No chance for me but she goes onto Tinder

[ZA Dater]

One must wonder, I am apparently so terrible she wont even go to lunch with me but now I see she is trawling Tinder.

 

Did I read signs wrong (possible) or maybe we weren't on the same page as to what we were looking for?

 

Curiosity on her part? Who knows.

 

Guys are supposed to pursue yes, fine enough but how does one sell oneself or how does one ascertain what the other person is actually looking for?

 

I have used Tinder, purely to try and find a relationship, someone else I know used it and she found it was more well, open minded as to what guys wanted.

 

When you pursue do you need a set plan and when communication is non existent do you walk away and if so how do you walk away without feeling you never really tried?

 

Hopefully I am not asking stupid questions but when it comes to dating and reading females we established ages ago I am in fact very stupid.

[Qboro90]

Can you give more background as to how you met this girl, how you arranged a date, what occurred on the date, and what occurred following the date? Would help to know more specifics rather than give a vague reply about why she might have done this or that.

[ZA Dater]

Can you give more background as to how you met this girl, how you arranged a date, what occurred on the date, and what occurred following the date? Would help to know more specifics rather than give a vague reply about why she might have done this or that.

 

The problem here was I was closed down before I could even get a date, this was another one of "meet so and so she is very nice" at a social event, I then tried to move things on to a date.

 

We did some e mail communicating but suddenly she seemed to fall off the face of the earth, friend says she isn't into me which doesn't really tally with the way we communicate, unless again I am seeing things which are not there.

 

My problem is I don't know if I misread and maybe she is only looking for lie down and not date, see I cant quite read this, I never got this vibe from her at all but what do I actually know.

[Qboro90]

The problem here was I was closed down before I could even get a date, this was another one of "meet so and so she is very nice" at a social event, I then tried to move things on to a date.

 

We did some e mail communicating but suddenly she seemed to fall off the face of the earth, friend says she isn't into me which doesn't really tally with the way we communicate, unless again I am seeing things which are not there.

 

My problem is I don't know if I misread and maybe she is only looking for lie down and not date, see I cant quite read this, I never got this vibe from her at all but what do I actually know.

 

 

How many emails were exchanged between the two of you? And over how many days/weeks?

 

Without knowing those I can still tell you this.... It is very difficult if not impossible to accurately read or interpret what someone wants via email or text message. Majority of the time one person reads it as they see it and that's not necessarily how the sender meant or how it sounded in their head as they were typing. Hence why I always recommend phone call to see when she's free and hold off on my assumptions or guesses until I meet her in person.

 

Secondly... At 31 years old it's safe to assume that the girls your being set up with or that are being recommended to you through a friend or colleague are NOT just looking to casually hook up or sleep with someone.

 

Think about it... Who was the person that said to you "meet so and so, she's really nice..."?. Do you think that that person would say "oh you should talk to Nicole, she's nice and she's looking for someone to casually have sex with or a one night stand" about a friend of theirs? They would not. Just like you wouldn't say "hey qboro, you should meet my friend Mary, she'll sleep with you if you play your cards right". Friends don't set their friends or collegeues/aquaintences up with casual hook ups or one night stands. They set their friends up with people who they can see them liking, having fun with, and dating.

[ZA Dater]

How many emails were exchanged between the two of you? And over how many days/weeks?

 

Without knowing those I can still tell you this.... It is very difficult if not impossible to accurately read or interpret what someone wants via email or text message. Majority of the time one person reads it as they see it and that's not necessarily how the sender meant or how it sounded in their head as they were typing. Hence why I always recommend phone call to see when she's free and hold off on my assumptions or guesses until I meet her in person.

 

Secondly... At 31 years old it's safe to assume that the girls your being set up with or that are being recommended to you through a friend or colleague are NOT just looking to casually hook up or sleep with someone.

 

Think about it... Who was the person that said to you "meet so and so, she's really nice..."?. Do you think that that person would say "oh you should talk to Nicole, she's nice and she's looking for someone to casually have sex with or a one night stand" about a friend of theirs? They would not. Just like you wouldn't say "hey qboro, you should meet my friend Mary, she'll sleep with you if you play your cards right". Friends don't set their friends or collegeues/aquaintences up with casual hook ups or one night stands. They set their friends up with people who they can see them liking, having fun with, and dating.

 

About 7 over so mails over a 2 week period, friend did push me to try and sleep with her hence my confusion if I maybe read the signs wrong from the start.

[ExpatInItaly]

About 7 over so mails over a 2 week period, friend did push me to try and sleep with her hence my confusion if I maybe read the signs wrong from the start.

 

Why would your friend do this? Kind of intrusive, if you ask me. What led your friend to believe this woman was looking for a hook-up?

 

As for you mis-reading the signals, it would depend on what you said in your emails, and how she responded. (Your friend's opinion is not relevant here) What types of things did she say to you?

[ZA Dater]

Why would your friend do this? Kind of intrusive, if you ask me. What led your friend to believe this woman was looking for a hook-up?

 

As for you mis-reading the signals, it would depend on what you said in your emails, and how she responded. (Your friend's opinion is not relevant here) What types of things did she say to you?

 

All very friend zone type things.

[Qboro90]

All very friend zone type things.

 

Like what? Might help to actually see the things you say to women via text or email and what they say back. That would allow critique or suggestions on what you can change or do differently as well as support on what you did right.

[Zippy2000]

Question!

