unbeknown Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So I'm dating this girl and she mentions her ex quite a lot. They finished quite some time ago from what I gather but whenever we're talking she always links her stories back to ex's. We've had about 4 dates now and I think she's mentioned an ex on every single occasion. I normally just ignore it and change the subject on to something else. It is starting to get a bit boring now though. If it was me and I had a story about an ex I'd change the 'ex' to a 'friend' for the purpose of the story. Am I wrong to just find it disrespectful? Should I just call it a day if she mentions her ex so much? Perhaps still not completely over him? Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 It's disrespectful. Until you're an established couple and can start to explore what your histories have been like before each other, you're absolutely right that it's best to make past stories involving ex more vague. I'd say something like 'when I went to this country' omitting the ex (unless they're part of the story... then I wouldn't tell it) or just 'someone' or as you say, 'a friend' 'a bunch of us'. I don't understand people who do this. To me it would be a major clanger to say the word 'ex' when starting to date someone new, unless we were actively talking about our relationship histories. I suspect sometimes people do it to try and sound more desirable, maybe stir up a bit of jealousy or competition. Or they want to seem appealing in a 'look how many other people wanted me' to portray themselves as a catch. Either way it's immature and rude. Next time she does it, simply say to her straight 'every time I've met up with you, you've brought your ex into the conversation. Is there something still going on between you two?' and just let her talk. It's not the sign of someone jealous who can't handle a past, it's the sign of someone with the balls to set boundaries, if she won't. You need to know if you're wasting your time with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So I'm dating this girl and she mentions her ex quite a lot. They finished quite some time ago from what I gather but whenever we're talking she always links her stories back to ex's. We've had about 4 dates now and I think she's mentioned an ex on every single occasion. I normally just ignore it and change the subject on to something else. It is starting to get a bit boring now though. If it was me and I had a story about an ex I'd change the 'ex' to a 'friend' for the purpose of the story. Am I wrong to just find it disrespectful? Should I just call it a day if she mentions her ex so much? Perhaps still not completely over him? If it was a long term relationship she may just have done everything with that person and links a lot of memories to them. It's more honest than saying 'friend' so at least you know she's not holding out on you. She may not be completely over him but if she's still showing up and putting in an effort then she is giving you a chance to be her man. I know it stings to hear about another guy when you want to be the only man in her life -- but it's early still. You still have a chance of being the only man in her life if things work out and you'll know you have a honest woman based on these types of things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Is it the same ex she mentioned or different ones? Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 In what kind of context? Sometimes I mention my exes but only incidentally. I would be vague about it. I wouldn't hide it either and pretend it was a friend if it was an ex I was talking about. To some questions, you end up mentioning the ex because it's relevant to the question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 it could be that she isn't fully over the *experience* of being with him, and uses that as an example/frame of reference. even when you move on from someone emotionally the experiences always remain. and, there is a difference between talking about an ex and their qualities and how awesome they were, and etc. and just using the ex as examples for stories and such. if it's the latter it should start to diminish as you guys continue on. it might also be that she doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, so whenever she relates a story she has t use the ex as the example. i don't think it's a problem unless it's actually his qualities she is mentioning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unbeknown Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 From what I gather there's one main ex she long-term dated who she mentions a lot but also seems to bring up another ex with every story. I'm not an insecure type of guy but just find it quite rude how she spends so much time talking about ex's with me. I live in the moment and really couldn't care abou ther past. That's history to me. I'm dating her for who she is now. I can't really remember what kind of context she brings them up but it's mostly around "I went there with my ex and we did this and e bought me that etc etc". Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So I'm dating this girl and she mentions her ex quite a lot. They finished quite some time ago from what I gather but whenever we're talking she always links her stories back to ex's. We've had about 4 dates now and I think she's mentioned an ex on every single occasion. I normally just ignore it and change the subject on to something else. It is starting to get a bit boring now though. If it was me and I had a story about an ex I'd change the 'ex' to a 'friend' for the purpose of the story. Am I wrong to just find it disrespectful? Should I just call it a day if she mentions her ex so much? Perhaps still not completely over him? dude you've only went out with this chick 4 times. how much time did u spend together? 