When will you connect emotionally to your dates?

[Strahatmak]

I've been on 3, 4 dates and hang out with a guy we met at a game. He initated the contact. We exchange text everyday. Our conversations are short, though. He is much more excited when we talked about having fun and sport games.

 

Here is the issue: I am uncertain on how I should start the emotional connection. I am not saying to be needy, in fact I am not that high maintenance, but from time to time, I need comfort from my partner for my issues. All my previous partners were very caring people, and we started by connecting emotionally first. They cared and be there when I was upset. For this one, I hold back to share my negative feelings with him. I know he is interested in me, though I dunno what kind. He walked me with his arm around my lower back, and he liked to touch my leg and stroke it with his thumb. He asked me out again after each date and hang out. But here's the thing: he seems like he is looking for fun and more on physical vibes. Maybe I don't have the experience to jump right on to physical or other stuffs before I can comfortably chat freely with the dates.

 

And now I am a bit disappointed that he avoids my text when I texted him last night that something didn't work out and I was feeling upset. I didn't write an essay on it. I only sent him one line messaage because he knows the issue I am handling. Maybe he is not the right type of man to me? Would you care about your dates when they are going through a hard time?

[casey.lives]

I think people connect with one another when they feel safe and feel interested in the person and they share a unique moment

[Redhead14]

I've been on 3, 4 dates and hang out with a guy we met at a game. He initated the contact. We exchange text everyday. Our conversations are short, though. He is much more excited when we talked about having fun and sport games.

 

Here is the issue: I am uncertain on how I should start the emotional connection. I am not saying to be needy, in fact I am not that high maintenance, but from time to time, I need comfort from my partner for my issues. All my previous partners were very caring people, and we started by connecting emotionally first. They cared and be there when I was upset. For this one, I hold back to share my negative feelings with him. I know he is interested in me, though I dunno what kind. He walked me with his arm around my lower back, and he liked to touch my leg and stroke it with his thumb. He asked me out again after each date and hang out. But here's the thing: he seems like he is looking for fun and more on physical vibes. Maybe I don't have the experience to jump right on to physical or other stuffs before I can comfortably chat freely with the dates.

 

And now I am a bit disappointed that he avoids my text when I texted him last night that something didn't work out and I was feeling upset. I didn't write an essay on it. I only sent him one line messaage because he knows the issue I am handling. Maybe he is not the right type of man to me? Would you care about your dates when they are going through a hard time?

 

In the very early stages of a new dating scenario, a woman should be managing her emotions and expectations. She shouldn't be relying on a new dating partner for support of any kind for quite some time. That is the type of thing that shouldn't occur until a later stage of the relationship. In the beginning, things should be light and casual, no drama, etc. It puts pressure on a developing relationship before it is "strong enough" to withstand that kind of thing.

 

Sure, he should at least say he's sorry your're struggling but that's all he should do right now. Just maintain contact with him while you are struggling but don't drill down into it all. if a man senses you may start relying on him too soon, he'll back off. He doesn't want to be a woman's counselor or advisor right now. He wants to enjoy her company. I wouldn't mention anything else about what's going on with you. Put that aside if you can and focus on him. If you are struggling with something, have fun with him and that will be a distraction for you and help you manage the stress.

[Vintage79]

If you're struggling with something and seeking an emotional crutch, it shouldn't be someone you've only gone out with a few times - if you need that, you're really not ready to be dating. I'd say after a couple of months, the expectation is that they'll be there for you if times are rough - otherwise it's very much like Redhead said...

[Gary S]

Text is a very poor form of communication, I don't think people should take texting seriously.

 

Date him and see how you two get along in the real world, on dates.

[Gaeta]

I find it interesting that your definition of bounding is to share negative feelings. Don't use a boyfriend has a shrink. When you need support or feel the need to B* about something turn toward your girlfriends.

[kendahke]

I've been on 3, 4 dates and hang out with a guy we met at a game. He initated the contact. We exchange text everyday. Our conversations are short, though. He is much more excited when we talked about having fun and sport games.

 

Here is the issue: I am uncertain on how I should start the emotional connection. I am not saying to be needy, in fact I am not that high maintenance, but from time to time, I need comfort from my partner for my issues. All my previous partners were very caring people, and we started by connecting emotionally first. They cared and be there when I was upset. For this one, I hold back to share my negative feelings with him. I know he is interested in me, though I dunno what kind. He walked me with his arm around my lower back, and he liked to touch my leg and stroke it with his thumb. He asked me out again after each date and hang out. But here's the thing: he seems like he is looking for fun and more on physical vibes. Maybe I don't have the experience to jump right on to physical or other stuffs before I can comfortably chat freely with the dates.

 

And now I am a bit disappointed that he avoids my text when I texted him last night that something didn't work out and I was feeling upset. I didn't write an essay on it. I only sent him one line messaage because he knows the issue I am handling. Maybe he is not the right type of man to me? Would you care about your dates when they are going through a hard time?

