"Chilling" with someone...is it not working out? Or give it more time?

[SweetCharity]

Here I go again.

 

Met a guy at a hookah bar. We connected instantly. He was attractive, smart and seemed really into me.

 

First date we went back to his place and an immediate red flag went up. Though I knew going back to his place might elicit a green light, when he made a move I tried to tell him I didn't want to rush things. He still kept making a move and when I tried to say something he told me to shut up. He maybe was being playful but I kind of got scared so I just gave in and slept with him. So in a way I felt we were doomed from the start. I was also surprised at myself for feeling scared. I don't really think he would have forced himself on me if I had been more firm in saying no. And I don't know why I didn't give him a firm no. Truth is I never should have gone back to his place but I'm very good at reading people and knowing if they're a threat or not.

 

Second date was great. We hung out and talked about everything. I talked to him about my feelings during our first time and he was shocked I had felt scared and said he never would have forced or hurt me. That when he told me to shut up it was just in a joking manner. So I thought, "fine, it's a misunderstanding."

 

 

Third date, we went out. I got a little drunk. I gave a bouncer googly eyes. He found out and was really upset by it and wouldn't stop bringing it up. I felt ashamed. I stopped drinking heavily for this exact reason. I get a little too flirtatious with other guys if I don't watch myself. So yes, that was my bad.

 

 

After that night he tells me that we're just "chilling" when before it had seemed we were more than chilling and actually considering a relationship but taking it slow. He says that I kind of "f*cked it up." Then he immediately apologized for saying that.

 

 

We've tried hanging out several times after that. Each time we bicker about something. Then make up and bicker again. He keeps bringing up the bouncer. I told him it was a mistake and that I wasn't going to drink again around him.

 

We even tried going out another time and I pretty much avoided anyone of the opposite sex. But as I tried to get to the bar some guy was blocking it and beckoned me over. I went over thinking maybe he knew me and he put his hand on my waist and asked what I was doing. Once I realized he didn't know me I was all, "I'm here with my bf...we're tyring to get to the bar." My date came over and introduced himself to the guy. Later he wouldn't let me hear the end of it about how I was hugging on some guy.

 

 

Also, his affection has withdrawn. The last time we hung out it was like I was barely even there. He wouldn't go near me or touch me.

 

 

He says he's trying to wean himself off anti-depressants so he has been moody lately. I am being understanding.

 

 

Haven't heard from him in two days.

 

 

Shall I just end it? Or give it more time? We've seen each other for two weeks and just don't seem to get along but he insists he likes me a lot and I do feel a connection. But I'm seeing major red flags for a possibly emotionally abusive person and I really don't want to deal with that.

 

I struggle from low self esteem so at times I feel like this is the best I can do. Most guys don't even stick around for this long. Rationally speaking I know thinking like that is silly.

Edited July 29, 2015 by SweetCharity

[xcupid]

End it. Too many red flags. You should have run the other way on the first date when he told you to shut up and you slept with him.

[mrldii]

...I'm seeing major red flags for a possibly emotionally abusive person and I really don't want to deal with that.

 

I struggle from low self esteem so at times I feel like this is the best I can do. Most guys don't even stick around for this long. Rationally speaking I know thinking like that is silly.

 

Rationally-speaking or not, you're certainly creating and sustaining your self-fulfilling prophecy in which you *prove* to yourself you are worth nothing more being with an emotionally-abusive mate.

 

 

Heed the red flags as soon as you see them IF you want to stop your feelings of low self-esteem, or continue to ignore red flags so men continue to treat you the way you deep-down *know* you deserve to be treated.

 

 

Best of luck in your choice, OP...

[scorpiogirl]

Give him more time to do what? "Chill" with you? Argue with you? Damage your already low self esteem even more? In a case like this, I'd rather be alone than be with someone who won't respect me.

 

If you want a relationship, don't "chill" with someone. What does that even mean? He gets what he wants and you're left feeling bad.

 

Delete his number, block all forms of contact and sort yourself out before getting into another situation.

