Texting a friend he had sex with in the past

[rkendra]

There are so many mixed messages in society about what's right and what's wrong, so maybe you guys can offer your personal view on the topic.

 

Ok, so my boyfriend and I, both 31 yrs old, have been dating for five months. He's great, we're deeply in love, and he always spends his free time with me when we both are able to. We spend a lot of time together, he presented me to his whole family and some friends already, etc. My concern is his female friends, in particular one who he still texts often. It wouldn't be so concerning if he hadn't told me that he had sex with her before-- she was still married and he was on-and-off with his ex. So while he's very open on and offline about our relationship and how much he loves me, she doesn't seem like the type of person who would be deterred by that to go for someone.

 

He met her when they were teens, he used to have a crush on her back then. She helped him get his current job, and he told me that she's easy and that she's had sex with almost everyone in the office. He will be starting a new job next week where she now works.

 

In the beginning his friendship with her didn't bother me at all, but as time goes by and our love gets stronger and more serious, it bothers me more. In the beginning he had told me that he would stop talking to her if I ask. Of course I wouldn't ask him that, and back then it didn't bother me. Now he can't stop talking even if I asked because they'll be working together. He says he only talks to her to get insider info from the new company. He says he actually resents her because she used him for sex without intention of anything serious years ago, and because she always liked having him around just in case her current relationship doesnt work out. I sense there is still some connection, and it really bothers me that this is probably something I'll have to deal with if we do stay together, which seems to be the plan since we're so in love we're even considering marriage one day. So how can I deal with it? Is this common?

 

The way I dealt with it recently when I saw her text him, was I started texting a guy I haven't talked to in a while, right in front of him. So when he saw me do that, he did it more-- texted the girl more because I was texting him. Are we going to live this way always? Taking revenge, back and forth?

 

I'm used to dating introverts who don't have that many friends at all, especially of the opposite sex, which makes this even harder. But this guy is so amazing otherwise, I would hate if it ended for one bad thing.

Edited September 17, 2015 by rkendra

[Redhead14]

There are so many mixed messages in society about what's right and what's wrong, so maybe you guys can offer your personal view on the topic.

 

Ok, so my boyfriend and I, both 31 yrs old, have been dating for five months. He's great, we're deeply in love, and he always spends his free time with me when we both are able to. We spend a lot of time together, he presented me to his whole family and some friends already, etc. My concern is his female friends, in particular one who he still texts often. It wouldn't be so concerning if he hadn't told me that he had sex with her before-- she was still married and he was on-and-off with his ex. So while he's very open on and offline about our relationship and how much he loves me, she doesn't seem like the type of person who would be deterred by that to go for someone.

 

He met her when they were teens, he used to have a crush on her back then. She helped him get his current job, and he told me that she's easy and that she's had sex with almost everyone in the office. He will be starting a new job next week where she now works.

 

In the beginning his friendship with her didn't bother me at all, but as time goes by and our love gets stronger and more serious, it bothers me more. In the beginning he had told me that he would stop talking to her if I ask. Of course I wouldn't ask him that, and back then it didn't bother me. Now he can't stop talking even if I asked because they'll be working together. He says he only talks to her to get insider info from the new company. He says he actually resents her because she used him for sex without intention of anything serious years ago, and because she always liked having him around just in case her current relationship doesnt work out. I sense there is still some connection, and it really bothers me that this is probably something I'll have to deal with if we do stay together, which seems to be the plan since we're so in love we're even considering marriage one day. So how can I deal with it? Is this common?

 

The way I dealt with it recently when I saw her text him, was I started texting a guy I haven't talked to in a while, right in front of him. So when he saw me do that, he did it more-- texted the girl more because I was texting him. Are we going to live this way always? Taking revenge, back and forth?

 

I'm used to dating introverts who don't have that many friends at all, especially of the opposite sex, which makes this even harder. But this guy is so amazing otherwise, I would hate if it ended for one bad thing.

So when he saw me do that, he did it more-- texted the girl more because I was texting him. Are we going to live this way always? Taking revenge, back and forth? -- Passive-aggressive and immature by both of you.

