She Went Through My Phone...

[cottom]

I go home once a fortnight to see parents and friends, this weekend I was planning to have a quiet one and let me gf know. Then at about 5pm I got a call from a mate who I haven't seen in ages saying his mate booked a limo and meal for his gf and cousins but they broke up so if I want to come along too, all paid for. I said yeah, I told my gf this and I went out, at about 12am I got a call from another mate who happened to be in town to and was out in a club down the road. I made an excuse and left to go meet this other friend, it was 2 of my old friends, 2 lads and 2 girls they work with plus their friend, 2 of the girls in relationships.

 

As night goes on we drink and have fun till the club closes at 5am and we leave, I get to know the people there and we all have photos together so there's me 4 guys and 3 girls in group photos.

 

The next day my group chat are asking where I had gone off to so I told them I'd wandered off and bumped into these random people, I couldn't say I ditched them for other mates after they offered a limo and free food etc, so pretended they were random people I knew.

 

One of my mates who always makes fun of me because I refuse to even check other girls out when out let alone chat to, flirt or cheat with, he made a joke suggesting I was cheating with those girls, knowing that I wasn't, so I made a tongue in cheek comment back to him telling him that my gf will never find out. He made a joke back saying that he's going to tell her then. I called him a "good lad" to confirm that it was all tongue in cheek rather than me saying yeah please don't tell her.

 

So last night I met up with my gf the second I got back in town and I went back to my car from my house to get something I'd left in there, I came back to her crying because she had gone through my phone looking for evidence that I cheated or something bad last night and she saw that snipped from the conversation of a photo of me with these people and me suggesting I cheated.

 

I'm trying to explain to her that she has taken it completely different to what it was meant as she doesn't understand the background to the things said. She's still arguing even though I explained everything and she is repeating the same thing over about why would I say it if it isn't true or disrespecting her by saying that behind her back.

 

What am I supposed to do now?

[Ic1]

Why didn't you bring your girlfriend?

 

I'd let her know she can contact your friend who made the comment on Facebook to confirm it was a joke. If he's really making such a joke because you would never do such, she'll even hear about why the joke was made!

[cottom]

Now she has ended everything because:

 

I said these 3 girls are insignificant when we argued about it last night because they are, but then I said that I made friends with them and they followed me on instagram and they followed me back

 

"To me it looked like you were bragging about flirting with girls all night, i accepted what you said reluctantly because i wanted to believe you, to then have you say theyre my friends and now i follow them and will therefore see all their photos and be reminded of them constantly is too much i cant believe you anymore"

 

Is the text I received, I'm at wrk and she's walked out the house and accused me of lying about everything etc

[Ic1]

Now she has ended everything because:

 

I said these 3 girls are insignificant when we argued about it last night because they are, but then I said that I made friends with them and they followed me on instagram and they followed me back

 

"To me it looked like you were bragging about flirting with girls all night, i accepted what you said reluctantly because i wanted to believe you, to then have you say theyre my friends and now i follow them and will therefore see all their photos and be reminded of them constantly is too much i cant believe you anymore"

 

Is the text I received, I'm at wrk and she's walked out the house and accused me of lying about everything etc

 

Then the real issue is she doesn't (didn't) trust you. I bet this story has a prequel you haven't shared now.

[cottom]

Why didn't you bring your girlfriend?

 

I'd let her know she can contact your friend who made the comment on Facebook to confirm it was a joke. If he's really making such a joke because you would never do such, she'll even hear about why the joke was made!

 

 

She works weekends, I take her when she's available, it's 100 miles away

 

I've explained how it was a joke and how it was aimed at me

[MovingOnIsHard]

Now she has ended everything because:

 

I said these 3 girls are insignificant when we argued about it last night because they are, but then I said that I made friends with them and they followed me on instagram and they followed me back

 

"To me it looked like you were bragging about flirting with girls all night, i accepted what you said reluctantly because i wanted to believe you, to then have you say theyre my friends and now i follow them and will therefore see all their photos and be reminded of them constantly is too much i cant believe you anymore"

 

Is the text I received, I'm at wrk and she's walked out the house and accused me of lying about everything etc

 

I cant help but see the irony in all this.

