first date a bit too good and a bit too fast

[ivionthenet]

I just had my first date with this guy. We met last weekend at a concert and spent much of the night chatting...we were the only two sober people probably because I had to drive that night and he was kind of hung over. He messaged me and asked me out the next day. I said I can only see him on the weekend because I was hell busy this week. And he messaged me last Friday asking me what I am up to and I said I am working until 10 pm and later he hinted at going to this gig with him at 11 but I refused. So we caught up today as originally planned and went for a walk in the national park near my place, which was my suggestion because he asked me what I want to do and first I just said something relaxing but he kept asking so I came up with this idea to do to the park if the weather is nice.

 

So I am at this stage that I would like to take it slow with someone and totally get to know them before getting physical.

But our first date got very steamy.

 

He is really stable and seems to be at that exact time of his life that I am at in terms of being happy on your own, and not needing someone else.

I can't put it into words just how much we got along, we were both totally amazed at what we both have going on in our lives. ( I could write so much more about this because i think this is mainly the reason why things are moving so fast , because I don't remember enjoying the company of a man this much ever before, like he just gets me )

 

We went for a long walk in the natural park opposite my place and talked a lot, than we went back to my place and had some food and tea and we were having this totally chilled lazy day and we decided to have a nap.

We lay down and I explained that there is a line not to be crossed, because he put his foot next to mine. Later he talked about how hard it is with this line because he wants to kiss me.

 

And I said that should he cross this line he will be off the bed in no time. And than I said that if he didn't want to kiss me he would be off the bed for that too.

Haha

(by the way the reason why we went to the bedroom is because I don't have a living room and a couch and we were sitting on the floor in front of the heater in my studio and we ended up lying on the floor so I suggested to get more comfy....silly me :roll eyes:)

 

He did't try to touch me and we chatted for 2 hours in bed fully clothed talking about many things and love and our past relationships, why there is a line and why I want to take it slow...and he said he understands and he is very easy and he literally said that he will do anything I want, I can kick him out whenever I want to, call him over anytime, he will not play any games with me and he thinks I shouldn't worry but he is fine with whatever ... in the meantime constantly flirting and trying to convince me to let him kiss me. And well, lying there was pretty hard for me too.

 

So I asked him to leave. And when he was leaving I went to hug him (we hugged when we greeted each other today and I was planning to give him a kiss on his cheek) and he lifted me up!

That was so unexpected, he was so strong, and for me being lifted up is such a huge turn on anyway, and when he lowered me down slowly sliding my body down against his I kissed him. I couldn't help it. And his kiss was so hot that I backed into the kitchen bench and ended up having to push him away.

 

I have very mixed feeling about this, because even though I think he is totally amazing and I am so attracted to him...I regret having gone so fast.

 

I feel that I need to cool it down- for one, we shared a lot about each other and there are few things he mentioned that I didn't like... so all that new information needs to be processed.... and I already need some time to think, and for two because I want to wait with getting too physical and falling into my own trap of getting too involved with a guy emotionally too quickly. I hate that crash and burn cycle that I always find myself in.

 

So if he really means what he said he should be ok only seeing me in a week's time right? And perhaps going somewhere where we don't end up on my bed.

During our walk he mentioned that he would like to show me his new property he bought and explain the house he will be building on it with his own hands. So that drive and being outdoors could be a good next date..

 

The things is that I really really like this guy. I know that much. And I want to get to know him to give this a proper chance.

 

Do do you guys agree that it was all a bit too fast? What are your thoughts on how fast things should develop to have a healthy foundation for a meaningful relationship?

Edited August 1, 2015 by ivionthenet

[Lansing]

Remember that even though you didn't meat him online the guy is still a stranger. I would suggest taking more precautions going forward. Inviting a guy to your house sure sends a mixed message when at the same time you are saying you don't want things to move too fast.

[d0nnivain]

He's following your lead. You are the one who made it too fast. Inviting a guy over to your place on your 1st date is problematic. Inviting a guy to sleep / nap with you that same day could be interpreted as you being easy or a tease. He's not the problem here. You are. If you want to slow this down you have to control your own behavior because you are the one with your foot on the accelerator.

