bf binge drinks

[patriotsgirl]

I've been with my bf for 5 months he's amazing he is smart, intelligent, and loving. He works and goes to school. He is about to go to med school. The only major issue I have is he binge drinks once or twice a month. He gets into fights when he drinks and does things he normally wouldn't do if he was sober. Normally when he's drunk he professes his love for me but last time he started calling me names. We were arguing before he started drinking.

 

To be fair I can be verbally abusive at times. I have a bad temper. He is very forgiving and says he is willing to help me work past my issues. He said my temper is my only flaw. I understand no one is perfect but his drinking is a major problem. He said he will not drink anymore only or special occasions he will have a drink or two if I'm there to cut him off. He said that a month ago but he ended up binge drinking again. Idk if I can believe him.

 

His father is white collar he has a great career and he drinks several beers a night he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for his dad to drink so much. His brother gets drunk and gets into fights too. I think he said his other brother drinks every night too. He doesn't think of himself as an alcoholic.

 

I told him I will never talk to him if he ever binge drinks again he said he won't. I told him that a month ago over text the situation wasn't as dramatic but this time I think he's seen I've had it. He wants me to live with him and marry him next yr but idk if I should be with him or give him a chance. I have a feeling this won't be the last time he does this.

 

It's so hard to let go bc I love who he is when he is sober he's everything I want. He is able to look past my flaws I'm just not sure if he can change.

 

*he doesn't binge everytime he drinks we've gone to dinner and had cocktails and drank at gatherings and he didn't get out of hand

 

-my bf is a wonderful person when sober

-he is very forgiving and understanding of my anger problem

-he binge drinks once or twice a month

-he wants a future with me but I'm afraid he has a drinking problem

-I suspect he won't change his behavior

Edited September 27, 2015 by patriotsgirl

[phineas]

I think you drive him to drink.

Seriously.

 

Most people his age get wasted twice a week.

twice a month makes him above average.

He just happens to be a bad drunk.

 

The good news is when he does goto medical school he probably won't have time for you or drinking if he doesn't want to flunk out or end up in vet school so you probably won't have to worry about him drinking & can find someone else to be verbally abusive too.

[Jules Dash]

Your boyfriend needs help just like the person who abuses alcohol on a daily basis and this is what many people do not understand. Most people only think of the alcohol abuser as the guy who drinks every day.

 

Your boyfriend has some bad signs here such as close relatives, especially his fathers being alcoholics and that he is someone who is usually nice until he drinks then he gets violent.

 

He should seek help and become sober before entering medical school.

[nescafe1982]

She drives him to it? really? Insane. He's responsible for his actions.

 

OP, what concerns me about your post:

 

1) he changes when he drinks, and becomes erratic;

2) he becomes verbally abusive when he drinks;

3) you two talk about your relationship via text message (a distant third, but why choose texting as venue for this discussion? can you elaborate there?)

 

If I were in your shoes, I would seriously be rethinking whether or not you want to hitch yourself up to a man whose personality changes when he's drinking. Sure, young people drink, even in excess. But someone who becomes abusive while drunk is liable to continue to be abusive in the longer term. Your post doesn't tell me he's for certain an alcoholic... but many of the signs are there and I would be very concerned about his drinking if I were you.

 

It's not the frequency of his binge drinking that makes this worrisome. It's the change in personality.

[smackie9]

No I disagree he is an alcoholic. You don't have to be stumbling drunk everyday to be one. A bad drunk is an alcoholic, and a sure sign he is one is his denial. He says he can keep it under control and only have a few.....bull sh it, don't believe it. He is abusive even when he doesn't drink, that's just trouble. You got it right, this isn't right. To add your anger issues is just a match lighting gasoline to the situation. Get out now. And I hope instead of finding someone to over look your issues, get into some anger management classes or find a support group.

[Guyouthere]

I can't tell you how many horror stories I have seen with situations like this.

 

Thank God some women have the sense to get out before it ends in a bad way.

 

The message is clear, and you have been warned by his alcoholic tendencies.

 

You know what to do, do it for you.

 

Alcoholism (and yes it is that) in a relationship always ends in disaster.

[joseb]

"To be fair I can be verbally abusive at times. I have a bad temper."

 

What are you doing to resolve your issues?

[Nemetona]

Dump him ASAP and go into therapy.

[d0nnivain]

Go to an al-anon meeting. It's a group for people in love with alcoholics. Think about what you learn there & apply it to your relationship to determine if you want to stick around knowing you cannot change him.

[CarrieT]

Does he not realize that his binge drinking will preclude him from getting a medical degree?

 

How badly does he want to be a doctor? He might be able to hide during school, but when he starts a residency, his ass will be booted if he shows signs like what you have described.

[futureglory263]

hey there. i would certainly consider the issues that your bf is having to give you pause. as some others have mentioned, the fact that he has closely related family with similar issues can be a red flag.

 

remember...when guys are dating, they are generally on their best behavior. almost always, flaws and/or issues that crop up during dating, become larger problems after marriage, if not fully addressed and resolved beforehand.

 

in my opinion, you have reason to be concerned..although he realizes the binge drinking is a problem (he agreed to reduce his drinking, after all), he broke his commitment and drank again. it is particularly alarming because of the possibility of violence in his inebriated state.

 

a litmus question i would ask you is, even if he does not change, would you marry him? because you cannot count on a person to change because you marry them. countless times, people get married to someone hoping that they will change, or the marriage will change them, or that they will change their spouse. sometimes it happens, often it does not. are you willing to risk that?

[kendahke]

To be fair I can be verbally abusive at times. I have a bad temper.

 

Get that under control because it will lead you into more heartache and avoidable nonsense.

 

You can list all of his good, wonderful qualities until times get better, but they are all cut off at the knees because he's a binge drinker. The good gets cancelled out by his antics. Unfortunately, he's probably not going to stop just because you are making noise about it right now. He'll just get better at hiding his drinking on those days.

 

Marrying him means you are forever (until one of you dies or you two divorce) walking on eggshells, wondering if today is the day he's going to come home blazing drunk and start going in on you. Will you learn to cope by being his enabler? Or his verbal punching bag?

 

Love doesn't cure this kind of illness---it's something that he 1. needs to address and 2. being a med student, he should know very well the damage done to the brain and liver by alcohol... yet he still does it. Not seeking help for his drinking is him not taking responsibility for himself. All drunks think they can handle it until the day comes when they can't and they damage something or someone.

 

I had my turn on that knob with a binge drinker earlier this year. I'd never dealt with a drinker before in my life and I wasnt' about to begin dealing with one now. I wasn't with him long, but I saw what it was turning me into when I would call and pray that he wouldn't answer the phone with slurred speech. I am not about that life and he had to go. Nice guy, very funny, great sense of humor, but I refuse to deal with a drunk.

 

A drunk will age you before your time.

[mystikmind2005]

Mebe it is a bit harsh of me to admit this but my impression of people who binge drink usually involves such words as moron, idiot, unintelligent, loser, incapable of a simple degree of self discipline.

 

You don't want to be with such a person, honestly!