 

Your friend invited you to limo and food because his gf left him... Then u ditch his group to be with another group... Now your gf left you.

 

If i were u, i would have gone into damage control by not adding those girls on instagram to alleviate your gf's anxiety. I mean, was it worth makinh friends with those girls after the fact?

 

Then agaib, your gf was in fault here too for snooping on your phone

[stillafool]

My, my I guess that's what she gets for snooping. Nothing good ever comes from it.

[cottom]

When I say added the girls on instagram it was one girl who I was chatting to about her partner of 6 years and I showed her photos of me and my partner on her phones instagram and she clicked follow so I followed back

 

I don't even remember the other girls names

[PieceTablo]

I think if you really want to make it work you can either give her some space and come back to her later when she had more time to clear her mind, or keep on fighting for her. What would she respond best too?

 

Either way, I would not try and convince her logically, there is just not enough proof for either scenario to be proven true or not. It's mostly an emotional fear, and that's something you cannot dispel with facts. Besides, considering she was snooping, I think there already were some issues in the relationship/her trust in you. Which will only make it harder to repair.

 

Just try to stay calm and be there for her when she wants you to be. There's not much you can do, it's mostly up to her if she thinks she can trust you after the initial shock has worn off.

[hippychick3]

Unfollow the girls on Instagram and reinforce to her your commitment and faithfulness to her. At some point, have your friend reiterate the fact you were joking.

[kendahke]

I guess the question is: how badly do you want your girlfriend back? She's got it in her mind that you cheat and nothing is going to now move her off of that. You can choose to be her whipping boy for the foreseeable future or you can just cut her loose and let her find someone else to distrust. It's highly doubtful that she's going to revert back to being a trusting girlfriend now. It depends upon how much you want to put yourself through to be with her.

 

I agree with Ic1--there's some distrust drama going on that put it in her mind to grab your phone and snoop. People who are confident in their relationships and feel that they are chosen don't do that.

 

Perhaps when you first got back in town, it would have been a good idea to tell your girlfriend about the weekend you had. I'm surprised you didn't think she was watching your IG account while you were out of town. It might very well be that she saw the new female follow friends and the pictures. A quick snapchat while out with everyone to her to show that it was not anything untowards going on might be a good idea next time you find yourself in this situation.

 

I'm unclear on what her expectations were. Did she think that you were going to stay home and watch netflix and eat popcorn all weekend? How many times did you speak with her while out of town?

 

None of what happened excuses her for snooping your phone instead of point blank asking you.

[Versacehottie]

ugh, so sorry. I don't know that I have any solid advice. I do think some version of letting her speak to the guy friend who made the comment. The tricky thing about that would be that she would have to have done that when you were in midst of argument so she'd be confident that you hadn't prepped him and told him what to say.

 

From what I have heard here, it sounds like you haven't done anything wrong so it's rather unfortunate that she was snooping without any cause and stumbled upon words that she interpreted the way she did. That said, this level of distrust (without cause) is not something I would recommend signing up for OR importantly cave to! If you do, it will just give her license to keep doing it. She doesn't trust you when you are honest so it can be a bottomless pit. You don't want to feed it. If you said you piece in both arguments/discussions. Just stand your ground. I would try to "right" the things that were misunderstood (your friend's comment/your response). Mayyyyyybe unfollow the new girls (i wouldn't, but that's an individual choice that should already have some precedent in your relationship one way or another). And then stand your ground. In fact, honestly, I think it's time to turn the tables a bit and be a little upset that:

a)she snooped on you

b)that she doesn't trust you enough anyway to have those thoughts or tell that your explanation is genuine.

 

Give her space and see if she comes around.