[ivionthenet]

I agree that I had a massive input into where we ended up. I could blame it on many things, but to be honest I did not prepare myself mentally as to what will I do if I really like him...I really didn't think that we would get along so well.

 

And it turns out that I have nowhere near as much self control as I thought I had.

[d0nnivain]

I know what you mean. When I really liked someone I knew I had poor impulse control. But because of that I stay away from private places on early dates. Nobody comes over. I don't go to their house. I avoid places with flat surfaces like beds & couches. That way even if my heart is racing & my libido is cranked up there are no convenient outlets. Try my methodology.

[Qboro90]

I agree with the above post. You are literally telling this guy 1 thing and then tempting him to do another. Also I think you're over analyzing a simple kiss. That is by no means "moving too fast" for someone who you seem to 1. Connect with more than you have anyone else 2. Feel attracted to.

 

You kissed goodbye, it wasn't like you had sex together in the park or at your apartment. If kissing someone is that big of a move for you to do then I think there will be more serious issues that develop later on. How old are the two of you if I may ask?

 

By the way I'm not advocating that kissing someone doesn't mean anything and it shouldn't be held in high regard. But the date you two had together and they way you connected, a kiss I think was earned on his part and judging by your reaction, was wanted on yours as well. It seems like you're having more of an internal battle with yourself based off things that may have happened in your past and projecting them onto what should happen and how you should act now.

 

If you're dead set on moving at an extremely slow pace like this then you need to stop putting yourself and him in positions where physical advances can be made. I've been with girls who tell me that they're not going to kiss/sleep with me on the first date yet by their facial expressions/tone/manor isms it's basically them saying the words but they mean the exact opposite. So I'd be careful how you express these things towards him. He might view it differently than you intend.

 

If I spent all day with a girl, did a picnic, then laid in bed with her or on the floor of her room talking for hours then I'm going to assume she wants to kiss me, otherwise the date would've ended hours ago. You're inviting him into these situations where the probability of physical contact is high and then faulting him for following your lead. That's unfair to him and generally impossible for any guy to resist.

 

Instead of overthinking a goodbye kiss, why don't you let yourself enjoy the feeling of finding a guy that makes you feel this way. There's clearly something between you. Sometimes it's ok to bend the rules for love.

[Redhead14]

I just had my first date with this guy. We met last weekend at a concert and spent much of the night chatting...we were the only two sober people probably because I had to drive that night and he was kind of hung over. He messaged me and asked me out the next day. I said I can only see him on the weekend because I was hell busy this week. And he messaged me last Friday asking me what I am up to and I said I am working until 10 pm and later he hinted at going to this gig with him at 11 but I refused. So we caught up today as originally planned and went for a walk in the national park near my place, which was my suggestion because he asked me what I want to do and first I just said something relaxing but he kept asking so I came up with this idea to do to the park if the weather is nice.

 

So I am at this stage that I would like to take it slow with someone and totally get to know them before getting physical.

But our first date got very steamy.

 

He is really stable and seems to be at that exact time of his life that I am at in terms of being happy on your own, and not needing someone else.

I can't put it into words just how much we got along, we were both totally amazed at what we both have going on in our lives. ( I could write so much more about this because i think this is mainly the reason why things are moving so fast , because I don't remember enjoying the company of a man this much ever before, like he just gets me )

 

We went for a long walk in the natural park opposite my place and talked a lot, than we went back to my place and had some food and tea and we were having this totally chilled lazy day and we decided to have a nap.

We lay down and I explained that there is a line not to be crossed, because he put his foot next to mine. Later he talked about how hard it is with this line because he wants to kiss me.

 

And I said that should he cross this line he will be off the bed in no time. And than I said that if he didn't want to kiss me he would be off the bed for that too.

Haha

(by the way the reason why we went to the bedroom is because I don't have a living room and a couch and we were sitting on the floor in front of the heater in my studio and we ended up lying on the floor so I suggested to get more comfy....silly me :roll eyes:)

 

He did't try to touch me and we chatted for 2 hours in bed fully clothed talking about many things and love and our past relationships, why there is a line and why I want to take it slow...and he said he understands and he is very easy and he literally said that he will do anything I want, I can kick him out whenever I want to, call him over anytime, he will not play any games with me and he thinks I shouldn't worry but he is fine with whatever ... in the meantime constantly flirting and trying to convince me to let him kiss me. And well, lying there was pretty hard for me too.

