Can't get a date or GF

[Jkerr3]

I'm 21 and I've never had a GF or had sex before. Until recently it never bothered me, I was so busy with everything else in life that it didn't bother me. However the past few months it's really been upsetting me, to the point I think I might be depressed. I regularly find myself feeling like I'm going to start crying for no reason.

 

The thing is I have great social skills and am a very outgoing person. I'm fairly successful for my age, I work as a consultant on a major IT "information technology" project. I regularly have meetings and go to conventions where I speak in front of large groups of people. I'm friends with everyone in my office even the women, however virtually everyone I work with is twice my age and/or married. I have no problem approaching women or men or anyone for that matter and starting a conversation. However when I talk to girls it seems to go nowhere most of the time. For example last night I went out with my friends met this girl who seemed really nice and ambitious. I got her phone number and texted her today and got no response, I can't tell you how many times this has happened. Although I have been on 2 dates in the past 2 months. The first was my first date ever and I was VERY nervous. It was a double date with my buddy and his GF and we went to a bar, I started drinking to calm my nerves and drank a little too much. The girl was really nice and attractive and she had a great personality however I never made a move on her which I think turned her off "that and my excess drinking", so when I asked her to go on another date with me she respectfully denied. The second date I felt much more comfortable and had no problem getting a little more intimate "and there was no alcohol involved". But the girl was not really my type and he was a little crazy "kept talking about how all her sisters/cousins got pregnant in high school". I never asked her about another date, outside of that I've had no luck. I'm also taking classes at my local university, there is a girl in my class who I like, I asked her to be in my group with me figuring that'd be a good way for me to get to know her, asked her to hang out with me after class so we can bond as a group"I thought this would work" but she said she was busy. Then I saw her at a party on Thursday and tried talking to her and she said she has a boyfriend and walked off as like a hint for me to not hit on her.

 

I'm just having no luck here, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Or what I should do to change things. Maybe it's my personality and experiences in the business world that make this tough for me, I'm used to a process of do this and you'll get X outcome. People told me to go to parties/bars, talk to girls in class, well I do that but I'm not getting the positive outcome. And it's not as much about sex for me as just having a companion, even if we weren't having sex just a girl who likes me and I like her. I went to Puerto Rico a few months ago for a music festival, at first I was having a great time but seeing I many couples and me being single just started to really upset me. I don't want a bunch of 1 night stands or to be with a prostitute. Idk what to do.

[Jkerr3]

Are the any woman out there that could give me some tips as to what I'm doing wrong here?

[EricaH329]

It takes most of us a decent amount of time to find someone to date consistently. Since you just recently started dating, i'd honestly say that you need the experience. You won't know what you're doing wrong, until you've given it enough time.

 

Dating is a learning experience for all of us. For every date we go on, we are one step closer to realizing the things we want/don't want in a S/O. For now, i'd say get out as much as you can, continue going on dates, and try to learn something from each of them. I mean, you're already on the right track. You've acknowledged that drinking too much isn't a good thing. Lesson learned.

 

(And for the record, you've already exceeded the amount of dates i've been on in the last 2 months. So i'd say you're doing you're OK )

[thecrucible]

There's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there. But hard as it is, try not to overly worry about getting a gf as it could send out unintentionally desperate vibes. Every time it doesn't work out, you should take it as a positive. Every time you don't fail, you haven't been trying in the first place. People don't always talk about the failures in their own dating lives so you don't gain that sense of perspective. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone goes through this. Please don't despair.

 

Also don't worry about the sex thing. If you want to really get it out of your system, don't wait for the perfect relationship or you will be waiting a a while. I lost my virginity to my first bf although he turned out not to be right guy for me. I was glad it was with someone I liked but I put too much pressure on myself at the time for it to be someone I would love forever so I ended staying with him for far too long. I realised with some experience, that I had built up sex too much in my head.

 

How often do you meet people outside of work? Are you in any sports or other clubs? Sometimes it's easier to meet someone genuine when not on nights out or in alcohol fuelled situations.

[Jkerr3]

I'm not in any sports or clubs or anything, between work and class my time is limited. Although I did start taking a cycling class, in actuality the only guy in the class lol. I've been chatting with the instructor after class and I've been thinking about asking her out, hopefully she'll say yes because otherwise going to the class might get akward haha......

 

Im not really waiting for the right person, although I have turned down a girl from SEX b4. Maybe that was a mistake lol, I'm pretty sure if I texted that crazy chick she'd bang me lol. But I'm just not really interested. As long as she's not crazy and a generally friendly person we should get along fine, I'm not really picky. Although I only hit on girls like 6-8 on a 1-10 scale, which I honestly think is in my range in terms of looks.

