Am I getting the best from him?

May 27, 2015

"So I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and I recently found out that he used to take his ex girlfriend on expensive holidays all over the world. They went shopping in Paris, scuba diving in the Maldives, skiiing in Italy, and saw the Northern Lights in Norway. With me, he always says that what is most important is our relationship, and that he knows I love him for who he is and he doesn't feel the need to buy my affection with money and presents.

But... I sort of feel like I have been lied to. I didn't know that he was so rich or that he treated his past girlfriends differently. I guess I understand where he is coming from, I know that money can interfere in relationships. But, at the same time, why did he want to spoil her and not me? Am I not good enough?

We really work so well together and I don't want to throw away 3 years over this. But the problem is I now have problems trusting him. What else could he be hiding from me? I've been withdrawing a bit, and I know he can see it. He keeps asking me if I am okay, and I don't want to tell him, because I don't know what to say. Am I being selfish?

He says he used to use his money to impress girls to get what he wants, and he isn't like that anymore. He regrets it. I believe him, but I still want him to feel comfortable enough to share everything about himself with me, and clearly he isn't there anymore.

What should I do?"

May 27, 2015

Sounds like he realises he made a mistake being so lavish with previous relationships, and has reined it in a bit now to ensure girls are with him for him, not his money. Nothing wrong with that. Were you happy before this revelation?

However, I admit I would find it unsettling if somebody had hid major financial information for several years from me. Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to finances, I'm a pretty open book and have generally dated people from the same socioeconomic background (I've been poor most of my life, only in the past year have I started to earn a living, decent wage, and even then it's not up the national average, but compared to minimum wage it's fantastic to live on, and I'm happy with it), have mostly dated people who were also pretty poor, one or two guys who had more money (a pharmacist and a doctor). But once it goes past just dating and into a long relationship, it seems strange to me to have successfully hidden something like being wealthy, surely that stuff just comes up over time? Before my boyfriend and I moved in at six months we talked about money, what we didn't have, the debt we were in, so that we knew exactly what we were getting in choosing to share a life with one another. If I then, a couple years down the line, found out that he was actually rich I would find that really bizarre, I would never want someone to spend money on me but I would find it weird they'd kept it from me for so long and maybe be offended because it sounds like they don't trust me not to try and be a gold digger even after months and years spent dating happily not knowing that money was there.

So I CAN see why it would bother you that he has hidden being wealthy, definitely. When was it going to come up? Do you live together? What if it got serious and you got married, would he keep it a secret still? I get not blowing the cash on the first few dates to make sure she isn't along for a free ride but I don't understand keeping it from a long term partner.

May 27, 2015

He says he used to use his money to impress girls to get what he wants, and he isn't like that anymore. He regrets it.

It sounds like he was insecure and believed that he wasn't good enough to date so he felt he had to buy their affection. You could see it as a positive sign that he doesn't act that way with you. It shows his security and trust in your relationship. He finally met someone who makes him feel good enough just as he is.

I sort of feel like I have been lied to. I didn't know that he was so rich

If you haven't spoken about financial matters in any depth it is possible he got himself in debt to pay for these trips which would explain why he regrets it so much. I think after 3 years you would have a good idea if he was wealthy.

I do see your point of view on why he doesn't spoil you as much and why it would sting a little bit.

You really only have two options. Make peace with it and let it go, or you need to talk to him about it and tell him why it makes you feel bad. *However, I would caution you that talking to him about it might have negative repercussions. It might bring back old insecurities about not being good enough for a woman without spending money and feeling used. It might cause trust issues in your relationship.

I think you need to weigh it up. Does he treat you well or are you feeling neglected in other ways? If you are satisfied in every other way I don't think this needs to be an issue but if something else gives you reason to feel unappreciated then perhaps this would be a good reason to bring it up and find out how he truly feels about you.

Good luck.

May 27, 2015

It depends, where you guys heading? Three years together is a very long time... Are you getting official anytime soon? If so then your concerns aren't so relevant because if he is committing then doesn't really matter what dating style he chose to use. Sometimes we spoil and pamper our gfs and then they turn out to be un thankful brats so we decide to take it easy the next time and make sure the girl is with us for the right reasons.

May 27, 2015

"My boyfriend and I really do get along great. When we go on dates it is usually to a simple dinner at a local diner or to the movies, sometimes he will take me to a local bar to go dancing or to a fair. When my birthday comes around he always makes sure I have a birthday card and some small gift, last birthday it was a cute sweater. So we really got along great and I never asked him much about his work.

