yxalitis Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 All right, this girl is really giving me mixed signals...REALLY mixed. I'm not talking about subtle things I'm picking up, but things she tells me outright! We met online, had one date, it went very well. I rang her after that date every day, and on the third she said she wasn't "feeling the romance" and didn't want to meet again. I rang her back, and convinced her to try again. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/531227-good-date http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/532229-most-unusual-dates-i-ve-ever-been You guys here all said forget it, she's not interested...blah blah, but we did have that second date, and a third, and we are seeing each other every weekend and some week nights too. She (despite comments to the contrary in those threads) LIKES that I call her regularly. Around the second week, I once again was told that when I call her she “doesn’t feel the romance” “You talk to me like a mate” I tried to explain that of course I talk to her like a friend, I’m not going to call her and be all: “hi snookums, sweety, darling heart, I love you miss you mwah, mwah” ESPECIALLY as we had at that stage only been dating a few weeks, and it’s way too early for true feelings. She admitted she's not very experienced with dating, but later told me all about her past ex'es, of which there were a few, she just moved out from some rich guy after 2 years, was married very young (She has a 20 year old, she's 38). Things settled down after that, she told me after another week or so that she felt better about my phone conversations… Then last Saturday night as we lay in bed...she said: “I’m not feeling excited when I see you” “Do you mean emotionally” “Yes, I like you a lot, but nothing in my heart for you” “Hey” I said honestly “That’s OK, I’m not long out of me last relationship, and I am enjoying what we have now without worrying about love yet.” “That’s great” she says happily “Just easy, relaxed time with you” “I’ll see you once a week for sure” she finishes. OK, so that’s settled, right, I know where I stand, and I appreciate her open honesty. Monday morning, and she calls: “Do you want to come over for dinner and bowling” Sure, we have a great night, and when we get home after bowling she invites me to stay with a simple: “Do you want a shower” So, lying in bed again…and she starts to talk about past experiences, how she’s not very experienced with long term relationships, and then says: “We are made for each other, I never want to fight with you, or complain about you, not like my ex’es, you're so easy to get along with” “I see a future with you” “I think we should only see each other, no other people” I reacted positively, as she IS a nice, caring person…even if I don’t have feelings for her yet. But…only two days prior she was telling me that we were basically FWB, NSA, whatever, suddenly we have a future and should be exclusive! She genuinely seems to care for me, she loves that I’m affectionate, she cuddles me for hours before sleeping, the sex is getting better… What gives, what do you guys think is going on…I’m a little concerned about her inconsistency. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Thing is, I'm not sure what to think...I liked what we had... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) I am a little confused now too. In your post, after the part about her wanting to be exclusive, you wrote: >>I reacted positively, as she IS a nice, caring person…even if I don’t have feelings for her yet. ----------------------------------------------------------- So you have been dating her for one month, lots of dates, lots of sex, showers, cuddles in bed, dinners, bowling...but you don't have feelings for her yet? When do you plan on developing feelings for her, two months from next Tuesday? LOL Anyhoo....does SHE know this? She's right...you talk to her like a "mate," because to YOU, she IS just a mate -- a mate with benefits, aka an FWB. And you should have told her THEN, that to YOU, she is nothing more than an FWB....and probably never will be anything more than an FWB. I think you need to tell her now dude....anything other than that is leading her on... which is not right. EDIT: I think the reason she was so back and forth is because she could not get a good read on you... you talk to her like a "mate," no romantic vibe from you...and she was following (or trying to follow) YOUR lead. Obviously she is VERY into you, wants to be exclusive, so be truthful with her, tell her you only see her as a "mate," with benefits...and let the chips fall where they may. Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I am a little confused now too. In your post, after the part about her wanting to be exclusive, you wrote: >>I reacted positively, as she IS a nice, caring person…even if I don’t have feelings for her yet. ----------------------------------------------------------- So you have been dating her for one month, lots of dates, lots of sex, showers, cuddles in bed, dinners, bowling...but you don't have feelings for her yet? When do you plan on developing feelings for her, two months from next Tuesday? LOL Anyhoo....does SHE know this? She's right...you talk to her like a "mate," because to YOU, she IS just a mate -- a mate with benefits, aka an FWB. And you should have told her THEN, that to YOU, she is nothing more than an FWB....and probably never will be anything more than an FWB. I think you need to tell her now dude....anything other than that is leading her on... which is not right. EDIT: I think the reason she was so back and forth is because she could not get a good read on you... you talk to her like a "mate," no romantic vibe from you...and she was following (or trying to follow) YOUR lead. Obviously she is VERY into you, wants to be exclusive, so be truthful with her, tell her you only see her as a "mate," with benefits...and let the chips fall where they may. Yeah, she caught me off guard...my friends agree with this sentiment, don't lead her on, tell her it's just casual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Bump for more opinions... I don't have any feelings for her, but at the same time, I don't have any problems with her either, apart from a lack of common interests. We get along really well, enjoy each other's company. But...I don't want to settle for "good enough." If I do want to maintain the casual nature of the relationship, how do I go about it...what do I say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Spoke to her last night. Only wanted to do it in person..not over the phone or text. When she said "Do you see us being together forever" I knew I had to say something... "I just need more time..." Oh, she pulls back, a look of concern on her face..."what..why do you need more time" I can't answer...I'm frantically trying to work out the best way to answer without hurting her...I can't... But in the end, she provides me the segway. She starts to talk about one of her ex'es again...! I interrupt her. "You talk about your ex'es a lot, are they still in your heart?" She agrees to stop referring to her ex'es so much, but then asks..."is your ex still in your heart?" Bingo! "Yes, I made a mistake when I broke up, we kept in touch, calling texting, we didn't stop" "Oh, I see" "So only recently I realised, and stopped communicating with her. I need her out of my head and heart" "Oh" "I can't love someone properly until then...do you understand?" "Yes, OK" "So we just take it slow, OK, I like you, but I need to be free from her before I can love you" Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 You two are nuts. You were made for each other. If you are confused, look at her actions - she keeps accepting dates, so she's into you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 You two are nuts. You were made for each other. If you are confused, look at her actions - she keeps accepting dates, so she's into you. I know that... I'm just not sure about my feelings for her, and don't want to lead her on Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 So you have been dating her for one month, lots of dates, lots of sex, showers, cuddles in bed, dinners, bowling...but you don't have feelings for her yet? When do you plan on developing feelings for her, two months from next Tuesday? LOL Wait...I just reread this... You think it's normal to develop feelings for a person after a few weeks of weekend visits...? Really? I would have thought the opposite, you need to get to know someone better, for longer, and do more than eat, go bowling and have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) Wait...I just reread this... **You think it's normal to develop feelings for a person after a few weeks of weekend visits...? Really?** I would have thought the opposite, you need to get to know someone better, for longer, and do more than eat, go bowling and have sex. Yes I do.....really. Do I expect a person to be in love after a month? No of course not. But the amount of time you spend with her, and how you choose to spend that time with her, I would hope (and expect) you had at least some level of affection and fondness for her (beyond friendship). Otherwise known as "feelings." Unless of course it's been mutually agreed you are FWBs.. Which is not the case here. I think the fact you don't have feelings is very telling......and IMO you *are* misleading her and I think you know that too...... But whatevs it's your life.... Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Yes I do.....really. Do I expect a person to be in love after a month? No of course not. But the amount of time you spend with her, and how you choose to spend that time with her, I would hope (and expect) you had at least some level of affection and fondness for her (beyond friendship). Otherwise known as "feelings." Unless of course it's been mutually agreed you are FWBs.. Which is not the case here. I think the fact you don't have feelings is very telling......and IMO you *are* misleading her and I think you know that too...... But whatevs it's your life.... We (you and I) understand the term: "feelings" differently. Of course I like her, am fond of her, get along well (very well) and communicate openly and honestly with her, about things like what we expect from the relationship. But she is asking questions like: "do you see us together forever?" and "I'm moving to Brisbane next year, will you move with me?" This is dragster-on-nitrous fast for me, especially as i still have (what I consider) feelings for me ex I need to get over first (which I told her) If tomorrow my ex contacted me asked if we could try agian, and suggested we get back together, I would, simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You two are nuts. You were made for each other. If you are confused, look at her actions - she keeps accepting dates, so she's into you. I disagree with this. She seems emotionally unavailable and seems to flip flop a lot. One moment she's hot, the next cold. She loves me, she loves me not. Ugh, my anxiety would drive me crazy with a girl like that. I don't want to be walking on egg shells every moment I'm with someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I decided to stop seeing this girl, I feel better, as I simply was'rt comfortable with the speed she was progressing, or the flip flopping over what she wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I think it's probably wise. Sounds like you just were not that into her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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