andie1988 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 my gf went to a house party and got really drunk, and apparently kissed a guy on the lips(not a proper one, just a quick peck) and a few times on the neck. the next day she told me she didn't remember anything bad happened, and I saw she was asking people at the party if she did something stupid. at that point, i got mad at her because it was very irresponsible of her to blame everything on alcohol. after talking to her mates, she told me nothing really happened but she promised me she will never do that again because if something would have happened, she doesn't want to ruin our relationship. but later on, i found out there was someone i know at the party and i knew from him that she was indeed really drunk, dancing around like crazy, shouting, and she gave a few kisses to a guy on the lips and on the neck while she's dancing. my problem now is, since I found that out from someone else, I'm in two minds of whether to talk about it to my gf. because since then(that was the first and only time she was like this since we started dating) she hasn't drunk a lot or gone out properly(without me). so may be even if she didn't tell me the whole story because she thought that would make me mad, I could see she changed and improved herself. on the other hand, i want us to be totally honest in our relationship and i really want to talk it out with her. but i don't want her to change because I knew what she did, i want her to change/improve because she knew what she did was wrong and she really doesn't want that to happen again for the sake of our relationship even if I don't know what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Your girlfriend needs to stop drinking so much and keep a control over herself. Speak to her. It doesn't sound like you guys have been dating all that long. There are other fish in the sea. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 i don't want her to change because I knew what she did, i want her to change/improve because she knew what she did was wrong and she really doesn't want that to happen again for the sake of our relationship even if I don't know what happened. She is only going to change if she feels that it's in her best interests to change, not because of anything you want. She can't want what you want if she doesn't want it for herself first. She's got to want to stop drinking, period, since this is the genesis of this episode and problem. Question is: are you also willing to stop drinking in support of her not drinking, too? What changes are you going to make to facilitate the changes you want her to make? Also: why didn't you attend this house party with her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andie1988 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 Your girlfriend needs to stop drinking so much and keep a control over herself. Speak to her. It doesn't sound like you guys have been dating all that long. There are other fish in the sea. I haven't talked to her that I found out. Because when she told me that something might happened that she didn't remember, I got quite upset about it. So she didn't tell me what happened after she found out. But she said it's all her fault and she will not drink like that again. And she hasn't drunk heavily or gone out properly without me since then(it's been nearly two months). So looks like she changed herself, without any pressure from me(she still thinks I don't know), which is what I want. I'm worried by telling her, I might create things awkward as I'm already planning to forgive her for that because our relationship has been really good so far. I also don't want her to think that I can forgive her for this sort of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andie1988 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 She is only going to change if she feels that it's in her best interests to change, not because of anything you want. She can't want what you want if she doesn't want it for herself first. She's got to want to stop drinking, period, since this is the genesis of this episode and problem. Question is: are you also willing to stop drinking in support of her not drinking, too? What changes are you going to make to facilitate the changes you want her to make? Also: why didn't you attend this house party with her? Yeah agreed. Although she didn't tell me exactly what happened, she told me it was all her fault and she will not do anything to ruin our relationship. She hasn't really got drunk or gone out properly since then. So I'll keep an eye on her carefully to see if she sticks to get words. I'm not that kind of guy who goes out a lot or drink anyway. So I don't think there's much I need to change in this scenario. I've always been really nice to her and she always says she doesn't deserve me and she will try to improve herself to be a better gf. I don't know that many people at the party apart from one or two. And I don't want to be that sort of bf who tags along to wherever their gf go, that's why I let her go and this happened, which makes me regret a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Apaige Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 my gf went to a house party and got really drunk, and apparently kissed a guy on the lips(not a proper one, just a quick peck) and a few times on the neck. the next day she told me she didn't remember anything bad happened, and I saw she was asking people at the party if she did something stupid. at that point, i got mad at her because it was very irresponsible of her to blame everything on alcohol. after talking to her mates, she told me nothing really happened but she promised me she will never do that again because if something would have happened, she doesn't want to ruin our relationship. but later on, i found out there was someone i know at the party and i knew from him that she was indeed really drunk, dancing around like crazy, shouting, and she gave a few kisses to a guy on the lips and on the neck while she's dancing. my problem now is, since I found that out from someone else, I'm in two minds of whether to talk about it to my gf. because since then(that was the first and only time she was like this since we started dating) she hasn't drunk a lot or gone out properly(without me). so may be even if she didn't tell me the whole story because she thought that would make me mad, I could see she changed and improved herself. on the other hand, i want us to be totally honest in our relationship and i really want to talk it out with her. but i don't want her to change because I knew what she did, i want her to change/improve because she knew what she did was wrong and she really doesn't want that to happen again for the sake of our relationship even if I don't know what happened. Not sure how old you guys are, not that age matters, but I am in my 40's and I would not tolerate that kind of behavior now, or in my earlier years. Alcohol should not ever be used as an excuse to behave anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 You need to let her know you know what happened. It's great that she seems to have done a self check and suspended any further drinking and partying without you for the time being but I think it's a bit early to get too comfortable with it as well. As far as I see it, there are two separate but equally concerning issues; her black-out drinking and the fact that she was kissing another guy. Unless you talk things out with her and make her aware of your feelings regarding both issues, the likelihood of a repeat performance is high. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andie1988 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 You need to let her know you know what happened. It's great that she seems to have done a self check and suspended any further drinking and partying without you for the time being but I think it's a bit early to get too comfortable with it as well. As far as I see it, there are two separate but equally concerning issues; her black-out drinking and the fact that she was kissing another guy. Unless you talk things out with her and make her aware of your feelings regarding both issues, the likelihood of a repeat performance is high. Her drinking actually made her physically sick many times but when she's out with friends, she's got excited too easily and can't control. So I'll have to keep an eye on that carefully. About kissing another guy, as far as I know, she always has a thing for younger cute looking dude (how that guy looks like), and the kiss is not more than a peck on the lips and on the neck, so I'm trying to convince myself it didn't really mean anything rather than what you normally do to cute kids or puppies. I'll think about a bit more whether to talk to her or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Her drinking actually made her physically sick many times but when she's out with friends, she's got excited too easily and can't control. So I'll have to keep an eye on that carefully. About kissing another guy, as far as I know, she always has a thing for younger cute looking dude (how that guy looks like), and the kiss is not more than a peck on the lips and on the neck, so I'm trying to convince myself it didn't really mean anything rather than what you normally do to cute kids or puppies. I'll think about a bit more whether to talk to her or not. Okay, now you're making it even more difficult to sympathize with you. Can you not see all the red flags here? And why wouldn't you talk with her about it? The way you're choosing to handle this situation makes you look a bit desperate to keep her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andie1988 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 Okay, now you're making it even more difficult to sympathize with you. Can you not see all the red flags here? And why wouldn't you talk with her about it? The way you're choosing to handle this situation makes you look a bit desperate to keep her. Because I knew what happened and I'm planning to forgive her for that if it's only one time thing and she can change because everything else has been great so far. I just don't want her to think that she can get away with this even if I knew about it. So in my view, telling her would make me look like a desperate bf(which I probably am, just don't want her to think that way). Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Because I knew what happened and I'm planning to forgive her for that if it's only one time thing and she can change because everything else has been great so far. I just don't want her to think that she can get away with this even if I knew about it. So in my view, telling her would make me look like a desperate bf(which I probably am, just don't want her to think that way). I'm sorry Andie but your logic is a bit messed up. How old are the two of you? How exactly are you going to make sure she "doesn't get away with it again" if she doesn't know you already know everything? I mean, what does she have to do before you actually confront her about her inappropriate behavior? If anyone is looking desperate it's her for behaving so recklessly. I think it's perfectly appropriate for a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to express concern when their partner is off getting sh*t faced and kissing other people. Choosing to NOT rock the boat which is what you're doing seems a bit desperate because it looks like you're afraid that expressing disapproval will send her packing. She was in the wrong. No one is disputing this but pretending like it didn't happen and choosing not to discuss it isn't healthy especially for YOU. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Torii Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) Hi Andie, It seems that this concern for the behavior your girlfriend shows while intoxicated has made you question a lot of aspects in your relationship. I'm sorry that you are feeling uneasy about this situation. I'm not sure what your age is, but I'll assume you know what alcohol does to the brain during consumption. Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you behave how you normally wouldn't in a sober, socialized environment because of the affect it has on the neurotransmitters. Sometimes we behave rather impulsive (in the moment) and my honest opinion is that the kiss was just that: an impulse that was provoked by the alcohol. When this happens, our brain isn't able to process the information it is receiving correctly and this is usually when people end up in trouble. What I suggest from your situation, is communication with your girlfriend. Communication is the key to a healthy, trustworthy relationship. It's great that you know what happened but I suggest that you dig a bit further to see what she actually remembers from that night. Alcohol plays tricks on the mind a lot, so even though you may feel hurt that this situation took place, be supportive and understanding. Edited May 27, 2015 by Torii Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Save yourself a future heartbreak and dump her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Because I knew what happened and I'm planning to forgive her for that if it's only one time thing and she can change because everything else has been great so far. I just don't want her to think that she can get away with this even if I knew about it. So in my view, telling her would make me look like a desperate bf(which I probably am, just don't want her to think that way). Beware of changing your relationship dynamic from an adult/adult to parent/child because this line of thinking suggests that you're more into acting like her dad instead of a boyfriend. Not telling her that you know is lying by omission and there is no excuse for lying; especially if you're looking in her face every day knowing what you know and purposefully keeping it as a weapon in your arsenal to use at a future date. She has a "drinking til she blacks out" problem--and perhaps someone put something in her drink if she blacked out to the point of not remembering what she did. That's not dealt with by omitting pertinent information and laying in wait on her. Anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. If you're that afraid to lose her over the truth, then there are bigger problems afoot here than a peck on the neck. Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 She cheated on you mate. However you try to look at the situation that is what happened. If you stay with her you're sending out the message that you tolerate that sort of behaviour. If you do stay with her she'll do it again plus a whole lot more, trust me. I drink like a fish but I never once did so much as look at another girl on a night out when I was in a relationship so booze is no excuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 even in my 20's I could never deal with a booze-whore. Someone that could not control their drinking & put themselves in bad situations (when in a relationship) because of it. OP's GF sounds like a booze-whore. i know plenty of women who would have too much to drink on occasion & the only thing they wanted was their man's D. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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