Recently we were at a party with his other friends and of course we all had a bit much to drink. This is when I found out that my boyfriend is actually wealthy. His other friends told me about a trust fund that pays him a large sum each month aside from what his job pays him. However at the party I asked my boyfriend about this and that is when him and even his other friends started talking about these trips he would take, the gifts he bought these other women and so on. Now it's not that I expect him to lavish me with expensive jewelry or take me on trips to exotic beaches and such. I do wish he would see fit to bring me flowers or even a flower more than a couple of times a year.

Since I have posted this I asked my boyfriend why he would do these things with/for other women and not for me. My boyfriend told me that he was just trying to impress these women and that he thought of them differently from myself. He said that he enjoyed the fun they had but now he is thinking of settling down with me, so he does not want to impress me with his wealth. I asked him if we stayed together would things change and could I expect to at least get some of the same stuff he did with these other women. He told me "no" that he is done doing things like that. He followed up with saying that he will take me on a vacation or two per year, however just to see a national park, Las Vegas or something like that. He did tell me that when the time was right and we move in together that he will pay all the bills for the place and that should be enough.

I guess I am just feeling kind of cheated. I mean we both have past lovers and we normally don't have problems with that, even discussing them (without detail of course). However I give my boyfriend my all, I don't hold back on him. Now after all this time I find out I am not getting everything he has to offer and never will. I can see him hiding his wealth for the first few months or a year, however it has been three years now. Even talking with him I find out that he will never treat me like a queen as he has done with these other women. If I am suppose to be the love of his life, then why does he offer me less than these other women that means nothing to him? In one way I am thinking about leaving him knowing that I'll never be treated as well as the other women. In another way I want to stay with him, because aside from this he really does treat me great and I really love him. I am so confused and hurt right now. Can anyone give me any help with this to make a decision?"

May 27, 2015

Now after all this time I find out I am not getting everything he has to offer and never will.

It looks like now that you find out he is wealthy, all you want is his money.

Really, this post is making be pretty angry.

It's this kind of stuff that makes me sure I will never marry.

May 27, 2015

I don't see a fundamental/unsurmountable issue here, but I don't think it's one that will just resolve itself either.

I'm in the camp where communication is key. You need to reassure him of your positive feelings for him, but also let him know that learning of this has made you feel envious. I don't think that it is abnormal to feel that - a lot of people would be envious in a similar situation I think. But this is YOUR insecurity, not his. Make sure you are clear with this - it has made you feel like 2nd best. Tell him you want him to reassure you that you're not second best.

But you also need to take reassurance from the fact he has felt like he's not needed to spend his money to establish a level of confidence with you. Relationships shouldn't be built upon money.

It is clear you've not been with him for his money as you didn't realise he had plenty of it and its not a factor for you... reassure him of that too.

May 27, 2015

"My boyfriend and I really do get along great. When we go on dates it is usually to a simple dinner at a local diner or to the movies, sometimes he will take me to a local bar to go dancing or to a fair. When my birthday comes around he always makes sure I have a birthday card and some small gift, last birthday it was a cute sweater. So we really got along great and I never asked him much about his work.

Recently we were at a party with his other friends and of course we all had a bit much to drink. This is when I found out that my boyfriend is actually wealthy. His other friends told me about a trust fund that pays him a large sum each month aside from what his job pays him. However at the party I asked my boyfriend about this and that is when him and even his other friends started talking about these trips he would take, the gifts he bought these other women and so on. Now it's not that I expect him to lavish me with expensive jewelry or take me on trips to exotic beaches and such. I do wish he would see fit to bring me flowers or even a flower more than a couple of times a year.

Since I have posted this I asked my boyfriend why he would do these things with/for other women and not for me. My boyfriend told me that he was just trying to impress these women and that he thought of them differently from myself. He said that he enjoyed the fun they had but now he is thinking of settling down with me, so he does not want to impress me with his wealth. I asked him if we stayed together would things change and could I expect to at least get some of the same stuff he did with these other women. He told me "no" that he is done doing things like that. He followed up with saying that he will take me on a vacation or two per year, however just to see a national park, Las Vegas or something like that. He did tell me that when the time was right and we move in together that he will pay all the bills for the place and that should be enough.

I guess I am just feeling kind of cheated. I mean we both have past lovers and we normally don't have problems with that, even discussing them (without detail of course). However I give my boyfriend my all, I don't hold back on him. Now after all this time I find out I am not getting everything he has to offer and never will. I can see him hiding his wealth for the first few months or a year, however it has been three years now. Even talking with him I find out that he will never treat me like a queen as he has done with these other women. If I am suppose to be the love of his life, then why does he offer me less than these other women that means nothing to him? In one way I am thinking about leaving him knowing that I'll never be treated as well as the other women. In another way I want to stay with him, because aside from this he really does treat me great and I really love him. I am so confused and hurt right now. Can anyone give me any help with this to make a decision?"

