FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 so, I met this guy, who has a great personality,good listener has a great job, good education, very caring..has so many great qualities. ...but i just don't feel any attraction. the first date went well but thought he deserves another chance because sometimes sexual chemistry takes time.im not a shallow person either. ive dealt with alot of NOT so nice guys a lot and been single for a long time. i can tell he really likes me so we went on a second date last night. Again, I just knew that i didn't feel any sort of attraction to him.We walked around the beach and had a nice dinner. he asked to continue the date and i said it was time for me to go home. ...he walked me to my car and again no kiss. anyways, its really such a shame because he'd make a great husband .. does anyone have any advice on what i should say to him, because he deserves the respect of not being led on. I dont want to hurt his feelings either. has anyone been in this situation and later on felt an attraction to the person? its disappointing to find such a great guy but not feeling anything romantically towards them. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Is it a physical thing? Is he just not that good looking? You can't force attraction. It's either there or it isn't, and sometimes we are not attracted to the people we know would make the best partners. Such is life. Just be honest with him. Tell him you had fun but that you just don't see the two of you working out down the road. Or you could go the self deprecation route. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 The reason you are not feeling it is because of the unhealthy past relationships you had. The fact that you were with those guys meant that you found them sexually attractive at some level. I was in several bad relationships with women and i had a rather unhealthy attraction to 'ice princesses'. That was almost 6yrs ago, and after a few more relationships [with good women], followed by almost 5yrs of celibacy, i've started to come around to other kind of women. My advice is, fake it till you make it, and i'm referring to the sexual attraction. Look back at what attracted you to those men, and try to mentally attach some of those elements to this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Put it through the test, kiss him. I remember going on this first date and feeling NO sexual attraction to this man at all. I went through the date thinking not-gonna-happen. When we left the coffee shop we're standing face to face saying our good byes and he totally surprised me by giving me this passionate kiss. I went HOLY SHYT, I want to see this guy again! lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Gaeta, I think that's pretty rare. Just tell him you are talking to another guy and you want to see how it goes. If you are not seeing him you will see another guy soon, right? The only way to not reject is to get them to reject you first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 I get ive had unhealthy experiences with men in the past. but I even cant see myself kissing the guy, like there is no physical attraction what so ever. i cant visualize myself sleeping with the man. i have a really hard time with the idea "fake it until you make it" i wouldn't want to waste his or my time, i have him a second chance and still felt the same attraction wise. I haven't had any prospects of men in a very long time which is why i am disappointed about this good man. ive dealt with alot of issues feeling lonely but i can feel it in my heart that its just not there. its just difficult letting him know how i feel Link to post Share on other sites
crosswordfiend Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 If I may… why did you agree to go out with him in the first place if there was no physical attraction on your part? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 lol it was a blind date Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Just be honest with him, as "that" guy I would rather people were honest with me that pass of some stupid excuse of "talking to other guys" or "lets be friends". Honesty wins out. Just unfortunate ultimately everything is decided by looks. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I get ive had unhealthy experiences with men in the past. but I even cant see myself kissing the guy, like there is no physical attraction what so ever. i cant visualize myself sleeping with the man. i have a really hard time with the idea "fake it until you make it" i wouldn't want to waste his or my time, i have him a second chance and still felt the same attraction wise. I haven't had any prospects of men in a very long time which is why i am disappointed about this good man. ive dealt with alot of issues feeling lonely but i can feel it in my heart that its just not there. its just difficult letting him know how i feel You're probably not going to waste his time [a good guy has humility, real humility so he doesn't think he's a God], and from the sounds of it ... you are not going to be wasting your time [since there has been a dryspell]. When i said fake it to sexual attraction, i did not mean sex. I mean kissing, and subsequent dates. You are literally ready to throw in the towel after the 1st date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 About 6 months ago I met a man just like the one you described - a totally great guy on every level, but I just felt ZERO carnal attraction. I went out with him as a friend a few times, and because he's such a wonderful guy, I tried really hard to generate some physical attraction for him, but I just felt NONE. Neither of us would have benefited from me dating him, given the lack of attraction. I would simply tell him, "I've enjoyed our time together, but I don't feel a romantic spark." It's nothing personal - it's just not there. I didn't have to say that to my friend, because we never dated, just went out as friends. He lightly flirted with me, and I just never reciprocated. We are still friendly, and he sometimes invites me to group events. Maybe you and this guy can be friends. As I widen my social circle, I will definitely invite this friend to any social events where single female friends are present, because he's a great guy and I'd really like to see him find love. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I've been in a similar situation twice: great guys, no spark at all. 1st time I push it to 3 dates. We never kissed, hold hands, nothing. I made up an excuse that I'm not ready, he still tried to be a platonic friend but it didn't work out (we had nothing in common except work). 