Sex and Love -

[steve10498]

I'm at a loss for what to do...my GF and I have been together for almost a year and we are crazy about each other and have a great relationship on many different levels. I often think she is "the one." But there seems to be a disconnect when it comes to our sexual relationship. And because of this, i am fearful to go deeper in the relationship - i hear so much about sexual compatibility dooming long term relationships.

 

Basically, she never initiates sex or is seductive. Once within the first month she seemed into it and would come over wearing lingerie and get into sex toys, etc....but since then, nothing. When I requested it a couple of times, she tried but it felt a bit "routine" and non-passionate.

 

She loves cuddling all the time. She constantly tells me she is attracted to me and wants us to move in and build a future together. When we do have sex after I initiate, she seems really into it and has orgasms, etc. She rarely says no if I initiate. We discussed this topic couple several times and she has told me that she wished this wouldn't be the case and is working on it. She even got off the pill to increase libido, which worked! she masturbates more often and orgasms faster. But it doesn't help in our bedroom. Says she's not feeling confident in herself or sexy because she's used to exercising more and doing the dating thing, which helps her feel sexy and attractive by being pursued. But this is one of her first long-term relationships and its baffling to her. She says she will work hard to figure it out but she's been saying that for a while now.

 

At this point we are only going once every two weeks. It feels awful to not be pursued sexually and I think its taking away my sexual energy with her, thus I'm not as willing to initiate as much anymore with her. I want to be seduced sometimes and feel the two-way passion. I have asked her what I can do to help, recognizing i might be contributing to the problem - but i haven't heard anything. Everything else with her non-sexually is amazing.

 

Am I being a ridiculous perfectionist? It’s just sex right? Is this something that can be developed over time and worth sticking around for because everything else works so well in our relationship? Or does this seem like a classic case of mis-matched sexuality and I should end it now before we continue to feel worse.

[salparadise]

It seems like you're not on the same page in terms of how the arousal magic works. I hardly know what to make of her statement about dating and being constantly pursued as key to arousal for her. If that's true it doesn't bode well for the future of a committed, monogamous relationship. It sounds like the incompatibility isn't in the bedroom per se, but in how the events leading up to it make her feel.

 

I don't have the answer, but I do know that sex is extremely important to most people, and without sexual chemistry it's hard to sustain a relationship. For many it's a primary consideration, for other's it's secondary. But few would even want to try and make a go if it simply wasn't working.

 

My suggestion would be to explore what it takes to flip her switch. Role playing or something?

[scooby-philly]

I agree with salparadise. That person commented a few times on a recent thread of mine and seemed to be spot on.

 

We live in a repressed culture - we either belittle sex, overtly religious people turn it into something evil, or we're just not open and honest about it. If it started hot and heavy as you said and then turned dull I agree - the issue isn't the physical act as sal said - but with her mind's idea of what turns her on.

 

You see that with all types of dysfunctions - people (usually guys) addicted to porn who either can't get it up or after a while get bored.

 

And perhaps to a certain extent it also comes from her ability to be open about what she wants and be comfy with her sexuality. You've stated that you have talked about it, you've done things to spice things up on you're end - so the quesiton is can she tell you or can you figure out ways to get her aroused - maybe dirty talk, phone sex, etc. For myself, I've dated two women in the past 3 years - one very conservative who wouldn't even let me see her vagina and one who loved sex - supposedly - but neither one would do anything to initiate it. In the one case the conservative one was just that - not comfortable with her sexuality - oh sure she could make jokes and didn't mind being penetrated, but it was always bland - and the one time she wore lingerie she couldn't even be seductive. The one I just broke up with was probably so used to being hit on and being chased that she didn't express what she wanted and it took her longer and longer to orgasm as the months dragged on - last time it took 40 minutes. I know what turns me on, kissing, touching, foreplay - give me 5-10 minutes to start and then it's on. But neither of them could do that and mean it, so it did become routine - even with the recent one being into all sorts of things.

 

So either get her to open up and tell you things to do or try and figure it out - but it's not your job to keep trying on a one way street.

[smackie9]

With women you have to stimulate their brain to stimulate them sexually.

 

Women need to be romanced OUTSIDE of the bedroom, feel appreciated, that feel they are desired...again outside of the bedroom.

 

Things have stalled because things are "routine" and you both have gotten comfortable.

 

Before trying things in the bedroom, try bring back flirting, surprise her with special dates....not stupid dinners, but taking salsa lessons, or a cooking class for couples, or some kind of adventure....be more spontaneous. Try the romance thing first, then take on things in the bedroom later.

[steve10498]

Hey thanks all for taking the time to respond. Its super helpful. So we did talk some more and it turns out that she indeed wants to be turned on differently. I wished I had known sooner but at least i know. She talked about wanting more romantic initiation on my end. Spontaneous sex; surprised in the kitchen; some lovemaking; and overall romantic gestures outside of the bedroom. I'm a little different in how I seek sex, a little more pre-planned and open discussion...but I'm willing to try and be a partner with this by doing things her way as well. Hopefully that will lead to making us both satisified. So we'll see how this goes.