He wants you to love him for him, not his money. That's very clear. If you are pushing this issue with him, he will say he won't treat you like a queen because now that he's feeling pressured, he's thinking you will be like all the rest of them. He's told you he loves you, he treats you well and wants to settle down with you and will pay for everything. These are the important things.

May 27, 2015

That is a cause for concern.

He can only promise one or two local vacations a year??

What if you WANT to go to Paris, Dubai, Melbourne, or wherever?

I think he is bs-ing you.

But you need to look at yourself.

You say you "give your all". Are you doing too much for him?? You have to stop doing so much for him if you want him to do for you.

Guys treat different women differently. The better you treat yourself, the better a man will treat you. If you act all humble, then you might get humble pie.

You need to find your inner diva. Don't be afraid to get angry about how differently he is treating you! Anger is a powerful emotion that can lead to big changes.

May 27, 2015

We really work so well together and I don't want to throw away 3 years over this. But the problem is I now have problems trusting him. What else could he be hiding from me? I've been withdrawing a bit, and I know he can see it. He keeps asking me if I am okay, and I don't want to tell him, because I don't know what to say. Am I being selfish?

What should I do?"

So, don't throw it away. I don't understand where your trust issue came from. What, precisely, was he hiding from you?

May 27, 2015

I am curious why both of your posts were in "quotes"?

Anyway, I can understand where the guy is coming from. I have money to spend on girls but at the same time I don't want them to like me for the wrong reason so I don't. If I get a sense that a girl is with me for what I can "do" for her vs. her actually be interested in me then I would end things... It is almost easier for poor guys in that respect

May 28, 2015

What he chooses to do with HIS money is none of your business. Worst of all, what happened in his past is in the past. I would be very wary of any woman who got sour because she found out I was rich.

I definitely wouldn't consider a future with her. It screams of golddigging to me and you're proving the previous qualms he had about how women are only concerned with a man's wallet correct.

May 28, 2015

Wow you are in a tough position. I think I would feel much as you do. It's hard to get that message across to him though without making it about the "money". I think both the money and the treatment are intertwined for both of you. And there is no easy way around this. I agree with what others have said about the reasons he is trying to position your relationship differently than his others. I don't totally disagree with what he's doing but I don't agree with it either. Like you. I think he STILL has trouble compartmentalizing the two so has swung entirely the other direction!! Which is apart from money, is weird from point of view of lifestyle. How does one go from liking jet set things to the opposite extreme of public parks and diners?!!? It's like who are you really? Would be my question to him.

I think he still can't not "make it about money". He bought his past gf's whether or not they were actually buyable; it's part of how he believes he got and kept them so now he is going completely the opposite and basically cut his partner off of normal dating stuff and above so he doesn't feel used or like it's the reason you are together. He needs to find a happy medium that suits his true lifestyle needs and wants and you guys see if that meets yours. Such as in an ideal world, what would he like to do with his money as far as travel and gifts are concerned? His assumptions and presumptions as they related to your interest in him because of them shouldn't play into it or he is projecting his past onto you. That said, gifts are just that: gifts. (3 years and a sweater is kinda not ok though when his other behavior before was extremely the opposite!! Actually just in general too!!) Gifts have to be given from an open heart with generous spirit or they mean little to nothing.

Part of the way I think you can attempt to solve your dilemma is ask him how he sees his future life with whichever partner is in it. Things he will want to do, places to see, etc. If the generous spirit has left his body because he is bitter and burned and thinks his new strategy will weed out users, he'd only be half right--He is still making his partnership decisions based on money and use of money. Even if someone is dating a new person who has no money to speak of but a future together is being planned, it's your right to know how they see the future goals. So ok, don't do it off his trust fund money, but I would want a guy to want to progress his position in life to treat me/us better because that is just a natural progression of things. He can do it off his job money if he wants to keep it in perspective and not be over the top. He doesn't think it's necessary because in reality he can have either--simple or extravagant. But I would want to know for YOUR OWN REASONS. And for this I say, before you talk to him about it more, have a clear idea of how YOUR ideal life would be with whoever your partner is and then make sure you express that to him.