 

And for previous discussions where we have discussed on this board about a partners right to have passwords and access to phone. This is a perfect example of why NOT. If a person has unreasonable jealousy and distrust, it will never be enough and is just a gateway to misunderstand things and control the other partner. It's unreasonable. Honestly, OP you have just as much right to be upset at her that she is snooping. She didn't find anything; the fact that she interpreted it that way means jack. Good luck--you sound like a good guy

[PrettyEmily77]

My ex's imsecurities started when he looked through my phone behind my back and saw a photo of a birthday party he couldn't attend of some friends (a couple male, a couple female) and I in party mode. All hell broke loose and after a lot of talking and reassurance, he accepted he over reacted (he had accused me of cheating and lying) and promised he wouldn't do it again.

 

He didn't, until he did. It gradually became worse, more sustained, more consistant - my phone, my personal emails, my work emails (huge potential issues, I'm a medic), turning up to places to check on me and verify my whereabouts.

 

I had always been forthcoming with any info he wanted to know but it was never enough. No matter what I said or how I conducted myself, he had convinced himself I was cheating - I had no private life, had to report back pretty much everything I said or did, I constantly had to justify stuff I hadn't done...

 

And it all started with him snooping on my phone... In hindsight, I should have seen it coming and left earlier.

 

I'm not saying your R is going the same way at all - just a word of caution for you because I'd just wished someone had warned me off at the time instead of advising me to reassure / explain all the time or be constantly told I must have been guilty ofcsomething (no smoke without fire bull****).

 

I get really jumpy every time anyone even attempts to justify their snooping - if you can't trust/feel you can't get trusted, work it out if you can or leave. By the time you're snooping / being snooped upon, it's already too late.

[cottom]

I guess the question is: how badly do you want your girlfriend back? She's got it in her mind that you cheat and nothing is going to now move her off of that. You can choose to be her whipping boy for the foreseeable future or you can just cut her loose and let her find someone else to distrust. It's highly doubtful that she's going to revert back to being a trusting girlfriend now. It depends upon how much you want to put yourself through to be with her.

 

I agree with Ic1--there's some distrust drama going on that put it in her mind to grab your phone and snoop. People who are confident in their relationships and feel that they are chosen don't do that.

 

Perhaps when you first got back in town, it would have been a good idea to tell your girlfriend about the weekend you had. I'm surprised you didn't think she was watching your IG account while you were out of town. It might very well be that she saw the new female follow friends and the pictures. A quick snapchat while out with everyone to her to show that it was not anything untowards going on might be a good idea next time you find yourself in this situation.

 

I'm unclear on what her expectations were. Did she think that you were going to stay home and watch netflix and eat popcorn all weekend? How many times did you speak with her while out of town?

 

None of what happened excuses her for snooping your phone instead of point blank asking you.

 

Kept in contact constantly, she called me while out and I answered, I sent her a load of snapchats of my night out, but because someone took a photo of me talking to this girl who I told her about, I said how I spent the night speaking to this girl about our relationship, she says it's disrespectful

 

I've never done anything wrong, I never cheat or even look at girls so much that my mates make fun of me, she went looking through my phone trying to find something and has found nothing so jumped on the closest thing that resembled me cheating which was an in joke with my group chat that we all got that was aimed at myself

[Ic1]

I've never done anything wrong, I never cheat or even look at girls so much that my mates make fun of me, she went looking through my phone trying to find something and has found nothing so jumped on the closest thing that resembled me cheating which was an in joke with my group chat that we all got that was aimed at myself

 

If this is the complete case, let her go. She has insecurities/anxieties that make her incapable of a stable relationship right now.

[smackie9]

Your GF is right in a way....you shouldn't be discussing something so intimate like your relationship to some random girl or any other girl for that matter.....so she is right that you did disrespect her.....and following these chicks on Instagram. Give your head a shake. As for your GF's insecurities, that's on her. She can't expect you to not socialize with other girls or even look them in the eye...that's ridiculous.