 

He offered to stop texting her if you asked. You should have told him that you would be more comfortable if he didn't do that. Instead, you squashed your needs. Have another conversation with him. Explain that it does indeed make you uncomfortable and that you would appreciate it if he curtailed that. This is not an ultimatum. IN other words, you aren't telling him what to do, you are simply telling him what you need and it's up to him to meet that need if he wants to. You don't say "or else". You give him some time to accommodate that need. If he doesn't do that or refuses, you will have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you. If he does do it for a while and then reverts, you'd still have to decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

 

This issue will fester and cause resentment and trust issues that will grow. Address is directly now and observe.

[Tobin]

The way I dealt with it recently when I saw her text him, was I started texting a guy I haven't talked to in a while, right in front of him. So when he saw me do that, he did it more-- texted the girl more because I was texting him. Are we going to live this way always? Taking revenge, back and forth?

 

How about sitting down with him and calmly and clearly explaining to him why it bothers you that he does that. If he doesn't understand, if he won't bend on this, if you will not and cannot put your fears and concerns at easy, and he refuses to break off the contact, then you may need to escalate and tell him that you will not tolerate such communication with ex's.

 

Whether you will always live like this, taking revenge back and forth is up to you up to you. Either communicate as adults or play childish games.

 

One things for sure, it won't be for "always". Such relationships do not, cannot survive.

[kendahke]

Until your boyfriend starts being truthful with himself about this woman, then I don't see anything good coming of this. Someone's going to get hurt.

 

I'll bet even money that she's not the office knob and he's just saying that to cover his own behind because he was effing a married woman. I don't believe his bluster.

 

You've already told him his friendship with her doesn't bother you. Seems he took that as his greenlight to still play with his friend.

 

Here's the thing: he's now got a legitimate reason that you cannot touch for being in touch with her now that he's going to be working closely with her.

 

Can you tolerate this for the foreseeable future? Unless he begins immediately looking for a new job, this is something that is going to be like the elephant in the living room, ishting up a storm and I dare say that nothing about this arrangement is in your favor.

 

Apparently, this woman, as much as he spits on her, is enough of a friend to him that he is willing to overlook her sketchy past and remain friends and interact on a daily basis with her---or he is that much of a jerk that he remains friends with an ex eff buddy and tries to make himself look better by saying he resents her for giving him, along with other guys, the pink?

 

The way I dealt with it recently when I saw her text him, was I started texting a guy I haven't talked to in a while, right in front of him. So when he saw me do that, he did it more-- texted the girl more because I was texting him. Are we going to live this way always? Taking revenge, back and forth?

 

Game playing never solves anything.

 

That was the time for you to say to him "you know when I told you I didn't have a problem with your relationship with chick? I have changed my mind after having observed your behavior over the course of the past few weeks. I'm noticing that for someone that you say you resent, you are playing with her like you have no problem with her or how she conducts herself and her kitty. What you said and how you're behaving are incompatible. I wish to clarify what I said earlier. I do have a problem with your relationship with her and my mind would really be set to ease if you'd stop communicating with her when you are not working with her and you're with me." If he won't back up off her, then you will know that she holds way more sway with him than he's let you see in the past and you need to keep your eyes open for more inconsistencies in behavior from him.

 

Yes, the way he's going, some mess has the potential to kick off.

[Ami1uwant]

He told you about her and was honest with you that he had sex....he texts her right in front of you. That is not be secretive.

 

You need to develop trust.

[smackie9]

Here's the deal, all you both have to do is discuss boundaries....what is appropriate/acceptable and what is not. For example, no texting constantly everyday, or no texting in the middle or late at night.

 

I agree you both need to learn how to communicate better about this.

[Tobin]

Wait- he offered to stop contacting her when you expressed your concerns initially but 'of course you said not to'.

 

Now it bothers you, back then it didn't? Why the change?

 

I think it bothered you then but you weren't honest with him, and that's your problem, not his. He offered, you said forget it, and now the problem is worse.

 

He now says he only texts her about work related issues, so thats an easy solution- request that he keeps their communication strictly business and ask him if you can periodically read the texts to ease your own irrational fears that have nothing to do with him.

 

Honestly after giving your initial post a more thorough read, I think you're being very unreasonable and dishonest with him as well as yourself.

 

This is why they say sometimes you need to work on yourself before you can be in a relationship. You really aren't being fair to him.

[LilaMarie]

Now it bothers you, back then it didn't? Why the change?

She explained why it changed. She explained how their love has grown stronger over time and they are now more serious (talking about getting married).

[Tobin]

She explained why it changed. She explained how their love has grown stronger over time and they are now more serious (talking about getting married).

