Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Went on a 2nd date with a man. When the bill came at the restaurant he asked "do you mind if I pay?" This is a new one for me. Usually the man just pays or might say "I'll get this." Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. I guess this "do you mind if I pay?" is really very considerate? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Seems to me (IMHO) that he found the perfect way to resolve the "Who Pays?" dilemma that's all the *rage* in early-dating, these days. The woman will either say, "Of course not. You ARE the man, aren't you?" or "Sure...I'll get it the next time!" or "What the hell?!? Do I LOOK like some broke-a** homeless piece of trash who CAN'T afford to pay her own way?!?" like most of us "feminazis" typically, loudly, and embarrassingly respond with (to hear some of the men tell it, anyway.) It's called an open-ended question and it's a tactic used by people who are interested in knowing more about the person with whom they're interacting. In other words, he reads like a real gem...and someone worth getting to know better. Best of luck with him, OP... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 It's not a phrase you normally here, but I like it. I plan to use it from now on 5 Link to post Share on other sites
WonderKid Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 He was just making sure. You know how independent woman these days Lol Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 The woman will either say, "Of course not. You ARE the man, aren't you?" or... "we'll split it," as she places her card beside mine with no hesitation. I started seeing a woman a couple of weeks ago who did just that on our first and second dates. On the third she paid for the bicycles, I paid for dinner and she got the drinks afterward (when I went to the men's room). For the forth she said, "if I come to your place will you feed me?" Following the first date she was unambiguous in texting that she had a nice time and hoped that we could go out again... and continues to express her wishes and feelings with tact and directness. And doesn't give up one iota of grace or femininity in doing so. And, she's no longer logging into the dating site. Damn she's good! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 "let's split it," as she places her card beside mine with no hesitation. I started seeing a woman a couple of weeks ago who did just that on our first and second dates. On the third she paid for the bicycles, I paid for dinner and she got the drinks afterward (when I went to the men's room). For the forth she said, "if I come to your place will you feed me?" Following the first date she was unambiguous in texting that she had a nice time and hoped that we could go out again... and continues to express her wishes and feelings with tact and directness. And doesn't give up one iota of grace or femininity in doing so. And, she's no longer logging into the dating site. Damn she's good! Yup. She reads like a gem, too. You must be pretty A-OK, too...if you're not put off by her "feminazi-ish" ways. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Yup. She reads like a gem, too. You must be pretty A-OK, too...if you're not put off by her "feminazi-ish" ways. Not in the least- but I don't get a feminazi-ish feeling about it. She knows who she is- she's confident, competent and progressive but doesn't need to make a show of it. My impression is that she just gets it, and I guess she senses that I get it. The gender stuff is not mixed up- she feels feminine and makes me feel masculine. It's just a really nice vibe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Went on a 2nd date with a man. When the bill came at the restaurant he asked "do you mind if I pay?" This is a new one for me. Usually the man just pays or might say "I'll get this." Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. I guess this "do you mind if I pay?" is really very considerate? The who pays is a no win dammed if you/don't situation. A strong independent women may take offense if the guy pays because they don't want to feel like they are relying on him. Others take offense because if he pays he may be expecting something in return. If the man pays without asking then he may thing he is dominant and not an equal.... I could go on.... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Went on a 2nd date with a man. When the bill came at the restaurant he asked "do you mind if I pay?" This is a new one for me. Usually the man just pays or might say "I'll get this." Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. I guess this "do you mind if I pay?" is really very considerate? I'm confused, this came up on the second date? What was the first date? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I really like the sound of this guy OP. He is direct and kind but also considerate. I am one of those women who has a "thing" about money. I never used to be this way and its not because I am some raving feminist. But it is because I had years of abuse and being accused of not being financially "worthy" if I didn't pay for everything and if I asked for help with rent etc every now and then. Yes he was living in my house. Its left a scar so I actually feel VERY uncomfortable with a man paying for me. It is the sort of thing that will lead to me walking away because it would freak me out. I would feel more comfortable walking down the high street in my underwear singing songs from the Sound of Music than allowing a man to pay for me. It is that big a "thing" for me. Like others say - you just say no problem and catch the next one or you go halves. Easy. Keep this one though. He sounds like a gem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThugLifing Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I'll definitely start asking myself. I've never thought to ask if it was okay, I just pay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I like that.... I am the same way. It's showing respect to you, unassuming. For instance, I'm very old fashioned when it comes to how a man treats a lady. I will pay for things, open doors for her, carry things, cook for her, (the list is pretty self-explanatory). I do however ask first, since I only started dating her 6 weeks ago. I asked her, "may I get the door for you?" the first time she rode in my truck. She smiled and said yes, and now she waits for me. I feel that by asking, you are giving her the choice, by just assuming and doing, you are controlling her and while the intentions might be right, it could be taken disrespectfully. