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got asked out. want to say no thanks.


kanga

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HA! Funny. In the interest of elminating these questions of "why won't she write back?" and "will she call me?" I seek your advice on how to say no to a request to go out.

 

I just received an email from a guy I met last week at a dinner with a mutual friend. (Big group of people. I knew one person.) He just sent me an email (8 days later) and asked me to dinner.

 

Nope, sorry, really not at all interested. He was friendly enough. But just struck me as a bit ... weird.

 

My usual routine in the past has been to ignore the email. Put him on my block senders list. But I'm going to try something new here. What would you recommend to politely saying no thank you?

 

More importantly, can I use this as leverage with the boy I like? Yes, yes, it's a bit gamey. But I can I mention in conversation that I was asked out? Will this create an urgency for him to want to stake his claim on me? Or should I leave this out?

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Hmmm... I did the email "ask out" last year one time. Wasn't all that unusual since she was already a business contact I hadn't met yet, never ran into otherwise, but eventually did meet. Just asked if she'd like to join me for a drink sometime. Her answer was something like: "ordinarily I love to, but I don't think my boyfriend would like it too much". I jokingly replied telling her it would probably be more fun if she didn't bring him along ... and then indicated I was kidding of course, and left it at that. I have no idea if she actually HAS a boyfriend or if she just wasn't interested and so I had no reason to take it as rejection per se, and didn't think anything of it.

 

Of course, if the guy actually knows that you DON'T have a boyfriend ... this won't work!

 

As for using it as "leverage" for your current interest, depends on what his personality is like. If he's one of those shy, hesitant guys, it might just be the kick in the pants he needs to make his move. You'd obviously need to give little vague hints as to why you turned guy #1 down while at the same time suggesting, oh so subtly, that you're interested in him. 'Bout all I got for ya right now. Anybody else care to chime in???

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I'm fairly certain that the guy doesn't know my status. I didn't talk about a bf, but I never denied having one either. It just wasn't brought up. I think I'll do something along the lines of "Thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I'm sort of seeing someone right now." That is not a lie.

 

Now, as for this other guy -- I really don't know if it would help or hurt. He's not shy, per se. He's in his own little classification. If I do mention it, it would be a playful, "So, someone wants me go out out to dinner with him," kind of thing. This happened over Christmas too. I was asked out by someone while on vacation. I couldn't because of other circumstances, but also at time time, I really didn't think it'd be appropriate to say yes. But I was all revved about beign able to return and talk about the boy I met. But I ended up not saying anythign because I feared it would push us back a few steps.

 

Leverage or no?

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You're going to put him on your blocked list just for sending one dinner invite?? If you declined his offer and he kept pestering you after that, then ok fair enough.

 

To the topic at hand, since he is an acquaintance of a friend, it might be polite to write back and say no thanks. Besides you are seeing someone else aren't you? (from the "disappearing act" thread?) Why not simply say that? "Sorry but I am seeing someone else. Thanks, but no thanks."

 

I'm not sure about this leverage issue either. Perhaps you really need to work where you are with your current "b/f". If he can't respond to more direct action on your part, maybe you are better off without him all together? Playing games isn't really going to solve anything.

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I'm not communicating my message very well. I apologize.

 

To clarify, my major guy of interest (GOI), the one who all these posts are about, is not an official boyfriend.

 

In the past, I've just ignored people I'm not interested in. I have done what I hate having done to me. I don't want to do that anymore. I think I'm OK, afterall, with simply writing back something like thanks but no.

 

The big question: Should I be mentioning to my GOI that I've been getting asked out, even if I haven't been going out with other guys? Will it help push things forward toward being an official couple? Just not sure if I should stay quiet or say something. I don't want to play games, but I want to make it clear that there is a demand for me out there, so he might want to stake his claim.

 

Make sense?

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Originally posted by kanga

What would you recommend to politely saying no thank you?

 

Say "thanks but I am interested in someone else right now so I won't be able to make it"

 

More importantly, can I use this as leverage with the boy I like? Yes, yes, it's a bit gamey. But I can I mention in conversation that I was asked out?