2nd time... Oh boy, I had 6 dates with him. I enjoyed his company but didn't feel anything. I posted 2 treads here, he was following me for months... It went creepy. So in my opinion, if you don't feel it, don't force it. Sustainable faking of attraction will wear you off, no matter how great is the guy on paper. so, I met this guy, who has a great personality,good listener has a great job, good education, very caring..has so many great qualities. ...but i just don't feel any attraction. the first date went well but thought he deserves another chance because sometimes sexual chemistry takes time.im not a shallow person either. ive dealt with alot of NOT so nice guys a lot and been single for a long time. i can tell he really likes me so we went on a second date last night. Again, I just knew that i didn't feel any sort of attraction to him.We walked around the beach and had a nice dinner. he asked to continue the date and i said it was time for me to go home. ...he walked me to my car and again no kiss. anyways, its really such a shame because he'd make a great husband .. does anyone have any advice on what i should say to him, because he deserves the respect of not being led on. I dont want to hurt his feelings either. has anyone been in this situation and later on felt an attraction to the person? its disappointing to find such a great guy but not feeling anything romantically towards them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 You're probably not going to waste his time [a good guy has humility, real humility so he doesn't think he's a God], and from the sounds of it ... you are not going to be wasting your time [since there has been a dryspell]. When i said fake it to sexual attraction, i did not mean sex. I mean kissing, and subsequent dates. You are literally ready to throw in the towel after the 1st date. ive been out with him 2 times this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 but I even cant see myself kissing the guy, like there is no physical attraction what so ever. i cant visualize myself sleeping with the man. Than don't waste the poor man's time. Just say it was a pleasure meeting him but you didn't feel enough chemistry to pursue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Just be honest with him, as "that" guy I would rather people were honest with me that pass of some stupid excuse of "talking to other guys" or "lets be friends". Honesty wins out. Just unfortunate ultimately everything is decided by looks. I wouldnt say everything was decided on looks, im not a shallow person at all. its just if its not there than its not there. i cant help how i feel, if i was to date someone in the long run i would have to have an attraction there. plain and simple Link to post Share on other sites
sportygirl89 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I had two that happened. A) 8 months after my ex walked out on me while I was sick. Met this young navy boy. I was like maybe if guys my age and older guys are not working maybe try younger. Wrong. Look wise he was attractive and stayed in shape. Sexual chemistry was not there and kissing sucked! This lasted for four months before I couldn't do it. B) Over Christmas of this year I went on like 5 dates. He was skinny, looked good from away. He was not culturally aware of the world. I have traveled to Europe. I want my guy to be well educated. I went to a wedding and was trying to see if we had good chemistry at the wedding. I couldn't bring my self to take him to the wedding he was so dull. I like adventure. I am currently talking to this older guy and we have been trying to work on trying things for a decade. Pray that works out Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I wouldnt say everything was decided on looks, im not a shallow person at all. its just if its not there than its not there. i cant help how i feel, if i was to date someone in the long run i would have to have an attraction there. plain and simple Let's be honest if looks were not definative and providing he isn't the size of an elephant then clearly looks are the be all and end all. I am being general here. Call me a idiot perhaps a hypocrit but if you haven't found anyone else in a while and you get on well with him, why not friend zone and see how things work. My own experience is, yes looks can be an issue but its more so if there is no connection at all. Lastly I do apologise if I am being harsh, wasn't my intention but having been in his position , few things hurt more than someone who rejects but isnt honest as to why. Most people appreciate honestly over sugar coating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FaithInTheDark Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Let's be honest if looks were not definative and providing he isn't the size of an elephant then clearly looks are the be all and end all. I am being general here. Call me a idiot perhaps a hypocrit but if you haven't found anyone else in a while and you get on well with him, why not friend zone and see how things work. My own experience is, yes looks can be an issue but its more so if there is no connection at all. Lastly I do apologise if I am being harsh, wasn't my intention but having been in his position , few things hurt more than someone who rejects but isnt honest as to why. Most people appreciate honestly over sugar coating. the thing is its not that i find him "ugly" im not not attracted to him in a romantic way but yeah i need to be honest looks plays a part. Yes, im gonna be honest with him and say id prefer to be his friend. which i would because i enjoy his company. i didn't take offence i just know im not a shallow person and see the best in people but there is no romantic furture. thanks for taking the time to give your feedback Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 flirt. attraction is what you THINK it is.... Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Good approach. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 There's this really frustrating mind set that I've noticed when it comes to dating. You are not the bad guy for not being attracted to someone. Someone can be perfect on paper, but not perfect for you. That's a completely normal and common occurrence. You rejecting him doesn't lessen him or his value as a person. It's simply you being respectful and informing him you don't feel an attraction. The real pain comes from leading these "good people" on, wasting their time and hurting them even more deeply. Glad you decided to take the road of honestly and kindness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I wouldnt say everything was decided on looks, im not a shallow person at all. its just if its not there than its not there. i cant help how i feel, if i was to date someone in the long run i would have to have an attraction there. plain and simple lol...not saying your shallow but it is all about the looks for you in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 lol...not saying your shallow but it is all about the looks for you in this case. Attraction has nothing to do with looks. We all agree Brad Pitt is good looking. He would not be my type of man, I would not feel attracted yet, he's more than good looking Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Find someone even less attractive than him and go out with the them until you get used to looking at them. You'll probably be in the same situation so you'll have to stop seeing the new guy. Then go back to the guy you're seeing now and he should look a lot better. Okay I know that's crazy as hell, I just thought of it. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Attraction has nothing to do with looks. We all agree Brad Pitt is good looking. He would not be my type of man, I would not feel attracted yet, he's more than good looking Of course attraction has something to do with looks. However a man can be physically good looking but has some bad manor and that will make him unattractive. But OP cannot find any bad traits about this guy so the lack of attraction purely comes from the look. BTW with Brad Pitt, how do you know he is not your type of man? haha You don't know him. He could be the most charming guy in the world lol Link to post Share on other sites
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