 

Ok, that's fair. And it appears he is understanding and explained why he now needs to communicate regarding the business, and I'll bet he'll be willing to honor her requests to keep it to business only and give her access to the texts because he seems to be an understanding sort of guy.

 

Not seeing a problem here that can't be easily fixed, I think she's making more out of it than she needs to.

[rkendra]

Ok, that's fair. And it appears he is understanding and explained why he now needs to communicate regarding the business, and I'll bet he'll be willing to honor her requests to keep it to business only and give her access to the texts because he seems to be an understanding sort of guy.

 

Not seeing a problem here that can't be easily fixed, I think she's making more out of it than she needs to.

 

It's definitely not a deal breaker yet. I think it CAN be fixed, which is why I came to this forum to ask for advice on how to handle it.

[Tobin]

It's definitely not a deal breaker yet. I think it CAN be fixed, which is why I came to this forum to ask for advice on how to handle it.

 

Not seeing why you would even consider it to be a dealbreaker.

 

He offered to cut contact once, you said no don't bother. Then it subsequently bothered you because of stronger feelings, you brought it up again, he apologetically told you he can't cut contact completely because of work.

 

It's understandable, he's being reasonable, what do you want from the poor guy?

[central]

In my experience, it is entirely possible to go from a former romantic/sexual relationship to a platonic friendship, if both understand and observe reasonable boundaries and respect any new partners/relationships. I'm in regular (but far from daily) contact with at least 3 former lovers, and my wife is fully aware of this, knows all of them and trusts that we behave. We have good communication, and hide nothing from each other though, so at least you two need to communicate better and discuss things like boundaries with former lovers and current or future friends of the opposite sex.

[coryreply]

I think OP is more worried about this gal's motives and intentions with her man. She's already proven she's capable of highly shady behavior.

 

If that's the case, I totally get it. It's a little concerning, given their history.

[PogoStick]

You should talk with your man and explain WHAT bothers you, WHY it bothers you, and HOW it makes you feel. Let your feelings be heard and see what he's willing to do about it. Don't make any requests yet.

 

Also, it wouldn't hurt if you admit what you were doing during that texting incident. Admit you were being petty, that it was wrong, and that you are sorry.

 

Then suggest you both agree to handle the relationship with better communication and greater maturity.

[rkendra]

Thanks for all the replies, guys. Another thing that doesn't make it easier is that she's friends with his family. Just a few days ago she posted on his mom's photo of an outing that she should've invited her, and that she'll tag along next time since she lives so close. Another thing I forgot to mention is that she had wanted to meet me, and for some reason my bf hasn't allowed it to happen yet. Didn't care for it before because I didn't think they were still in such close contact. However, now that I've seen how much they still communicate and will now see each other, it's weird and makes me question the whole relationship. It's not about right or wrong, but whether I can put up with this long term.

[rkendra]

You should talk with your man and explain WHAT bothers you, WHY it bothers you, and HOW it makes you feel. Let your feelings be heard and see what he's willing to do about it. Don't make any requests yet.

 

Also, it wouldn't hurt if you admit what you were doing during that texting incident. Admit you were being petty, that it was wrong, and that you are sorry.

 

Then suggest you both agree to handle the relationship with better communication and greater maturity.

 

Yes!! I have already admitted to him how I felt and what I went through during the texting incident. He says he noticed which is why he texted his friend even more. He says, "I wasn't going to respond to her in front of you, but saw you texting so I did the same. What you do to me, I will do to you."

[rkendra]

You should talk with your man and explain WHAT bothers you, WHY it bothers you, and HOW it makes you feel. Let your feelings be heard and see what he's willing to do about it. Don't make any requests yet.

 

Also, it wouldn't hurt if you admit what you were doing during that texting incident. Admit you were being petty, that it was wrong, and that you are sorry.

 

Then suggest you both agree to handle the relationship with better communication and greater maturity.

 

Yes! I did admit to him what I went through during the texting incident, and apologized. He says he noticed and that it's why he texted his friend in front of me even more-- otherwise he wouldn't have done it in front of me... yeah, but then he'd still do t regardless. the message that i saw him receive from her was "yeah lol" which means that there was already a conversation going on before we met up that day. It's too complicated. Don't know if I can handle this forever.

[PogoStick]

His behavior and response doesn't sound promising.