If simple things for the rest of your life would be fine, then perhaps commit to letting this issue go. If you want to see your lives together progress and have variety, no matter who you are with, then obviously if he is not willing to budge, you have a big problem. I'd probably be in this camp--not because of his trust fund or ability to spend--but the reasons on which it is based and one-sided nature of the decision. That said, you need to be willing to contribute too--in whichever way the two of you see appropriate. You kind of can't have it both ways. If you want him to pay for your life in any way and not going to contribute yourself in way that has been agreed upon, then he will be the sole decision maker. I do think that may be one way to get his generous spirit back. Is agree to put money aside from each of your JOBS (not his trust fund) for nice trips you want to take. Hopefully he will see that you are very deserving (you sound like it) and will want to contribute more because he has the ability but that part is a gift so you can't force it on him. I would have a big problem staying with anyone who has turned stingy and bitter. Even if he is nice about it. His reasons and stubbornness about the issue speak volumes.

Lastly, I feel for you about what made them worthy of this treatment and not you. I think it's a tough thing to tackle. You should focus on the positive reasons why he does not think you are the same as them. That obviously includes that he thinks you have a real and deep relationship and have better personal qualities. Maybe one conversation with him to explain why it hurts. I think sometimes when I have seen this behavior from guys to certain girls, it's because they believe they deserve pampering (and it will be thing that draws them to him). Get your point across that all women need some level of pampering because it makes you feel cherished and cared for though you are with him for many reasons that you need too in order to feel loved. Let him know some ways that would make you feel like this. I hope it all works out. I would have trouble moving forward though without a large part of this cleared up. Good luck.

May 28, 2015

I'm not really sure if he really has that much money (anymore). I understand that he wants you to like him for him not the money, but if he really had the money, wouldn't HE want to go on a better vacation than local parks? My partner takes me to expensive vacations that I cannot afford because HE wants to go there, so I'm not sure how all of a sudden your boyfriend decided to change his lifestyle completely. Me thinks he maybe made some bad investments or something of the sort.

May 28, 2015

It looks like now that you find out he is wealthy, all you want is his money.
Really, this post is making be pretty angry.
It's this kind of stuff that makes me sure I will never marry.

What he chooses to do with HIS money is none of your business. Worst of all, what happened in his past is in the past. I would be very wary of any woman who got sour because she found out I was rich.

I definitely wouldn't consider a future with her. It screams of golddigging to me and you're proving the previous qualms he had about how women are only concerned with a man's wallet correct.

Totally agree. If I were him and I knew that you feel this way, I would immediately peg you as a gold digger. My (next) girlfriend does not need to know that I inherited a huge sum of money -- at least not until we're married. I've had first hand experience with gold diggers and like the OP's boyfriend, I'm super wary of people like the OP.

You're just his girlfriend. Not wife. What makes you think you're entitled to his money?

You say it's about trust, that by hiding a major thing from you, you feel like your trust has been betrayed. However, nothing in your posts suggest that he has betrayed your trust in any other way. He never lied to you, he just never brought it up.

Your post tells us that you are the type of woman who wants to be treated like a queen -- you said that yourself:

Even talking with him I find out that he will never treat me like a queen as he has done with these other women. If I am suppose to be the love of his life, then why does he offer me less than these other women that means nothing to him? In one way I am thinking about leaving him knowing that I'll never be treated as well as the other women.

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with that, but he has made it clear that he does not see money as a measure of love, and you do. You have to ask yourself whether that is something you are willing to accept going forward.

The three biggest causes of divorces are sex, money and kids. If either partner is not on the same boat, the marriage or relationship will not last long.

May 28, 2015

but he has made it clear that he does not see money as a measure of love, and you do. You have to ask yourself whether that is something you are willing to accept going forward.

The three biggest causes of divorces are sex, money and kids. If either partner is not on the same boat, the marriage or relationship will not last long.

I have to point out that even if he is withholding money now vs with his past relationships, he sees it exactly as a measure of love much more than she does--part of the reason she is upset, no doubt. It is his primary measure of love which is why his use of it with regard to his gf's is SO extreme rather than just a byproduct of them being together. Her bf is the one who would do well to improve in this area. But i completely agree that not being on the same page about this money thing is a huge detriment. I have known men that subscribe to this type of thinking like her guy and it is very hard to change their mindset--because they are changing their behavior (lavishing money or withholding it) but their belief system about women using them for money is still the same. He is thinking in absolutes rather than seeing her as a person and partner on one of the, as you said, big 3 (issues, that is).

I also didn't say that I would be really bummed if I thought I knew my bf after 3 years but did not know this information. He is showing his level of trust that some huge things are off limits. Very one-sided. However, i do think in general truly wealthy people often keep it hidden for a while even from those that are fairly close to them. Or at least the extent of their wealth. But his gf??? They sounded mature enough that they are considering a future together. At 3 years I would expect to know my bf better than anyone but his family or closest almost like family friend.

