How often should we be texting each other?

[RoseHeart]

Long story short... my sorta ex is back in my life. He wasn't ready to commit at a stage due to conflicts and I distanced myself from him. After a series of events we are back in each other's lives and things have been going very well. It feels different this time as both him and I have had time to reflect on what we did wrong. I was too pushy and not relaxed enough while he under reacted and struggled to let me in.

 

Now I have been struggling a lot with knowing when to text him or not. I do not want to come across as pushy or clingy. I know he's not a big texter and neither am I really. We've had 3 very meaningful conversations this week over texting and some were initiated by him and other by me. Now this sounds fine but thing is I have NO idea how often we should be texting as 2 people who are just dating. I don't know how much space he needs. Right now it's not possible for us to see each other physically as we are on holiday from university and each in our own respective towns. We'll only be able to see one another in 2 weeks time.

 

So I guess my questions are these

1. how often should we text one another?

2. Who should be doing the initiating?

3. How long should our conversations be?

 

I'm sorry if this is silly but I want to know what other people are doing in their dating lives. I'm really clueless.

[mystikmind2005]

There are no wrong or right rules here. It depends on the person.

 

I have had women complain i am too clingy, and i have had women complain i am too distant, the whole time i am just being me.

 

The lesson here is that it is not about what i am doing wrong, it is about the personality match.

 

So if you find it difficult to adjust yourself to him, it could be a sign of personality mismatch? And your not going to win that battle, and why would you want to? because the person who you are, you should be beautiful to him.

 

The immediate and obvious solution is to ask him?

[RoseHeart]

There are no wrong or right rules here. It depends on the person.

 

I have had women complain i am too clingy, and i have had women complain i am too distant, the whole time i am just being me.

 

The lesson here is that it is not about what i am doing wrong, it is about the personality match.

 

So if you find it difficult to adjust yourself to him, it could be a sign of personality mismatch? And your not going to win that battle, and why would you want to? because the person who you are, you should be beautiful to him.

 

The immediate and obvious solution is to ask him?

 

Thanks for the feedback. It's not like i'm unhappy with our communication. In fact I am pretty happy with how things are but I'm just a typical overthinker and always wonder if it's enough or too little. He has told me before that I should text him whenever I want to and shouldn't be afraid of saying hi first. I just didn't know if there are proper texting etiquette for daters.

[Arieswoman]

Roseheart,

I really don't get this "texting" business, IMO it's so impersonal.

 

What's wrong with picking up a 'phone and actually talking to the person ?

[Gaeta]

You and him have a past together, you are no strangers getting to know each other. I hope your past failed relationship together has taught you it is always better to be honest, open, forward, and yourself. If you feel like texting him than do it. Don't try to be someone you are not.

[d0nnivain]

. We've had 3 very meaningful conversations this week over texting and some were initiated by him and other by me. .

 

 

I'm sorry but this seems impossible to me. Texting is for short one liners, think Twitter: please pick up milk; I love you; I'm running late. By definition if the conversation is meaningful it should occur live in person so that you can see the other person's face & read body language. If physical is not possible, voice can be an acceptable substitute but if it's by text, at best it means neither of the participants have a clue about meaningful human interaction & need to hide behind a device.

 

 

I'm glad you feel more connected to him & things seem to be going your way but when you are still at a point where you are counting, where you are concerned about how many times you contact & who initiated you are not yet in a strong relationship. When it's good, you communicate as needed but still it's ridiculous to thing the other person has hours a day to spend connected to their phone. When it's good, you are also secure enough to spend time apart without constant reaffirmation. For example every couple of years DH has to go away for work for 6-8 weeks. Our communication is reduced to one good morning text and an early evening phone call. That's it. Maybe we'll like something on FB but I don't consider FB important & it's no substitute for in person or voice.

 

 

In the end if you are not unhappy with the communication the level is fine. Trust yourself.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm sorry but this seems impossible to me. Texting is for short one liners, think Twitter: please pick up milk; I love you; I'm running late. By definition if the conversation is meaningful it should occur live in person so that you can see the other person's face & read body language. If physical is not possible, voice can be an acceptable substitute but if it's by text, at best it means neither of the participants have a clue about meaningful human interaction & need to hide behind a device.

