Considering Proposing Monogamous Dating

[TunaInTheBrine]

I've been thinking and reading a lot lately about the whole dating multiple people thing, and I am coming to the conclusion that for many (but not all) people who are looking for an exclusive relationship, that spreading oneself thin works against the goal. I have been involved with far too many women where things seemed like they were going well, a relationship was on the horizon, and then they invested in someone else (only to repeat this same thing with them). Admittedly, I've done this as well. Seems like a much more onerous process and vicious cycle than monogamous dating, and I haven't seen any evidence that suggests it leads to a better outcome for relationships.

 

I have not been able to come across one valid argument for why it is a 'bad' idea to pursue one person at a time. People will make the case for not putting all your eggs in one basket, but I don't see why that is a bad thing. Anyone who is truly confident and self-respecting knows that if things don't work out, they can go and pursue someone new. I don't believe we 'need' a second, third, or additional people to date in order to strengthen connection to one person. I also don't believe that dating just one person should get lambasted as being too clingy too soon and pressuring someone into a relationship. Why all the hate on monogamous dating?

 

So, I am considering proposing to this woman I just started seeing that I'd like to just see her without the confusion/ambiguity of other people being involved, and see how she responds. Do other people have experience doing this? How did you discuss it/bring it up? How did the other person react? My gut tells me I'm swimming against the current on this one, but the older I get, the more my thinking is going in this direction and I'm considering risking it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How long have you been seeing this woman?

[Ruby Slippers]

IMO, "multi-dating" is a dark manifestation of social engineering.

 

I've found that the best men make it clear immediately that they would never abide "sharing" the woman they desire. Few women can respect a man who doesn't respect himself enough to make crystal clear his desire and need for her undivided attention.

[fitnessfan365]

If being a singular dater is what's right for you that's fine. Only focus on her.

 

But that doesn't mean it will be right for her at this point in time. Especially since you just started dating her. My advice? Don't concern yourself with who she dates and allow her the time to get there on her own. When she starts dropping subtle hints she wants to be exclusive, you talk about it w-her then. But until that happens, let her worry about herself and be confident that she'll want you in the long run anyways. Word of warning though. Singular daters have a tendency to get too enthusiastic too quickly and over-pursue w-needy behavior. Multi-dating can help w-managing your expectations better and allows you to remain more indifferent. So make sure to take it one date at a time, and avoid blowing up her phone.

Edited August 2, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Vercetti]

I know what I want and one of those things isn't an indecive women that juggles men that might decide to give up getting bank rolled.

 

 

 

Getting a date is not hard. Things usually fall apart quick if not clicking...oh no maybe a week or two downtime before encounter someone want to ask out..

[candie13]

after three or four dates, I think it's the best thing to do. if after four five dates, the guy is still dying to meet up new chicks, I'd shrug my shoulders and move on, because that would mean that I didn't have that much of an effect on him, anyway. So careful, as asking your date to date monogamously may be a breaking point, if she's not on the same page as you.

 

PErsonally, I feel it's a risk to take. Better to ask and know. You can always move on and find someone where the attraction is mutual, if she freaks out.

 

I am much more comfortable with monogamous dating compared to multi-dating.

[RoseVille]

If being a singular dater is what's right for you that's fine. Only focus on her.

 

But that doesn't mean it will be right for her at this point in time. Especially since you just started dating her. My advice? Don't concern yourself with who she dates and allow her the time to get there on her own. When she starts dropping subtle hints she wants to be exclusive, you talk about it w-her then. But until that happens, let her worry about herself and be confident that she'll want you in the long run anyways. Word of warning though. Singular daters have a tendency to get too enthusiastic too quickly and over-pursue w-needy behavior. Multi-dating can help w-managing your expectations better and allows you to remain more indifferent. So make sure to take it one date at a time, and avoid blowing up her phone.

 

Agreed to this entire post, especially the bolded.

