Dating and trusting after infidelity?

[dobielover]

At 39, I meet a lot of men who are dating post-divorce, and many of them were unfortunately on the receiving end of a cheating wife.

 

I've never been cheated on that I'm aware of, so while I can intellectually appreciate that such an experience would suck, I don't have personal experience with how that would carry over into subsequent relationships.

 

When I meet and date men who've experienced infidelity, it seems like I'm on the receiving end of a lot of questions, about my intentions, my capacity for faithfulness, etc.

 

I'm wondering if there's something I can do or say going forward to help create trust for them so that they're not so on guard. Suggestions are welcome.

[KatZee]

Nothing really you can say.

 

I've been on the receiving end of cheating, it does put a massive dent in your trust in other people.

 

Words are words. Actions are what matter the most. State your intentions and then follow through with integrity and morals.

 

Those who have been cheated on, generally, or speaking for myself, tend to be expecting to be deceived again or cheated on again.

 

When I was in this mindset, I made it a point not to date. It wasn't fair to me or potential good people I would have met. No one else needed to be caught up in my baggage.

 

For me, I would question everyone's behavior. Why's he doing this, why's he doing that, is he lying to me. I was paranoid about everything. Again, I ceased dating. You can't go into any new relationship this untrusting. It doesn't create that great a base for something new to be built.

[Gaeta]

I'm wondering if there's something I can do or say going forward to help create trust for them so that they're not so on guard. Suggestions are welcome.

 

There isn't much you can say but plenty you can do. You be honest and non secretive. People that have been cheated on don't like games like bringning your phone with you in bathroom type of things, they don't like your fishy friendship with the opposite sex so just don't be that kind of girlfriend.

[JustGettingBy]

There isn't much you can say but plenty you can do. You be honest and non secretive. People that have been cheated on don't like games like bringning your phone with you in bathroom type of things, they don't like your fishy friendship with the opposite sex so just don't be that kind of girlfriend.

 

Basically this. Actions speak loader than words.

[Maggie4]

Here's what I've learned.

1. Weed out the ones who are just controlling. They say they've been hurt before, and that's why they need this and that. Is the level of control fair to you?

2. Weed out the misogynists. They won't admit it because they need a partner, but they really have no respect for women. Does he make you feel you are guilty until proven innocent?

3. Now you're left with the wounded. Is it a wound of rejection by an ex? or is it a deeper childhood wound of feeling abandoned by his mother? In the latter case, nothing you say or do will change his insecurity.

[smackie9]

Simple, don't date the damaged. If they haven't forgiven, accepted and moved on from the infidelity, they are not emotionally ready for a relationship. IMO you shouldn't have to change your behavior to appease their insecurities.

[RedRobin]

There are lots of guys who claim to have been cheated on who were actually the ones who cheated.

 

My saying for all of this? There is his side. There is her side. And then there is the truth.

 

I don't date people who haven't moved on from their past relationship and feel the need to tell me lots of stories.