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. BRILLIANT! He`s being polite by asking you FIRST but also he`s opened up it as a question so you can offer to pay HALF. Then there is some people who expect us men to pay. I took out one girl I like and found out I paid even for the second date. I dont mind the first but it put me off her and I never got back in touch with her only to find out she kept on calling me after. Dont expect us men to pay for everything when you order a huge buffet lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 I really like the sound of this guy OP. He is direct and kind but also considerate. I am one of those women who has a "thing" about money. I never used to be this way and its not because I am some raving feminist. But it is because I had years of abuse and being accused of not being financially "worthy" if I didn't pay for everything and if I asked for help with rent etc every now and then. Yes he was living in my house. Its left a scar so I actually feel VERY uncomfortable with a man paying for me. It is the sort of thing that will lead to me walking away because it would freak me out. I would feel more comfortable walking down the high street in my underwear singing songs from the Sound of Music than allowing a man to pay for me. It is that big a "thing" for me. Like others say - you just say no problem and catch the next one or you go halves. Easy. Keep this one though. He sounds like a gem. So I would expect to pick up the tab on date #3? If he tries to pay the whole thing turn him down? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 I like that.... I am the same way. It's showing respect to you, unassuming. For instance, I'm very old fashioned when it comes to how a man treats a lady. I will pay for things, open doors for her, carry things, cook for her, (the list is pretty self-explanatory). I do however ask first, since I only started dating her 6 weeks ago. I asked her, "may I get the door for you?" the first time she rode in my truck. She smiled and said yes, and now she waits for me. I feel that by asking, you are giving her the choice, by just assuming and doing, you are controlling her and while the intentions might be right, it could be taken disrespectfully. You sound like a great catch. Keep it up 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. BRILLIANT! He`s being polite by asking you FIRST but also he`s opened up it as a question so you can offer to pay HALF. Then there is some people who expect us men to pay. I took out one girl I like and found out I paid even for the second date. I dont mind the first but it put me off her and I never got back in touch with her only to find out she kept on calling me after. Dont expect us men to pay for everything when you order a huge buffet lol IME men tend to automatically want to pay for at least the first 3 dates. In the past I've dated men who insist on paying for pretty much every date, for months and months. They would only let me pay for minor stuff like coffees. Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. IME men tend to automatically want to pay for at least the first 3 dates. In the past I've dated men who insist on paying for pretty much every date, for months and months. They would only let me pay for minor stuff like coffees. Good for you. Must be your charm. lol. Did you counter offer and ask if you could pay half? Er.....no!. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Went on a 2nd date with a man. When the bill came at the restaurant he asked "do you mind if I pay?" This is a new one for me. Usually the man just pays or might say "I'll get this." Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. I guess this "do you mind if I pay?" is really very considerate? Yes, I think this is a sign of respect. It is becoming common practice for women to pay for some dates now. I usually paid for the third date. If the man had said this to me I would say "thank you. I'll take care of the next one (which would be a hint to ask me again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 Good for you. Must be your charm. lol. Did you counter offer and ask if you could pay half? Er.....no!. No! ????? Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Assuming the guy did the inviting.... I usually just take the bill without a word being said. Even if the date was her (gently hinted) idea, I would still grab the bill silently. If we date often or if she very firmly invited me, who pays becomes more of an issue. Some older women (you define that as you will) were raised in different times and could be very uncomfortable paying a bill. A gentle gentleman would automatically pay to spare her the embarrassment she perceives from paying for a man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Some older women (you define that as you will) were raised in different times and could be very uncomfortable paying a bill. I think that would be me ... I prefer to pay cash, so I give that to my date beforehand. He takes care of the bill. If I must pay by credit card, I arrange it with the restaurant before we're seated. The nicer restaurants know how to handle this smoothly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 So I would expect to pick up the tab on date #3? If he tries to pay the whole thing turn him down? In keeping with the 'tradition,' if he does that again I'd say "ok but only as long as I can pay next time" or sth along those lines. That way you don't have to get into that whole cludgy thing of evaluating the bill and agreeing on a tip rate and sharing out assets, etc. (Either one or the other should always pay - at least until you're ultra-comfy w/each other - and sharing should be done by alternating who pays, not splitting the bill. IMO.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Just take her out of town to a place you will never go back to, eat, skip out without paying the bill, and have the police chase you afterwards. This accomplishes two things…. Meal is free, and you give her a date she will never forget 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I wouldn't be impressed. To me it shows that he *emphasize* on the fact that he will pay, trying to test your reaction to that. If he genuinely wants to pay, he'd do it without announcing it. If I genuinely want to pay - I'd do the same. I dated a guy that asked to split the bill, date 1-3. It is equal but it created a friendship pattern (same guy also never attempted a physical contact). On date 4 he texted me: " Do you want to go see xxx? I'm happy to treat you if you're comfortable with that". Well... I'd be happy to "treat me", if he didn't announce it. In that case, I said thank you, "treated him back" with a dinner after the event, and then we saw each other a few more times - as Friends. Went on a 2nd date with a man. When the bill came at the restaurant he asked "do you mind if I pay?" This is a new one for me. Usually the man just pays or might say "I'll get this." Then you get the occasional cheap dude who will not pay. I guess this "do you mind if I pay?" is really very considerate? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 Just take her out of town to a place you will never go back to, eat, skip out without paying the bill, and have the police chase you afterwards. This accomplishes two things…. Meal is free, and you give her a date she will never forget **crying with laughter** 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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