billion Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm just out of a 4 years relationship (see my other post in Breakups called 'I really need a reality check' for a detail of the situation if interested). I am just beginning of getting the bigger picture, some clarity about what happened and I think I might have been in a relationship with a commitment phobe. What do you think? Here are some characteristics of the guy: - Very handsome 42 years old man - Tall and very athletic - Always involved in what appears to be complicated relationships (we were long distance at first (America/Europe), he has been involved with married women in previous relationships) - His relationships never lasted very long and after he was 27, he never lived in an apartment with a woman. - We lived 2 years long distance (seeing each others every 2 months) and 2 years in my apartment (he moved to be with me). During the 2 years we lived together, he got back to France for 3-4 weeks at the time to visit his friends and family (Ugh! - without me because I was working) - He always finds a way to retract from the relationship, doing separate activities - He is very secretive (with his phone, computer, etc..) - He has cheated on some girlfriends - He is very seductive and seeks validation from other women through seduction - He obviously lacks self confidence and needs a lot of validation that he is desired - This man could never look me in the eyes for a long time, mostly in the beginning of the relationship, he wouldn't want to lock eyes with me, saying it was 'strange'! I always lock eyes with my lover because it feels so great. It felt weird! - He has a twin brother (don't know if that helps!) - At one point, he moved in with me and the day he brung his things, we got a fight, he was very uncomfortable about the situation (anxiety due to closeness?) - I always felt he had a foot in and a foot out of the relationship door - He wanted to do things on its own, be very independant - He was finding me faults (not feminine enough (ex. wearing more sexy clothing that showed a little cleavage, not pampered enough, etc..) - Temporarily bad temper, he was getting really cold and directive with me for no reason - I think that our relationship and interactions made me a little more vulnerable in general and affected my self esteem a little. I think that it was his goal (unconsciously or consciously) to diminish my confidence. - He is ALWAYS late (even with friends and family). - His job is not really engaging, in the sense that it is quite flexible and that he has 16 weeks off through the year. Apart from that he seems to be able to make friends and develop friendships, he really loves that in fact. He is good friend with women that are older than him, he has gay friends and single guys friends. He also On top of my head, those are the characteristics I can think of. Edited July 28, 2015 by billion Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Who cares what label you call him? Was it a good relationship or not? Was he a good boyfriend? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author billion Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Who cares? I do! It would definitely help me move on more rapidly and this is why I'm asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billion Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Really? I keep on seeing information about this on the web, as it is a fact that some men and women do have a fear of commitment ... Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Is he the first person you've dated who you felt was a commitmentphobe? People who are attracted to commitmentphobic people are often commitmentphobic themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billion Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Is he the first person you've dated who you felt was a commitmentphobe? People who are attracted to commitmentphobic people are often commitmentphobic themselves. Roseville... Thanks for your reply. I think you are right on. I was thinking about that today and the answer is No.. he was not the only one. This is also why I wanted to have some confirmation about those traits, to get closure rapidly but also to confirm a pattern of mine. I'm 40, a good looking redhead, and managed to go through my twenties and thirties without being married or engaging myself seriously, being interested mostly in the guys that were rather 'difficult' and not being attracted at all by the normal good guys with whom it would have been easier to commit because of reciprocity. I have to take a good look in the mirror I think.. Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Sounds like a commitment-phobe to me based on the traits you have described. Definitely wanted to be independent. Possibly even narcissistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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