How do you stop an addiction to love?

[Noenfilade]

Hello all,

 

I'm a 33 year old man. Love kids, animals, have a great job, volunteer, lots of interests. I suppose I'm good looking too.

 

I spent most of my 20s with one girl and it was an amazing. I learned that I love being in a committed relationship, having someone to talk to everyday, to make mix cds for, celebrate valentine's day, go on mini vacations. I loved it.

 

But we were so young. And it ended because we grew so far apart.

 

Since then I was in one other relationship that was immensely abusive. Having a very rough childhood that I've been getting help for for several years, that relationship put me so far back in progress.

 

So now I'm dating, trying to find that girl to be excited about and it just doesn't work. If I find a woman I like I get far too excited and scare her off.

 

I know it's a self esteem issue which is a major propent of my work with my therapist. But I've been trying to fix it since I was a teenager with no luck.

 

So I ask you all, do you know of any resources on how to just let go of the sheer desire for love and a family of your own, and just be happy alone?

 

Again, I'm very much the kind of person that needs that connection. I wonder if there is a way to condition that out if my mental state.

 

I've asked my therapist who came up empty handed and tried Google as well.

[Redhead14]

Hello all,

 

I'm a 33 year old man. Love kids, animals, have a great job, volunteer, lots of interests. I suppose I'm good looking too.

 

I spent most of my 20s with one girl and it was an amazing. I learned that I love being in a committed relationship, having someone to talk to everyday, to make mix cds for, celebrate valentine's day, go on mini vacations. I loved it.

 

But we were so young. And it ended because we grew so far apart.

 

Since then I was in one other relationship that was immensely abusive. Having a very rough childhood that I've been getting help for for several years, that relationship put me so far back in progress.

 

So now I'm dating, trying to find that girl to be excited about and it just doesn't work. If I find a woman I like I get far too excited and scare her off.

 

I know it's a self esteem issue which is a major propent of my work with my therapist. But I've been trying to fix it since I was a teenager with no luck.

 

So I ask you all, do you know of any resources on how to just let go of the sheer desire for love and a family of your own, and just be happy alone?

 

Again, I'm very much the kind of person that needs that connection. I wonder if there is a way to condition that out if my mental state.

 

I've asked my therapist who came up empty handed and tried Google as well.

 

The best resource for any "addiction" comes from deep reflection into oneself and facing/accepting the past. If you come from a broken/dysfunctional home and/or abusive environment, your primary needs as a child were not being met. Therefore, you spend your adult life focused on fulfilling those needs in any way possible.

 

On top of that, of course, your self-esteem rests on having outside sources of validation.

 

It is important for you now to focus on your life as it is now and get clear in your head about what your needs are as an adult and put yourself in a position of providing those needs for yourself. Get centered and focused on the aspects of your life that are satisfying to you now. I'd also suggest getting involved in community organizations and giving your time and gaining satisfaction from those types of things. Receiving appreciation and recognition for your efforts will bolster your self-esteem at least. And, while I wouldn't suggest you actively seek or think about finding someone for yourself in these activities, it may simply happen because you are bonding with people on another level and not really expecting it to happen. That's the way it does happen often -- when you least expect it

 

I am struggling with the fact that your therapist does not have the resources or know how to direct you. I'm leaning toward finding yourself a therapist who specializes in childhood abuse. This is the root of the issue for you. Loving oneself is very difficult if the person did not receive the care or support of the people they trusted from the very beginning.

[Noenfilade]

Thank you for that very well thought out and poingnant response. It's very much appreciated.

 

I used to volunteer at the spca and I was a big brother as well. I used to love doing those things. While I might not revisit those specifically, finding some other community where i can help out is a very good step.

 

I think I'm just really really terrified of revisiting my past and probably why I don't deal with my past with my therapist. We usually work on pretty surface level issues and talk about dating a lot since finding someone is very important to me.

 

But one of the major reasons why I feel I need finger out of the dating game is because I suspect my need for a connection doesn't come from a healthy place. And dating women in their 30s, they'll want someone stable which I'm really not. So I'd rather not waste their time. But truth is, by the time I'm ready to date I could be well in to my 40s. Too late for a family at the very least.