 

Let her go. You live you learn you grow.

[Redhead14]

I go home once a fortnight to see parents and friends, this weekend I was planning to have a quiet one and let me gf know. Then at about 5pm I got a call from a mate who I haven't seen in ages saying his mate booked a limo and meal for his gf and cousins but they broke up so if I want to come along too, all paid for. I said yeah, I told my gf this and I went out, at about 12am I got a call from another mate who happened to be in town to and was out in a club down the road. I made an excuse and left to go meet this other friend, it was 2 of my old friends, 2 lads and 2 girls they work with plus their friend, 2 of the girls in relationships.

 

As night goes on we drink and have fun till the club closes at 5am and we leave, I get to know the people there and we all have photos together so there's me 4 guys and 3 girls in group photos.

 

The next day my group chat are asking where I had gone off to so I told them I'd wandered off and bumped into these random people, I couldn't say I ditched them for other mates after they offered a limo and free food etc, so pretended they were random people I knew.

 

One of my mates who always makes fun of me because I refuse to even check other girls out when out let alone chat to, flirt or cheat with, he made a joke suggesting I was cheating with those girls, knowing that I wasn't, so I made a tongue in cheek comment back to him telling him that my gf will never find out. He made a joke back saying that he's going to tell her then. I called him a "good lad" to confirm that it was all tongue in cheek rather than me saying yeah please don't tell her.

 

So last night I met up with my gf the second I got back in town and I went back to my car from my house to get something I'd left in there, I came back to her crying because she had gone through my phone looking for evidence that I cheated or something bad last night and she saw that snipped from the conversation of a photo of me with these people and me suggesting I cheated.

 

I'm trying to explain to her that she has taken it completely different to what it was meant as she doesn't understand the background to the things said. She's still arguing even though I explained everything and she is repeating the same thing over about why would I say it if it isn't true or disrespecting her by saying that behind her back.

 

What am I supposed to do now?

 

How long have you been seeing her?

[joseb]

My, my I guess that's what she gets for snooping. Nothing good ever comes from it.

 

Yip exactly. In this case false evidence. That's why I always have a lock on my phone. All this BS about needing to reassure partners and give them passwords.

 

OP has she a history of snooping, or constantly wanting to know where you are?

[Versacehottie]

OP, stop letting anyone try to convince you that you did ANYTHING disrespectful. Following new friends on instagram is not disrespectful. Socializing with friends and changing up the plans for the evening the way you did is not disrespectful. You know what is disrespectful???? Thinking so little of your partner that you snoop through his phone the minute he gets home to look for evidence of cheating etc. That's lame OF HER. In all the cases that I've seen of people who do stuff like this, it escalates and they use it to control you. It is never a good situation or relationship. It will be a bottomless pit.

[thecrucible]

OP, I don't think you need anything wrong. I can see that if she is quite insecure, that she may make mountains out of molehills and assume more is going on than it actually is.

 

I know a girl like this. I know her bf as a childhood friend and he did tell me that she didn't like him going to parties where there would be girls as it made her feel insecure but she would be going out on the town with her friends. She is not a bad person and he accepts this dynamic so it works for them.

 

I think it was wrong of her to snoop but this is the trouble of texting/social media. It's easy to misinterpret something when a lot of the information is missing.

 

If I were you, I would be slightly offended that someone would be doubting that I'm a trustworthy person and jumping to conclusions rather than asking me about it.

[thecrucible]

Yip exactly. In this case false evidence. That's why I always have a lock on my phone. All this BS about needing to reassure partners and give them passwords.

 

I completely agree, joseb. I would never be interested in looking through a boyfriend's phone. If he was going to cheat on me, I would find out anyway by his behaviour without having to look through his phone for evidence. At the same I'm a big believer in individual privacy in a relationship. I wouldn't do this on principle. His emails could be open right in front of me, and I would close the laptop lid rather than look.