 

Last guy I dated told me he's a singular-dater before we even had our first date, but also said in no uncertain terms that he didn't expect me to operate the same way, he just didn't want to dilute his own attention. Great.

 

But then his behavior made it clear he had really high expectations and became needy and expectant of all my free time, as though we had already been dating for several months. Major turn off.

[Redhead14]

I've been thinking and reading a lot lately about the whole dating multiple people thing, and I am coming to the conclusion that for many (but not all) people who are looking for an exclusive relationship, that spreading oneself thin works against the goal. I have been involved with far too many women where things seemed like they were going well, a relationship was on the horizon, and then they invested in someone else (only to repeat this same thing with them). Admittedly, I've done this as well. Seems like a much more onerous process and vicious cycle than monogamous dating, and I haven't seen any evidence that suggests it leads to a better outcome for relationships.

 

I have not been able to come across one valid argument for why it is a 'bad' idea to pursue one person at a time. People will make the case for not putting all your eggs in one basket, but I don't see why that is a bad thing. Anyone who is truly confident and self-respecting knows that if things don't work out, they can go and pursue someone new. I don't believe we 'need' a second, third, or additional people to date in order to strengthen connection to one person. I also don't believe that dating just one person should get lambasted as being too clingy too soon and pressuring someone into a relationship. Why all the hate on monogamous dating?

 

So, I am considering proposing to this woman I just started seeing that I'd like to just see her without the confusion/ambiguity of other people being involved, and see how she responds. Do other people have experience doing this? How did you discuss it/bring it up? How did the other person react? My gut tells me I'm swimming against the current on this one, but the older I get, the more my thinking is going in this direction and I'm considering risking it.

 

There is nothing wrong with monogamous dating. If you get to the point where you want to exclusively date a woman, you should ask her for that especially if you been intimate with them.

 

I wouldn't ask them after a first date though even if you've been intimate with them. What I would do at that point at least, is find out whether she is looking for a long-term relationship for herself and what her views are about dating. If she tells you she is a multi-dater, oh well. You just need to make sure you're on the same page.

[Vercetti]

Just for the sake of whatever...that needy guy could multidate and be just as bloody needy with EVERY girl. If anything could make a case for multi daters being default needy, the only thing that keeps their o ession in check and and finger off the phone...is someone else's company. They can't sit at home or have anything better to do then stack up petty endless superficial interactions; then compair notes on people they don't really know.

 

I multidated, my only care was them not running into each other if screwed up meeting place and had two dates the same day/night. My other care was getting names right, and I stopped caring about that. Kinda sorted out by hair colour....thought she had black hair sigh I'll get through the night, least have black hair to look forward to tomorrow. This girls breaking up with me, who is she. Oh no my date flaked good cause I'm on a date and don't have to come up with a blow offBrent, who is that, oh yeah that's what told this one my name was. Sorry have to work tonight, pick me up after work, sure. Where do I work...I forgot someone is at my door have to go.

[TunaInTheBrine]

If being a singular dater is what's right for you that's fine. Only focus on her.

 

But that doesn't mean it will be right for her at this point in time. Especially since you just started dating her. My advice? Don't concern yourself with who she dates and allow her the time to get there on her own. When she starts dropping subtle hints she wants to be exclusive, you talk about it w-her then. But until that happens, let her worry about herself and be confident that she'll want you in the long run anyways. Word of warning though. Singular daters have a tendency to get too enthusiastic too quickly and over-pursue w-needy behavior. Multi-dating can help w-managing your expectations better and allows you to remain more indifferent. So make sure to take it one date at a time, and avoid blowing up her phone.

 

I get where you're coming from, but I think that's quite a sweeping generalization of singular daters. Why is it not possible to date one person at a time and still take it slow?

 

Multi-dating doesn't make someone necessarily more emotionally fit in dating. They can still be just as needy, but they spread themselves around multiple people to mask its appearance. Inside, they're still addicted to dating contact.

 

I believe if more people worked on their own 'stuff' and could emotionally handle one person at a time instead of spreading themselves around, more long-term relationships would come out of dating.