 

So I asked him to leave. And when he was leaving I went to hug him (we hugged when we greeted each other today and I was planning to give him a kiss on his cheek) and he lifted me up!

That was so unexpected, he was so strong, and for me being lifted up is such a huge turn on anyway, and when he lowered me down slowly sliding my body down against his I kissed him. I couldn't help it. And his kiss was so hot that I backed into the kitchen bench and ended up having to push him away.

 

I have very mixed feeling about this, because even though I think he is totally amazing and I am so attracted to him...I regret having gone so fast.

 

I feel that I need to cool it down- for one, we shared a lot about each other and there are few things he mentioned that I didn't like... so all that new information needs to be processed.... and I already need some time to think, and for two because I want to wait with getting too physical and falling into my own trap of getting too involved with a guy emotionally too quickly. I hate that crash and burn cycle that I always find myself in.

 

So if he really means what he said he should be ok only seeing me in a week's time right? And perhaps going somewhere where we don't end up on my bed.

During our walk he mentioned that he would like to show me his new property he bought and explain the house he will be building on it with his own hands. So that drive and being outdoors could be a good next date..

 

The things is that I really really like this guy. I know that much. And I want to get to know him to give this a proper chance.

 

Do do you guys agree that it was all a bit too fast? What are your thoughts on how fast things should develop to have a healthy foundation for a meaningful relationship?

 

You are overthinking this already. You should even be thinking about a foundation yet. You don't know anything about him yet. You need to have a conversation with him about what he is looking for out of his dating journey for himself and what you want for yourself in general. If you are on the same page, there, you go from there.

 

Whether it's too fast now, no. You haven't been intimate, you've just basically made out. However, it appears that he has been reaching out to you for short notice dates. That's not a good thing. He needs to value your time and schedule things in advance. Don't make yourself too available to him. And, getting into bed with a man and drawing a line is not wise either. It's taunts you both really.

 

Stick to your guns and don't sleep with him for a while yet. Observe how he dates you. Does he make and keep dates consistently? No last minute dates or cancellations (unless there's a really good reason). Is his communication consistent between dates and of quality (not overtly sexual or only sexual)? Sit back and observe.

[ivionthenet]

We discussed a lot of things and he is not looking for something casual. We are on the same page in regards to this. We are both 30, I am one month older.

 

The truth is, that yes, I do have lots of experiences from the past where moving too fast proved to be a bad idea. Basically every single time I would think that this new guy is the love of my life without knowing him at all. Then either I would call it quits because we are totally incompatible or he would. I am over my own silly illusions and want to see the person who who he is and have a cool head when it comes to reading his signals.

 

So all I want to do is enjoy this ride but not go too fast. Just see where we end up. He seems quite happy with that and of course I don't know where we end up at this stage but I am optimistic by nature and want to give it a fair try. And that involves attempting to build something for the long run from the very beginning.

 

My idea is to be very kind and express how much I like him in as many ways as possible and not tease him too much or spend hours with him lying down in private rooms for a while and just get to know him properly.

[Redhead14]

We discussed a lot of things and he is not looking for something casual. We are on the same page in regards to this. We are both 30, I am one month older.

 

The truth is, that yes, I do have lots of experiences from the past where moving too fast proved to be a bad idea. Basically every single time I would think that this new guy is the love of my life without knowing him at all. Then either I would call it quits because we are totally incompatible or he would. I am over my own silly illusions and want to see the person who who he is and have a cool head when it comes to reading his signals.

 

So all I want to do is enjoy this ride but not go too fast. Just see where we end up. He seems quite happy with that and of course I don't know where we end up at this stage but I am optimistic by nature and want to give it a fair try. And that involves attempting to build something for the long run from the very beginning.

 

My idea is to be very kind and express how much I like him in as many ways as possible and not tease him too much or spend hours with him lying down in private rooms for a while and just get to know him properly.