 

I think I'd much rather just be able to let that all go. Focus on my career, volunteering, retire early and buy a beach house in Costa Rica.

 

They want for a family and love, and then coming out empty handed terrifies me.

[cessna]

Once you've been without love for a while you'll come to realise how overrated relationships really are. I'm perfectly happy on my own now and you will be one day too.

 

There is so much more to life than finding love.

[Redhead14]

The best resource for any "addiction" comes from deep reflection into oneself and facing/accepting the past. If you come from a broken/dysfunctional home and/or abusive environment, your primary needs as a child were not being met. Therefore, you spend your adult life focused on fulfilling those needs in any way possible.

 

On top of that, of course, your self-esteem rests on having outside sources of validation.

 

It is important for you now to focus on your life as it is now and get clear in your head about what your needs are as an adult and put yourself in a position of providing those needs for yourself. Get centered and focused on the aspects of your life that are satisfying to you now. I'd also suggest getting involved in community organizations and giving your time and gaining satisfaction from those types of things. Receiving appreciation and recognition for your efforts will bolster your self-esteem at least. And, while I wouldn't suggest you actively seek or think about finding someone for yourself in these activities, it may simply happen because you are bonding with people on another level and not really expecting it to happen. That's the way it does happen often -- when you least expect it

 

I am struggling with the fact that your therapist does not have the resources or know how to direct you. I'm leaning toward finding yourself a therapist who specializes in childhood abuse. This is the root of the issue for you. Loving oneself is very difficult if the person did not receive the care or support of the people they trusted from the very beginning.

 

I also want you to try to not think of the your need for love as an addiction. The word addiction puts a negative spin on this. Love is a basic/fundamental emotional and mental need in humans. An addiction is the intense need for something that is bad for you and ultimately debilitating.

 

It is OK for you to want and need love. I want you to reflect on this: Oftentimes people who allow themselves to "fall" quickly are not addicted to love. In fact, they actually feel they don't deserve it and so sometimes they will just "fall" for anyone even if they aren't a good match. They'll stick with or keep pushing with someone who is actually bad for them because that's what they think they deserve. Not only that, their self-esteem is fueled by even the least bit of attention, even negative attention.

 

All that being said. Step back and make a list of those qualities you desire in a mate/relationship first. When you do date, keep those qualities in the back of your head. Ask a a woman out for a date. On date one, you have fun, and observe her without any expectations or idealized visions of a future with her. Be in the moment while evaluating whether she is showing you any of the qualities you want in a woman. If you can, at some point segue into a casual conversation to make sure the two of you are on the same page in terms of what you each are looking for out of your dating journeys. If you are looking for a relationship and she just wants casual, you're not a good match anyway and so you move on. Thus, you're "cutting off" your tendency to fall quickly from the get go.

 

For now, though, you probably should just date casually without any expectations for a relationship. Remember the boundaries of a casual relationship and spread the dates out so as not to "bond" quickly with them. Do this for a little while to kinda wean yourself away from the tendency to get invested quickly. This is a process not an event

 

Even if you meet someone who seems to be good relationship material for you, don't start making dates back to back or bring them home very soon. Date for a month, 1 date a week with a little communication in between. I suspect if you find one you like and she likes you, you probably start planning and making a number of dates each week. Spread them out. Make your interest in the woman clear but not over the top.

 

This is a process not an event

[TunaInTheBrine]

I'm a guy who shares a very similar background and story to you. I have to say that the longing for love still has not gone away for me.

 

I'm 31 years old now. I'm attractive, have a successful career, am healthy, extremely talented/creative, and have dated tons of women. I am confident, funny, good conversationalist, etc... basically, I have a lot to offer.

 

I have no problem getting dates, but am awful at finding a relationship. Maybe once every year or two, I start to see a woman who I think could be something, and I get too excited too early and scare her off. It sucks.

 

People will tell you to face your past/accept it, etc... and there is some truth to the idea of befriending your issues more so they have less control of you. However, I don't think it is possible for people like us to ever NOT feel conflicted over closeness/distance issues.

 

What I hope for is that in getting older, more and more women will mature, know what they want, not be as influenced by cultural dating trends, etc... and a relationship will be all the more easier. I think it's possible one day, but it's tougher right now.

