Would you say these were indicators of an immature man?

[firefly1]

Guy I've known for 3 months, semi dating and semi hanging out.

 

He is almost 39. Never married no kids.

 

He wears T shirts and shorts a lot, never wears anything else.

 

He pulls stupid faces for the camera ( sticks tongue out and rolls his eyes)

 

if I say on text I'm not feeling very well, he won't ask me 'how are you feeling?' straight away. He will say it in an hours time even though he saw the message. Makes me feel he isn't very concerned. If I say I just got harassed by some guy on the street he won't text back 'oh no, why was he harassing you?' He will just ignore it.

 

He doesn't wash the dishes when I cook.

 

He goes out drinking and partying a few nights a week.

 

He says he wants to settle down and have kids. He has a good job and is smart but I'm thinking his EQ isn't very high?

 

He isn't really close to his friends, he kind of sticks to himself.

 

I am 11 years younger than him.

[amaysngrace]

How are his video game skills?

[firefly1]

How are his video game skills?

 

Funny you should say that. He makes them for a living.

[todreaminblue]

sounds like an immature man to me...but i think you know already if he is or isnt mature.....deb

[elaine567]

Overgrown schoolboy.

Do not assume he will grow up and become a caring, sensitive person.

His time for growing up has long since gone.

Despite you being 11 years younger, he will also need looking after, be prepared to be his mom.

 

He may have Peter Pan syndrome - Peter Pan Syndrome - Beaumont Psychological Services, P.C.

PPS - affected are emotionally stunted at an adolescent level.

[Curious-One]

Guy I've known for 3 months, semi dating and semi hanging out.

 

He is almost 39. Never married no kids.

 

He wears T shirts and shorts a lot, never wears anything else.

 

He pulls stupid faces for the camera ( sticks tongue out and rolls his eyes)

if I say on text I'm not feeling very well, he won't ask me 'how are you feeling?' straight away. He will say it in an hours time even though he saw the message. Makes me feel he isn't very concerned. If I say I just got harassed by some guy on the street he won't text back 'oh no, why was he harassing you?' He will just ignore it.

 

He doesn't wash the dishes when I cook.

 

He goes out drinking and partying a few nights a week.

 

He says he wants to settle down and have kids. He has a good job and is smart but I'm thinking his EQ isn't very high?

 

He isn't really close to his friends, he kind of sticks to himself.

 

I am 11 years younger than him.

 

All these replies made me mad...i hate the way society thinks a 39 year old is suppose to act.

 

Are you kidding me....sounds like a really cool guy who is loving life and enjoying himself. .Here are my problems with your COMPLAINTS...

 

1) So him being 39 never married no kids.... how is that a bad thing exactly? Sounds like someone that doesn't make mistakes and thinks before he actually does something. I am guessing you would prefer somoene who has been married 3 times with 5 kids and 4 different baby mamas... i mean that would really show how mature that person is

 

2)Whats so bad about tshirts and shorts...if thats what he likes/prefers to wear then why shouldn't he wear it? I didnt realize you were suppose to stop wearing shorts and tshirts after you reach a certain age...

 

3) Stupid faces tongue sticking out.....look life is short....you can choose to worry about what people think about you , act serious IE BORING, and look like a robot or you can have fun and not take life so serious. Think about it when you are on that death bed are you going to look back and be proud of the fact that you took a picture standing like a robot or are you going to remember the times where you did something funny/goofy and made people laugh. Even right now as a 28 year old i look back at my life and i never remember the ordinary stuff i did when i acted in normal proffesional way i remember the out of ordinary goofy stuff and it makes me smle.

 

4) You just told hm you were feeling sick.... why would he ask you how you feeling right away....when you just told him how you were feeling. Ofcours he should ask you a bit later on how you are feeling ... because at this time you might actually have gotten better, worse, or same as opposed to 2 minutes after you told him you were sick.

 

5) Oh please soeone harrased you ...and he didnt freak out looks like you just looking for sympathy to me. If you said i just got raped and he didnt say anything then it would be different story.

 

6) So what if he doesnt wash dishes when you cook i wouldnt either. You know why...i freakin hate washing dishes ...like no seriously i would rather work on anything then wash dishes..Let me cook let me work on the car but please dont ask me to wash dishes. Maybe he is the same way..talk to him about it?

