Trouble Letting Go

[PJ3040]

I dont usually do these kinds of things but I thought it might somewhat help if I at least write about it or tell someone.

 

So me and my girlfriend have been going out for a little over three and a half years. We began going out in highschool and I am now in my second year of college and she is now in her first. This was my first and really my only girlfriend. She was a bit on the nerdy side but I still think shes the most beautiful girl. She doesn't go out much or party, she doesn't really like drinking or any of that stuff. Shes really smart and caring. Anyways, The first two years we went out, it was great. It was probably the happiest time of my life and I felt like I would never really love someone as much as I loved her. We spent almost every single day with each other. It was about the end of the second year things began to get shaky. We did argue a lot about me being with friends once in a while and they would sometimes get into heated arguments but we would get over it. This was about the time I was going into my first year of college. The school I go to is kind of a pseudo-militaristic school. Anyways, My school is really close to where we live so she was still able to come and see me a lot. But around April of this year, closing my first year of college, our school required us to go onto a training cruise for two months, where it would be very difficult for us to even talk. The night I boarded the ship to leave, I remember we stood at the gangway of the ship and we held each other for at least 10 minutes. I didn't want to let her go. But eventually I did. So while I was gone, I would email her here and there when I was able to. During this time, her senior year was ending and I guess she began to get more involved and started hanging out with different people. So time went on and about midway through the cruise, she began to email me about how things are feeling different and that she doesn't know if we should really be together. Then all of a sudden, she just stops replying to my emails and calls. There would be a few times where she would answer but she would answer to say that she doesnt think we should talk and all that. So that last month on the ship, I became the most depressed I have ever been. I couldn't sleep, I began to lose my appetite, I couldn't focus on anything, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I was literally just always looking down. People began to notice because I am usually the happy and energetic person around everyone. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it on the ship because for the most part, everyone on the ship were guys who didn't really like talking about that kind of stuff. But there was this one girl who Im really good friends with, whom I ended up telling near the end of the trip because I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

Anyways, so my trip ended and I finally get back home. I was able to call her and she agreed on seeing me. We finally see each other and spend the day together talking about what happened. Throughout the day, she acts like it never really happened and shes nice to me, unlike how she was through the emails while I was gone. So we end the day and we were suppose to just stay separated, however as I hugged her goodbye, we kissed again. Later on through that week, we realized that we still wanted to be together and I was happy again. The thing is, as time went on in the three months since I got back from my trip, I noticed she was acting differently. She would be going out more but she would want to go to parties and get drunk which I was fine with until she started kind of becoming annoying about it. She also didn't like she was in love with me as much as she was before I left. So things began to get really shaky. We kept trying to work things out but it really just wasn't working. She was saying I love you way less then she used to, she kissed me less, and she began to use her phone way more when she was with me.

 

Now, maybe two weeks ago, her first two weeks of college began and it just became hard. although her college is maybe 40 minutes away from mine, we rarely see each other. Then she just didn't really want to talk to me much anymore. She said that she felt as if we were a married couple. Then we began talking about breaking up again. So my depression from cruise began coming back. A few days ago, we decided to break up. However, I spent the night at her house two nights ago just to be with her "one last time". We laid with each other, kissed, and looked into eachother eyes as if it was the beginning of our relationship again. Its cheesy but while she was sleeping in my arms, I was never more comfortable and felt like I didn't belong anywhere else. She slept that night and I stayed up all night. I fought the urge to sleep because I wanted to be with her every last minute I could. Morning came and I had to go. Before we left, we discussed the possibility of remaining friends. We considered seeing each other today and yesterday but it never happened. We talked again today and we decided that being friends just wont work. I guess she now just wants to cut each other out of eachother's lives completely so we can move on.

 

So now that thats happening, I just don't know how to handle it. I have maybe 3 friends who are talking to me and trying to get me through this but i still feel more lonely than ever. It's hard for me to even think about her just not existing in my life anymore. I still love her so much but its just not going to work. I have this box of everything that she ever gave to me, such as cards, photo booth pictures, all the way to the ticket from the night I asked her to be my girlfriend. Im slowly starting to collect everything in my room, put it back in the box and stow the box away until I move on but its just so difficult for me to move on. Because Im in a school with very few girl, I feel like I won't ever meet anyone, especially one that loved me like she did. And I know it might've sounded like she was a bit of the bad guy, but when we were going out, she loved me more than anything. She was the best girlfriend and she was always there for me. So yeah, I dont know how to really handle this and move on.

 

Sorry for being kind of a wuss about this. Its just kind of how I am.

[Jules Dash]

Sorry you lost your high school sweetheart. Your story is very common and is a part of growing up. Teens become young adults, go to college and grow apart.

 

This may be hard to imagine now but the hurt is the beautiful part of it all and you come to really appreciate it and somehow miss it at one point when you finally get over her and move on. You will love other women and probably love them a lot more than her but that one will always be special because she is your first.

 

 

Time is the only thing that can handle this.