May 28, 2015

Sorry when I am typing out my thoughts I have a habit of putting them in quotation marks to keep them separate from what I would actually say. I have done this since I was a teenager and wanted to keep my thoughts separate from what I would actually say. Please understand that it is not his money that I am after, I've been with him three years not knowing he had money. Is what bothers me is that I am being treated as "less than" compared to the other women he was with. The way I see it is why should I be treated as "less than" if he claims to be in love with me. For some reason this makes me feel like he is settling for me instead of those other women. The only way I can think of comparing it is it would be like I have myself sexually to another man in a way that I would not give to him. It would not make any sense, if I love him I would give him my all (which I do), however he is not and refuses to give me his all. I am not asking him to take me to exotic places all the time nor give me 10 thousand dollar bracelets, just that he treats me like I am at least as good as the other women he has had.

I guess I am a bit jealous that the other women in his past were treated to more than what he feels he should do for me. Minime13 the trust issues comes from not being told about this over three years of dating. This insight comes as a big shock to me. I am not so much upset about him not sharing this info as I am about that he is treating me as "less than" these other women. I can understand that he wanted to make sure I wanted him for the person his is and I can understand that. However he has pretty much told me that he will never treat me as well as he did with these other women. I am feeling pretty down about myself right now, like he is settling for me. I know that I am feeling insecure right now, however how could I not feel insecure? I've seen pictures of these women and they were all beautiful and to top that he did stuff for them he has never done for me. Yes maybe I am being jealous, however I cannot help but to feel second best compared to these other women.

May 28, 2015

you can always just suggest saving for a vacation and see how he takes it? say " honey, I've always wanted to go to Queenstown, New Zealand, do you think it would be cool to save money perhaps and go there say in the winter?" I mean of course that is a suggestion, but if you suggest holidays to him, see how he takes it... How did you say you found out he spend more money on his former girlfriends before?

May 28, 2015

Is what bothers me is that I am being treated as "less than" compared to the other women he was with. The way I see it is why should I be treated as "less than" if he claims to be in love with me.
..
I am not so much upset about him not sharing this info as I am about that he is treating me as "less than" these other women.
...
However he has pretty much told me that he will never treat me as well as he did with these other women.

So before you found out about his trust fund and past spendings, was the relationship good? Did you feel he was not treating you well? Withholding affection? Being distance all the time / not wanting to spend time with you?

Or anything else?

If there are other issues, then maybe you have cause for concern.

" he always says that what is most important is our relationship, and that he knows I love him for who he is"

"He says he used to use his money to impress girls to get what he wants, and he isn't like that anymore"

To me it already sounds like he has explained exactly why he has changed his past behaviour, and has told you you are the most important thing in his life.

Also, it sounds like he is still paying for most things - it is him offering to pay bills, him taking you to dinner, him taking you vegas/yosemite etc.

I don't agree with other posters who say he was swung around 180 - if he had, he would expect you to pay for these holidays yourself, would expect you pay your way for bills, etc. It's not like he's living off your income now or anything, is it?

And there is nothing wrong with visiting national parks - my best time spent in the states was at national parks hiking and camping in beautiful scenery. Maybe he has come to appreciate that the finer things in life have little to do with spending money. Perhaps you two are not on the same page there though, so if not there could be trouble ahead.

Edited May 28, 2015 by joseb

May 28, 2015

It's his way of trying to find a less materialistic woman. He obviously hasn't succeeded

May 28, 2015

It's his way of trying to find a less materialistic woman. He obviously hasn't succeeded

I have to say I agree. As much as I can understand OP being worried he kept it from her, it is worrying the way she seems to feel entitled to the spoils of his wealth.

Never expect anything from the other person financially in a relationship unless you have kids or are married: support yourself. If a guy offered to take me on a weekend trip to the seaside I would be happy at him wanting to spend time with me and create memories together, not complain about it not being the Bahamas. It would also be so uncomfortable letting someone pay more than their half of the utilities and rent living together, I couldn't accept that! My boyfriend's mum has come into a bit of money and has offered to give us $2500 for a holiday and of course we've refused graciously. I guess some people just don't have a problem using other people's money.

He doesn't feel the need to impress you with flashing cash. That's a good thing. He knows you're with him for him and I suspect the way you've responded to this 'why aren't I getting the trips his exes got?' Rather than 'honey, why did you keep sometning so big from me for so long?' Will damage the relationship quite a bit.

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