 

 

I'm glad you feel more connected to him & things seem to be going your way but when you are still at a point where you are counting, where you are concerned about how many times you contact & who initiated you are not yet in a strong relationship. When it's good, you communicate as needed but still it's ridiculous to thing the other person has hours a day to spend connected to their phone. When it's good, you are also secure enough to spend time apart without constant reaffirmation. For example every couple of years DH has to go away for work for 6-8 weeks. Our communication is reduced to one good morning text and an early evening phone call. That's it. Maybe we'll like something on FB but I don't consider FB important & it's no substitute for in person or voice.

 

 

In the end if you are not unhappy with the communication the level is fine. Trust yourself.

 

I disagree that you cannot have meaningful exchanges via text, of course in person is always that bit MORE meaningful, but texting can be a valid way of communication. I recall many, many times when dating a guy having really deep text exchanges, people forget that texts don't have to be 140 characters these days, some were more akin to lengthy emails. Similar with those closest to me in ways other than romantically, as much as I like to spend plenty of time in person with my close friends we're in touch frequently while geography bars us from just going for a drink, my best friend and I catch up with each other most days via text, sometimes just for a short check in but lots of times to discuss things that've gone on in our days, good or bad, our feelings, really there seems to be no limit to what can be talked about via text. It's no substitute but not everyone wants to keep texting to one liners or arranging plans.

 

Some people do find it easier to talk about the real difficult stuff via text than in person, but for some it's a way of opening a dialogue that they can then continue in person. Sure it's not ideal, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're avoidant or unable to have a face to face talk, I'm very confident and outspoken and there are few things I can't or won't just bring up there and then in person but everyone has differing levels of self esteem, confidence, social anxiety, shyness or confidence, some topics are REALLY hard to bring up full stop and not everyone has the opportunity to have deep chats in person with some privacy. Every time a texting thread happens there are plenty of posters saying they don't like or understand texting... but that's them, and their preferences, not yours. You gotta work with yours. If you're happy with your communication it doesn't matter whether it's in person, text, emails, calls, snapchat, facetime, whatsapp, skype, letters... feeling connected and close to someone can take many forms.

 

However I agree totally regarding the idea that if you're still counting, it isn't working for you... if you needs were being met, you wouldn't be keeping track of how often you speak to one another. Once you start keeping tabs on who initiates most often it's a sure fire sign that you've picked up that you're not getting as much attention as you require. I hate to be so simplistic but in a good relationship, the communication should flow freely and without too much effort, everyone has different levels of what they want! I've had boyfriends who texted me multiple times per hour and at the time it felt great as I had the time and desire to reply just as often, I'm talking hundreds of messages across a day or two. And others where just a handful is fine, at the start of a relationship I'd be hoping for some sort of checking in during the day to say hey or ask about one another's days and some more lengthy communication later on in the day via one medium or another, the key is feeling like one's partner desires the communication as much as you do.

 

I'd suggest just going with the flow for a while. Text him when you want to and have something to say. Reply to his messages if they inspire you to say something. Don't allow yourself to time replies, count messages, just try and relax as much as possible and your communication patterns will settle into a natural flow, you can then work out if that level of communication is something you can live with.

Edited July 4, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse

[Jimmyy18]

When there is a interesting topic then text her. If not every 2 days or so ask how is your partner

[DatingDee]

Thanks for the feedback. It's not like i'm unhappy with our communication. In fact I am pretty happy with how things are but I'm just a typical overthinker and always wonder if it's enough or too little. He has told me before that I should text him whenever I want to and shouldn't be afraid of saying hi first. I just didn't know if there are proper texting etiquette for daters.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about quantity or counting. You should do what feels natural to you. If texting several times a day feels natural to you and is ok with him, then just do it. If you overthink things, you are either overcomplicating things or your needs aren't being met. Which is it?

 

 

I would go with the flow and answer texts when it feels good and you like the topic. I would also mix texting with other deeper communication modes like phone or Skype. Texting can be good but isn't as personal as phoning or Skyping. If after going with the flow for a while, you can't find a rythm of communication that matches... then maybe you're not in the right relationship. Good luck!

[RoseHeart]

Roseheart,

I really don't get this "texting" business, IMO it's so impersonal.

 

What's wrong with picking up a 'phone and actually talking to the person ?

 

There's nothing wrong with it.

 

I'm 21 years old and on a student budget like the rest of my peers. We can't just pick up the phone and call people whenever. It's actually very expensive to call people in my country.