 

I also find it helpful to appreciate the moments that happen now and then when I realize that I don't really need anyone, and that to simply wake up and be alive is something I am in love with. But then I see a cutie and forget it, I'm on the make again

[Noenfilade]

Well redhead, I have to say, you've gone above and beyond what I expected as a response here and i thank you for that, sincerely.

 

I have a bit of a saviour complex that gets me in to trouble. I end up with women I should not be with, with the intention of helping them. It's been a bad experience all around.

 

You're totally right. The last girl I dated didn't want children. Didn't want children and didn't want anything serious. And I convinced myself that was fine and got waaaaay in to her. In hindsight it was ridiculous.

 

I like your idea of dating casually and spacing it apart. I just feel guilty sort of using women to get myself I'm a state to date seriously again. I wouldn't want a girl to use me as a stepping stone.

[Noenfilade]

HI Tuna,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes I hold the same hope. As i got older I changed as well. I realized at this age, everyone has baggage. I used to tell myself "no one with baggae" but realized how unfair that was. I'd much rather be with someone with baggae that is aware of it and actively working to fix it than someone who just hasn't discovered what is ailing them or refuses to acknowledge it.

 

So there is hope for the disinfranchized like us. On my end , I just don't think I'd be a very good partner. I can get pretty sad at times and emotionally selfish. If in get called out on it I can usually get out of it though.

[Redhead14]

Well redhead, I have to say, you've gone above and beyond what I expected as a response here and i thank you for that, sincerely.

 

I have a bit of a saviour complex that gets me in to trouble. I end up with women I should not be with, with the intention of helping them. It's been a bad experience all around.

 

You're totally right. The last girl I dated didn't want children. Didn't want children and didn't want anything serious. And I convinced myself that was fine and got waaaaay in to her. In hindsight it was ridiculous.

 

I like your idea of dating casually and spacing it apart. I just feel guilty sort of using women to get myself I'm a state to date seriously again. I wouldn't want a girl to use me as a stepping stone.

 

You are not using women if you've been clear about your intentions. If you date a woman who is on the same page, you're all good. Furthermore, if you dating a woman and your intentions are clear and she wants a relationship but decides to try to negate your intentions and accuses you of "stringing" her along, that's on her. She strung herself along.

[Noenfilade]

That's a very good point. I tend to be very honest upfront so that shouldn't be a problem.

[Redhead14]

You are not using women if you've been clear about your intentions. If you date a woman who is on the same page, you're all good. Furthermore, if you dating a woman and your intentions are clear and she wants a relationship but decides to try to negate your intentions and accuses you of "stringing" her along, that's on her. She strung herself along.

 

Being secure in yourself is also about loving yourself. Having clear life/relationship goals for yourself keeps you centered and focused on yourself. That is when you can bring your best self forward and be a good partner to someone else.

 

If you search for a relationship while focused on goals, you will attract a partner and do it objectively. You will date women who demonstrate the desire and ability to meet your needs. As soon as you realize that they don't want to or can't do that, you move on.

 

If you are dating for a relationship, you need to realize too, that since your family "model" was likely dysfunctional, your skills at the moment for recognizing good relationship potential and skills for maintaining a relationship may be a little weak. So, getting focused on your own life and building and focusing on social skills and other types of relationships will be important.

[Gary S]

Food for thought:

 

- It's better to be single than to be in a poor relationship or marriage.

 

- You come into the world alone and you go out alone.

[Noenfilade]

So other than then tips you gave me, is there any other ways I should known to let go of the need for a relationship so i can just focus on myself?

[Redhead14]

So other than then tips you gave me, is there any other ways I should known to let go of the need for a relationship so i can just focus on myself?

 

Do you like to and have the ability to travel? Go some places by yourself you've wanted to go. This is often a very refreshing and liberating experience. Even locally. Doing lots of nice things for yourself. Treat yourself well.

 

It's a process of exploration. Try lots of new things. Be open-minded. Think outside of the box (your house, apt, work). At the moment you are focused on something other than yourself -- your posting here about yourself, but . . . isn't there something more fun you could be doing? If not, go find something and right now . . .