 

Why not? A little bit of jealousy goes a long way. Just don't over do it. Mention it once and then don't bring it up again. Sort of say " oh well this guy i met a few wks ago wanted to take me to dinner but i declined cause my interests lie elsewhere"

 

comprenez vous? (french for "do you understand")

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I find it quite flattering when girls talk about other guys in attempt to create jealousy or a get a rise out of me. Go for it :) Beware though, if you are in the friends zone w/ him he might not catch on the signal. It might just be a girl 'bragging to her friends that she got asked out' if you know what I mean.

 

As for the email, please respond if you can. I did a similar thing this guy did one time...just a casual ask out. She never responded. I would rather have her reply and shoot my @$$ down hardcore then not even respond.

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Thanks blue,

 

Yes, I am replying to him today. It'll be short and simple.

 

We're a bit past the friends zone. I'm trying to script out how to bring up that I was asked out. Nothing's really working. So I'll just know that I want to say it, and let the convo flow naturally.

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Originally posted by alphamale

Say "thanks but I am interested in someone else right now so I won't be able to make it"

 

I see you are promoting honesty again.

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Why don't you just take the initiative with your "GOI"? Intead of playing games trying to get him to do something you should just go ahead and do it. Just be flat out and ask him where you stand. If he says something wishy-washy just be like "oh well, get back to me whenever you make up your mind" and leave the conversation at that. I think that would impress someone a lot more then trying to play silly games.

 

As far as the guy that asked you out say "I'm seeing someone now" or something like that. At least he gets the courtesy of an answer then. I personally hate being ignored.

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Just say you appreciate the offer but that you aren't interested. No further explanation is required.

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Originally posted by iceisles

I see your are promoting honesty again.

 

Ice, that is pretty spot on -- me interested in someone else. I am. I don't really feel comfortable saying that I have a boyfriend. But interested is quite true. I could even say I'm seeing someone else without crossing the line of dishonesty.

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Originally posted by Hund1976

Why don't you just take the initiative with your "GOI"? Intead of playing games trying to get him to do something you should just go ahead and do it.

 

Based on the way things have been going with us, as well as his personality, a status report, I don't believe, is the best way to go. At least not right now. The timing is totally off. Plus, there's just this level of playfulness between us ...

 

OK, I know what I should do. I think I was really just overthinking this whole thing. Like usual.

 

Thanks all.

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I freaking honestly don't know.

 

I turned a guy down once, and I was nice about it, and he persisted like nothing I've ever seen. Finally, I told him that I just didn't want to be anything more than friends, he said, "Well, I think that you can get past that..." I said, "What part of I don't want to go out with you do you not understand!?! How many different ways do I have to say it before you GET IT!"

 

So niceness just flew out the window.

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Ok, guys, you'll be pleased to know -- I hope -- that there is one girl out there who is trying to rid the rid the world of confusion and no responses.

 

I wrote a simple hello, it was pleasant meeting you too, thanks but no, take care.

 

I just realized he spelled my name wrong in the email. Eek. That's a bit of a faux pas.

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Originally posted by Monday

I turned a guy down once, and I was nice about it, and he persisted like nothing I've ever seen.

 

If he becomes a stalker about it, then yeah -- he starts getting the big ol' fat ignore. Perhaps I'll come back here, asking for support in how to tell him to leave me alone. Hopefully, it won't come to that.

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Thanks, blue

 

This is an experiment for me. It's the first time I haven't ignored someone or said yes simply to avoid saying no.

 

What is this? :eek: Am I actually changing my ways because of LS? Ohmygosh. This site is actually useful.

 

A real-life gal friend has chastised me for turning down his offer. "You don't know. Maybe you'll like him after getting to know him better. Plus, he wants to go get sushi. You love sushi."

 

Riiiight. I'd rather not see him posting here next week, "But we had a great time. And we had sushi, which she loves. And she let me buy. And she's really nice. And I don't understand why she's not calling me back."

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Agreed if you really aren't interested don't do anything that might string him along. No guy wants to go on a pity date anyway.

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