[RoseHeart]

I'm sorry but this seems impossible to me. Texting is for short one liners, think Twitter: please pick up milk; I love you; I'm running late. By definition if the conversation is meaningful it should occur live in person so that you can see the other person's face & read body language. If physical is not possible, voice can be an acceptable substitute but if it's by text, at best it means neither of the participants have a clue about meaningful human interaction & need to hide behind a device.

 

 

I'm glad you feel more connected to him & things seem to be going your way but when you are still at a point where you are counting, where you are concerned about how many times you contact & who initiated you are not yet in a strong relationship. When it's good, you communicate as needed but still it's ridiculous to thing the other person has hours a day to spend connected to their phone. When it's good, you are also secure enough to spend time apart without constant reaffirmation. For example every couple of years DH has to go away for work for 6-8 weeks. Our communication is reduced to one good morning text and an early evening phone call. That's it. Maybe we'll like something on FB but I don't consider FB important & it's no substitute for in person or voice.

 

 

In the end if you are not unhappy with the communication the level is fine. Trust yourself.

 

 

I'd love to talk to him in person and even over the phone but it's not just possible for me. As explained I'm only seeing him in 2 weeks time and calling people is very expensive for students like us who are on a budget. When I say "meaningful" I simply mean we aren't chit chatting about how our day was or what we are up to. We talk about interests and we make jokes and connect in a different way. For me it's meaningful enough for now. Thanks for the advice

[Redhead14]

Long story short... my sorta ex is back in my life. He wasn't ready to commit at a stage due to conflicts and I distanced myself from him. After a series of events we are back in each other's lives and things have been going very well. It feels different this time as both him and I have had time to reflect on what we did wrong. I was too pushy and not relaxed enough while he under reacted and struggled to let me in.

 

Now I have been struggling a lot with knowing when to text him or not. I do not want to come across as pushy or clingy. I know he's not a big texter and neither am I really. We've had 3 very meaningful conversations this week over texting and some were initiated by him and other by me. Now this sounds fine but thing is I have NO idea how often we should be texting as 2 people who are just dating. I don't know how much space he needs. Right now it's not possible for us to see each other physically as we are on holiday from university and each in our own respective towns. We'll only be able to see one another in 2 weeks time.

 

So I guess my questions are these

1. how often should we text one another?

2. Who should be doing the initiating?

3. How long should our conversations be?

 

I'm sorry if this is silly but I want to know what other people are doing in their dating lives. I'm really clueless.

 

You are basically at square one in dating him. You won't know if you've sufficiently and mutually resolved the previous issues until you observe the new opportunity objectively. And, forget about texting requirements. Does he date you properly now. Is he consistent with communication and doing more calling than texting? The texting should only be an interim link between calls. You should not be having significant conversations via text.

 

And, in order to really focus on all this you need to understand and focus on your needs. What do you need in terms of communication with him? Do you like a good morning/good night text everyday? Do you like to get a text or two during the day? What does he like with texting. Communicate those needs and work them out between you.

 

I'm suggesting the folllowing approach to you to show him that you have recovered from being too pushy and not relaxed. If I were you I'd let him do most of the initiating and keep it balanced. He initiates, you respond in number and context. If you do initiate here and there and you don't get an answer as quickly as you'd like, don't send 5 more. Just let it sit until he does respond.

[RoseHeart]

You are basically at square one in dating him. You won't know if you've sufficiently and mutually resolved the previous issues until you observe the new opportunity objectively. And, forget about texting requirements. Does he date you properly now. Is he consistent with communication and doing more calling than texting? The texting should only be an interim link between calls. You should not be having significant conversations via text.

 

And, in order to really focus on all this you need to understand and focus on your needs. What do you need in terms of communication with him? Do you like a good morning/good night text everyday? Do you like to get a text or two during the day? What does he like with texting. Communicate those needs and work them out between you.

 

I'm suggesting the folllowing approach to you to show him that you have recovered from being too pushy and not relaxed. If I were you I'd let him do most of the initiating and keep it balanced. He initiates, you respond in number and context. If you do initiate here and there and you don't get an answer as quickly as you'd like, don't send 5 more. Just let it sit until he does respond.

 

Thanks for the time you took on writing that. I like your suggestions a lot. Thing is as I've explained here it's not the norm to call people. It's very expensive to call people and quite unusual for people my age. I'm 21 and on a student budget so can't just call him and neither can he. We have to make use of texting unfortunately. That's how my peers all communicate with one another. I like your suggestions a lot though so thanks.