 

How can you see her "trawling Tinder"? I thought you only swiped to see people and it brought up people randomly.

 

Is there a way to see she has logged in?

[Toodaloo]

friend says she isn't into me which doesn't really tally with the way we communicate, unless again I am seeing things which are not there.

 

Listen to your friend. You are seeing things that are not there.

 

Sometimes women are chatty and nice because, well, that is what is expected of us. We are supposed to be friendly.

 

Sorry ZA I know you are struggling but keep at it.

 

Listen to Enigma. There is no point trying to pursue women who don't want it. Total waste of your time, effort and emotion.

[elaine567]

Amazing talks face to face do not equate to attraction.

She just happened to be a person that you could talk to, who was interested in the same stuff you were, but when you made your intentions clear, she showed you quite clearly, she wasn't interested.

 

Months later, you tried again.

Again, you had a great social connection at that event you both happened to be at, but again when you asked for a date, she said no.

 

You say yourself, dating in SA is not easy on OLD. She may just be trying all avenues by presenting herself on Tinder, OR she may indeed be having her own mini revolution and reinventing herself, who knows?

You say she is not your ordinary clubbing and partying 25 yo, so she maybe does find it difficult to get dates.

BUT to my mind she has made it perfectly plain that whatever happens, she is NOT interested in you.

 

I myself had a "suitor" when I was about 21. I was perfectly pleasant to him as I had known him from school and I knew he had a crush on me and I am a polite and friendly type. BUT I didn't want to date him, despite many things in common, despite many great chats, as I felt no attraction to him. I had to tell him that numerous times, but to no avail. He kept bouncing back with another offer and eventually I had to stop speaking to him altogether as the message was not getting through. I never did go on a date with him. Years later he found me on social media, he was married but he again suggested we meet up. I said I was busy.

Being friendly, is NOT a green light, being friendly is just being friendly.

 

People who want you, who want to date you, snap up any invitation to spend more time together. Spending more time together binds people together and when the attraction is mutual, then there is nothing better.

At 25, people who are not interested, do not want to waste time with people they do not want to date, so they decline or fade. She has done both.

 

I told you months ago your oneitis was a problem and it is still an issue for you. You HAVE to let her go, for your own good.

[ZA Dater]

Amazing talks face to face do not equate to attraction.

She just happened to be a person that you could talk to, who was interested in the same stuff you were, but when you made your intentions clear, she showed you quite clearly, she wasn't interested.

 

Months later, you tried again.

Again, you had a great social connection at that event you both happened to be at, but again when you asked for a date, she said no.

 

You say yourself, dating in SA is not easy on OLD. She may just be trying all avenues by presenting herself on Tinder, OR she may indeed be having her own mini revolution and reinventing herself, who knows?

You say she is not your ordinary clubbing and partying 25 yo, so she maybe does find it difficult to get dates.

BUT to my mind she has made it perfectly plain that whatever happens, she is NOT interested in you.

 

I myself had a "suitor" when I was about 21. I was perfectly pleasant to him as I had known him from school and I knew he had a crush on me and I am a polite and friendly type. BUT I didn't want to date him, despite many things in common, despite many great chats, as I felt no attraction to him. I had to tell him that numerous times, but to no avail. He kept bouncing back with another offer and eventually I had to stop speaking to him altogether as the message was not getting through. I never did go on a date with him. Years later he found me on social media, he was married but he again suggested we meet up. I said I was busy.

Being friendly, is NOT a green light, being friendly is just being friendly.

 

People who want you, who want to date you, snap up any invitation to spend more time together. Spending more time together binds people together and when the attraction is mutual, then there is nothing better.

At 25, people who are not interested, do not want to waste time with people they do not want to date, so they decline or fade. She has done both.

 

I told you months ago your oneitis was a problem and it is still an issue for you. You HAVE to let her go, for your own good.

 

This was someone different but also a fairly long play from a while back. You speak total sense, each word makes total sense and its all logical but not sure I can explain this I just have this massive empty sad feeling. I keep trying and its just the same. Decided to try and find friends but I coming up short there too.

 

All of which leaves me feeling like rubbish to be honest, I am a fairly emotionless guy but I am really battling at the moment, 1 hour sleep last night.

 

Tinder is relevant because I tried it too, always tried to be a nice guy, got chatting to people but there just wasn't any real connection, the conversation died because there was nothing to talk about.

 

Wish I was someone else when I look in the mirror. Same friend has suggested she doesn't find me attractive due to my hair, my clothes the way I speak, if I change all that I may have an opportunity but for what?

 

I think if you are female tinder is a fantastic way to meet guys, it really could work but as a guy you just sit and hope someone chooses you.

 

Wish I had some way to cope with the feelings mentioned above, really, really battling.

[ExpatInItaly]

All very friend zone type things.

 

For example?

 

We can give you better feedback if you provide some specific examples of what you said, how she responded, and so on.

[ZA Dater]

Listen to your friend. You are seeing things that are not there.

 

Sometimes women are chatty and nice because, well, that is what is expected of us. We are supposed to be friendly.

 

Sorry ZA I know you are struggling but keep at it.

 

Listen to Enigma. There is no point trying to pursue women who don't want it. Total waste of your time, effort and emotion.

 

My only wish in life is to find someone who gives me butterflies who likes me.

[ZA Dater]

For example?

 

We can give you better feedback if you provide some specific examples of what you said, how she responded, and so on.

 

Basically just general everyday things nothing personal at all. She writes well so its nice to read something well written.