runup Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 This girl and I have been talking a lot for several months. We are both 21 in college. We met a month before the end of the semester and it kicked off immediately. Everyday we would hang out or text and over the summer we talked all the time. She seemed more interested (in a relationship) at first and we could talked about everything and anything. I know so much about her because she has trusted me and told me everything about her life, her struggles, etc. Unfortunately, when we finally saw each other again, things weren't the same. She says that she " is scared of me" and in shock of seeing me after all the summer break. Ever since then she has been acting distant, sending one word replies to text messages, not being as friendly and being (sorry for using this word but she said it herself, "a *****"). I asked her about her attitude and she said that she really likes me and fears that she is going to get messed with again by me (past relationships weren't the best for her). She said she is going to "let go of her fears" for me but yet she is still acting the same way as before the conversation. I just want to help her get over these obstacles. I really like her and I don't like seeing the way our relationship is at the moment; it doesn't feel good and I want it to move forward and enjoy our time together. I don't know what to do unfortunately and I am asking for help so that I can figure out what to do. Feel free to ask more as I did a quick summary. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 For your own sake, avoid these "injured fawn" types. They will drain the life out of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author runup Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I don't think that's the case. To me this is a hurdle in the relationship. I would like to hear from girls specifically about what may going on in her head and what I could do. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 This girl and I have been talking a lot for several months. We are both 21 in college. We met a month before the end of the semester and it kicked off immediately. Everyday we would hang out or text and over the summer we talked all the time. She seemed more interested (in a relationship) at first and we could talked about everything and anything. I know so much about her because she has trusted me and told me everything about her life, her struggles, etc. Unfortunately, when we finally saw each other again, things weren't the same. She says that she " is scared of me" and in shock of seeing me after all the summer break. Ever since then she has been acting distant, sending one word replies to text messages, not being as friendly and being (sorry for using this word but she said it herself, "a *****"). I asked her about her attitude and she said that she really likes me and fears that she is going to get messed with again by me (past relationships weren't the best for her). She said she is going to "let go of her fears" for me but yet she is still acting the same way as before the conversation. I just want to help her get over these obstacles. I really like her and I don't like seeing the way our relationship is at the moment; it doesn't feel good and I want it to move forward and enjoy our time together. I don't know what to do unfortunately and I am asking for help so that I can figure out what to do. Feel free to ask more as I did a quick summary. I'm a woman (34), and here are my thoughts: Unfortunately, there's not a heck of a lot you can do. She has to figure out the root cause of her problem and address it. All you could really do is remain patient, but you have to draw your line somewhere. You've already said it doesn't feel good and that you would like to progress with her. I know you like her, but I think you need to re-consider how much you're willing to tolerate. A relationship needs effort from both people; if only one person is making an effort, it won't work. What does she believe is the cause of her fears? How does she intend to let go of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author runup Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I'm a woman (34), and here are my thoughts: Unfortunately, there's not a heck of a lot you can do. She has to figure out the root cause of her problem and address it. All you could really do is remain patient, but you have to draw your line somewhere. You've already said it doesn't feel good and that you would like to progress with her. I know you like her, but I think you need to re-consider how much you're willing to tolerate. A relationship needs effort from both people; if only one person is making an effort, it won't work. What does she believe is the cause of her fears? How does she intend to let go of them? I agree as far toleration goes. She said the guys she would talk to and fall for themwould only want her for "one thing" and then stop talking to her. She said shes been ****ed over so many times that shes trying to get over this feeling she has of fear. She said she will let go of her fears for me but its not easy... I don't know how she intends to do this. I've been supportive of her and have slowed the speed of our relationship after this occurred; she says she wants to do this but at the same time I don't know if her recent attitude is a reflection of her "trying to fix it" Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Give her space and leave her be! For now not much you can do is just wait on her to come to you and get over her fears of you. If you can't wait then move on and find someone who doesn't have these sort of issues. Not much you can really do in this situation. She has the final say and you just stuck in her merry-go-round world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author runup Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I didn't realize I hadn't included this in the original post... Her current feelings of being scared may be because I didn't talk to her for a couple days leading up to when we were going to see each other for the first time in months. Thinking back that is a terrible thing but I was going through some family troubles at the time (wasn't my intentions but nevertheless it did happen) Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Give her space and leave her be! . Normally I would agree but in THIS situation, giving her space (him not contacting her for a few days after being in touch EVERY day over the summer) is what triggered her fears in the first place. So in THIS case, I would not advise doing that. She been kicked around before, probably by guys getting close/pulling back, hot/cold, etc etc etc. When you pulled back for a few days (for whatever reasons) her fears of this happening again kicked in...so now she's on HIGH ALERT. As she fears getting hurt again.... She needs a lot of reassurance at this point....but DON'T smother her. Just be patient and let her know you're there, and for the love of all things beautiful DON'T pull a disappearing act again. I know it was only a few days, and for me and most women, this would NOT be a big deal...but for someone like her (and I don't know how deeply she's been hurt or how deeply it affected her)....it can be devastating. So just stay in touch, let her know you're there for her...but again be careful NOT to go overboard...and smother her. In time...she may learn to trust you again....but if not, then I would say her fears are too deep and you may wish to just move on....and suggest she seek some sort of therapy to help her work through her issues. Just my two cents.... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I didn't realize I hadn't included this in the original post... Her current feelings of being scared may be because I didn't talk to her for a couple days leading up to when we were going to see each other for the first time in months. Thinking back that is a terrible thing but I was going through some family troubles at the time (wasn't my intentions but nevertheless it did happen) I think there is MORE to this just "family issues." What was the REAL reason you didn't contact her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author runup Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 UPDATE Not many people update their posts and I thought I would a year later. Signs at the start of a relationship prove to be great forecasts of the future. We dated for a total of 9 months before she ended things with me. She just simply "lost feelings for me". I think it really just came down to her as a person, and that's what hurts the most. Unfortunately, I now recognize it's time to move on, enter my own healing process and hope for the best. It's truly devastating because we had such a great relationship and truly loved each other. Perhaps it was due to immaturity or fears, I can't dwell on it anymore. Just figured I'd update so people who read it can see that early warning signs play a HUGE role regardless of how much they may end up loving you at one time. I learned my mistake. I ended up hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
leogirl876 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 (edited) I'm going to be blunt here and not meaning to offend anyone, but women want strong men, they don't want pushovers. The men that were needy in which is what you are doing, is pushing her away. The men that have been needy and wishy washy to me I've always walked all over and did exactly what this girl is doing. The strong ones were the ones I didn't do that with. A majority of women like strong, confident men.[] Edited July 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Tacit advertising 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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