 

If you two didn't at first connect on an emotional level, then texting him about being upset might be too much too soon after 4 dates. But it does sound a bit needy at this stage of the game to be expecting him to behave like the men you've had full on relationships with. You pretty much don't know this guy and he doesn't know you.

 

I don't know that I would climb into their storm at the 4 date mark, but then again, I don't think a guy is going to reach out to me for a "there there" at that point in the dating process. Perhaps if I'd known him a lot longer, he may feel comfortable enough to do it.

 

Right now, turn to your girls for that kind of support. Don't try to turn him into your girlfriend--that may be what has turned him off.

[Photofinish]

I find it interesting that your definition of bounding is to share negative feelings. Don't use a boyfriend has a shrink. When you need support or feel the need to B* about something turn toward your girlfriends.

 

Why not?

 

I go to my boyfriend for all of my problems , even "girl" problems (Because gender roles are stupid)

 

A boyfriend should absolutely be a pillar of support in one's life.

[kendahke]

Why not?

 

I go to my boyfriend for all of my problems , even "girl" problems (Because gender roles are stupid)

 

A boyfriend should absolutely be a pillar of support in one's life.

 

4 dates in?

 

He's not her boyfriend yet--she hasn't said they're at that point.

[Redhead14]

4 dates in?

 

He's not her boyfriend yet--she hasn't said they're at that point.

 

she hasn't said they're at that point -- Even if she did, I'd be questioning it. In fact, she's already going that way in her thinking for even asking the question.

[Gaeta]

Why not?

 

I go to my boyfriend for all of my problems , even "girl" problems (Because gender roles are stupid)

 

A boyfriend should absolutely be a pillar of support in one's life.

 

You can go to your boyfriend for all of your problems if you wish, I just happen to think it's a very unhealthy way of running a relationship.

 

I don't think a boyfriend wants to spend his time listening about office back stabbings and menstrual camps.

 

There is a difference between seeking a boyfriend's support and using him as a shrink on whom you will shed your every little problem and insecurity.

[Strahatmak]

Maybe the original post makes me sound needy - no, I am not having him solving my issues or giving me advises. For the very same issue, I did go to my close friends and cried about it - jk. I chatted muct more with my friends and dumped it all on them.

 

To make it more clear, iit is smilar to a big challenge and obstacle at work. I've been failing to solve it for many times already, and I am close to have a big fight with my boss and will risk my job. The version I gave him instead was: I have tried to solve something at work for a while already and I am nervous to deal with my boss. It is trimmed down to just 10% of the story. Is it that bad honestly? And in fact, he complained about his work to me a few times as well. I spare some of my time to show some level of caring to this new guy - I know he is stressed out so whenever he wants to de-stress by hanging out, I am doing my best to squeeze in.

 

Don't get me wrong, I had an extremely high maintenance boyfriend before and I was totally stressed out. Regardless, I'd still be surprised if someone is only expecting his new date to talk about happy thing 100% of the time. It's so fake.

[Strahatmak]

If you two didn't at first connect on an emotional level, then texting him about being upset might be too much too soon after 4 dates. But it does sound a bit needy at this stage of the game to be expecting him to behave like the men you've had full on relationships with. You pretty much don't know this guy and he doesn't know you.

 

I don't know that I would climb into their storm at the 4 date mark, but then again, I don't think a guy is going to reach out to me for a "there there" at that point in the dating process. Perhaps if I'd known him a lot longer, he may feel comfortable enough to do it.

 

Right now, turn to your girls for that kind of support. Don't try to turn him into your girlfriend--that may be what has turned him off.

 

But there must be a point where the two would emotionally connected, right?

 

I shouldn't keep talking from my experiences, but can't help that because it all started when I sneaked in a bit of the negative things I had at that time, my previous new dates started to kick in their caring mode. It natually happened. I don't understand why I think so much just to send him a message or two.

[Strahatmak]

You can go to your boyfriend for all of your problems if you wish, I just happen to think it's a very unhealthy way of running a relationship.

 

I don't think a boyfriend wants to spend his time listening about office back stabbings and menstrual camps.

 

There is a difference between seeking a boyfriend's support and using him as a shrink on whom you will shed your every little problem and insecurity.

 

I wouldn't go into details or went on more then three sentences unless he gave me the "keep going" signal. But holding all negatives back from him?

I did tell my boyfriends that I had a cramp so I wasn't feeling great to hang out today LOL

[d0nnivain]

I've been on 3, 4 dates and hang out with a guy we met at a game. We exchange text everyday. Our conversations are short, though. He is much more excited when we talked about having fun and sport games.

 

t from time to time, I need comfort from my partner for my issues.