 

7) Once again he loves clubbing drinking and enjoying his life what is wrong with that? Sounds like a fun guy to me.. Oh thats right he is 39 so he is suppose to be going to Work, sit in traffic, go home , watch tv netflix, go grocery shopping on the weekends...

 

8) His EQ isnt very high... no someone who goes to work , goes home, watches tv, looks all serious in pictures probalby has low EQ... Someone who goes drinking and partying few times a week definitely has good EQ. Boring anti social people who cant relate to other people dont go out 2-3 times a week.

 

9) Close to his friends... i have a feeling most of his friends are married at this stage.. so they cant really go out clubbing few times with him. Also you know his friends have to act all serious and act like robots ...god forbid they make a silly face in a picture wife plans on putting on her fb.... their sex life might go from once a month to once a year.

 

10) Oh and you mentioned he builds videos games for a living...once again doing something HE LOVES and as you mentioned he ACTUALLY making good money. OH NOOOOOOOO he is THE WORST

 

Look you might not realize it but you have an amazing guy on your hands. Life is too freakin short to worry about how people see you and how you are suppose to act at 39. Do what you wanna do live your life so when you look back you can say i did it my way. Yes the society tells us that a 39 year old guy should be divorced 1-2 times , have few kids, and spend his weekends grocery shopping, watching netflix and drinking beer at home. If you are looking to get in a serious relationship with a guy like that i feel sorry for you.

 

The way i see it is you have a guy who is never married , never divorced (no emotional baggage), does what he likes to do which is make video games (this makes him happy and will make your life more happy ...i mean do you wanna be around somoene who HATES their job?), he makes good money, goes out and parties ANNND wants to settle down w you and have kids. I say stop freakin stressing about petty stuff like him not doing the dishes and go have some freakin fun and dance with hime few times a week. GEEEZ

[LoveRefreshed]

Firefly... are you my sister? She just moved to MD to live with a guy who programs Videogames and he is, indeed 11 years older than her. Oh gawd, are you from Michigan?

 

Anyway, I will give you the same advice I give her. If you're not happy, you're not stuck. If he doesn't treat you how you want to be treated, express that to him. Express that you wish he would help out with chores after dinner. Express that you want more affection from him, and that you wish he was more thoughtful. The second part is tough because some men, I know I am one of them, do not express their emotions very well. It is tough; I did a study once in college about how boys at the age of 14 actually only know how to express a very small subset of emotions, things like happiness, sadness, and anger, google about this and read so maybe you can find ways to approach it.

 

 

That is all you can do is communicate. It is on him to change. You can't expect him to change, but you told him what you needed. Now, when it doesn't happen, you can explain to him it's not working out and leave. It won't be a shock, you explained to him that you don't want to continue on with these problems. Then you pack up your **** without fear or loss of pride, you keep your head high, and you move back home (or somewhere else) and move on with your life.

[baco]

Does he live by himself ? Does he pays his bills, keeps the house clean, has plans for the future, does he lives above is means ?

 

To me the above are important questions to ask before deciding if someone is imature or not, wearing T-shirts and shorts doesn't mean much, making silly faces for pictures is normal, unless you are talking about specific situations, like id photos

[LoveRefreshed]

, like id photos

 

WAT? Those are the best photos to dick around for.

[smackie9]

He's a man child looking for someone to take care of him like mommy did.....frickin run!

 

You are young, you have plenty of time to find the right guy.

[Carla B]

It really all depends on the type of person you are. If he is 39 and you are 28 are you okay with him acting like that? Its a time and place for it and I dont see anything wrong with partying and being childlike sometimes. Im 28 and I play video games and I make funny faces when I take picture but I also know how to get serious when the time is needed.

[SycamoreCircle]

He has a good job and is smart but I'm thinking his EQ isn't very high?

There's ways to work around that. For example, a graphic equalizer can help boost high and low frequencies. Do you think his system needs replacing or does he just like his levels low?

