting. I know other guys who would be interested in me and they wouldn’t care if I slept with them right away. My friends boyfriend said he would wait as long as she needed. I just don’t even trust my boyfriend anymore after the things he said. He apologized and said he didn’t mean them, but it still hurts me. He still blames me for hurting his feelings and not owning up to it. I don’t see either situation as a big deal at all. Especially when I tell him I did not mean it and I was not intending to hurt his feelings. I didn’t even realize it would hurt his feelings. He wants to be together, so as of now, we are still together, but he brought up sex again last night. He wants sex so badly. I told him I am just not ready right now. He tells me that if my ex is around again, I am going to introduce them. I tell him that I can’t promise that, because I don’t know what the situation will be and I don’t know if I want him to know my ex. My ex really isn’t around that much anyway. I told him I want him to know and get friendly with constant people in my life. My girlfriend, her boyfriend, my close college friends etc…Those are people that are always around. My ex is occasionally at a party or we go grab coffee once in a blue moon to catch up. I did not purposefully not introduce them, I did not even think about it.

 

He tells me that if I know my ex is going to be around, that I need to warn him ahead of time. I don’t get it. It’s not a big deal. Most times, unless I invite him myself, I just run into him. And I don’t think that is necessary. He then tells me that if I cannot do this then we will probably fight in the future. He wants to be in a relationship on facebook so badly. Stuff like that doesn’t matter to me and I find to be superficial. How many likes can this couple get type of thing. I wouldn’t mind it myself, but I know I have some family that might be skeptical of me dating a black man. I have told him this time and time again, but he insists we be on facebook. He won’t tell me his three middle names. I don’t know why. Last night he was trying to bribe me by saying if we can be on facebook, he will tell me one middle name. I didn’t like that. I’m his girlfriend. I should know his full name. It shouldn’t be a bargaining chip for what he wants from me. That does seem manipulative.

 

I’m so confused with my life right now. I don’t know if we should be together or not. I feel so much pressure from him, and pressure from myself. I love him, but the things he said and did to me were hurtful. He apologized and said he didn’t mean it, but what’s done is done. I’m thinking of breaking up with him. But I know I will miss him dearly. I don’t know what to do.

[LoverOfDance]

Man, he is really frustrated. Everything u've said that u guys fought about is not even worth batting an eyelash over. It sounds like you're not compatible. That's why you fight so much. My sister's first boyfriend pressured her into sex. She did it with him but told me it was because she felt pressured to do it.

 

I'm a virgin as well and I understand how you feel. The amount of pressure on me is ridiculous and I'm not even dating anyone at the moment. The pressure is from guys who want to date me but once they hear that I'm not sexually active and don't plan to be any time soon, they run away. Sex is so important to many men and I'm not sure I understand why tbh. I wouldn't give in if I were you.

 

 

And I honestly think it's a red flag if he doesn't respect u enough to wait. I think u need to have a good and mature conversation with him about all of this and then u can both decide what you want.

[neowulf]

Everyone enters relationships to try to get some need met.

 

Your boyfriend wanting sex isn't really the issue here. He's 24 and experienced sexually. Of course he wants sex within his relationship.

 

However, you are completely justified in wanting to wait. It's your body. No one should pressure you into the decision to have sex. It's deeply personal and must be made in good time, when *you* feel ready.

 

So really, those two facts tell us all we need to know. Neither of you are wrong in what you want. You are simply wrong for each other.

 

You can't give him what he needs. He can't give you what you need. It's really as simple as that. Loving each other isn't a substitute for having needs met in a relationship. In the end, not getting needs met simply burns people out and drives them to see the fulfilment else where.

 

I know it's painful and I don't doubt that you care. But really, you both need to just let it go. You're both young. Move on.

[Penguin_hugs]

I've read a few of your threads and I'm not sure I see much of a future in your relationship. You both want different things and end up arguing a lot.

 

I love the phrase- "When it's right it's easy". If you are battling to stay together through arguments and it's not really working- then it's time to cut your losses.

 

As for the sex pressure- that's not on. There is no point having sex just to please another person. It has to be right for you too. There are people out there who will be willing to wait and for things to be on your terms. For example- I was a virgin when I met my BF. He's 5 years older than me and had a few long term relationships. He never once pressured me. He said he enjoyed being with me as a person, we had fun fooling around and going at my speed- and it was 6 months before we had sex.

 

I think it's time for the two of you to move on with your lives and find someone who is compatible

[introverted1]

This thread seems to be a consolidation of this one and this one, both osted within the last month. You got lots of good and consistent advice in those threads, with the overwhelming majority of posters suggesting that you end the R for a variety of reasons. Are you posting again in the hopes of receiving different advice? It's not clear what you are after.

[basil67]

We both really love each other, but the fighting recently has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. One night we were supposed to go on a double date with one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend. I told him I was waiting on my friend to get back to me about the plans. I was working all day and I didn’t have time to plan anything, let alone be texting all day about it. After work I ran to get groceries, because I did not have any at my house. Then he texted me at 5pm asking what the plan was. I told him I didn’t hear back from my friend, so I was guessing they got busy and plans were off. I also told him I was super busy running errands that I needed to catch up. I got my groceries home, called my family for a while to catch up, and finally around 9pm, I texted him to ask if he wanted to come over. He was all mad, saying I left him hanging all day and he cleared his night for the plans and I never got back to him and I blew him off.

 

Wow, your behaviour here was so self centred. And he was 100% correct in his view of your behaviour. No, you may not have had time to spend all day texting, but surely you had time to make a quick phone call and get it sorted out. He's left his evening open for you but you couldn't even get your act together to make plans.....then you had the gall to tell him he could come at 9pm after you'd done all your stuff. To make it worse, you can't even see that you were wrong and selfish.

 

Regarding the sex, he's not wrong for wanting a sexual relationship with you. His needs for a relationship are every bit as valid as yours. If your needs don't align, then end it. But don't make him out to be the bad guy for wanting to get his relationship needs met.