[thecrucible]

Then I guess it's just a numbers game. I have the same problem with you tbh. I just don't meet enough new men and the people I hang out with socially are either older than me, married or women.

 

But hey you've got a few numbers recently so that's good going. You say you are very outgoing so that's also good. Perhaps it's only a matter of time.

[d0nnivain]

Being nervous & drinking too much are slight easy to overcome problems. Don't get your courage from the bottom of a glass.

 

 

Apply the principles that made you successful at work to dating. Put in effort. Be on time. Do your work etc.

 

 

Perhaps talk to your buddy's girl the one you went on the double date with. Give her permission to be brutally honest then enlist her help in getting a GF.

[Jkerr3]

Being nervous & drinking too much are slight easy to overcome problems. Don't get your courage from the bottom of a glass.

 

 

Apply the principles that made you successful at work to dating. Put in effort. Be on time. Do your work etc.

 

 

Perhaps talk to your buddy's girl the one you went on the double date with. Give her permission to be brutally honest then enlist her help in getting a GF.

 

The thing with work is its very straightforward, if I want to I business with someone I walk up and say lets have a meeting. Boom simple, they either say yes or no, we meet talk and see if we can work together. From my experience that doesn't work with woman lol. I've actually tried this just saying hey let's go out, didn't go well.

 

He actually broke up with her recently, and I feel like that's a real akward question to ask someone.

[Mrlonelyone]

Jkerr the truth is that 21 is still young. You are still young for dating seriously and should just focus on having fun and having friends. At your age even when it is serious it isn't so serious. Heck ever heard of a so-called "starter marriage". That is people about your age who even get married but when it really comes down to the real dirty business of being married aren't in it for the long haul.

 

I tell you that to offer some logical perspective on it all. Dating and mating aren't a big deal or a big rush. Just relax and step back. You'll find someone great eventually. You'll have to date a lot of women who may not be so great to find that one but you will. It might be next year, or when you are 31.

 

Wait and be patient.

 

As cold a thought as it is. Think of it this way.

 

If you are destined to find a special someone or several special someones they too are out there right now living their lives. They may be dating someone or they may be alone. They are having great times or bad times. No matter what they are doing it is all in a sense preparation for meeting you. What you are going thorugh now is preparing you to meet them.

 

Have faith that somewhere in a planet with 7 billion people that even if only one in ten million could work for you. That's at least a couple hundred women who could love you.

[Jkerr3]

Being nervous & drinking too much are slight easy to overcome problems. Don't get your courage from the bottom of a glass.

 

 

Apply the principles that made you successful at work to dating. Put in effort. Be on time. Do your work etc.

 

 

Perhaps talk to your buddy's girl the one you went on the double date with. Give her permission to be brutally honest then enlist her help in getting a GF.

 

Jkerr the truth is that 21 is still young. You are still young for dating seriously and should just focus on having fun and having friends. At your age even when it is serious it isn't so serious. Heck ever heard of a so-called "starter marriage". That is people about your age who even get married but when it really comes down to the real dirty business of being married aren't in it for the long haul.

 

I tell you that to offer some logical perspective on it all. Dating and mating aren't a big deal or a big rush. Just relax and step back. You'll find someone great eventually. You'll have to date a lot of women who may not be so great to find that one but you will. It might be next year, or when you are 31.

 

Wait and be patient.

 

As cold a thought as it is. Think of it this way.

 

If you are destined to find a special someone or several special someones they too are out there right now living their lives. They may be dating someone or they may be alone. They are having great times or bad times. No matter what they are doing it is all in a sense preparation for meeting you. What you are going thorugh now is preparing you to meet them.

 

Have faith that somewhere in a planet with 7 billion people that even if only one in ten million could work for you. That's at least a couple hundred women who could love you.

 

I'm not looking to get married and I'm not in a rush, I'd just love to have an active dating life right now. Maybe I meet a great girl maybe not, there's no way to find her if my dating prospects are zero..... Basically I'm just looking to have fun, and let's just be honest here any guy will tell you life is more fun with a girl than without one, even if she's not gunna be your future wife.

[d0nnivain]

If you have the business confidence to walk up to somebody & start a conversation about working together you have the social confidence. Just use a softer "sell." Talk to various women. Ask them about themselves. After a while ask for a number maybe even when is the best time to call. Be friendly & although straight forward is good, perhaps power down the intensity.