 

In the early stages of each new dating scenario, you should manage your emotions and expectations. Do this for a long time, in fact. And, he said he's looking for more than casual . . . guys know that women usually want more so sometimes they will say that just to get her "hooked" for the time being. Even when they say that you still have to observe how they date you.

[d0nnivain]

My idea is to be very kind and express how much I like him in as many ways as possible and not tease him too much or spend hours with him lying down in private rooms for a while and just get to know him properly.

 

 

This is a good idea but given your past tendency to fall in love quickly without any basis to do so, you need to build in brakes & slow downs. Set limits for yourself & stick to them. Maintain some mystery & let your brain rather than your heart or libido guide you

[elaine567]

for one, we shared a lot about each other and there are few things he mentioned that I didn't like... so all that new information needs to be processed....

 

This is what you need to focus on here.

 

Very easy to get carried away with some earth shattering kiss, and then forget the basics.

[ivionthenet]

In the early stages of each new dating scenario, you should manage your emotions and expectations. Do this for a long time, in fact. And, he said he's looking for more than casual . . . guys know that women usually want more so sometimes they will say that just to get her "hooked" for the time being. Even when they say that you still have to observe how they date you.

 

This is a good idea but given your past tendency to fall in love quickly without any basis to do so, you need to build in brakes & slow downs. Set limits for yourself & stick to them. Maintain some mystery & let your brain rather than your heart or libido guide you

 

That's it. I want to slow myself down and not go much further unless I am certain that he is in for real. And this was only our first date.

 

So not getting obsessed would mean that I shouldn't be making assumptions about where he is at. Instead I will judge him by his actions, and ask questions about things that are important to me.

 

I already explained to him why I would like to take things really slow and he seemed totally fine with it.

 

I think the current situation can easily be mended because at least now he knows that I am attracted to him and really like him as a person and that taking it slow could be a beautiful thing. And worst case scenario it will protect me from another crash.

[ivionthenet]

This is what you need to focus on here.

 

Very easy to get carried away with some earth shattering kiss, and then forget the basics.

 

 

This is what I am talking about wanting to get to know him as a person. Some things that I didn't like is that he very occasionally uses drugs. Not the mean type but still drugs. And he just quit smoking and otherwise he is a very healthy fit man. So again it is one of those things where how occasional is the occasional, is it actually a big part of his life or not. It didn't sound like it but this is one thing I want to know about.

 

The other thing was that in his words "got laid three weeks ago" I asked him if he is seeing anyone right now, and he said no, that was casual. Which kind of doesn't make sense because he said that he isn't looking for casual sex, but had it only three weeks ago. I know it is different for men, but I don't care I want to be with someone who can keep his .... in his pants. But then again I had a few of those encounters myself in my time, so I have no right to judge. I just want to make sure he isn't sidetracked with some other chick.

 

Anyways I think I should give these thoughts a rest and maybe focus on my life for a few days. I have so much going on outside this blossoming little affair:-)

[ivionthenet]

so update:

 

We have been texting, not too much, a good amount. He initiated some conversation that was totally not sexual, and not flirty even, just conversation about interesting stuff that is happening in our town. And when I initiated conversation he replied straight away and there is just no game playing awkwardness.

 

I had some time to process what happened on Saturday and I realised that the things i like about him are really quite special. And considering the attraction between us we did really well at not devouring each other first off. Quite frankly I ran over in my head all the guys I have been with, and I never felt such an intense attraction towards a man before. There was once last year that was slightly close to this level and we did nothing but have sex for three months until I realised that we have nothing in common. (Again, this is why I want to get to know him first) So considering all this I am very happy with the way everything is going.

 

When he left last time (or kind stumbled out of my place in a spinning haze after that kiss) he said thank you for the walk and lets do this again sometime soon.

We talked about me wanting to take it slow, and he said he will do everything as I want, he will disappear if I want him to, leave me alone and I can just grab him any time etc and that is all great, but I still will not initiate when we should meet up next. It just doesn't feel right.

 

In terms of me not obsessing about him I think I am going quite well, because I still don't have any ideas about how this should turn out consequently I have no fear. I am just really enjoying this moment after all this is such an exciting and beautiful time when you meet someone you actually like.

 

I will keep you guys updated...even if you want me or not haha