 

I don't mean to give you ****, but I'm just using a comment from your post as an example of an attitude that I think culture takes to a considerable degree of error. But yeah, I still get what you mean.

[compulsivedancer]

Is multi dating really the norm? I don't think I could date multiple people for long. After the first couple dates, I want him focused on me. When I first started dating my BF, I had been talking to several different guys. I just found it confusing. I couldn't remember who I had had what conversation with. How are you supposed to get to know someone if you can't even keep straight who he is?

[smackie9]

I multi-dated for the reason of not looking for a relationship, but just to get out and have fun. BUT I always made sure they knew that. If there were different expectations, there would be no date, or second date.

[fitnessfan365]

I get where you're coming from, but I think that's quite a sweeping generalization of singular daters. Why is it not possible to date one person at a time and still take it slow?

 

That's just it though. You're trying to rush the process by getting a woman you just met to only focus on you. So you're not moving slowly and allowing her the time to make her own decisions.

 

If you want to only focus on her, that's fine. Do what's right for you. Just don't ask her to do the same thing so early on. Have the mindset that she can date whoever she wants and that she'll eventually choose you when she's ready. Now I will admit, when I met my current GF, I only focused on her. But I didn't ask her to be exclusive right away. I allowed her the time she needed to get there on her own. We'd been dating a month or so, and then over the next month she dropped three big hints she was invested. The first was asking if my dating profile was still up. The second was introducing me to her best friend. The third is when she invited me to join her on a trip she was taking a few months out. So after all that, I initiated the talk. But if I had said I wanted her to be exclusive w-me after a few dates, it would have scared her off. That's my point.

Edited August 2, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

That's just it though. You're trying to rush the process by getting a woman you just met to only focus on you. So you're not moving slowly and allowing her the time to make her own decisions.

 

If you want to only focus on her, that's fine. Do what's right for you. Just don't ask her to do the same thing so early on. Have the mindset that she can date whoever she wants and that she'll eventually choose you when she's ready. Now I will admit, when I met my current GF, I only focused on her. But I didn't ask her to be exclusive right away. I allowed her the time she needed to get there on her own. We'd been dating a month or so, and then over the next month she dropped three big hints she was invested. The first was asking if my dating profile was still up. The second was introducing me to her best friend. The third is when she invited me to join her on a trip she was taking a few months out. So after all that, I initiated the talk. But if I had said I wanted her to be exclusive w-me after a few dates, it would have scared her off. That's my point.

 

Really good point ff....smart...shows confidence.

 

In fact when I think back to when my own boyfriend, on our first date, expressed interest in only dating each other, I think it came from a place of insecurity, and not confidence like I originally thought.

 

He did come on quite strong after that, calling/texting, wanting to see me more often than I was comfortable with - remember, I needed to ask him to slow down!

 

So excellent point ff...and I am glad to hear things continue to go well with your girlfriend!

[candie13]

One thing I can strongly suggest: if you have that discussion, please do NOT go back on it. That is a total turn off.

[candie13]

If being a singular dater is what's right for you that's fine. Only focus on her.

 

But that doesn't mean it will be right for her at this point in time. Especially since you just started dating her. My advice? Don't concern yourself with who she dates and allow her the time to get there on her own. When she starts dropping subtle hints she wants to be exclusive, you talk about it w-her then. But until that happens, let her worry about herself and be confident that she'll want you in the long run anyways. Word of warning though. Singular daters have a tendency to get too enthusiastic too quickly and over-pursue w-needy behavior. Multi-dating can help w-managing your expectations better and allows you to remain more indifferent. So make sure to take it one date at a time, and avoid blowing up her phone.

 

there are no rules, really... and it depends how often you see eachother, in a week, too. If you have three dates per fortnight, well, a month goes by easily.

 

I completely understand men's need to multidate and get freedom and stuff, but I am feeling highly uncomfortable to sleep with a man in that situation, however much I liked him... How did this work with you and your gf, ff ?