 

You probably won't follow this advice but save it somewhere for when you're ready to start being treated the way that you deserve.

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you're good at reading people. Use those skills and read the writing on the wall here. It's not going to work. He's already ending it by being cold and fading after just two weeks.

 

In the future, listen to your gut and don't go home with a guy the first night if you're not comfortable doing so. Him being pushy about sex was a huge red flag. Now you have seen plenty of other warning signs and you barely know him. There's really nothing to end. Just don't contact him anymore.

[fitnessfan365]

OP, you do seem to have bad luck with these guys that you choose. It definitely sucks you keep getting hit and quit. But, I do feel like you try to avoid your share of responsibility and act really naive. Take your prior hookah guy and this one. In both cases you say "I don't just want a hook up" and "I'm not looking to rush things" right before you have sex back at their place. In the end, you're the one putting yourself in these bad situations. If you don't want to keep getting hit and quit, stop going back to their place within 1-3 dates and hooking up so soon. It's that simple.

 

Now I will admit it's an unfair double standard. If you put out too soon, you're not relationship material. If you don't put out soon enough, you're a prude. It's very hard to win w-us. That's why I'm glad I'm not a woman in dating. But here is my speculation on what happened. Since you slept w-him on night one, and then made "googly eyes" at the bouncer, he didn't see you as a woman that could settle down.

[RoseVille]

My brothers taught me something when I was younger - the unfair double standard. They'll want to have sex with you if they like you and find you attractive, it's a natural desire and drive. They won't hold back. But the next morning, they'll be bummed that you did, if you went too fast. The allure will be lost, and they'll wonder if you do that with every guy. And they pay attention to your actions - you having sex with them the first night - not what you say about not wanting to just be a hookup. If you don't want to be a hookup, you can't act like one.

[Redhead14]

Here I go again.

 

Met a guy at a hookah bar. We connected instantly. He was attractive, smart and seemed really into me.

 

First date we went back to his place and an immediate red flag went up. Though I knew going back to his place might elicit a green light, when he made a move I tried to tell him I didn't want to rush things. He still kept making a move and when I tried to say something he told me to shut up. He maybe was being playful but I kind of got scared so I just gave in and slept with him. So in a way I felt we were doomed from the start. I was also surprised at myself for feeling scared. I don't really think he would have forced himself on me if I had been more firm in saying no. And I don't know why I didn't give him a firm no. Truth is I never should have gone back to his place but I'm very good at reading people and knowing if they're a threat or not.

 

Second date was great. We hung out and talked about everything. I talked to him about my feelings during our first time and he was shocked I had felt scared and said he never would have forced or hurt me. That when he told me to shut up it was just in a joking manner. So I thought, "fine, it's a misunderstanding."

 

 

Third date, we went out. I got a little drunk. I gave a bouncer googly eyes. He found out and was really upset by it and wouldn't stop bringing it up. I felt ashamed. I stopped drinking heavily for this exact reason. I get a little too flirtatious with other guys if I don't watch myself. So yes, that was my bad.

 

 

After that night he tells me that we're just "chilling" when before it had seemed we were more than chilling and actually considering a relationship but taking it slow. He says that I kind of "f*cked it up." Then he immediately apologized for saying that.

 

 

We've tried hanging out several times after that. Each time we bicker about something. Then make up and bicker again. He keeps bringing up the bouncer. I told him it was a mistake and that I wasn't going to drink again around him.

 

We even tried going out another time and I pretty much avoided anyone of the opposite sex. But as I tried to get to the bar some guy was blocking it and beckoned me over. I went over thinking maybe he knew me and he put his hand on my waist and asked what I was doing. Once I realized he didn't know me I was all, "I'm here with my bf...we're tyring to get to the bar." My date came over and introduced himself to the guy. Later he wouldn't let me hear the end of it about how I was hugging on some guy.

 

 

Also, his affection has withdrawn. The last time we hung out it was like I was barely even there. He wouldn't go near me or touch me.

 

 

He says he's trying to wean himself off anti-depressants so he has been moody lately. I am being understanding.

 

 

Haven't heard from him in two days.