10 hours? she's not your girlfriend Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I agree it can be inevitable. I was with someone for 6 years, and several other LTRs too, so many significant experiences happened with or because of my exes. Those experiences are important and have shaped who I am. Want me to pretend I've never had a good experience with people in my past? You're afraid of someone who isn't even in the picture anymore? Then I guess you're just too insecure to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 It's disrespectful. Until you're an established couple and can start to explore what your histories have been like before each other, you're absolutely right that it's best to make past stories involving ex more vague. I'd say something like 'when I went to this country' omitting the ex (unless they're part of the story... then I wouldn't tell it) or just 'someone' or as you say, 'a friend' 'a bunch of us'. I don't understand people who do this. To me it would be a major clanger to say the word 'ex' when starting to date someone new, unless we were actively talking about our relationship histories. I suspect sometimes people do it to try and sound more desirable, maybe stir up a bit of jealousy or competition. Or they want to seem appealing in a 'look how many other people wanted me' to portray themselves as a catch. Either way it's immature and rude. Next time she does it, simply say to her straight 'every time I've met up with you, you've brought your ex into the conversation. Is there something still going on between you two?' and just let her talk. It's not the sign of someone jealous who can't handle a past, it's the sign of someone with the balls to set boundaries, if she won't. You need to know if you're wasting your time with her. I completely endorse this entire post. Boundaries need to be set. I made a post not long ago about this same issue. I'm 31 years old, but I notice it has become more common the last few years. I have never seen a woman like this get very far with me or one of my friends. Proceed with caution, good sir. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I disagree here..... What stories are told eith the ex? It be one thing if she was talking about relationship issues with the ex. If you ask her about what she has done, ether edge has travelled, and places she has gone the ex ( one or many) will be mentioned. You need to grow up here. Unsure how old you are but if you end up dating a dingle mom who has an involved dad thorn you are going to have problems. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I agree it can be inevitable. I was with someone for 6 years, and several other LTRs too, so many significant experiences happened with or because of my exes. Those experiences are important and have shaped who I am. Want me to pretend I've never had a good experience with people in my past? You're afraid of someone who isn't even in the picture anymore? Then I guess you're just too insecure to be with me. Replace every use of the word "you're" in your last paragraph with "I/me". In psychology, this is called 'projection'. Sure, we've all had siginificant life experiences that involve other people, but there is always a way to reframe the story to be mindful of the other. I think the consensus is that it is expected to some degree at some future point, but when it is excessive and early on in the relationship, it is a red flag 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 My experience, when a woman constantly talks about an ex or many exes she just isn't all that into me. Once in a while is fine but every conversation has meant I was her source of attention while the guy she's thinking of gave her just enough time to bed her. Worst case but its happened to me three times and ended the same way so now I don't get attached tomwomen like this. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I dunno, if you have spent a significant amount of time in LTRs I think it's inevitable that occasional mentioning of the ex will come up. Unless it's in some way being used like 'my ex used to drive such a great car/buy me such great stuff/was such a great listener' I would let the occasional reference slide. I think saying something like 'it sounds like you are not over your ex' seems a bit insecure unless you have good cause to believe this. Link to post Share on other sites
scubasteve Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Walk away and never look back..... it will save the heartache and your mind Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Am I wrong to just find it disrespectful? Should I just call it a day if she mentions her ex so much? Perhaps still not completely over him? Not wrong, this would get old with me fast. If you're dead keen on her next time she goes on about her ex say in a friendly way.....I'm not really interested in your ex's I'd like to focus on us. If that doesn't do the trick then you may have to let her go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Not wrong, this would get old with me fast. If you're dead keen on her next time she goes on about her ex say in a friendly way.....I'm not really interested in your ex's I'd like to focus on us. If that doesn't do the trick then you may have to let her go. OP ...this exactly ^^^^^ I'm sure she's had lots of experiences but if she's clueless/careless about mentioning him bring to her attention ...she'll respect you for it. It could indicate she's not over him even if it's been a while as well so tread lightly even if she corrects her behavior. Had this experience earlier this year so speaking from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts