Boyfriend doesn't seem to accept any criticism

[orangetree]

Hi,

 

Most of the time it goes pretty well with me and my boyfriend, but sometimes I do wonder if he only wants me if I'm all honey and sunshine if you know what I mean. Example, today/yesterday.. everything was great, I'm not with him at the moment but in another city for work. We talked on the phone and I told him I'm finishing a big project. Later in the evening we whatsapped a bit, and I told him that I just finished my big project, a thing I've been working on for a month, so I was pretty happy and proud. He didn't answer directly, which was okay, because he told me earlier he's probably going to take a nap. So I just texted him I love you and went to bed (in total there were like 10 WhatsApp messages of me waiting for him, like 7 explaining how I finished the project and that I'm so happy about it, 1 telling him to send me a picture of his dinner (he went to a new special place) and 2 saying how I love him.

 

Well, fast forward to this morning, I got three messages back:

"Oops I fell asleep"

"Kiss" (no I love you)

"Gonna send you the pic later"

 

He didn't say anything to my project, not even one word. He also didn't send me the picture of his dinner, which wasn't important though. Now we just WhatsApp and I told him, half joking, that it would have been nice if he said something to the fact that I just finished the big project, even if it's just a 'Congratulations'.

 

He instantly got angry and wrote "Incredible that you start with this again! If I don't say anything to it it's so terrible for you"

 

I'm like... ehh what? Why does he have to react like this? Why can't he just say 'I forgot, yes, congratulations' or something like that. It's like if he doesn't even care that I finished a big important project, and worse, that he just hates it when I tell him one little thing that bothered me a bit. If roles were reversed and I had forgotten to say something about his work or whatever, I would have never reacted like that, I just would have said 'Sorry I forgot, yes that's great, you have to tell me about it later' or so. I feel like sometimes he only likes me when I don't complain, at all. When I do, he turns it around and suddenly I'm the terrible person.

 

Oh, and in case you wonder why he said '"Incredible that you start with this AGAIN"- Three months ago (yes, 3) I was out of town and texted him 'I love you' good night. He just texted back 'Good night'. No big deal, happens. But then he 'forgot' it another two times so I told him that I would have liked an 'I love you back', even though it's just about WhatsApp. He instantly got angry, same reaction as the one mentioned before. I know that when we're together he says I love you most times and that he' a good boyfriend (at least when we don't fight, then he's sweet and everything), but I feel like I cannot complain about anything small with him getting mad instantly.

 

Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do?

 

 

Thanks.

[Aspie1987]

To me, sounds like he's got major anger problems. If you don't mind me asking you a personal question, has he ever gotten physically aggressive with you, or just verbally abusive?

 

 

I'd recommend taking a bit of time to yourself, let him see if some time apart will be enough to get him to change his attitude.

[orangetree]

To me, sounds like he's got major anger problems. If you don't mind me asking you a personal question, has he ever gotten physically aggressive with you, or just verbally abusive?

 

 

I'd recommend taking a bit of time to yourself, let him see if some time apart will be enough to get him to change his attitude.

 

 

No, he has never gotten physically aggressive and I don't think he ever would. He has also never said bad words to me or so. But I do feel like he has anger problems in the sense that I'm not allowed to criticise him ever (at least it looks that way to me) and that IMO he overreacts when I do. Sometimes he shuts me out then and doesn't talk to me for a while, sometimes even a few days. Or the times I cried he ignored me and just went to sleep.

I wonder what's so hard about a 'Sorry I forgot, congrats for the project' instead of a 'Incredible that you're starting with this again, it must be so terrible for you if I don't say anything'

[Aspie1987]

No, he has never gotten physically aggressive and I don't think he ever would.

For your sake let's hope you're right.

 

But I do feel like he has anger problems in the sense that I'm not allowed to criticise him ever (at least it looks that way to me) and that IMO he overreacts when I do.

Let him know that it bothers you when he overreacts. Let him know that if he keeps up the temper tantrums, you won't be afraid to go for the door.

 

Or the times I cried he ignored me and just went to sleep.

That's not a very promising sign. If he's ignoring your tears (especially the ones he's the cause of), he may well be a lost cause.

 

I wonder what's so hard about a 'Sorry I forgot, congrats for the project' instead of a 'Incredible that you're starting with this again, it must be so terrible for you if I don't say anything'

By all rights there shouldn't be anything hard at all about an apology. Though in this case, there never should've been anything to apologize for to begin with (he should've put in the effort to say "well done" the first time).

[elaine567]

He said nothing about your project because it irked him, it annoyed him that you vied for the centre of attention here.

Some men can be like this, his job is the important one, he needs praise when it goes well, he is the successful one, he is da man - your job is, well, just your job.

Instead of being proud of your success, he resents it. He cannot take out his anger on you as that would be ridiculous, so he ignores the news instead.

BUT

When you then complained about his lack of interest he then had the perfect excuse to blow up, he can then release his frustration.

He is actually angry that you had a really good day at work, and is now angry that his petty ignoring of your success has been registered by you too.

[darkmoon]

you expect your boyf to capitulate to you obediently, nobody will obey a dominant person on demand, i get like that myself sometimes, standing against dominant types, still, you might as well dump him if he pisses you off

Edited June 30, 2015 by darkmoon

[kendahke]

Hi,

 

Most of the time it goes pretty well with me and my boyfriend, but sometimes I do wonder if he only wants me if I'm all honey and sunshine if you know what I mean. Example, today/yesterday.. everything was great, I'm not with him at the moment but in another city for work. We talked on the phone and I told him I'm finishing a big project. Later in the evening we whatsapped a bit, and I told him that I just finished my big project, a thing I've been working on for a month, so I was pretty happy and proud. He didn't answer directly, which was okay, because he told me earlier he's probably going to take a nap. So I just texted him I love you and went to bed (in total there were like 10 WhatsApp messages of me waiting for him, like 7 explaining how I finished the project and that I'm so happy about it, 1 telling him to send me a picture of his dinner (he went to a new special place) and 2 saying how I love him.

 

Well, fast forward to this morning, I got three messages back:

"Oops I fell asleep"

"Kiss" (no I love you)

"Gonna send you the pic later"

 

He didn't say anything to my project, not even one word. He also didn't send me the picture of his dinner, which wasn't important though. Now we just WhatsApp and I told him, half joking, that it would have been nice if he said something to the fact that I just finished the big project, even if it's just a 'Congratulations'.

 

He instantly got angry and wrote "Incredible that you start with this again! If I don't say anything to it it's so terrible for you"

 

I'm like... ehh what? Why does he have to react like this? Why can't he just say 'I forgot, yes, congratulations' or something like that.

 

because, as he said to you:you start with this again![/I]

 

"Again" means that this is a recurring behavior with you. Do you always light him up if he doesn't respond to you the way in which you deem acceptable? First off, you weren't "half joking". You were pissed that he didn't respond to you exactly the way you wanted him to respond to you. If you weren't pissed about it, this thread wouldn't be here. So own that truth. You employ a passive/aggressive tactic and it blows up on you. Stop being passive aggressive. You told him about the project, he knows--perhaps he was going to make a bigger deal out of it when you got home and he could celebrate it with you. Now your antics cut him off at the knees.

 

 

It's like if he doesn't even care that I finished a big important project, and worse, that he just hates it when I tell him one little thing that bothered me a bit. If roles were reversed and I had forgotten to say something about his work or whatever, I would have never reacted like that, I just would have said 'Sorry I forgot, yes that's great, you have to tell me about it later' or so. I feel like sometimes he only likes me when I don't complain, at all. When I do, he turns it around and suddenly I'm the terrible person.

 

Do yourself a huge favor. Don't compare how you would do something with how someone else would do it. He's not you and isn't going to be you in this lifetime. This is how he is and you know this about him. Either accept him and be happy and content with who you have or reject him and bounce.

 

Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do? Thanks.

 

Yes. You're over-reacting. It's not about taking criticism. It's about being on the receiving end of your passive aggressive tactics. He tells you he loves you in person--why is that not enough for you? If he's failing so miserably as your post alludes, then break up with him and find someone who douses you in behaviors that you expect.

[kendahke]

No, he has never gotten physically aggressive and I don't think he ever would. He has also never said bad words to me or so. But I do feel like he has anger problems in the sense that I'm not allowed to criticise him ever (at least it looks that way to me) and that IMO he overreacts when I do. Sometimes he shuts me out then and doesn't talk to me for a while, sometimes even a few days. Or the times I cried he ignored me and just went to sleep.

I wonder what's so hard about a 'Sorry I forgot, congrats for the project' instead of a 'Incredible that you're starting with this again, it must be so terrible for you if I don't say anything'

 

This is all about a whatsapp message?

[Yookie]

...I was out of town and texted him 'I love you' good night. He just texted back 'Good night'. No big deal, happens. But then he 'forgot' it another two times so I told him that I would have liked an 'I love you back', even though it's just about WhatsApp. He instantly got angry, same reaction as the one mentioned before. I know that when we're together he says I love you most times and that he' a good boyfriend (at least when we don't fight, then he's sweet and everything), but I feel like I cannot complain about anything small with him getting mad instantly.

 

Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do?

 

 

Thanks.

I think you are overreacting and furthermore you don't seem to be able to see this from his point of view. If you want to say "I love you" to him, it should be said unconditionally. You can't expect and demand that he say it back every time and get mad if he doesn't. No grown man wants a woman telling him what to say and when to say it. It's very controlling and nagging behavior on your part. Let him express his love on his own when HE feels like it and let him express his love in HIS own way... sometimes it might not be verbal.

 

About your job project, you went overboard on the details with all those texts. He probably didn't comment about it because he doesn't want to encourage you to keep doing that. I'm sure he cares about your accomplishment but he is not part of your team on this project so don't be surprised if he's not as excited as you are about it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you are overreacting because I believe there is more to the dynamic here than just what you are saying here.

 

And I think it's a lot in the way that you handle these things and the way you "correct" his behavior, as if you are trying to coach him passive aggressively...this can be very annoying behavior for men.

 

It's the way you go into a situation with certain "expectations" and when those expectations are not met, you enter "motherly" role and kind of essentially scold him for not doing what you wanted him to do, or react in the way that was natural to him.

 

Your behavior is going to cause more withdraw than it will effect your relationship in a positive way, because he is anticipating your behavior it seems at this point...him not saying congratulations might have just been a feeling he had himself like "I know she wants me to congratulate her for this, and if I don't do it...even if I don't feel like it, I know she's going to say something about it"

 

So that brings up the point, why do you choose to communicate with him like this? why do you choose a behavior that you knowingly are aware of that agitation it will cause? because it seems a lot like you might be one of those women that just tries to get her way, indirectly, passive aggressively and ultimately very very annoying.

 

I'm not saying he's the greatest moral support or thoughtful, I mean most guys aren't and that's a learned skill than a normal guy reaction...men aren't going to congratulate each other for things that they have to do, and a lot of women want acknowledgement and praise at every turn, this can get very draining on a guy, especially if he's not one to over-congratulate or make a big deal out of everything unless it's exceptional...something really big an out of the ordinary.

 

Women have a reputation for always taking the path of least resistance with men, and trying to either get information or communicate in ways guys just don't understand or want to be told what to do in that way...using that method.

 

Just be really direct and instead of accuse him of something, or tell him he's not doing something right or what he should do...tell him that it hurts your feelings a little bit when you don't acknowledge your accomplishments or something that you put a lot of work and effort into, and that you'd like to ask him if he can improve on that for you.

 

Stop beating around the bush...stop dropping "hints"...stop jabbing at him and sending him a little helpful "note" on what you want him to do...most guys aren't going to want to be treated that way, especially if he's not one to be flexible on his ideas or point of view.

 

At the end of the day relationships are about communication, mutual respect and understanding one another...which equates to "compatibility" and guess what...not all people are compatible, sometimes somebody just rubs you the wrong way and knows how to push your buttons, sadly those are typically the relationships people stay in longest.

 

Ultimately you're not trying to make or teach anybody anything they aren't willing to do, so it isn't your right and obligation or duty to "coach" him or fine-tine him into the "perfect man"...contrary to popular female belief. The person has to be WILLING on their own, by choice..to accommodate your needs and you have to reciprocate with fulfilling theirs...it's a give and take situation, but that doesn't mean you FORCE your own beliefs, values or whatever the hell expectations you have into "molding" that person...it's disrespectful, it's demeaning, and most importantly it will never work.

 

It's not about "right or wrong"...don't be another woman running around trying to be justified in your behavior and thinking, like that's going to make any damn difference (well maybe to you emotionally, but not going to help you much otherwise)...it's shockingly, about being on the same page. And without proper and more direct communication, you're going to cause a lot more problems for yourself and create all kinds of unnecessary drama, when you could simply talk to the person at a separate time voice your concerns in person, instead of texting and sending stupid little text message's that are going to piss him off and make you feel like you're getting one step closer to what you want when you're really just adding fuel to a bomb that's going to blow up in your face and you're going to be all shocked and act like you had no idea where his anger came from.

 

He may not be a calm, patient or understanding/supportive kind of guy...but you can't just turn him into one by telling him what to do either...you're going to have to take or leave some things about him, that's just what being with another human-being is like, and other things...through communication, you can plant the seed for change in the future, if he is able and if he is willing.

 

Some people can't change, some people just aren't that...in the end. But I doubt you, and many other women would ever accept that kind of answer, so I expect many more petty arguments and posts about this or something else in the future.

[Redhead14]

Hi,

 

Most of the time it goes pretty well with me and my boyfriend, but sometimes I do wonder if he only wants me if I'm all honey and sunshine if you know what I mean. Example, today/yesterday.. everything was great, I'm not with him at the moment but in another city for work. We talked on the phone and I told him I'm finishing a big project. Later in the evening we whatsapped a bit, and I told him that I just finished my big project, a thing I've been working on for a month, so I was pretty happy and proud. He didn't answer directly, which was okay, because he told me earlier he's probably going to take a nap. So I just texted him I love you and went to bed (in total there were like 10 WhatsApp messages of me waiting for him, like 7 explaining how I finished the project and that I'm so happy about it, 1 telling him to send me a picture of his dinner (he went to a new special place) and 2 saying how I love him.

 

Well, fast forward to this morning, I got three messages back:

"Oops I fell asleep"

"Kiss" (no I love you)

"Gonna send you the pic later"

 

He didn't say anything to my project, not even one word. He also didn't send me the picture of his dinner, which wasn't important though. Now we just WhatsApp and I told him, half joking, that it would have been nice if he said something to the fact that I just finished the big project, even if it's just a 'Congratulations'.

 

He instantly got angry and wrote "Incredible that you start with this again! If I don't say anything to it it's so terrible for you"

 

I'm like... ehh what? Why does he have to react like this? Why can't he just say 'I forgot, yes, congratulations' or something like that. It's like if he doesn't even care that I finished a big important project, and worse, that he just hates it when I tell him one little thing that bothered me a bit. If roles were reversed and I had forgotten to say something about his work or whatever, I would have never reacted like that, I just would have said 'Sorry I forgot, yes that's great, you have to tell me about it later' or so. I feel like sometimes he only likes me when I don't complain, at all. When I do, he turns it around and suddenly I'm the terrible person.

 

Oh, and in case you wonder why he said '"Incredible that you start with this AGAIN"- Three months ago (yes, 3) I was out of town and texted him 'I love you' good night. He just texted back 'Good night'. No big deal, happens. But then he 'forgot' it another two times so I told him that I would have liked an 'I love you back', even though it's just about WhatsApp. He instantly got angry, same reaction as the one mentioned before. I know that when we're together he says I love you most times and that he' a good boyfriend (at least when we don't fight, then he's sweet and everything), but I feel like I cannot complain about anything small with him getting mad instantly.

 

Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do?

 

 

Thanks.

 

Yep, you're overreacting. Why do you need validation from anyone at all really? Sure, it's nice to get a little recognition, but getting upset about it isn't worth the energy. Your validations comes from within and enjoying the satisfaction of a job well done.

 

You also stated your concern that you may be being used for sex. It's time to focus on your needs and wants in a relationship. What do you need for yourself and start weighing whether or not this man is bringing enough to the table for you to have a quality relationship for yourself.

 

Do you live together? If not, I'd step back a little. You seem to do alot contact initiation. I'd let him start doing all of the initiating for a while. You be receptive and responsive, but don't initiate contact or getting together for say a couple of weeks or so and observe his behavior. Don't pull away, just observe. If he's not stepping up to the plate and letting time pass without reaching out to you in some way at least, I'd start wondering a little. If he doesn't reach out to you say after a week or so and then all of a sudden wants to get together and have sex, you'll know it's just about the sex. If he keeps up with consistent contact and wanting to see you, you'll have a better idea at least of whats going on.

 

If you live together, it's a little bit harder to gauge. But, I won't go into that unless you do.

 

All that being said, he only likes me when I don't complain -- are you simply stating a need that you have or are you actually Complaining. There is a difference. Think about your role in this situation and how you approach expressing your needs.

 

If you're in the habit of saying things like "why don't you" or "you never do . . . ", that's going to come across as critical and demeaning. Try saying more things in a positive way "I love it when you .. .", "It makes me happy when you . . .. . " and see if that gets a better response from him. If he doesn't say I love you sometimes, don't prod him for it. It should mean so much more when he does it on his own and if he does it often, appreciate it.

 

You need to focus on yourself a little more right now. If this man isn't meeting your needs when you've communicated them in a respectful, non-critical way, it may be time to move on.

[BlueIris]

No, you’re not overreacting. He should have congratulated you and talked about your project. His reaction to your mentioning it was childish, a tantrum.

 

… Now we just WhatsApp and I told him, half joking, that it would have been nice if he said something to the fact that I just finished the big project, even if it's just a 'Congratulations'.

 

He instantly got angry and wrote "Incredible that you start with this again! If I don't say anything to it it's so terrible for you"…

 

You were not passive aggressive. You were direct and said what had upset you- his ignoring a major accomplishment in your life.

 

Saying, “start with this again” and "so terrible" doesn’t mean that you’ve been out of line or harping. Defensive people who argue rather than listen, care and think about their own behavior do universalize, generalize and overstate rather than deal with the one topic at hand. It’s a classic escalation technique to shut down someone.

 

A jealous, resentful and competitive person makes for a rotten mate. My exH was the same way and unfortunately, he’s been the same way with his children. Some people do not find joy in others' successes, and it doesn’t change over time. If you want a true partner for life and a relationship of mutual support and success, this guy is not it.

[Keenly]

You texted.him.with the sole intention of having him sing you praise and having him give you verbal affirmation

 

 

He was not in the mood for verbal affirmation so you told him he was wrong for not acting the way you wanted him to, but this is just the way he is.

 

You can't say I love you and demand reciprocation, and you can't list accomplishments with the expectation of praise.

 

When you expect or demand something it becomes meaningless. Completely artificial. Soon he will be saying things he doesn't even believe to keep you from starting a fight.

Edited June 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up phone-speak

[thecharade]

Holy cow! I am assuming that you are interested and supportive of his activities and accomplishments, so you are NOT overreacting to his 9 words of rather ho-hum response to your many messages on a good day. You have every right to want to share joy.

 

I just ended a relationship that turned verbally abusive, and this was my first red flag: lack of caring or acknowledging my successes. The second red flag: there was never a good time to point anything out to him. He was always defensive. (I, on the other hand, had no problem apologizing.) Soon after, I started noticing my ramped down expectations and dissatisfaction at never having my needs met (or even validated). And then finally, the little digs started. Last week: a full on rage where he finally called me names and insulted me. He apologized, but there is no apology for being the kind of person that doesn't value me (or any woman). When someone shows you who they are, believe him.

 

I want to be wrong, hope he's a great guy, but your post hit too close to my own six-month adventure.

 

My vote: step back from this guy. There's more you won't like.

 

Good luck.

[Els]

I think both of you are overreacting.

 

You are expecting to hear exactly what you want from him within the exact time frame that you want it, and IMO this is rather rigid and excessive, especially considering that we're talking about texting. If he's in another city for work, chances are he might be busy or preoccupied or thinking about his, you know, work in the morning instead of something you messaged him about last night.

 

His response to you was also over the top IMO - I would have been annoyed as well in his position, but I don't think he communicated his annoyance in the best manner.

[Gaeta]

Each time you tell him how he should have behaved he hears:

 

You are not good enough.

 

That's why he reacts the way he does.

 

Let him be, he is the way he is. He shows his love and interest to you in other ways. Learn to appreciate his love languages and let go of those little irritants. If you want to date someone that would act just like you than you can date yourself right!

 

My best friend is like that. She won't ask me in details what's going in my life and she won't remember I got a big thing going on but on the other hand if I tell her I am down because of XYZ she'll right away invite me over, cook me my favorite, and give me all of her attention, that's her love language. If I'd keep telling her 'you don't ask me questions about my life' she'd get frustrated and tired of it as well.

 

You know, not everything needs to be put through your boyfriend. Example if your mom is your biggest fan concerning your work achievement than go brag to her. When I lose 1-lb I tell my daughter cause she'll cheer me up like no one else, the man in my life don't care I went up or down 1 lb.

[elaine567]

I just ended a relationship that turned verbally abusive, and this was my first red flag: lack of caring or acknowledging my successes. The second red flag: there was never a good time to point anything out to him. He was always defensive. (I, on the other hand, had no problem apologizing.) Soon after, I started noticing my ramped down expectations and dissatisfaction at never having my needs met (or even validated). And then finally, the little digs started. Last week: a full on rage where he finally called me names and insulted me. He apologized, but there is no apology for being the kind of person that doesn't value me (or any woman). When someone shows you who they are, believe him.

 

Been there, got the t-shirt.

 

When I was happy, when I got my act together and when things were really going well my end and I had some success in my life - chances are he would be upset over something, he would be sulking, he would ignore me or he would start a fight.

The result being my mood tumbled, as I dealt with this unexpected "catastrophe" in my relationship.

 

When things were not going well my end, he would not empathise, he would minimise and he himself would be as happy as larry, whilst I dealt alone with my issue.

 

Eventually - it took me a while - I realised what he was up to.

He was determined to bring me down if I was happy, and he was actually happy when I was unhappy. Mad.

[katiegrl]

I think you are overreacting and furthermore you don't seem to be able to see this from his point of view. If you want to say "I love you" to him, it should be said unconditionally. You can't expect and demand that he say it back every time and get mad if he doesn't.

 

 

 

***No grown man wants a woman telling him what to say and when to say it. It's very controlling and nagging behavior on your part. Let him express his love on his own when HE feels like it and let him express his love in HIS own way... sometimes it might not be verbal. ****

 

 

About your job project, you went overboard on the details with all those texts. He probably didn't comment about it because he doesn't want to encourage you to keep doing that. I'm sure he cares about your accomplishment but he is not part of your team on this project so don't be surprised if he's not as excited as you are about it.

 

^^^This......and what kendhake posted too!

 

They are both right on!

Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[lemoncello]

Hi,

 

Most of the time it goes pretty well with me and my boyfriend, but sometimes I do wonder if he only wants me if I'm all honey and sunshine if you know what I mean. Example, today/yesterday.. everything was great, I'm not with him at the moment but in another city for work. We talked on the phone and I told him I'm finishing a big project. Later in the evening we whatsapped a bit, and I told him that I just finished my big project, a thing I've been working on for a month, so I was pretty happy and proud. He didn't answer directly, which was okay, because he told me earlier he's probably going to take a nap. So I just texted him I love you and went to bed (in total there were like 10 WhatsApp messages of me waiting for him, like 7 explaining how I finished the project and that I'm so happy about it, 1 telling him to send me a picture of his dinner (he went to a new special place) and 2 saying how I love him.

 

Well, fast forward to this morning, I got three messages back:

"Oops I fell asleep"

"Kiss" (no I love you)

"Gonna send you the pic later"

 

He didn't say anything to my project, not even one word. He also didn't send me the picture of his dinner, which wasn't important though. Now we just WhatsApp and I told him, half joking, that it would have been nice if he said something to the fact that I just finished the big project, even if it's just a 'Congratulations'.

 

He instantly got angry and wrote "Incredible that you start with this again! If I don't say anything to it it's so terrible for you"

 

I'm like... ehh what? Why does he have to react like this? Why can't he just say 'I forgot, yes, congratulations' or something like that. It's like if he doesn't even care that I finished a big important project, and worse, that he just hates it when I tell him one little thing that bothered me a bit. If roles were reversed and I had forgotten to say something about his work or whatever, I would have never reacted like that, I just would have said 'Sorry I forgot, yes that's great, you have to tell me about it later' or so. I feel like sometimes he only likes me when I don't complain, at all. When I do, he turns it around and suddenly I'm the terrible person.

 

Oh, and in case you wonder why he said '"Incredible that you start with this AGAIN"- Three months ago (yes, 3) I was out of town and texted him 'I love you' good night. He just texted back 'Good night'. No big deal, happens. But then he 'forgot' it another two times so I told him that I would have liked an 'I love you back', even though it's just about WhatsApp. He instantly got angry, same reaction as the one mentioned before. I know that when we're together he says I love you most times and that he' a good boyfriend (at least when we don't fight, then he's sweet and everything), but I feel like I cannot complain about anything small with him getting mad instantly.

 

Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do?

 

 

Thanks.

 

I think you are definitely over-reacting and seem very controlling and demanding to me. You cannot control another person. No matter what you do. Everytime you tell your boyfriend on WhatsApp that he's not responding the way that you want him to, he feels controlled and dominated by you. Basically you come across as a total nag. Stop doing that and let your boyfriend respond the way he wants to. Stop nagging him just because he doesn't WhatsApp you 'I love you' back, especially since you know he loves you b/c he tells you that in person.

 

This isn't about your boyfriend being incapable of taking criticism at all. It's about your boyfriend getting fed up with the way you constantly nag and try to control him. It's like you have a stranglehold on him and your relationship. The tighter you squeeze with your constant demands, I guarantee you he will break up with you. So, lighten up and stop expecting him to respond to you exactly the way that you demand he respond or this relationship will fail.

[Ruby Slippers]

You feel that your boyfriend doesn't give you enough verbal/written affirmation and praise. To you, this tell you he doesn't care enough. So you complain about it.

 

Your boyfriend for whatever reason does not feel motivated to give you the level of verbal/written affirmation that you desire. And he's making it very clear he resents you complaining about it.

 

I've learned that if you have to ask for verbal affirmation, praise, and I love yous, it's not a good sign. Some men give it in abundance, freely and happily; some men don't. The second type might give a little more if you fish it out of them - but that gets tedious, and doesn't feel the same, anyway, since it wasn't given freely. And the second type might give it more if their feelings are very strong about the woman they're with. So either he's just not the kind of guy to do it, or he doesn't feel strongly enough about you in particular to do it.

 

People don't really change much. People can change, but real change is a very loooong, sloooow process that takes effort and focus. The person he is and the dynamic you have with him is what it is.

 

Your choices are to accept him as he is and stay, or accept that you would rather be with a more verbally expressive man and go. What you're doing now - staying and complaining about what you wish were different - is a losing battle, in my experience.

 

My last boyfriend was stingy with verbal affirmation, praise, and expressions of affection. I asked for more of all of it, and it turned into bickering and fights. I was never really happy with him, because I never felt truly loved with him, so I eventually left.

 

My new boyfriend is naturally generous with verbal affirmation, praise, and expressions of affection. I am so much happier with him, there's just no comparison. Not only is he generous with verbal affirmation, it clearly makes him very happy to show me the love in this way. I feel appreciated, treasured, and secure.

 

I would never go back to being with a guy who's not verbally expressive and supportive. I think it's totally normal and you're justified in feeling that something is missing with him.

 

In my experience, romantic relationships work best when the man adores the woman and enjoys letting her know it in many different ways. I spent way too much time in the past trying to mold my partners into something that they weren't. If I had it to do over again, I would do it the way I do it now - accept my lover, friends, family, clients, and everybody exactly as they are, without trying to change them. If I can't accept their behavior, I just don't associate with them. Life is much easier and more pleasant this way.

[Jejangles]

You need to read the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment". I read it recently and it was like a revelation, and so much of it fits with what you have described here. I would highly recommend reading it - basically people can learn to communicate better, but some types of people really struggle to work together... I think you and your boyfriend are likely not a good attachment fit and would have to work very hard to meet each others needs and have a happy long-term relationship.

 

The worst combination is an anxious attacher (which you sound more like) and an avoidant attacher (which your boyfriend sounds more like). Anxious attachers need a lot more affirmation and support (some might call them "needy" and "codependent" but the book explains why that is unfair), and avoidants need more distance and separation ("independent" and "stand offish").

 

It's fine for you to seek approval/ support from your romantic partner, and it's fine for him to not want to always give that approval/ support. But can you be happy with what's on offer from him? Are you willing to sometimes not have him respond how you would prefer? Is he willing to bend a little to give you the affirmation that would make you happy? That's what you need to figure out.

 

Edited to add: Also I agree with everything Ruby Slippers said! It's the same concept without using the language from the book.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Jejangles
To agree with another poster

[Redhead14]

I think both of you are overreacting.

 

You are expecting to hear exactly what you want from him within the exact time frame that you want it, and IMO this is rather rigid and excessive, especially considering that we're talking about texting. If he's in another city for work, chances are he might be busy or preoccupied or thinking about his, you know, work in the morning instead of something you messaged him about last night.

 

His response to you was also over the top IMO - I would have been annoyed as well in his position, but I don't think he communicated his annoyance in the best manner.

 

I don't think he communicated his annoyance in the best manner -- You get what you give. "what we haaave here is a failure to communicate . . . in a way that is effective, respectful, mutually supportive and undemanding. I don't know him, but from what's written here, she doesn't know how to communicate and doesn't have good conflict resolution skills.

[BlueIris]

How should a partner in a relationship communicate hurt feelings?

Maybe, "it hurt my feelings that you didn't congratulate me on my project completion." ?

[Redhead14]

How should a partner in a relationship communicate hurt feelings?

Maybe, "it hurt my feelings that you didn't congratulate me on my project completion." ?

 

In this case, "I understand you may have been busy and I did send a ton of messages last night. I am excited and proud that I completed that project and I had hoped you would share my excitement." His response should be 'gosh, you're right, I missed that and I am proud of you. Kiss, kiss. "Or, yeah, I was so busy, I forgot to tell you and I am proud of you."

[BlueIris]

In this case, "I understand you may have been busy and I did send a ton of messages last night. I am excited and proud that I completed that project and I had hoped you would share my excitement."

 

Interesting. So open with an apology or self-deprecation? -- Just learning here.

That wouldn't be my style, but okay.