 

 

Shall I just end it? Or give it more time? We've seen each other for two weeks and just don't seem to get along but he insists he likes me a lot and I do feel a connection. But I'm seeing major red flags for a possibly emotionally abusive person and I really don't want to deal with that.

 

I struggle from low self esteem so at times I feel like this is the best I can do. Most guys don't even stick around for this long. Rationally speaking I know thinking like that is silly.

 

He still kept making a move and when I tried to say something he told me to shut up. He maybe was being playful but I kind of got scared so I just gave in and slept with him. -- Seriously, I'm going to be harsh, here. Why in the world would you do that??? I struggle from low self esteem -- this is the answer to all your questions here. Don't do anything just because you think you can't do better.

 

Most guys don't even stick around for this long -- Once some guys get sex, especially when they sense that the woman has a weakness, will stick around for a long as they can to keep having sex. When he's done with it, he's done with it.

 

Stop dating for a long time until you can focus on yourself and become a confident, assertive, strong young woman. You will find yourself in big trouble with men until you can get a grip.

 

"He says he's trying to wean himself off anti-depressants so he has been moody lately. I am being understanding." -- No you're not being understanding. You are setting yourself up to be a doormat. Accepting poor behavior from people and making excuses for them. And, he's weaning himself off of anti-depressants? That has to be done with the supervision of a doctor. If he's under the care of a doctor and had to be on anti-depressants, why does he need anti-depressants? Anti-depressants are often used in conjunction with other medications to manage other "issues". If he's going off his meds without the supervision of a doctor, who knows what the heck you'll be dealing with . . .

 

Move on from this one. He's trouble! You sound very young -- You must have some other support system besides an online dating advice site. Go there, you'll need their help.

[Gary S]

I don't like guys who take a girl to their place on the first date and pressure her. Now where did that shotgun go?!

[SweetCharity]

OP, you do seem to have bad luck with these guys that you choose. It definitely sucks you keep getting hit and quit. But, I do feel like you try to avoid your share of responsibility and act really naive. Take your prior hookah guy and this one. In both cases you say "I don't just want a hook up" and "I'm not looking to rush things" right before you have sex back at their place. In the end, you're the one putting yourself in these bad situations. If you don't want to keep getting hit and quit, stop going back to their place within 1-3 dates and hooking up so soon. It's that simple.

 

Now I will admit it's an unfair double standard. If you put out too soon, you're not relationship material. If you don't put out soon enough, you're a prude. It's very hard to win w-us. That's why I'm glad I'm not a woman in dating. But here is my speculation on what happened. Since you slept w-him on night one, and then made "googly eyes" at the bouncer, he didn't see you as a woman that could settle down.

 

Yeah at first he said it seemed like I wouldn't be able to settle down but today he said that I was looking for a relationship. We finally spoke today and he told me he we should slow things down. When I said that's what I had wanted from the beginning he got very defensive and said he didn't want to f*ck with me anymore because I couldn't be chill and wanted a relationship. When I said he was full of bs he told me I just wasn't the girl he thought I was. When I insisted he explain what he meant he called me crazy.

[losangelena]

Yeah at first he said it seemed like I wouldn't be able to settle down but today he said that I was looking for a relationship. We finally spoke today and he told me he we should slow things down. When I said that's what I had wanted from the beginning he got very defensive and said he didn't want to f*ck with me anymore because I couldn't be chill and wanted a relationship. When I said he was full of bs he told me I just wasn't the girl he thought I was. When I insisted he explain what he meant he called me crazy.

 

NOPE. Girl, get out now. This kind of behavior only gets worse, not better.

[SweetCharity]

NOPE. Girl, get out now. This kind of behavior only gets worse, not better.

 

Nope, it's over. I told him to go f himself and stormed out. He said he was sorry but was still defensive. After bickering at his door I told him to grow up and left. I saw him watch me as I drive off. I wasn't naive. I knew he'd turn on me eventually. They always do. Deep down inside I was hoping for the best. If I could cut out that part of myself that hopes for the best I would.