[Vercetti]

Well sounds like the majority of men I see around. Wearing toddler cloths, no serious relationships, emotionally stunted. Only difference is works in the games industry as opposed to just playing them with ALL free time. Stupid poses everytime take a picture. Reminds me of quite a few man child's encountered...bloody picking the nose of statues when on honeymoon in London, room in mom's house renovated to display star wars toys.

 

Just saying.

[Vercetti]

Oh and goes out drinking few nights a week. Really don't get why anyone would defend this person. Nothing wrong with them, unless wanting a stable relationship with an adult.

[writergal]

Guy I've known for 3 months, semi dating and semi hanging out.

 

He is almost 39. Never married no kids.

 

He wears T shirts and shorts a lot, never wears anything else.

 

He pulls stupid faces for the camera ( sticks tongue out and rolls his eyes)

 

if I say on text I'm not feeling very well, he won't ask me 'how are you feeling?' straight away. He will say it in an hours time even though he saw the message. Makes me feel he isn't very concerned. If I say I just got harassed by some guy on the street he won't text back 'oh no, why was he harassing you?' He will just ignore it.

 

He doesn't wash the dishes when I cook.

 

He goes out drinking and partying a few nights a week.

 

He says he wants to settle down and have kids. He has a good job and is smart but I'm thinking his EQ isn't very high?

 

He isn't really close to his friends, he kind of sticks to himself.

 

I am 11 years younger than him.

 

Ewww. He sounds inconsiderate (doesn't wash the dishes when you cook) and not very relationship focused (goes out partying and drinking several nights a week without you). He also doesn't sound very emotionally mature (he ignores your texts, yet ironically his work is making video games so he's already online a lot).

 

He's not going to find a stable relationship and have kids if he continues to act like he's still in high school or college. Some women like those types of men, because they want to be the responsible one in charge, and like to be with men they can control and boss around.

 

What are the dynamics of your communication? Who calls the shots? You? Him? Or is it equal?

 

If you're not happy with this guy then just dump him. That's the easiest solution.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you have to ask the question then I suspect you already know the answer and just wanted validation.

 

The bottom line is if these points are concerns for you then maybe it's time to move on.

[sandylee1]

Some of the things you mentioned would irritate me TBH. My teenage daughters do this, so I don't expect it off someone hitting 40, at least not on a regular basis. As a one off......maybe.

 

Not washing the dishes isn't necessarily immature. Lazy and inconsiderate...yes.

 

Shorts and T shirts .....if he's wearing them to relax after work that's fine. If he wears them to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. ......then no.

 

Whether it's immature or not, if it bothers you, that's enough to end it. A few questions :

 

Has he ever had a long term relationship?

 

Does he have good social skills?

 

Is he fun to be around?

 

There are some people (male and female ) I know that are single and it soon became clear to me why they are single.......is this guy one of those people?

[MissBee]

Guy I've known for 3 months, semi dating and semi hanging out.

 

He is almost 39. Never married no kids.

 

He wears T shirts and shorts a lot, never wears anything else.

 

He pulls stupid faces for the camera ( sticks tongue out and rolls his eyes)

 

if I say on text I'm not feeling very well, he won't ask me 'how are you feeling?' straight away. He will say it in an hours time even though he saw the message. Makes me feel he isn't very concerned. If I say I just got harassed by some guy on the street he won't text back 'oh no, why was he harassing you?' He will just ignore it.

 

He doesn't wash the dishes when I cook.

 

He goes out drinking and partying a few nights a week.

 

He says he wants to settle down and have kids. He has a good job and is smart but I'm thinking his EQ isn't very high?

 

He isn't really close to his friends, he kind of sticks to himself.

 

I am 11 years younger than him.

 

It doesn't seem you're feeling him much, move on.

 

For me, if in the early part of dating I have all these things I dislike about you, it never magically gets better.

 

You don't seem all that excited about him or him you.

[preraph]

So he goes out alone to party? Where does he go? What does he do. He does sound like one of those guys who never grows up. Now he's getting long in the tooth, he probably figures he better snag a woman.

[xcupid]

He needs to grow up and be more mature. Having said that where do you expect to go with the relationship - if that is what you have? Because it sounds like a FWB arrangement more than a relationship.