 

I've had friends before who think they have the right to know my computer passwords but I insist it's none of their business. By allowing someone a window into your privacy, it just opens you up for more demands if you don't set clear boundaries.

[katiegrl]

You sound like such a good guy... I mean even your friends know you would never ever cheat, hell you don't even check out other girls!

 

So one has to wonder why your girlfriend was (is) so distrustful and suspicious of your actions (enough to snoop), and you've been dating her for awhile, no?

 

In any event, something caused her to want to look, so she did, and she comes across something akin to this:

 

Your friend: "Hey dude, where'd you disappear to.... you found some chick and hooked up with her?

 

You: Yeah bro, but don't worry it's cool, my girlfriend will never find out.

 

Now YOU know it was tongue-n-cheek, but put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes. SHE didn't know it was tongue n cheek and frankly if I came across something like that, I am not sure I would think it was tongue n cheek either.

 

Especially since she had been distrustful to start with (not sure if we're hearing the whole story and whether or not she did have reason to be distrustful of you).

 

Anyway, I am not accusing you of anything, and she was definitely wrong for snooping....BUT that said, I do think she has valid reason to at least suspect you cheated....based on your own words in your text message.

 

Why doesn't your friend step in here and tell her he was joking?! There is still a chance she may think HE's lying too (to cover for you)....but don't you think it's worth a shot?

 

Assuming you want to salvage this relationship, that is.

 

And then ask her why she distrusts you so much.... again assuming you are this super great guy who doesn't even check out other chicks, let alone hook up with them.

Edited December 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

I completely agree, joseb. I would never be interested in looking through a boyfriend's phone. If he was going to cheat on me, I would find out anyway by his behaviour without having to look through his phone for evidence. At the same I'm a big believer in individual privacy in a relationship. I wouldn't do this on principle. His emails could be open right in front of me, and I would close the laptop lid rather than look.

 

I've had friends before who think they have the right to know my computer passwords but I insist it's none of their business. By allowing someone a window into your privacy, it just opens you up for more demands if you don't set clear boundaries.

 

Agreed. Listen with great suspicion, once in a relationship. i think you might be able to justify (to yourself) a snoop, to confirm suspicions that are pretty much a done deal. I know I have advised this to friends as a one time thing in the past. BUT and it's a big but, in each of those cases, none of the girls was motivated by her insecurity, they were motivated by dishonest actions of their partner already. And in each of the cases, the snoop just confirmed what they already 90% knew. And then each of those who were healthy people, knew they did not want to stay in the relationship for fear of becoming the girl who could never trust anything and like insecure, jealous girls. When you are driven to snoop, and it's not bigger than who you are, you are pretty disgusted by the thought of having that be a continually pattern. And you becoming that kind of person.

 

Basically you are just looking for the one last piece of the puzzle so you are sure you are doing the right thing to leave the relationship. NOT to stay and "keep checking", "keep controlling" "keep arguing" and "keep driving yourself crazy". If you are healthy yourself and in a healthy relationship, checking your guy's phone is not necessary. Not because he will never cheat, but because you wouldn't stay in a relationship where he would or drive yourself nuts with your own jealousies and insecurities. It's not a way to live and it's definitely not love. BTW, you can only really justify it to yourself (and maybe your gfs who are on your team!), the reality is it's just another wrong in a bad situation. They should realize when they do it, that it's a potentially a dealbreaker for the other person. Either way, it's usually a downhill slope.

 

Oh and the two friends I had that were insecure jealous messes with their bfs, I had to talk off the ledge so many times it was exhausting and irrational. I can only imagine how their bf's truly felt. I know they were not happy. But the extent of it I cannot imagine. Just as a friend, I was often at breaking points trying to knock some sense into girls like this. One the bf finally broke up with her and she ended up in a good relationship afterward. The other couple has probably one of the most dysfunctional relationships ever and no one is friends with them anymore.

Edited December 1, 2015 by Versacehottie