 

4 dates in & daily texting does not an emotional connection make. whatever comfort you need get it from somewhere else at this very early stage. He's on the right page: this is supposed to be about fun at this stage not deep emotional connections. I mean really how long have you known him. . .a month? How can you expect a relative stranger to provide you with emotional support & comfort? That makes no sense to me at all. Genuine emotional connections where the other person can be trusted with your fears takes years & is built through shared experiences not text messages.

 

Dump your emotional baggage on your family & your close friends. Just enjoy this person's company for a while.

[Strahatmak]

Text is a very poor form of communication, I don't think people should take texting seriously.

 

Date him and see how you two get along in the real world, on dates.

 

We did.

And now I read more of the reponds here, I start wondering if I have dated my type - I had never worried to accidentally sneak in my negative emotions once a while even in my early dating stage. It just happened naturally. There was one time a previous guy and I were selecting a baby shower gift for a friend and I went all crazy on the phone fighting with this friend. I didn't care if it ruinned our moment until I realized that I lost my temper so badly. He however didn't care a sh..t and said, "You were right on her! She doesn't worth your caring." We had just started our second date at that time...

[Photofinish]

You can go to your boyfriend for all of your problems if you wish, I just happen to think it's a very unhealthy way of running a relationship.

 

I don't think a boyfriend wants to spend his time listening about office back stabbings and menstrual camps.

 

There is a difference between seeking a boyfriend's support and using him as a shrink on whom you will shed your every little problem and insecurity.

 

So what kind of relationship do you have if you're not best friends and not comfortable telling each other anything?

 

My boyfriend always listens and gives me advice.

 

If he is having issues I always give him advice too . I tell him about my menstrual cramps and he will ask me if I need anything and rub my head. He isnt grossed out or bothered.

 

 

Whats the point of a relationship if you dont talk about things that actually matter?

[d0nnivain]

Whats the point of a relationship if you dont talk about things that actually matter?

 

In a relationship you do have that connection. The OP has been on 4 dates with this guy, which imo is waaaaaayyyyy to early to start talking about cramps, her biggest fears, or intimate details of her life. Certain things should be shared gradually.

[Gaeta]

So what kind of relationship do you have if you're not best friends and not comfortable telling each other anything?

 

My boyfriend always listens and gives me advice.

 

If he is having issues I always give him advice too . I tell him about my menstrual cramps and he will ask me if I need anything and rub my head. He isnt grossed out or bothered.

 

 

Whats the point of a relationship if you dont talk about things that actually matter?

 

I've never said I am not comfortable with a boyfriend to discuss everything. I choose to not discuss everything with a boyfriend. I also do not believe a boyfriend should be my best friend. I personally think it's unhealthy to make a boyfriend the center of my life and have him as my best friend/lover/buddy and all. I believe in keeping a type of individuality while in a relationship.

 

Your philosophy is more the type that you and your boyfriend are one. I am more of the philosophy in a relationship we are 3. There is me, there is him, and there is us.

 

Of course I talk about things that matters, I am just selective of what I talk about because he's got his own thing going, his own problems and he doesn't need me to dump everything on him.

[Photofinish]

In a relationship you do have that connection. The OP has been on 4 dates with this guy, which imo is waaaaaayyyyy to early to start talking about cramps, her biggest fears, or intimate details of her life. Certain things should be shared gradually.

 

 

 

No I didnt mean this specific case.

 

 

I suppose to each their own. My boyfriend isnt the center of my life. I just think that relationships were you're both each others best friend is the best kind of relationship. Of course I dont think the OP is at this point yet but no harm in making her way to that point eventually .

[katiegrl]

In the very early stages of a new dating scenario, a woman should be managing her emotions and expectations. She shouldn't be relying on a new dating partner for support of any kind for quite some time. That is the type of thing that shouldn't occur until a later stage of the relationship. In the beginning, things should be light and casual, no drama, etc. It puts pressure on a developing relationship before it is "strong enough" to withstand that kind of thing.

 

 

^^This!!

 

 

 

 

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Edited July 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[kendahke]

But there must be a point where the two would emotionally connected, right?

 

I shouldn't keep talking from my experiences, but can't help that because it all started when I sneaked in a bit of the negative things I had at that time, my previous new dates started to kick in their caring mode. It natually happened. I don't understand why I think so much just to send him a message or two.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and don't place expectations on him based upon people that he's not. If your past guys did that, great. He ain't them. Proceed accordingly. He is who he is, not who they were. If you were at that point where you could dump your negativity, this post wouldn't be here, you know? He'd have given you all the signals that he was there. He hasn't. Quite the opposite from what you've said. You said:

he seems like he is looking for fun and more on physical vibes.

He isn't looking to be your "emotional tampon" right now. Him not responding to your text is him showing you exactly that.

 

If you need to talk about your work issues, there's a board here that discusses work related issues. You might find way more support and good, concrete advice there than with this guy right now.