[candie13]

sorry, the description you are offering is highly superficial and you cannot judge if a person is mature or immature based on it. How is his emotional involvement? What's his RS with his family? what was his longest RS? When was his last RS and how long did it last? Who broke his heart? When did this happen?

 

Is he trying to get to know you and respond to your emotional needs or is just happy to have you come around, have sex, make some food for him and then leave?

 

I mean... if you cannot have the answers to the questions above, most likely you two are having a highly superficial RS and... yeah, irrelevant of his being immature or not, you will become frustrated. Stop obsessing about him and think about yourself and yourself alone. What do you want? What do you need? IS he there for you when you need support? if the answer to these things is NO, than why on Earth are you wasting your time with him? To what need is he responding? If he is emotionally unavailable, why are you sticking around? that is the really interesting question you should be asking yourself...

[Fleur de cactus]

He seems immature. He is a boy who see his gf as his mother who will take care of him.

 

He does not have empathy and this is the reason he does not respond when you expect him to understand your feelings. Sometimes, it is too much for him. He likes what is good and easy; he likes to be happy only, just like a kid.

 

It is not a good sign neither if he cannot keep friends. Maybe he pushes them away. If he cannot have friends it is more likely that your friends will slowly withdraw and you will find both of you isolated, and I don't think this is what you want.

 

Can he hold a long conversation, a discussion with you in the way it make a sense to you?

 

There is a reason you are here, and you are the one how knows him and you know the right decision to take. Just take it before you heart is broken. Find a mature man.

[firefly1]

Thanks for your replies guys.

 

To elaborate, we met at a friend's party three months ago. After that, we hung out quite a number of times alone, but nothing was said about dating. I was interested in him, but didn't know if he liked me back. He would initiate most of the texts and he would text me everyday and when I invited him over to mine every weekend he would always make it. We would hang out for hours each time. He seemed quite shy to touch me and it took him 3 months of knowing me before he started to touch my back and arms and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

 

Last week he asked me on what I would call an official date, since he asked me for movie and dinner. And instead of dressing in a usual tshirt and shorts, he wore a shirt and looked nice. He paid for the dinner and I got the movie tickets. After the date, he kissed me for the first time, and it was a really intense kiss. He told me that he would miss me a lot when he was away on his business trip.

 

The day after he went off on the business trip and he hasnt been back yet. He keeps in contact with me everyday at night and we talk for an hour or two before bed.

 

The photo with the stupid face wasnt with me, it was a photo I found on facebook with him and his friend and they were both pulling a funny face. In my photos he just grins.

 

Dancing is one of his hobbies, and he takes many types of dance classes, so these 'parties' I mention are alcohol free- dance parties with other dance enthusiasts. I dance too but not as much as him as he is more advanced.

 

He likes to drink red wine with his colleagues and his friends from time to time.

 

I think that the thing that bugs me is maybe his lack of empathy perhaps. i can have much better connection with my other guy friends. My guy friends seem so much more caring than he does (but I'm not attracted to them).

 

There was one time when I said I was feeling unwell and went to stand outside in the cooler air, he never followed me out even though any of my guy friends would. He said he would stay inside.

 

I dont know his past relationship status since we havent got to that stage yet. We only kissed once and started holding hands once. I havent seen him since then.

 

As for life plans, I know he wants children and wants to buy a house and get married. I am not in as much of a rush as I am only 28 and I can take the next couple of years to really find the one. But I would also like to marry if I find the right guy. He is very well educated, and I guess makes a decent salary. His company pays for his rental. He has lived alone for the last 14 years or so he tells me. His work involves a lot of computer work since he is a software engineer.

 

Should I just go with the flow and date him for one month? I have absolutely no experience with dating but I have many guys who are interested in me. Do you think it is still too early to pass judgement on this guy? Should i see if he has the capability to look after me and care about me when he comes back and we start being a couple?

Edited July 4, 2015 by firefly1

[losangelena]

Well, the way you describe him in this post is quite different than the first one. He doesn't sound immature at all, just maybe slow on the uptake. I wouldn't judge him on some supposed lack of empathy just yet, you hardly know him.

 

Keep seeing him and see where it goes. You're admittedly younger than him, so you have some time to investigate. Don't get hung up on details just yet.