 

 

You are right. If your buddy broke up with his GF you can't really go to her for advice.

 

 

Are you involved in any co-ed social groups where you can get to know folks before you try to make a date with one?

[Buddhist]

I'm just having no luck here, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Or what I should do to change things. Maybe it's my personality and experiences in the business world that make this tough for me, I'm used to a process of do this and you'll get X outcome. People told me to go to parties/bars, talk to girls in class, well I do that but I'm not getting the positive outcome. And it's not as much about sex for me as just having a companion, even if we weren't having sex just a girl who likes me and I like her. I went to Puerto Rico a few months ago for a music festival, at first I was having a great time but seeing I many couples and me being single just started to really upset me. I don't want a bunch of 1 night stands or to be with a prostitute. Idk what to do.

 

There's nothing you're doing wrong, this is just dating in your early 20's I'm afraid. You seem to be a little further along than most at 21, have you tried hitting up an older woman, someone say closer to 30? They are more serious minded over 25, meaning more likely to give you a bit of a chance because they're looking for a boyfriend. That's not much of an age gap and she's more likely to be looking for a relationship than just fun and games. And fun and games for many young women means rejecting young guys.

[Stage5Clinger]

You should start "going out" and doing things with male friends. Make more male friends and hang out with them more. It's similar to groups of girls -- you have power in numbers. A group of girls makes them all look more attractive than they are individually. You also get confidence with a few buddies cheering you on to get a girl's number. Just never stop trying, ask a lot of girls out, and be honest about your virginity when they ask.

[CalvinM]

Get out there, meet people. I'd give my right arm to be 21 again, knowing what I know now. But then I'd probably be 21 and clueless instead of 34 and charming, with great insight on what women look for and how to approach women.

 

At this point, I know what I'm looking for in a girlfriend and I don't have any issues getting dates because I went through what you're going through now and asked women I went out with for feedback. Believe me, it gets easier the more you put yourself out there and the more people you meet.

 

Just don't grip the stick too tight and you'll do fine.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm not looking to get married and I'm not in a rush, I'd just love to have an active dating life right now. Maybe I meet a great girl maybe not, there's no way to find her if my dating prospects are zero..... Basically I'm just looking to have fun, and let's just be honest here any guy will tell you life is more fun with a girl than without one, even if she's not gunna be your future wife.

 

I know I know. I was just using that of an example of how lightly most people in your age group +/-5 years or so take even marriage much less dating, living together etc.

 

Right now it is all about exploring yourselves and figuring out who you are as an adult etc. Just don't worry about it. It will happen.

[bluefeather]

I would say more talking to women, and less reading words on a forum. Sorry, just my blunt opinion: You're doing something wrong. But it's ok. More real-world experience can help. When you fail, keep doing it and learn. I once sexually offered myself to a woman who I had just met, but was incredibly hot to me. I talked to her for about 20 minutes and then just went out and said it. Won't go into detail but I told her with struggled eloquence that I would love to give her head. And that was in person, not over the phone or through timid little text. I'd never flat out said anything like that before, but I couldn't resist being so honest with her. Did it work? No... but I was only 16, and she was much older (looked around early 30s). I'm not saying to go out and do that to people, but my point is keep experimenting. Learn what works and what doesn't. And learn what works with what people.

[Jkerr3]

Get out there, meet people. I'd give my right arm to be 21 again, knowing what I know now. But then I'd probably be 21 and clueless instead of 34 and charming, with great insight on what women look for and how to approach women.

 

At this point, I know what I'm looking for in a girlfriend and I don't have any issues getting dates because I went through what you're going through now and asked women I went out with for feedback. Believe me, it gets easier the more you put yourself out there and the more people you meet.

 

Just don't grip the stick too tight and you'll do fine.

 

Just curious where do you meet most of the women your dating, I think this is a big part of my problem. Most of my college friends are either in frats or play ball and the girls that go to their parties all want to bang athletes and frat boys, no lie. What's the best venue to go to meet women, should I just approach every attractive women I come across who's not married lol?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

There are guys older than you who have never had a relationship and still a virgin

[Jkerr3]

There are guys older than you who have never had a relationship and still a virgin

 

That's not much of a consolation lol, there's 40 years with no job who live with there parents, that doesn't make it ok for a 25 year old to live like that.

 

I'd rather not compare myself to the bottom of the barrel, I mean sure there are 40 year old virgins but I don't wanna be one lol. I strive to be the best in any situation.